Some of Dr. Beardhussein’s Favorite Things, Vol. 2

(Vol. 1 can be found here and you can’t forget about THE LIST.)

It’s Go Time!

“There’s little hearts on her panties!”

I’m sure the world is made up of two kinds of people: Those who like chicks just butt ass naked, and those who prefer chicks in their underwear. As evidenced by the quote above (by the by, all the segments of this blog will be ushered in with quotes from American Pie 2), you can tell that I belong in the latter group.

I mean, I like naked chicks. I just like saying “naked chicks”. Just then? Typing that? I enjoyed it. I enjoyed the heck out of it. Seeing naked chicks in movies or magazines, recalling naked chicks I’ve seen in real life…. Gosh, it’s just nice. That being said, isn’t a chick in her underwear just a tiiiiiny bit more aesthetically pleasing?

I mean, 0kay, I know I look terrible naked. I mean, it is not a pretty sight. If it were up to me, I’d shower with shorts and a t-shirt on. But still, chicks, IMO, look better in something lacy. Or cottony. Or satiny. It’s just so nice. Everything is shaped and sculpted and supported properly, without the rages of time and gravity gumming up the works.

(and whether or not you think this topic is appropriate–you have an opinion on this. i know you do. you know you do. you know that i know that you know you do.)

Anyway, viva las chicas en naughty underwear. Definitely one of my favorite things. Mmmm.

“This is my first time, since my first time.”

Is there anything more exciting and panic-inducing than the first time you’re about to do the squelchy with a new person? Now, not just any ol’ person, not just any ol’ hook-up with someone who you’ll never see after the awkward next morning when you both fold up Danny’s parents’ sofa-bed and she remembers that, oh yeah, she’s got a boyfriend, but figured she’d make sure your record release party was awesome and bittersweet…

…but I digress.

No, I think it’s really awesome when you’re with someone you care about–either a friend you’ve had for a while that you can hook up with without fear of ruining a friendship, or a girl you’ve liked for a long time and you finally got her to go out with you and now things are progressing to The Next Step. (wow, four lines for one sentence!) I mean, there all kinds of nerves and your mind is running thru scenarios, some kind of pre-booty cross between The Terminator’s scanning and the Micro-Machine Man’s talkin’.

“OkayIShouldStartKissingHerAndThenMoveToHerNeckWhatIfSheDoesn’tLike
HerNeckBeingKissedWellWhatIfSheDoesOkayJustKissHerNeckALittleAmI
BreathingTooMuchIsThatTooMuchTongueShouldIMoveToHerNeckHeyI
WonderWhatTheScoreOfTheKnicksGameIsDudeWhyAreYouThinkingAbout
BasketballNOWYou’veGotAHotChickWithYouWaitWaitWaitGetBackToKissing
JustEnjoyTheMomentStupidRightButWe’veBeenKissingForAWhileIReally
ThinkIShouldSwitchToHerNeckOkaySwitchToHerNeckJustDon’tGetSlobbery
AndAboveAllElseDONOTLEAVEAHICKEYOkayTheNeckThingIsDoneNowWe
MoveOntoBoobsTownWhatIfSheDoesn’tWantMeToGoToHerBoobsWellWe’re
AlreadyOntoHerNeckWeCan’tGoBackToKissingOkayWellWhatHappensNow
Uh-OhIHaveToSneezeIsTheDogInTheRoomIThinkTheCandleJustBlewOut…”

…and so on and so forth, scanning thru options at a million terabytes a second. It’s petrifying and amazing all at once, and maaann I wouldn’t trade it for a second.

Jim: “What are you doing?”
Stifler: “Looking for more lesbian artifacts.”

(or, a little bit of THIS!)

I will never. Ever. Ever. Outgrow. Seeing. 2. Hot. Girls. Kiss.

I don’t care if I’m 95 years old and half-senile. I’m gonna flip on my copy of American Pie 2 or, I don’t even know, Girls Gone Wild: Chicks of Jupiter Edition and I’m gonna smile my dirty old man smile at watching two hot 20 year old girls kiss.

Lesbians are awesome, and they’ve totally got the right idea. It’s just aesthetically pleasing. Thing is, as I’ve got several friends who are gay or lesbian, I’ve noticed that it’s rare when you see 2 hot lesbians going together. It’s usually one really pretty girly one and one that–and I’m trying to finesse this–is less concerned with the sparkly girly stuff.

You know what tho’? It doesn’t really matter to me, in terms of aesthetics, as long as neither chick is overly dudish. Look, if being a dudish chick is your thing and it makes you happy? Continue. By all means. But let’s keep it real. Odds are good you’d rather see 2 hot chicks make out rather than see me make out with an average looking or big girl.

(I might still get in trouble for that, but I’m okay with it)

Call Reynolds, Cuz it’s a Wrap.

[Stifler's brother shows off two girls he picked up]
Stifler: Brilliant. You found Lesbians.
[scoffs]
Stifler: Good luck trying to break through that force field.
Danielle: Lesbians?
Amber: We never said that.
Stifler: What?
Amber: We never said that.
Stifler: Oh… Oh, man. I will do anything… ANYTHING to sleep with you, chicks, okay? I’ll grab every guy’s ass in this room. I’ll caress it even. I’ll even shave some ass if they need it!
[sounds of revulsion from young men at party]
Stifler: Oh, yeah! You heard me! I will kiss everybody here! Dudes, chicks, everybody! Because I am comfortable with my sexuality!

So yeah, fuck a disclaimer, and grow the eff up!

***

As always, comments, critiques, criticisms, as well as other AP2 quotes and favorite things I missed can be left below in the Dr. Donda West-Christopher Wallace Memorial Comments Section.

Thanks for tuning in,

–RTH

PS–Don’t forget to add to the Above-Linked-THE LIST! We’re 8 comments away from 100!

Dr. Beardhussein is back…and apparently he missed a lot.

*ahem*

It’s Go Time.

“Heard any good jokes lately?”

So… Lemme get this straight. Chris Brown beats the righteous kung fu fuck outta Rihanna, and people rush to defend him. KanYe West interrupts Taylor Swift’s awards speech…and he’s vilified.

Chris Brown beats Rihanna, chokes her, threatens to kill her, and people turn their heads on some ol’ Kitty Genovese ish. KanYe West gives us a quote (“Imma let you finish…”) that was driven into the ground in record time, surpassing even “I’m Rick James, bitch!” in the pantheon of Phrases Beaten So Far Into The Ground That The Chinese Are Wondering What These Strange New Trees Are (look, I’m rusty), and is flogged and admonished by such luminaries as *ahem* P!nk, Katy Perry and Kelly Clarkson.

Hey, P!nk and Kelly Clarkson, let’s see the tweets calling Chris Brown an asshole, a douchebag, or the biggest piece of shit on the planet. Oh, that’s right. Ya’ll were quiet as FUCK during that whole thing. So, as the Grand Imperial Lead Blogger of It Ain’t That Serious, I formally invite you to blow me, and as an added bonus, have coated my donger in PERSPECTIVE.

Assholes.

Summer Movie Snoozin’

As we all know, I’m a huuuge movie buff. I like good movies. I like bad movies. I love epic movies, even if I hated Epic Movie. I like being in the theater. I like popcorn. I like soda. I like that the seats at the Regal Deer Park lean back (Lean Back, Lean Back…). I like that the outside of the theater looks amazing, old timey, and just plain beautiful at nite.

However.

*in Stephen A. Smith voice*

HOWEVA!

However, Summer Movie Season 2009 was lackluster. I mean, there were a lot of huge blockbuster movies, but none of them felt like events. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely loved Star Trek, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, and Terminator Salvation… but that was about it. Even then, I had to think for about a good 30 seconds before I came up with “Terminator”.

You contrast that with SMS2k7 and right off the bat I can name Transformers, Live Free or Die Hard, SuperBad, Knocked Up, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, The Simpsons, SpiderMan, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Shrek the Third… I named those in about 10 seconds.

You get my point, right? This summer was kinda lacking for me, cinematically. Maybe I’m jaded. Maybe I’m spoiled. Maybe I’m just getting old and cranky and cynical. Maybe I finally understand why the folks over at Nah Right are so critical and disposey of music.

Or, maybe I just need to inspired or uber-entertained by movies to get by, and the same amount of entertainment and inspiration isn’t enough to overcome some of the crazy I live with, some of the crazy I’m sure you guys live with, too.

Here’s to hoping SMS2k10 will be better.

Beans, Beans The Musical Fruit…

1- I’m not calling Beanie Sigel fruity. I have zero (0) misconceptions about his pop-a-cap-in-my-assability (I don’t do disclaimers on here–I’m not gay, and therefore I can say whatever suspect things I want, penis donger buttfuck), and want no such cap-poppage.

2- Beans, you’re coming across as whiny in the whole Jay-Z sitcheeation. Duder, you were never his boy. Just cuz you’re apparently more Champ Kind than you ever lot on doesn’t mean that when Jay’s done touring to support The Blueprint 3 you’re gonna move into an apartment together. We get it. You miss his musk.

3- Beanie was an artist signed to a label. This isn’t an Eminem & D-12 thing. This isn’t a Nelly & the St. Lunatics thing. You were an employ-the fuck-ee. Don’t blame Jay-Z for your shortcomings when you were given AMAZING opportunities. Your ceiling was…preeetttyy much what your career turned out to be, whether or not you were a druggie convict.

4- I’ll say it again: All these people that had complaints about Jay-Z shoulda fuckin’ said something BEFORE he was on the level he’s at now. Say something back then, like Jaz-O did. Don’t wait until he’s worth half a billion dollars and still just as popular/relevant as he ever was.

Ugh.

