Dr. Beardhussein Wants To Talk About Some Awesomeness.
Wake up in the P.M., let out my dog.
Bring F.R.E.D. back in, then write a blog.
Girls Kissing- I don’t think I know anybody who doesn’t enjoy the aesthetics of two girls kissing. It’s awesome. I mean, unless they’re F.U.B.s (1) , it’s a beautiful thing. Girls are all soft and delicate and pretty and junk. So, you take two of them, and get ‘em to kiss, and awesomeness ensues.
Just take a look at the picture above. Two pretty girls, in their underwear, kissing. They’re not kissing all trashy for the benefit of Frat Boys or “Girls Gone Wild” cameras. They’re not two experimenting chicks that are kissing for attention. No sir. That there is a truly passionate, loving kiss. Yeah, that’s right. I just Emo’d girls kissing.
I have several bi/lesbian/expermental friends, so I’ve been lucky enough to see chicks kiss a lot, and that never ever ever ever ever ever ever gets old. I’ve been even more fortunate in that the majority of the lesbian/bi/experimental chicks I know are hot. Awwww yeeeaahh.
Truth be told, two girls doing almost anything together is awesome. My personal favorites? Brushing each other’s hair. (yes!), and holding hands whilst walking. I was at a bar one time with The Goat (not GOAT in the rap sense, sillies) and we just happened to be posted up near the Ladies Room. Not all creepy-like, just where we ended up. Anyhoo, pair after pair of girls holding hands were walking into the bathroom, and it was awesome. I know girls just do that to keep from getting separated in the big crowds or whatever, but dangit, I love it.
Viva Los Chicas Quien Esta Smoochando!
Booty Music- I like to think of myself as a fairly competant mix-cd maker. I used to make them with Cassettes the old fashioned way. Cue up a song, pause it, ready the blank tape, press record (you had to hold “play” down at the same time, remember?) and then pause again to get both to sync up properly, and then hit pause on the Recorder deck to keep from having that “kachung” sound on your finished version. Nowadays all you gotta do is click and drag, which is easier, but not as much fun.
My specialty is party music, but on 2 occasions I’ve assembled two awesome CDs that had one purpose and one purpose only:
Soundtrack to getting down, jack. (hush, that rhymed)
One of them was quite simply named, “Booty Music”. That one was the one I was the most proud of. See, most people think that you throw on some Marvin and some Barry and call it a day. That’s cool, no hatin’ (Uncle The Hussein will never speak out against the classics), but seeing as how I’m an 80s baby who really started checking for Hip-Hop and R’n’B in the early 90s, that’s where my influence is.
The way I figure it, you gotta start out the CD two different ways, depending on the lead-up into the festivities. If this is some wild, smack the headboard, “How’d I get those scratches?” booty, then you gotta go with something high energy. I mean, if you’re doing things the right way, you’ll be too busy with frenetic tooth-bumping (ya’ll have been there, don’t you dare front) kissing to notice what the hell is playing anyway. A slow jam isn’t gonna work for that. I went with Sean Paul’s “Get Busy” (shaddup, the girl was obsessed with the song), as it pretty much set the tone.
If it’s on some ol’ Looooove Makin’, then you gotta go with something a little slower. This is when the candles get lit and you’re a little nervous and stuff (yes, Thug Killa fans of IATS, real men get nervous when they care). Being a rap fan, and a non-hater of R’n’B tinged rap records, you can go with something that has a nice guitar, or cool drums– Jay-Z’s “Excuse Me Miss” or even Cassidy and R. Kelly’s “Hotel”. It sets the tone for a grown up sensual type evening.
Once the kissing part is over and it’s time to…explore…you have some options. I personally like going with Puff Daddy’s “Senorita”, Ma$e’s “What You Want”, or BIG’s “One More Chance”. Also, if you go with the high energy stuff, 112′s “Dance With Me” is a good in-between song. Actually, 112′s “Anywhere” is another good one.
After the fo’play is done you can go with the classics, or the 90s r’n’b. “Let’s Get It On” by Marvin Gaye? NO! That’s super-duper cliche. Same thing with “I’ll Make Love to You” from Boyz II Men. In that sitcheeation, you go with “Sexual Healing” by Marvin. Boyz II Men don’t really have too many booty-worthy songs aside from like, “Uhh-Ahh” (which I’ve used), so you might wanna skip them. Jodeci, on the other hand, is perfect. “Come and talk to me”–the remix, “Forever My Lady”, or “Feenin’” work.