Me, Myself, and Planet Fitness.

Soooo for the last month plus I’ve been going to the gym. As all of you know, I’m pretty fat, and this kinda thing has been long overdue. I’m doing the gym thing for a few reasons, absolutely none of which have to do with being called a Fat Fuck, Fat Shit, Fat Bastard, or basically any other name that starts out with “Fat” and ends in a cuss word.

That being said, here are the reasons:

1- “You’re not gonna get any NEW chicks.” (c) The Big Homey Jay quoting our college Softball/Basketball gym teacher guy. Sad but true. This year, statistically, has been fucking abysmal, girl-wise. I even got the “not my type” bomb dropped on me by a girl who knows dang effing well that I am, in fact, her type, personality-wise. I’m just not a *say it with me* Tall White Guy With Nice Abs and Bad Hair. Fair enough. It’s her loss, but the point isn’t lost on me. I need to lose weight–quite a bit–if I’m gonna have a shot at meeting someone worth a dang, and having something fun and amazing develop from it.

2- “I love you and want you to be around for a long time.” (c) My awesome friend Kate. Yep, that’s the other bit of it. My grandparents, all 4 of them, are still alive and all 80+. EIGHTY. PLUS. That means that, barring illness or accident, I have the potential to have another 55 years or so left on planet Earth. I don’t wanna be the one who fucks up the lineage and squanders the genetics because I couldn’t overcome a crippling addiction to chicken wings, ya’ll.

3- “Sick & Tired of being Sick & Tired.” (c) Anonymous. This past summer I was sick every other week. I had a cold. Then I couldn’t stop going to the bathroom. Then I had an ear infection. It reeeeaaallly started to suck. Then a friend pointed out that I eat horribly, and am probably malnutritioned. Mind you, I thought the same thing you’re thinking. “Malnutrition? Isn’t that like those kids in Somalia or Ethiopia?”. Nope, it can happen when you eat a diet consisting of Buffalo Wild Wings & Taco Bell. No vitamins, no nutrients, no good stuff. Celery doesn’t really count. Lettuce & Tomatoes don’t really count if they’re hangin’ with ground beef, cheese, & sour cream. Hence, the sick.

3A- Um, also? Yeah, eating crappy is gonna make you feel, well, crappy. Low energy, lower moods. Eating right is gonna make you feel, well, right. More energy, better moods, and the good feeling that comes with knowing you’re doing the right things.

4- “Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don’t shoot their husbands, they just don’t.” (c) Elle Woods. Again, no husband, as I’m into chicks, but the lesson applies. The people that have been down from day 1 know that I’m “emo”, but the more accurate way of saying it is that I probably have an undiagnosed amount of legit Depression. I know, I know.. “Isn’t that a white people thing?”. No, it’s a human being thing. It’s not bad to where I’m suicidal or I can’t get outta bed and I let my relationships and stuff go to shit, but it also goes a bit past “Just in a funk” or “Low blood sugar” or “Had a bad day” or “Nate Robinson is still with the Knicks” or “Gucci Mane is a recording artist”. It’s real, it sucks, and it can be kinda scary. Therefore, I’m doing my part. Go to the gym, work out some of the old haunts and old ghosts, and handle mah bidniss. I might always lean towards being sad when I’m not actively being happy (take your time with it), but if I can get those endorphins going and build up some momentum, anything is possible.

5- “Eff You Season”. (c) Bill Simmons. Growing up as the fat kid, and then having the fat kid thing not matter, just to have it show up again at the same time a buncha shit is going on elsewhere…kinda sucks. I’ve got my affairs in order in terms of friends and work and even finances, but being single still sucks, and knowing I’m getting shot down on account of my weight (and probably other factors, but let’s keep it crunchy: the fat ain’t helpin’) sucks like a Jim Jones double album. So I’m going to the gym to get into better shape, to give my personality, my charm, my charisma, my sweet guyness, my sense of humor–the important things–a fighting chance. Also? The little chip on my shoulder has a voice, and instead of it telling me I’m not good enough or to do bad shit (see #4), it’s telling me to improve myself. Drop the weight. Improve my life. Be the best human being I can possibly be. Oh yeah, and make sure people regret not buying into me or supporting me at my lowest, so when I ascend I can tell them that they should’ve given me a shot all along, not just because I upped my aesthetics game.

So yeah, that’s the gym thing, and the dominant storyline in ReyLand, aside from how much fun WWE has been the last few weeks.

Call Reynolds, Cuz It’s A Wrap.

Alright kids, that’s it for now. It feels good to be back on IATS. The time off was nice, but I’m back now, hopefully for a while.

As always, comments, questions, critiques, and overlooked Summer Movie Season 2009 flicks can be left below in the Dr. Donda West-Christopher Wallace Memorial Comments Section.

Thanks for tuning in,

–RTH

Is this thing on? Gooood.

New IATS coming soon.

–RTH

Yep, another one. Gonna work on an album, work out some personal shit.

As always, I’ll be back after a few weeks with some new material, and if I’m inspired I won’t hesitate to come back and hit off my 4 loyal readers with new stuff.

Thanks, and I hope the rest of your summer is awesome.

–RTH

Dr. Beardhussein’s Diagnosis of Web’s Latest Project

Get Web’s “Inferno” Here.

It’s Go Time.

Rap is fun. Hip-Hop is a culture. Music is expression. Art is subjective. The industry is fucked up.

You fall in love with rap the same way you fall in love with anything else. At some point admiration becomes affection, and when affection turns to expectation and you AREN’T disappointed, well, that’s pretty much how you fall in love.

I remember freestyling on the train with my two brothers back in December 1995. We were on our way to Manhasset to hang out with my big brother’s then-GF’s family. We were terrible rappers, just being goofy. In fact, the only line I can remember is “I’m on the mic/I’m just chillin’/Tryin’ to get home to eat some chitlins.” (fun fact: chitlins are terrible. just terrible. still, any caucasian trying to play the “i grew up in a mostly-minority town, I’m tough!” WITHOUT a chitlin experience on their resume needs to hush up and go back what’s on the CW).

Point being, I’ve loved and appreciated rap for a long time. At a few points in time, what I heard on the radio was what I needed to hear at those particular points in my life. Summer ‘97, it was Puffy and Wu Tang. Late 2001 it was Nas & Jay-Z. 2004 it was Mr. Kanye West. (um, still is, actually…). Sad part is, in my own life I still have lots of turmoil–a horrible feeling of being held back, destined to never, ever get anything I truly want. Career, friend-wise, romantic stuff… It seems like whatever I want so bad that it hurts is exactly what I won’t get.

***

There’s beauty in the breakdown.

I’ve known Web for a good year, year and a half. He sought me out on MySpace as a fan of this blog and my work on the now defunct Alumnah.com.

I’ve let him write stuff up on this site, I’ve reviewed his work, and we’ve had many conversations on Facebook, thru E-Mail and on Twitter. He’s on the top of the list of internet friends I’d like to meet in person.

What I like the most about him is his passion. He feels for hip-hop the way I felt about it back in 2004. I was writing and recording my first album, and I was overcome with an intense, angry passion. Not only did I need to get all of these ideas out of my head, but I felt like the entire fucking world needed to hear them. The wheels fell off socially and musically at the time and I felt like I had the answer.

That’s what Web was feeling with Inferno.

It was that same intense, burning passion. The artistic equivalent of having your arms pinned to your side by a person much stronger than you. He’s listening to the radio and hearing what amounts to the same song being performed by 22 different “artists”. He sees the culture of hip-hop being bastardized and homogenized.

He sees something that used to pride itself on being unique at all times becoming like this: One guy does something original, then everyone else runsrunsruns to the exact…same…thing. Hip-Hop has always been about taking something normal, something pedestrian, and putting your own spin on it. You take a baseball cap and wear it backwards. You wear baggy pants instead of regular fitting pants. You take the laces out of your shoes. You put your own twist on something we’ve all seen a million times.

Your individuality shows, it shines through. People might imitate, but in the beginning, that’s okay. You show people that you don’t have to do what everyone else does. You show people that you can find your own way, make your own path.

In other words, exactly what’s missing from rap/hip-hop today.

***

I loved the first half of Inferno.

It was sonically different. It had some substance to it. More than anything, you could feel Web’s heart breaking on every track. This guy wasn’t rapping to rap, or rapping to cash in, or rapping to get girls. He was rapping to vent the poison that has built up in his own life.

It’s a zone that artists get into, a zone simultaneously full of bravado, confidence, passion and crushing insecurity. It’s the zone where you pound your chest and you scream at the world that you’re the shit, only with an unspoken “…right? Please?” at the end.

What I loved about the first half of Inferno was that it was desperate music. It had a sense of urgency, almost as if Web was pleading with the world, the music industry, and his own self to just please please come together just once and let him exorcise the hurt and embrace the hope that he was trying to convey in 48 bars of lyrics.

***

I keep saying “…the first half of Inferno“, and here’s why.

Indeed, there is beauty in the breakdown. There is something liberating and necessary and pure and, yes, beautiful in allowing yourself to be stripped down to your most innocent essence. There is beauty in the primal scream, the “driving 90 down the road singing along to a great song”, the humbling breakdown into a symphony of tears, and a pounding headache, and feeling like your chest is going explode and implode under the weight of your own breakdown and breakthrough.

That was the first half of Inferno.

I wish Web would’ve taken me all the way there. I wish he would’ve let the project go darker, go more truthful, stay along the so-called “Emo” route and tell us exactly how he feels. Instead, he switched things up and he expanded his vision.

Were those second-half tracks bad? Not at all. They’re just not where I thought we were going.

I’m usually of the mind that artists have the answers that regular people don’t. We can put things into words that the average person can’t. That’s why movies and music and paintings and books can make us cry. Great art, Truthful art always taps into our secret hearts, the place where we all keep the last few glowing embers of the person we were when we were first born.

It is in that place, that secret heart, that Inferno resonated with me. I know I’m just one guy and I have no idea how many people will read this, or even give Web’s album the chance to see if it can’t truly affect them.

In the end, I hope they let it.

‘Til then, an inspired effort by my friend Web. One day he will fulfill his destiny and create music that people need to hear for the times when they don’t want to throw money around or blame it on the alcohol or party. He has the talent to do it, and the desire–the burning passion.

Here’s to hoping that the next project–a follow up to a solid outing this time–will be an Inferno that Web will allow himself to be burned up in instead of deciding that it was too hot.

There’s beauty in the breakdown…

…and in the burn.

–RTH

***

And now, here are my complete uncut notes on Inferno from my 2 listens thru the album.

the dream– great album opener.. awesome beat.. spitting hard.. last 8 bars were straight up ADM…good voice.. nice ethereal feel–like “Graduation” without sounding like it was trying to be “graduation” feely

in the beginning– story telling track.. dope trippy kinda beat.. “origin story”.. confident old school flow with new school feel.. slick rick-esque on the hook with a nice tip of the cap to jay’s takeover “noooo”.. riding the beat well.. got me hyped at 2:26 mark.. breaks down the van-city rap scene

drowning– voices overlap, easily to get lost ala “drowning”.. another trippy beat reminiscent of timbaland in my love/ayo technology, but with softer drums that let the synths ride, double-time flow.. no chorus.. nice breakdown at 3:24 “what if i’m meant to spend my whole life in the middle? or even worse: on the bottom?” I think it’d work better in reverse–for emo purposes–but still a sentiment everyone can relate to.

depression– already like it just off the name. song hasn’t started yet. oooh.. nice blueprint-era feel.. oh! no! deception! this is some good east coast rap right here. i fuckin’ love this guy’s passion and I don’t care how that sounds. i love this song. I need this song in my life. i might cry. budden-esque. this song might save someone’s life. cathartic.

“the natural”–passion. passion. passion. nice beat–808’s have a healthy bounce to them. this guy is pouring his fucking heart out. this album should be called “I have no Plan B-it’s gotta be hip-hop for me or else I’ll be miserable for the rest of my life.” I wish people had the courage to love something as much as this boy loves hip-hop. this reminds me of me in 2004–cry for help music, screaming at the sky music. this is headphone music, late nite drive music.

climbing up the downward spiral (interlude)– trippy beat. not sure how I feel about this, but he’s earned the pass. This is an ALBUM, a cohesive group of thoughts. I repeat: this album is gonna save someone’s life one day. Could be Web’s, could be someone else’s. I hope both. “Either this world is gonna feel me, or I’m gonna have to MAKE THEM feel me.” Amen. Awesome bluesy breakdown. Redeems the interruption in the flow of the album. I guess this is where side one would end on an album. Nice little break. Kudos.

A view of the world-- interesting beat. not sure if it works yet. web’s sounding like a pac-eminem hybrid, once again without trying to sound like it. Yeesh.. this boy is rappin’ his ass off. This is why they invented the “spit guard” on the mic. Not to crack a joke, but when you’re really going in, your delivery trumps your desire to not spit. Shut up, that makes sense to anyone who’s ever been in a booth. “heart still beatin’ i guess I’m still breathing, surprised after all these years I’m still breathing”–indeed. “Muhammed’s white Jesus with a suntan”–made me laugh, but it’s true. One King.

pray feat. ben arce– wow, farrakhan? okay. interesting–i thought this was gonna be a club/girl song, but it’s about religion. interesting. i never took Web as conscious, but he’s turning it up on the second half. Fix yourself first, then fix the world. Amen. Arce’s got a nice voice–mix might be off. Doesn’t need the strong double. Nice harmony. Also, Web’s got a great voice. Trying to decide who he sounds like. Like Kurupt crossed with Nas? Not sure if that makes sense, but that’s what I’m getting. going in on the Native American experience. I liked this one, but I’m hoping for a return to the Emo stuff. The emo ones usually have answers, and who couldn’t use some answers nowadays?

Warrior Drum-- i’m sorry, i just don’t like this one. i’m sure there’s a story behind this, but it’s almost disappointing to here a threatening “don’t push me” track from a guy with so much talent.

Never go back–Big Finish! oooh.. awesome beat. the drums are insane. epic kinda sound. the emo is back. not trying to feed off a guy’s sorrow, but there’s genuineness in pain. this is a great album closer. rhymed “princess” with “chin-check”. Me likey. “you’re just staying in touch/they’re betraying your trust/stab you in the back and expect you to thank them” Ouch. passes the “sad when it’s over” test.

Dr. Beardhussein Dares To Blaspheme

It’s Go Time.

So, I don’t know how, and I don’t know why, but all of the sudden (typo intended) I got thinking about The Wonder Years, and Kevin and Winnie, and the infamous “Becky Slater” storyline. I’ll sum up:

After their pilot-episode kiss, Kevin and Winnie played the “Will They, Won’t They” game. Fuck Ross and Rachel’s stupid asses from Friends. Forget about Kelly Kapowski and Zack Morris from Saved By The Bell. Forget about J.D. & Elliott from Scrubs. Kevin and Winnie were, for my generation, the original WTWT couple.

In the first or second season, Winnie was slumming it with Kirk McCray, the late 60’s or early 70’s version of my hated Tall White Guys With Bad Hair And Nice Abs. Kevin essentially got relegated to 2nd place while Winnie carried on with this pretty boy douchebag. It drove him insane.

How insane? Becky Slater insane.

Kevin, Paul, and Winnie’n'Kirk *growls* were at the ice skating rink, and Winnie was being all “I’m so happy, blah blah blah, he’s tall with not-poofy hair, blah blah blah”, and Kevin snapped. (and not because motherfucking Kirk McCray kept calling him “Kevbo”).

Kevin, skating like a mad man, went right up to Becky Slater, and said a line that, over the years, would be repeated by Mario (my little brother) and I roughly twenty four billion times:

“Becky Slater?”

“Yeah…?”

“Wanna go steady?”

“Sure!”

“Let’s skate.”

And thus, Kevin Arnold and Becky Slater were together.

***

If you know your The Wonder Years lore, you know that Kevin’s nice guy side took over and he eventually realized he didn’t like Becky. He realized that she didn’t deserve to be made a pawn in his emotional entanglement with Winnie F’n Cooper. So, ol’ Kevin decided he was gonna do the honorable thing and broke up with her. Kevin did, however, make one mistake.

He said something about them being friends, which lead to another bit Mario and I rehashed about thirty-two billion times over the next few years:

“Friends!? I’ll give you ‘Friends’!!”

(Becky then punches Kevin out cold)

***

If you know your Rey lore, you know that, in late 2003, I wrote a song called “Searching For Winnie Cooper”. If you know me better, you know that in 2004, I recorded that song. Lousy execution, brilliant idea. The lyrics were awesome, but the session was rushed and, fun fact, I can’t sing.

Anyway, a few months ago a thought came to me and it kinda hit me rather hard: Kevin never did end up with Winnie. In the last episode, it was revealed that he ended up staying friends with Winnie and ended up as the BEST MAN AT HER FRIGGIN’ WEDDING!

Excuse me, I have to light myself on fire.

So yeah. Kevin never ended up with Winnie, so why the F am I keeping that relationship dynamic in such rosy light? They had some nice moments, but she drove poor Kevin crazy! She had daddy issues, sure, but she kept finding new and inventive ways to shit on the guy. Before Kelly Kapowski cheated on Zack with Jeff, evil manager at The Max, Winnie was hooking up with some dude at a summer camp that Kevin went thru ridiculous ordeals to end up at JUST TO SPEND MORE TIME WITH HER.

Excuse me, I have to reapply gasoline.

***

So now we come to the crux, and that crux is this: Would Kevin Arnold have been better off sticking with Becky Slater?

I am legitmately torn. Becky Slater was cuter–rounder nose, but Winnie always had a chipmunk teeth kinda thing. Sure, she’s hot stuff now (her HIMYM cameos were legen…wait for it…dary!), but back then she would’ve made just as much sense playing Kevin’s twin sister–that’s kinda weird in retrospect.

You know what? Let’s break this down down pull your pants:

Becky Slater’s Pros: Blonde, Cute, Devoted, Affectionate, Kind of Gangster.

Winnie Cooper’s Pros: Girl Next Door Brunette, Also cute, Sweet, Sense of humor, Nice to nerdy best friends.

Becky Slater’s Cons: Kiiinda possessive, Punches dudes out upon rejection, showed signs of “Two Weeks going on Two Years” syndrome.

Winnie Cooper’s Cons: Unfaithful, Always looking for new, shinier situations. The bad kind of daddy issues. Emotionally distant.

Alright, so, the question goes: Would you rather have the distant girl who you’ll always have to chase ($80 billion dollars says Winnie was a friggin’ Aries), or would you rather have the devoted girl who will probably grow to be jealous and insecure 24/7? ($79,999,999,999 says Becky was a friggin’ Scorpio).

For me, knowing how I work, I’d do exactly what Kevin did. Dump the clingy one who might be that way with EVERY GUY SHE EVER DATES (word to Craig Hobson), for the crazy distant one who will only call me when she’s upset or her current BF is messing up. Of course, I’m insane. Let’s just move on.