Then, of course, you have your One Hit Wonder 1-2 Combo. That’s right, suckas. I’m talking about “Freak Me” by Silk, and “Knockin’ Da Boots” by H-Town. Throw in some “If I Ever Fall In Love” by Shai, and “Anytime, Anyplace” by Janet Jackson, and you’re Elephant Man (2).
So there ya go. Some Booty Music suggestions from a guy whose last 2 booty-esque encounters had Z100 (NY top 40 station for those non-NY/NJ peeps) and silence as background music.
RTH’s Halloween- Okay, so those were really the only two topics I had, so I’ll tell you guys about my Halloween last nite. I fell asleep around 5pm, woke up around 7:15pm. I hit the computer for about 2 hours trying to decide on whether or not I wanted to watch a couple movies and celebrate Halloween in some way. I decided against it. My father came home. We watched South Park. DTMJ called me up and we decided we were gonna make a fast food run and just hang at mi casa.
We go to Checkers, come home, watch Scrubs, flip channels, when all of the sudden, my friend The Dizzle calls me, and she needs help getting her drunk and hot girl friends home from the bar. Me and DTMJ are on it. The Dizzle says Bring a T-Shirt. I think, “Wow, this girl probably booted all over herself”. I grab the shirt, we leave and head for The Nutty. DTMJ and I are talking about how funny and silly this whole thing is, and we also discuss the fact that one of these girls has huge bombs.
We get to the bar and walk past some hizzoused girl sitting down, practically folded in half. “Wow, that’s one drunk white girl”. We have to convince the door guy that we’re not trying to sneak in, we got a call that we have to help our friend get her drunk (and hot) friends home. Dude lets us in. We pass thru a bunch of guys in costumes (One dude was dressed like the crackhead from Chappelle’s Show, which made me think of NahRight and TyBiggs.) from Sloth to Borat (who I wanted to smack, fucking Borat). We also passed many scantily clad white girls, which I loved. It was like in Mean Girls where LiLo says that the one nite a year where girls can dress up like sluts and not get called on it is Halloween. Danged right, Lindsay.
So we find the Dizzle and she asks DTMJ to drive her car around the front, and for me to help her friend Minnie from the ladies room to the car. Minnie is the one with huge bombs, and she was dressed as a Pirate Wench Girl. Oh. Man. So of course, she’s housed and can barely stand, and I help her into the car. I oogle her amazing rack (no, she’s not Nice Rack Girl) but am pretty professional about the whole thing.
Once she’s secure, The Dizzle says we have to get her other friend from around back. That’s right, the drunk white girl folded in half was their friend Fiji (sorry, I can’t think of a clever code name, and I have an empty bottle of Fiji water on my computer desk). We help Fiji up, and she’s hot–and drunk. Two facts: 1- Fiji was dressed as Alice from “Alice in Wonderland”, in a very short, poofy blue skirt. (result!). 2- Fiji’s ringtone was “Crank Dat Soulja Boy”. I contemplated pushing her into her own vomit because of her ringtone selection, but I ultimately decided against it.
So we take them home to Minnie’s house and Minnie’s brother Uncle Jesse helps them in. I of course oogle the both of them. Fiji says, “Dude, I am so drunk.” which makes my nite. Minnie is throwing up what could only be described as pure nas-tay (yes, I would’ve still smashed). I help The Dizzle with Fiji. The girl weighed like 14 pounds, I could’ve carried her, but she was just reg’lar ol’ drunk by that point so she walked by herself with me in tow in case she stumbled. Lemme tell you: Her walk was mean. Oh man. That was awesome.
Minnie is the next one to go in, and she’s kerflappered drunk but not too bad anymore. The Dizzle drives me and DTMJ back to The Nutty to pick up DTMJ’s car. We philosophize for a bit, then get back into DTMJ’s whip and go home.
So yeah, an interesting little nite. Moral of the story? lightweight white girls should not attempt to polish off a bottle of Skyy Vodka in the 10 minute car ride to the bar. We go thru too much bullshit just to mess with these Drunk and Hot Girls.
I’m hoping they’ll come to our Halloween Party saturday (if any Regs are in the LI area, shout me a holla! It’ll most likely be a PG-13 affair, but whateverrr), but most likely they’ll forget all about the short, fat, puerto-cuban that kept them from busting their asses without copping a feel.
Call Reynolds, Cuz It’s a Wrap.
Well, that’s it for today. I hope you enjoyed my 1,700+ word opus.
Thanks for checking in.
(1) F.U.B.s = Fat Ugly Bitches (mind you, I don’t call girls “bitches” unless they’re actually acting bitchy, so a fat ugly chick being attitudey will definitely end up an F.U.B.
(2) Elephant Man = Good To Go. (Chris Turk came up with that one)