Uncle The Hussein’s Verdict: Given Kevin’s oppressive home environment, and emotional neediness, I think he should’ve stayed with Becky Slater. Kevin showed signs of incredible fortitude (no doubt in my mind he was a Leo), and I think he could’ve handled Becky Slater’s crazy. I don’t know what Paul Pfeiffer would’ve thought, but he had Carla Healy, and I think Carla and Becky were friends, so they could’ve double dated and whatnot.

Kevin, amigo, you made the wrong move.

Ah well.

***

Call Reynolds, Cuz it’s a Wrap.

Alright kids, that’s it for today. I hope you enjoyed my analysis. In case you’re wondering, yes, I wrote this at work. I love my new job.

Anyway, as always, comments, questions, critiques, and reasons why Winnie was >>> Becky, can be left below in the Dr. Donda West-Christopher Wallace Memorial Comments Section.

Thanks for tuning in.

–RTH

Dr. Beardhussein Lists the Symptoms of True Partners in Crime

It’s Go Time.

So as my Total Time Single pushes on to it’s 6th straight year, I’ve noticed I get more and more bizarre. Not that posts like  “That’s How You Know” or “The Annoying Couple Scale” weren’t hints, but every now and then the TTS leads to some more amusing thoughts:

1- My idea that girls that let me get to third base (the base system will never get old. ever.) or better should qualify for a special tax credit. Wait, there’s more. I was bouncing that idea off my BFAM Bob Smith and we decided that this program could be extended, with various levels. Now me, I’m just a fat guy. I’ve got a great personality and I’m mostly cute, so really you just have to deal with the excess me. The way I figure it, given my high level of in-the-be’room skill, and my status as a genuinely nice guy, the Booty To Lonely Guys Tax Credit would be around $500. Not enough money so that it’d be a  no-brainer to sleep with me, but enough to make up for any potential psychological issues a girl might get from compromising her standards.

The thing is tho’, what about dudes that are way fugly? Or potentially malodorous? Or woefully bad lovers? See, the BTLG Tax Credit would have to go up. If you have a girl that’s gonna be killed on her income taxes owed, you can’t toss her a measly $500 for hooking up with a beastly, unskilled smelly dude. You gotta up that to at least a grand. A $1,000 tax credit goes a long way to washing off the mental stank of sleeping with a troll.

Finally, you max out at $1,500. This tier would include fugly smelly dudes with horrible personalities and maybe some physical deformity. Now, I know this sounds bad, but look at it from this level of dude’s perspective. He’s lonely. He’s smelly. He’s probably given up all hope. Then, all of the sudden, (yes, I typo’d that on purpose) this chick comes along and says, “Okay Fugs McKenzie, it’s your lucky day. Unzip, Strip, and let’s get flip.” This guy’s whole day, his whole year has been made. Even if he never hooks up again, he’s got some Happy Baking Thoughts to last a lifetime. Really, this girl is doing this guy a favor, AND she’s getting $1,500 in tax credits for the deal. It’s a win-win-win all around.

2- The “Do You Know Anybody?” Bit. Or, as it’s more commonly known, “How Danny Got Herpes”. So, before he met his girlfriend Stephanie, me and my buddy Danny would, at least once a week, go to the Taco Bell by us and ponder why we were single. As such, I’d encourage him to talk to the girls we know and network a bit. You know, see if any of them had any single friends. Here’s how the most epic of those conversations played out:

Rey- “Dude, just ask if anyone we know has any hot single friends.”

Danny- “Um, Sweet, I dunno if that’ll work.”

Rey- “Dude, Seriously? Of course it will. You’re cute. If I asked such’n’such, they’d be like, ‘Oh, ya know? All of the girls I know are either old or married. Sorry!’. You know that’s bullshit!”

Danny- “Um, Sweet, Right.”

Rey- “Right, total bullshit. But if you asked, I guarantee they’d say, ‘You know what? My friend blah-blah just got out of a relationship. I think you’d like her!’. It’s like that old joke about the guy walking into a hotel and asking if they had a room available, and they say no. Then he asks if the Pope walked in, would they have a room, and the hotel clerk says yes. Then the guy goes Well, the pope isn’t coming, so give me the room you were gonna give him.”

Danny- “Um, Sweet, Right.”

Rey- “Dude, it’d totally happen that way. It’s like if we went up to a girl and said: ‘Okay, you’ve got your choice of Rey or Danny’. They’d pick you every time. And then we’d have to say, ‘Okay, what about Rey, or Danny–only Danny’s got the Herp.’ They’d go, ‘Is the herp flaring?’ and I’d be dumbfounded and say, ‘No, it’s not flaring.’ Then they’d say, ‘Oh, then Danny with the herp, totally.’

Herego, how Danny got herpes. True Story: His name in my phone has been listed as “Danny Herp” since 2006.

3- The least-inspired sexually deviant thought I’ve ever had. I was on the Facebook, and a I saw a cute picture of a friend that I used to work with, and I said  “Ahh such’n’such. I would put stuff where stuff goes.”

***

Anyway, in that vein of “I’ve been single so long that I think I might be going juuuust a bit crazy”, I was pondering which celebrity tandems would make the best WingMen. There are a couple of guidelines that each team were judged on.

A- If I was hanging out with them, would girls even pay attention to the fat non-famous one?

B- Would the duo make me look good to girls that were paying attention to the fat non-famous one?

C- Would either of the team-members (pause) cockblock me in tribute to their own ego?

D- What kind of chicks would I get if the answers to A & B were “Yes” and C was “No”?

So you gotta keep those in mind when judging them. I was gonna do this Tournament Style, but that would take wayyy too much work. So, I’m gonna break them down into 4 groups: Honorable Mention, Stay Far Away From These Guys, Good-But-Flawed, The Runners-Up, and The Most Epic WingMen Team Possible.

Let’s roll.

Honorable Mention (ie It’d be amusing to spend a nite out at a bar/club with these guys but the booty count would be nil):

~ President Barack Obama and Vice President Joe Biden. It’d be neat, but Obama would get all the attention, and you’d be stuck listening to Joe Biden yap all nite.

~ Bill S. Preston, Esq and Ted “Theodore” Logan. If you noticed, they had to go all the way to medieval England to land chicks. Plus, you’d leave the bar and be using Bill & Ted slang for the next week. It’d be worse than when I watch too much “Scrubs” and end up talking like Dr. Cox for the next few days. That gets re-heee-eeally tiresome.

~ Mike Myers & Dana Carvey. Um, yeah. Chicks don’t like guys who, 10 minutes into the evening, pummel Austin Powers while screaming “WHY ARE YOU SO TERRIBLE!? WHY ARE YOU SO F**KING TERRIBLE?!”

~ Roger Rabbit & Eddie Valient. You couldn’t take Eddie to a bar because he’s a recovering alcoholic with a pushy girlfriend. Roger might be f’n hilarious, but he’d probably get kicked out for hopping behind the bar and trying to serve drinks. Out of the four teams in the “Honorable Mention” section, this might be the one I’d go with. You can’t top Roger f’n Rabbit.

Stay Far Away From These Guys (ie These fuckers would totally cockblock you, or make you look goofy, or be disinterested in helping your Uncle The Hussein land a quality chick).

~ Matt Damon & Ben Affleck. Ben’s married to Jennifer Garner. There’s no way he’s gonna be into helping me out. Shit, I wouldn’t be either. I’d be staring at my watch going, “Fuck, how long do I have to be out here before I can go back home to Jennifer Garner?”. Matt Damon might be game for a little bit, but you know some douchebag would start some shit with him, Call him “Will Hunting” or something and then he’d get pissed and leave.

~ Brad Pitt & George Clooney. Um, yeah. I’d be killed in the stampede. There’s too much good looking happening there, and you know an entire slew of chicas would do anything to say they were able to distract a guy who’s married to Angelina Jolie.

~ Leonardo DiCaprio & Tobey Maguire. Ya know, I like Tobey as “SpiderMan/Peter Parker”, and while I won’t ever admit to liking him, I hate Leo infinitely less since I saw “The Departed”–but I can see those guys being total dicks. Something about that lineup says they’d leave me at the bar halfway thru the nite, but not before cockblocking me at every turn. No dice.

~ Kanye West & Lil’ Wayne. Look, we all know my mancrush on Kanye has reached “Uncomfortable” status, but I can’t see him putting much effort into helping me get chicks. Lil’ Wayne is on record as saying he wants to “F*ck every woman in the world”, so you know the Cockblock-O-Meter is gonna be RED from the second he walks into the bar. Plus, Wayne probably looks even creepier in real life. He’d scare off the kinda white women I’d dig. Back to ‘Ye for a second. While I think he’d be awesome to meet on the street, I think he’d be another one to leave the bar after an hour. Someone would mess up a drink order or step on his $400 Louis Vuitton sneakers and he’d be like “Fuck this. We’re leaving!”. On the bright side, I do think he’d leave me with some spending money for the rest of the nite.

~ Zach Braff & Donald Faison. D-Faison would be funny, and charming. Zach would totally cockblock me with the girl I liked the most. I can see this happening 99 times out of 100.

Good-But-Flawed (ie These guys would be fun, and MIGHT get me chicks, but ultimately, I don’t think their star power is high enough to get a girl to go home with me)

~ Paul Rudd & Seth Rogen. Seth Rogen is fucking hilarious. Paul Rudd is awesome. You’ve got P-Rudd’s cuteness to lure girls in. He’d totally leave with like 3 chicks. S dot Rogiddy (his twitter handle, btw) would lure them in, but I can see him being too shy to really convince a girl that what she really needs is to join Rey’s “Oh Shit!” club. Note to this entry: I was gonna include Jason Segel in this, but he had to be excluded. Why? Because he’s sensitive. And tall. And better looking than I am. I mean, I’ve got the sensitive thing down, but I can’t be taller or better looking. He had to go. HOP OFF MY STEEZ, JASON SEGEL!

~ Bill Murray & Harold Ramis. I had to go with a couple of Ghostbusters on this list. I think B-Murray can still lure in some quality chicks, but while H-Ram (oh yes I did) is funny and clever, his profile isn’t high enough to really work with the 23-28 year old chicks I’d be looking for. ***THIS JUST IN: LEFT HANDED PEOPLE SUCK!*** (sorry, inside joke–I had to). Anyway, it’d probably be an incredibly funny nite–especially if they texted Chevy Chase enough so that he came out. I wonder if I can make this happen? *ponders*

~ Colin Farrell & Jamie Foxx. See… There’s a chance the Clooney-Pitt rule could apply here, but Colin’s Irish, and Jamie’s funny. You know what? I don’t think they belong here. I might have to re-evaluate them.

~ Tom Hanks & Will Smith. I know these dudes don’t really hang out, but I think they’d work well together. Will Smith is pretty much the most awesome guy on the planet, and Tom Hanks oozes class & charm. Thing is, I think the chicks they’d pull would skew a bit older, and more lookin’-for-marriage’y. Mind you, I’m totally looking forward to that too, but this is more about raucous “I can’t believe this is happening” sex than cuddly cute sex. It pains me to leave them in this category, it really does. Let’s just move on.

The Runners-Up (ie these teams are good–maybe even great–but they aren’t beating the winners).

~ Ryan Reynolds & Samuel L. Jackson. Alright, on one side, you’ve got RyRey. He’s cute, he’s hilarious, but he’s married to IATS’ reigning Hottest Woman On The Planet, Scarlett F’n Johansson. RyRey isn’t doing anything to screw that up. He’s smart. He knows that it’s impossible to move UP from ScarJo. He can only move laterally from her. A lateral move for one nite is just NOT worth losing Scarlett F’n Johansson. On the other side, you’ve got Samuel L. Jackson. You know Sam’s gonna be aces all nite long. He’s gonna be hilarious, he’s gonna get respect from dudes that would try to start some shit if it was just me and RyRey. Plus? There’s no way Sam Jackson lets anyone pay for anything when he’s around. He gives that vibe. Again, these guys are good–they’re just not better. You’ll see.

~ Jamie Foxx & Colin Farrell. Colin’s Irish, and likes the drink, so you know he’s gonna be fun. He’s gonna have chicks around him, but since he’s cool, he’ll insist that ol’ Rey gets some attention. Jamie Foxx is gonna be hilarious. He’ll get up in the DJ Booth and start cracking jokes. Colin and Jamie will probably try to out pay-for-stuff. The thing is… I can see them getting caught up in out-awesoming each other and letting my noble quest for booty fall to the wayside. In retropackle, I should’ve kept them up in Good-But-Flawed. See? That’s why you gotta work these things out.

~ Diddy & Jay-Z. Jay-Z would just be the coolest guy in the place. Posted up, champagne, hot chicks all around–but he’s going home with Beyonce (also on the Lateral list) so there’s no competition. Diddy is buying out the bar, making sure awesome music is played, taking pictures’n’shit. He only messes with Actress/Singer chicks, so all the other chicks aren’t really gonna wind up with him either. I can see them convincing chicks to make my nite awesome…but not epic. Ultimately, I think Diddy’s energy and Jay-Z’s cool would end up clashing. I can see them both picking one girl and putting too much pressure on her to hook up with me. Again, like with the Ghostbusters, it’d still be an awesome nite, just not one that ends up with an awkward exchange the next morning as the girl slinks off to go claim her $500 tax credit.

The Most Epic WingMen Team Possible. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you the winnders: The Rock and George Clooney. I’ll explain.

George Clooney: I know I excluded him before, but here’s the thing. You can’t team him up with Brad Pitt. I’d be lost in the shuffle. G-Cloo still brings a billion things to the table. He’s an older guy with charm and humor, he’s good looking, he’s got dough, he’s not looking to settle down so you know he’s gonna be game for whatever. He hangs out with friggin’ SuperModels, so he’s not gonna have any hiccups in his women-talkin’-to game. Plus, he does charitable stuff. He’ll have these girls thinking I’m the short, fat, puerto-cuban Dalai Lama. You just need to team him up with a higher energy guy who brings different things to the table.

The Rock: Now, by himself, or with anyone else, and you would most likely have a guy that’d make me look goofy for the entire nite before one last “No, but seriously, blow him” comment that would be too little, too late. Or, he’d cockblock me just because he could. But! You team him up with a bigger star, a more suave guy, and he becomes the *barf* Pippen to G-Cloo’s *barfbarfbarf* Jordan. He uses the charm to make me look awesome, and will undoubtedly fabricate stories that make me look awesome.

Once you combine the two, forget about it. They’re buying out the bar. Every girl in the place is paying attention to them–and they’re wondering who the fat guy is that’s hanging out with The Rock and George F’n Clooney. They can get any girl in the world, and therefore their “8’s” would be the equivalent of my “14’s”. There’s no way…AND THE ROCK MEANS NO WAY…that I go out to a bar with The Rock and George Clooney and NOT score with a ridiculously hot chick. Or two.

Therefore, the winner of the 2009 Celebrity WingMen Olympics are Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and George Clooney.

***

Call Reynolds, Cuz It’s A Wrap.

Okay kids, that’s it. I hope everyone is enjoying their Fourth of July weekend. I was down for a bit, but I’m feeling great again. Life is beautiful.

As always, comments, critiques, criticisms and additions/subtractions/rebuttals to my list can be left below in the Dr. Donda West-Christopher Wallace Memorial Comments Section.

Thanks for tuning in,

–RTH

Dr. Beardhussein Diagnoses Black Entertainment Television’s WrestleMania.

It’s Go Time.

Continuing on my theme of shamelessly ripping off/paying homage to Bill “The Sports Guy” Simmons, I complete step 3 out of 4 of my favorite column gimmicks from him: The Running Diary.

Now, I don’t have the interest/attention span to do a running diary on baseball (the only major sport active right now), so I figured I’d rock the BET Awards. I keep up with Urban music and trends and the unintentional comedy (another phrase Simmons loves) potential is thru the roof. Should be amusing.

Enjoy.

Pre-Awards Highlights:

1- Some 16 year olds wearing tight jeans with their asses hanging out doing some lousy song with an accompanying dance. Don’t adjust your dials, it’s not 2006-2008. This is still happening today, in broad daylight no less.

2- Keri “I Dissed Beyonce and thought it was a good idea” Hilson is out on stage pretending she didn’t have “B” narrowly out-sell her by 2,000,000 copies. Keep reaching for the stars, Keri.

3- Arsenio Hall is WAY too excited to be on TV.

4- More tight jeans on more dudes I’ll never care about.

5- The BET Award itself looks like a giant penis. Is that a nod to the “Black guys have huge dongers” thing? I’m thinking yes.

6- Pre-Show Award given out by Terrence & Rocsi, the “stars” of BET’s 106 & Park, a TRL rip-off that outlived TRL. Award goes to Day 26, allegedly an r’n'b singing group. The 5 boys come out to accept their Best Group award and then start singing, much to the delight of absolutely nobody. Favorite part of this segment? Diddy comes running out. I’m over my man crush on Sean Combs by now, but if we were at a wedding together, well, one thing might just lead to another. Okay, here we go.

Quick Note: I’m starting this 8 minutes late because I had to find the laptop plugs and needed to pause the TV during Day 26’s “singing”.

8:06pm- Greetings IATS Readers & Ravers! We’re coming to you live from the Castle O’ Rey. I’m joined by my dog, F.R.E.D., my father (henceforth known as Pop Dukes–it’s his birthday today), and tap water inside a liter-sized Poland Spring bottle. The next-door neighbors are playing outside, and I’m giddy to get this show on the road.

8:08pm- Hitting “Play”…NOW! My goodness, Day 26 is terrible. I’d rather see O*Town come back out to rock a killer performance of “All Or Nothing”. O*Town gets a bum rap. Their first album was good, and their 2nd album had a legit 5 or 6 really good songs–including a fun interpolation of the atrocious Wham!song, “Careless Whisper”.

8:09pm- Rick Ross is out on stage in a white suit and Power Ranger blue sneakers. Um…Okay.

8:10pm- The Michael Jackson tribute is starting now, with a clip of MiJac and James Brown on stage. Performance of “A-B-C” featuring motherfucking NEW EDITION?? Wow. I’m excited about this, and I was never that big on New Edition–except for “If it isn’t looove, why do I feel this waaayyy…”

8:11pm- Shot of Diddy and Lil’ Wayne. Someone should wake Weezy up.

8:12pm- Bobby Brown is already creepy. Keep the tongue in your mouth, sir. Pause. I’m really liking this tribute. New Edition is a high class “get” for this. Shot of Anthony Anderson in the crowd.

8:13pm- “Pookie! Let’s burn this motherfucker to the ground!”. Shot of Jada Pinkett Smith. Shot of Drake. Drake makes me long for a creepy shot of Bobby Brown’s tongue. Pause.

8:14pm- List of stars who are gonna be on the show. Loudest crowd reaction was for Jay-Z. Ray Chew and the Ray Chew Orchestra are gonna be on the show. Um…Okay. Wow, is that the end of the tribute? One mini-medley by New edition? I dunno how I feel about that. I hope there’s more tributes.

8:15pm- Jamie Foxx is hosting. Should be good. he’s doing the dance breakdown from “Beat It”. I like Jamie Foxx, but I’m not sure I forgive him for “Blame It” yet. Shot of Jeremy Piven in the audience. Is he the token white guy? Was Jimmy “Kimble” not available?

8:17pm- Jamie’s starting his monologue. Jamie’s doing a good rah-rah monologue. Mostly inspiring, nice joke. “Diddy! Stand up! I’ll moonwalk all over yo’ ass!”

8:19pm- “Half of ya’ll couldn’t sell out a bathroom at Carl’s Jr, and Michael was selling out Stadiums!”

8:21pm- Jamie is calling attention to his mooseknuckle. I already regret this decision.

8:22pm- Now he’s moonwalking and the crowd loves it. I should perfect my moonwalk. Any dance move, regardless of how simple it is, is more impressive if a fat guy does it.

8:23pm- Facebook IM from my friend Kate. My evening just perked up.

8:24pm- LeBron “Fuck Shaking Hands!” James is coming up on stage to accept the athlete of the year. Wouldn’t it be kiiinda funny if he never won a ring? I might be rooting for that just for the “Ain’t That A Bitch” files. Um, unless he joins the Knicks, at which point I’ll deny I ever said that.

8:25pm- Best Male Hip-Hop award presented by Tyra Banks (she gave out the previous one, too) goes to Lil’ Wayne. I always think this award should go to Kanye West, but seeing as how he didn’t put out a rap album, I’m willing to let it slide. Wayne still looks like E.T.–and Baby is on stage hoping nobody notices he’s 44 years old.

8:30pm- Rappers pick some uuuugly first wives. Wow. They need to learn how to dump their first women at the first hint of fame like actors do. Seriously, T.I.’s wife looks like someone put a wig on Barney Rubble.

8:32pm- Our first “Are we on yet? We are? Okay!” moment, followed by the 23rd request to “Make some NOI-OISE!”. They need to incorporate the “Pee-Wee’s Playhouse Secret Word” thing. When someone says “Your Boy” or “You know what it is” people can go nuts.

8:33pm- Keri Hilson is on stage. She needs longer hair. Still annoyed at her, but I love “Knocks You Down”–Kanye’s verse killllls it, and Ne-Yo’s always awesome.

8:34pm- Keri Hilson is channeling Pat Benatar’s “Love is a Battlefield” video for this performance. I’m okay with that. Point for her. Also, it just occurred to me that Kanye West is NOT scheduled to appear tonite. I think I’m back to pre-Kate’s IM Status as regretting this decision.

8:36pm- Speaking of Ne-Yo, he’s doing a performance/tribute to MJ. Just him and a keyboard. No autotune, no Lil’ Wayne, no “bottle/model” rhymes. The nite just crept up to .500.

8:37pm- Just saved for the first time. I’d have been piiiissssssed. It’s occurring to me that this diary is definitely a “Print it out and read it over the course of 2 bathroom trips/an hour train ride home from NYC”…diary.

8:38pm- Dope performance by Ne-Yo. Class act.

8:39pm- Shot of Joe Jackson in the audience, and we’re off to commercial.

8:41pm- BET’s gonna start a cooking show? I… We… I just can’t. Okay, we’re back. Let’s see if anyone tells Jamie.

8:43pm- Anthony Anderson, True Jackson, and the little black kid from “Role Models” are on stage. I’m not saying a word. Not one word. Okay, I’ll say a few words: True can sing! Nice.

8:45pm- Jamie & T-Pain are singing “Blame It” now. I hate this song. I hate this song. I hate this song. I mean, I like T-Pain quite a bit, and I like Jamie’s music–shot of Wyclef, btw–but this song is irritating. I’m staying quiet ’til this ends unless something outstanding happens.

8:46pm- KANYE WEST IS IN THE BUILDING! Snoop Dogg is on stage! I haven’t even hit “Publish” yet. Eerie. Oh, Kanye’s still with the bald girl. Doesn’t matter. Kanye West is awesome.

8:48pm- Is Snoop even gonna rap? Wow… Travis Barker is on stage, Jamie Foxx is “playing” the guitar. They seem to be combining David Bowie’s “Fame” with J-Kwon’s “Tipsy” for that. It actually worked. Touche, Jamie Foxx. No rap by Snoop. Still, I enjoyed that.

8:54pm- Jamie’s back. The MiJac love continues.

8:55pm- Jamie shouts out Drake. Rey vomits.

8:56pm- Soulja Boy! HOP UP OUT THE BEEEEEDDD! I love this song and I don’t care who knows it. There should be a minimum decibel-level for this song. The louder the better. I’m angry that the bar-club places I frequent don’t play it. Rubbish.

8:57pm- Soulja is all by himself. Props. He can’t match the the sound of the record. Drops. Kanye’s nodding his head, but giving him the look that says,”Alright, sure. Bite ‘Swagga Like Us’. Don’t ask me to be on this song. I don’t mind. Dick.”

8:58pm- How is Soulja Boy like 18 and already has 68 tattoos?

8:59pm- Chaka Khan, Estelle, and some girl that isn’t Beyonce. Noooo thanks.

9:00pm- Jamie Foxx and T-Pain win “Best Collabo” for “Blame It”. T-Pain’s medallion says “Big Ass Chain”. Is there anyone on earth who’s having more fun than T-Pain? I mean, aside from The Rock and George Clooney? T-Pain is awesome…but he needs to join Diddy on the list of people who should always, always have sunglasses on.

9:02pm- Not one Farah Fawcett, Billy Mays, or Ed McMahon shirt in the audience. I wish I had a joke here. Oh, and Ne-Yo just won for Best R&B Artist. Well duh.

9:05pm- Rushed “Huh?” Moment: BET honoring 3 random dudes for making a pact to become doctors and sticking with it. Not to be a dick, but most of this show is celebrating artists whose musical content involves drugs, alcohol, violence, and promiscuous sex…and then has a 90 second “But, you know, be a doctor!” bit. Sorry, you need more balance.

9:07pm- Jamie just had a deer in headlights moment. TelePrompTer must’ve gone down. Not too funny, but worth noting. Beyonce’s out. In apparently a one piece bathing suit. This would improve the nite, but F.R.E.D. just let one fly, so 9:07pm is a wash.

9:09pm- Whoa. Beyonce just ended her performance with a few bits from “Ave Maria” & Sarah McLachlan’s “Angel”. Someone I know once said Beyonce couldn’t sing. I’m not making a joke here because she might stumble upon this.

9:12pm- Dangit. There’s a WWE Pay-Per-View on tonite…and I’m doing this. I fully admit that I might be retarded.

9:17pm- Long commercials. Looong commercials. Time for a movie parody sketch. I think I might…WHOA! It’s Martin Lawrence! In drag! This has to be a joke. it has to be a joke. WHOA! IT IS! JAMIE FOXX AS WANDA! MARTIN LAWRENCE AS SHEHNENE! “From the makers of Godzilla and the producers of Planet of the Apes”. Classic. “Skank Robbers”! They’re not topping this. At all. We have peaked. Fucking HILARIOUS.

9:20pm- A gospel group of called Mary Mary is doing some song. It sounds way too much like a moral PG “Blame It”. I’m fast forwarding this. If I was getting paid to write, I’d watch it. I’m not. *grabs remote*

9:22pm- Dang. Whilst FF’ing, Queen Latifah comes out. I love the Queen. Dangit! Okay, resuming the >>.

9:25pm- Zoe Saldana is stupid-hot. N’Chelle Nichols was in the bathroom. Zoe said that. Once again, unintentional comedy. I wonder how many times Simmons was turned down by ESPN over trying to do this diary. Once again, Zoe Saldana is hot. And apparently she’s the one who I thought was Jada Pinkett Smith. I wonder how many times that’s happened. Taraji P Henson just won an award for something or other. She’s hot, but why are black celebrities rocking the same hair-style as Pete Wentz from Fall Out Boy?

9:28pm- Uhuru and Uhuru present an award to Keri Hilson. Kanye’s the only one in celebrity row standing and clapping. Keri… Keri… Nobody cares.

9:30pm- Jamie Foxx is singing again. Dunno if this is filler, or if this was in his contract. They’re doing “She Got Her Own”, the remix, and Ne-Yo just walked out. can’t complain, I like this one. Very mellow rendition. Ne-Yo uses class, sincerely.

9:31pm- And here comes shouting-ass Fabolous. I like Fab, and I’m glad he’s out here, but he’s fucking up the energy. Ne-Yo pulling double duty.

9:32pm- Why is EVERY OTHER SONG incorporating Yung Joc’s “It’s Goin’ Down”/That “eenie meenie miney mo” song cadence? “Blame it”, “She got her own”, Fab’s

got a couple like that–even that Mary Mary song. It’s making me a little queasy.

9:34pm- Keith Sweat. Keith. Sweat. Keith Sweat? Okay, I’m getting up and getting some ibuprofen. And maybe some cocaine. And maybe some MoJo.

9:37pm- Guy? Nice! I liked that song. Kanye was smiling. LeBron dancing is fun. AND BELL BIV DEVOE??? As Jim Ross would say it: “Business is picking up!”

9:38pm- Shot of Diddy in the audience making the “Mabe I should’ve let New Edition be New Edition and not tried making them 112 when I signed them” face.

9:39pm- Another shot of Puffy making his “Fuck no I’m not letting The Lox have their publishing” face in the direction of BBD. Ne-Yo joined them on stage. Nice.

9:40pm- Shot of Drake in the audience. Drake. Buddy. Your clock is already on 8 minutes, and your album isn’t out yet. That backlash is going to be so entertaining I can’t wait.

9:45pm- Ray J and the Real Housewives of Atlanta. An hour and fifteen more minutes. I can do this. I can do this. Where’s Burgess Meredith to yell at me ’til I’m motivated wen I need him?

9:46pm- No idea who’s singing this MiJac song. The name of the song’ll come to me. It’s one of the slow pretty ones. Ahhh! “Heal The World”. Tell you what, SNAFUs and some cringeworthy stuff aside, they’re really trying with this show.

9:49pm- Keyshia Cole is out. With ugly hair. This is not a good hair nite for black women. I like Keyshia, but I don’t like that she got her teeth fixed. I’m normally anti-gap, but Keyshia won me over with her pained vocals on Diddy’s “Last Night”. I really felt that. I mean, she could still get it. Whoa! Is that Monica? It is!

9:50pm- Brandy just flung her remote thru her flatscreen. even tho’ Brandy’s “Right Here (Departed)” is amazing, and HER song on Diddy’s “Press Play” (“Thought You Said”) was incredible.

9:52pm- Outstanding vocals on this performance. Sincerely. Monica’s hair is atrocious, too. Attention BET Awards Hair Stylist: *in Vince McMahon voice* YOU’RE FIIIIIIRED!

9:53pm- Another shot of Kanye West sitting next to the female Dr. Evil.

9:54pm- Classy affair tonite overall. Not nearly the trainwreck I thought it’d be. I need to quit reading these blog recaps of shows. Fargin’ haters, man.

9:55pm- I want Nachos. Might be too late for them. Plus, I’m almost caught up and I’d looove to be done with this by 11:30pm.

9:56pm- “Ice Age 3-D” is coming out. Finally, a 3-D installment to a movie franchise I don’t care about at all!

9:58pm- Nice moment about the mayor of Philadelphia City, MO. Jamie still has a tattoo on the back of his head for unknown reasons.

9:59pm- Marlon Wayans and Jeremy Piven. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. That moment needed all four of those “Wow”s. It really did. “If it wasn’t for Michael Jackson, people like Justin Timberlake would be selling curly fries somewhere in the valley.” Dare to dream, Jeremy. Dare to dream.

10:01pm- Best Female R’n'B star. Beyonce should just start walking up there now. Yep, it’s Beyonce. She’s incredible. She really is. Gorgeous, incredible voice, excellent song selection, elegant, classy, and married to the coolest guy on the planet. (No, not me. Jay-Z!)

10:02pm- Jamie just say Beyonce down in her seat. Bey looked scared, but she just did that cuz Jay-Z was coming out. Thank God. HOVA! HOVA! HOVA!

10:03pm- “This is Sinatra at the opera…” Awesome.

10:04pm- Beyonce looks adorable singing along. Them two are in love, and it’s obvious. They rank about a -24 on the ACS.

10:05pm- Shot of Diddy again, with his “My alpha dog status is being threatened” look. Diddy is the one man face factory. I love this f’n song. So good, even if Jay did say “I might send this to Drake and Weezy” instead of “…the mixtape Weezy”. That was a bit political, but it’s fargin’ Jay-Z!

10:08pm- AND WE’RE LIVE! The DVR caught up! Jamie Foxx is in the cheap seats. The camera-man fell. The crowd is going nuts. AAaaand some dude is holding up a copy of his CD. Wow.

10:10pm- Day 26 us coming out on stage. Why, I don’t know. These guys make me pine for LFO.

10:11pm- Don Cornelius is on-stage, shouting out Joe Jackson, Al Sharpton, and Dick Cheney. Ol’ Don isn’t looking to good. Not to be TOO flippant, but if him and Dick Clark hosted a show right now, it’d be called “What did he just say? I can’t understand a word he’s saying.”

10:14pm- I’d like to issue a formal apology for that last joke. It was meaner than I wanted it to be. Sidebar: I’m on facebook right now and some friends of mine have been going to weddings left’n'right, and posting pictures. Is there anything more pointless than taking pictures of a wedding once everyone’s walked down the aisle? Seriously, it’s 45 pictures of people with their back turned. Maybe you get a…

10:15pm- TEVIN FUCKING CAMPBELL?? Did they beam him back down to earth? Will he do “Round & Round”? Wow. Our first “moment” of the nite after the New Edition tribute. Wow.

10:17pm- Tyrese is out for the O’Jay’s tribute. I like Tyrese. BTW, Transformers 2 was awesome. Fuck whatcha heard.

10:18pm- …nice shot of the bride and groom kissing or lighting those candles, but that’s it. The rest of the pictures are far away and blurry, and there are rarely cleavage pictures in any of the pictures of the Reception. When I get married, I’m doing a dress rehearsal just so people can take some good pictures. Showtime tux, showtime dress, and then photoshop the rest if necessary. Okay, sidebar over.

10:20pm- Yes, I did have a tangent inside of a tangent. 40 more minutes. I can do this. I can do this.

10:22pm- Okay, check that. People can just take pictures during the ceremony. Get on up and move around, take some pictures. Make ‘em count. If you’re that into my wedding, knock yourself out. Also, dope tribute from Tyrese and Company. Very, very classy.

10:23pm- Oh, and since I’m at it: Motown Oldies > Classic Rock. I’m sorry, White America–but FUCK classic rock. It just can’t hang, and it’s ridiculous that that old-ass southern rock is considered classic, but the motown hits from 40 years ago are called “Oldies”. I will now formally invite you to blow me.

10:24pm- Ouch, Don Cornelius has hijacked the show. Either that, or nobody wants to give him the hook. They should have someone play him off. His speech has officially reached “Cringeworthy” status.

10:26pm- Don is STILL talking. This would never happen on the Oscars. They couldn’t possibly have budgeted 20 minutes for this. Kanye West is RIGHT THERE! He couldn’t do a song? LOL.. And now the O’Jay’s are clowning on Don! Wonderful.

10:28pm- And the LA crowd is boo’ing LeBron James after a shoutout from the O’Jay’s. Wonderful. We’re back to being entertaining.

10:31pm- ONE OF THE O’JAY’S JUST CUSSED! Yes! Our 3rd moment! Bra. Vo.
10:33pm- And now the O’Jay’s are singing. I definitely could’ve gotten nachos. I’ve seen these moments happen too often before. Everyone in that place is ready to go home. This should’ve happened before the Jay-Z performance. Hova would’ve woken everyone up.

10:34pm- 26 more minutes. 26 more minutes. 26 more minutes.

10:35pm- The O’Jay’s tribute is STILL GOING. Worst part is, in 20 years, I can see a Jay-Z tribute going just as long, with my bastard son blogging and going, “Who is Jay-Z? This sucks.”

10:37pm- I think I was still in High School when this tribute started.

10:39pm- STILL GOING. The crowd’s back into it, and we have another shot of Kanye West snuggling with his bald chick.

10:4opm- Shot of Soulja Boy wondering who the F these guys are. I think my brain just swelled. 20 more minutes…20 more minutes…20 more minutes…

10:42pm- STILL GOING. This is amazing. Remember, this started out with Day 26 coming out, and now it’s like we’re on day 26 of this tribute.

10:43pm- It’s done. Finally. Finally done. I feel like those hostages in movies that run off the plane and hug their family. I’m gonna go hug my father.

10:46pm- My ass has fallen asleep. My head hurts. I’m hungry. Sundays are miserable affairs in general (hard to get plans going, evenings feel like they end at 6pm, annoying “you have to go to work tomorrow!” nagging), but this is especially tough.

10:47pm- Feedback from the mic. That’s actually less annoying than that O’Jay’s tribute. That tribute was like watching a WGBWF match. If you’ve made it this far, please let me know by asking me what the heck a WGBWF match is.

10:49pm- The President/CEO or whatever of BET is out. Another black lady with an atrocious Pete Wentz haircut. Seriously, it’s like every black woman but Beyonce walked into a salon and either said “Make me look like Pete Wentz” or said “Make me look like Tom Hanks from ‘The DaVinci Code’.”

10:55pm- Wyclef doing charity work in Haiti. Gotta applaud Wyclef for that. I’m tired and ready for this to be over, but ‘Clef deserves props. Oh, Alicia Keys is in on that too. Good for both of them.

10:56pm- Ugh.. Just saw a tweet that said Young Money (Lil’ Wayne & Drake and co.) are performing. Bah. I like that “We like herrr and we like her tooo” song, but I haaaate Drake. Too much, too soon, not worthy of ANY of it. I’m gonna pace the Drake Bashing because there will be a LOT of it. Still, I’m a sucker for watching live rap to see if it’s good, or if it’s 22 dudes on stage yelling and walking around.

11:03pm- Whoa! G.I. Joe just looks SICK. I bet it’s gonna be a “Mortal Kombat 1″-esque sleeper hit. Or, it’ll be the Van Damme “Street Fighter” level bomb. Either way, it’ll be entertaining.

11:06pm- Taraji again! Her hair makes me sad. So sad. LOL.. “Baby Boy” spoof! Nice little bit. I like Tyrese. Still haven’t seen this movie. Still won’t. I wonder if Snoop is gonna come out in a wife beater.

11:07pm- Another shot of Kanye. Okay, I’ll cease the man crush. PausePausePause.

11:09pm- T.I. and Rhianna win some award. Neither is there. Ohhh, the viewers choice award. Okay. T.I.’s Barney Rubble lookin’ ass wife was there.

11:10pm- Ving Rhames is out! The Baby Boy stuff continues! I’m amused, but I’m still not gonna watch it.

11:12pm- Beyonce has this “Wow. I’m still here? I should be above this.” look whilst accepting the “Video of the Year” award. 3 hours plus. You gotta be kidding me. This is worse than the Oscars, isn’t it? I have no idea. Even my toenails hurt.

11:15pm- Jamie Foxx introduces Maxwell. I like good r’n'b. I miss ballads sooo much. I have nothing against Maxwell, I’m just ready for this to be over. I don’t think even I’ll make it this far on the proofread. Halfway thru the “Tribute to the O’Jay’s” stuff I’m just gonna hit “Publish” and then crawl under my desk and cry.

11:19pm- Next time I do a running diary, it’s gonna be of a Taco Bell commercial.

11:20pm- The O’Jay’s. Good. I was afraid we wouldn’t hear from them.

11:23pm- It’s hot. I’m hungry. THERE’S AN ENCORE OF THIS SHOW?? *blinks* No… NO… NOOOOOOOOO!

11:24pm- Joining the hair stylist on the unemployment line? Whoever’s doing the TelePrompTer.

11:25pm- Drake performance. No… NO… NOOOOOOOOO! This dude’s real name is Aubrey. AUBREY.

11:26pm- And he can’t recreate the sound of his records. I’m already done. This guy must have pictures of Lil’ Wayne fucking a horse. He’s fucking terrible. Maybe he won one of those “half-court shot at halftime” contests to be the next artist I can’t wait to just faaaaade awaaayyy.

11:27pm- Lil’ Wayne. Speaking of “can’t recreate the sound his records”. He sounds awful.

11:28pm- Okay, it’s only 4 guys on stage yelling. Why is Drake is sitting? Why am I still watching this? Okay, I give up. The empty tummy wins, and Pop Dukes just gave the decree that it’s dinner time. I did my best.

11:30pm- Young Money was awful.

11:4opm- Jamie & Ne-Yo close the show. Nice.

***

Call Reynolds, Cuz it’s a Wrap.

You fuckers better leave comments!

–RTH

You’ve Got Questions? Dr. Beardhussein’s Got Answers. Probably.

It’s Go Time!

So in my continued series of posts paying homage to/ripping off ESPN.com’s own Bill “The Sports Guy” Simmons, I’ve decided to do my own version of Simmons’ classic and oft-hilarious “Mailbag”columns. While Simmons’ mailbags are all real questions from real readers, the questions I’ll be answering tonite come courtesy of a few of my Facebook friends. After this, I only have Simmons’ “Running Diary” to shamelessly rip-off. Er, “pay homage to”.

I don’t know about you, but I’m getting goosebumps just thinking about it. Anyway, here it goes. Enjoy.

Q: “Does a duck’s quack echo in a cave?”–Melissa S., NY.

RTH: I, for one, am glad someone finally had the cojones to ask this question. Kudos to you, Melissa. Kudos to you. Now, as for your query, I don’t honestly know the answer to this one. Think about it, why would a duck be in a cave? Is this duck spelunking? Is this poor canard looking for treasure with his friends Mouth, Chunk, Sloth, Andy, Data, the other girl, and his brother Brand? Is this mallard the guardian of great wisdom? I think there are better questions to ask about this duck, or to ask this duck in general. Therefore, the answer is not “Yes, it echoes” or “No, it doesn’t echo”, but rather: “When the duck does quack, what is it saying?”

Q: “Can a turtle be drowned??”–Krista M., 516.

RTH: Obviously Krista’s never seen the exciting conclusion to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze. No, they can’t be drowned. They just pop up breathlessly, exclaiming “Man, I love being a turtle.”

Q: “How does a porcupine scratch without killing himself?”–Irving R., Babylon NY.

RTH: Porcupines are already blessed with mega-awesome quills, but God hath blessed the noble ‘Cupine with another gift found only in the animal world. When a porcupine gets itchy, a team of tiny, tiny Nordic men all named “Sven” emerge from their homes in the quills and fan out. Once the tiny, tiny Nordic men all named “Sven” have gathered to the scene of the itch, they pull out tinier, tinier rakes, and proceed to scratch until Morcupine Porcupine’s itch is no more. I applaud thee, Porcy Worcy. I applaud thee.

Q: “What is REALLY in a Hot Pocket!?”–Melissa S., NY.

RTH: Another good question by Melissa. When I worked at Target *single teardrop*, I feasted upon these Pockets of Hot quite often. Therefore, hence, p—->q, I know what’s in them. Seth Rogen is in them, because he’s in everything else.

Q: “Battle of the Butlers! Who would win in a fight between Mr. Belvedere, Benson and Wadsworth from Clue?”–Irving R., Babylon NY.

RTH: Ah, a good one by Irving! Here’s what I think would happen. First off, Wadsworth gets taken out right away. Sure, he’s bright, but he’s also on the prissy side. I think Mr. Belvedere drops him with a bad habit, leaving streaks on the china. Bloody streaks! Next up you have Mr. Belvedere taking on Benson. On one hand, you’ve got Mr. Belvedere. He’s big, he’s english, and there’s a chance that he’s called “Mr. Belvedere” because he gets loaded on the premium vodka what shares his name. Why is the vodka thing important? Pfff! Because he could be a mean drunk! On the other hand, you have Benson. He’s got the advantage right away because he’s black. Plus, after he was Benson, he was one of the schoolboard members from Lean On Me, and informed no less a Man Among Men than Morgan F’n Freeman that he, BENSON, was the “…Head Nigga In Charge!”. I say Benson takes the fight in the 10th round, but being a gentlemen, Mr. Belvedere shakes his hand offers his hat, and then gives him that little bastard child Wesley as a trophy.

Q: “What New Jersey Net finished his basketball career with only 4 assists?”–Jay S., 631 NY.

RTH: Jay! For the last time! Yinka Dare is dead! RIP, Yinka.

Q: “Who put the Bop in the Bop Shoo Bop Shoo Bop?”–Irving R., Babylon NY.

RTH: I think it was a typo, and it was supposed to be “Who put the Boop in the Boop Shoo Boop Shoo Boop?”. Therefore, the answer is: Corin Nemec. “Who’s Corin Nemec?” I’ll tell you! Corin Nemec is/was the star of the criminally slept-on and bafflingly not-available-on-DVD’d show, Parker Lewis Can’t Lose. For about 3 or 4 years, Corin Nemec played the title character. Parker was awesome. He ran shit at his school, he had 2 loyal sidekicks, a gentle giant, awesome parents, and a great villain to combat in “Miss Musso”. I can’t beleive this show isn’t on DVD. Parker was like the blessed offspring of Zack Morris and Ferris Bueller, only with better gadgets and catchphrases.  I mean, the fucking series finale of Friendswas out on DVD about 14 seconds after Rachel said “I got off the plane!”. Why is this that women-kind has that captured forever in all of it’s *barf*-inducing glory, but I’m forced to scour the interweb for episodes what went from VHS to DVD to YouTube? Nobody on Friendshad a cool trenchcoat with gadgets in it! Nobody on Friendsdevoured fish given as rewards! One of these days, I’m smacking David Schwimmer with a bunch of celery, and no jury in the world will convict me for it. Let’s just move on.

Q: “Why do birds have eyelids?”–Michelle “Jay’s Wife” S-G., 631 NY.

RTH: Great question, Mrs. Jay. However, just a tiny bit of pondering will answer it for you. Think about it: You’re a Mama Bird. You’ve got Baby Birds to feed. You’re chewing up worms and then regurgitating them into the mouths of your hungry younglings. You think those baby birds wanna eat worms? Heck no! They’re little kids! They want pizza! Pizza with bird seed! You know they see Mama Bird (or “Boid” if said avian hails from one of the five boroughs of New York City) and go, “Hey Corey, does she have a box?” and then Corey replies “Nope, looks like worms again. I mean, i could be spaghetti, but we’ve been fooled before.” So Mama Bird comes flying in with worms–again–and chews ‘em up and spits them into the gaping maws of her children. She then closes her eyelids just in case one of her kids barfs because they’re eating worms with nary a dirtbike to be won in sight. Without eyelids she’d just have worm bits all over her eyes, and come on, she works long days and tries to do right by her kids. She doesn’t need the added pressure of worm bits all up in her ojos. Also, I’m tired, which is why this answer was particularly weird.

Q: “Why do old people just turn on the water and make believe they are taking a shower”–Michelle “Jay’s Wife” S-G., 631 NY.

RTH: I dunno about this one. Papa was just in the shower and he now smells soapy-fresh. Gotta hand it to my Papa, he’s 63 next Sunday and he has yet to acquire that old people odor. The key? Irish Spring, Degree, and English Leather Black cologne. Fun Fact about Papa? He wants an Asian Bodyguard/Man Servent/Chauffer named “Phred”. If I ever hit it big, that’s the first purchase. Well, second, right after I buy my massage chair. I need a massage. Also? I need to wrap this up. 3 more questions.

Q: “Why does everyone who works/owns a carvel Asian”–Michelle “Jay’s Wife” S-G., 631 NY.

RTH: Is there a takeover of Carvel by Asians? Are the ice cream scoopers all bad drivers and good at math? Do they know Karate? Is it tough for them to say “Carvel”? If you eat Carvel served by an Asian, do you crave more dessert 45 minutes later? I need to know these things. You know what’d be neat tho’ in terms of the Carvel Asian Invasion? Eatching ice cream with chop sticks. It’d make Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough or Cookies’n'Cream way more fun. Another great use for chop sticks? Girls use them to do their hair, and lemme tell you–that look is Sexy. That’s right, folks. We’ve reached the chismo portion of the evening. Don’t blame me, blame the pictures of Alexis “Rory Gilmore/Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants” Bledel I saw earlier this evening.

Q: “Why isn’t the term Whale Shark an oxymoron?”–Potter., Commack NY.

RTH: I’m gonna go with this. I think it’s not considered an oxymoron because of how friggin’ big a Whale Shark is. If a Whale Shark could walk around on land, it’d definitely have conquered Tokyo already. You know what I like about Whales tho’? Songs of the Humpback Whale. I would listen to this. I would sample this. I would get at least 3 of my friends to add it to their regular iPod/Car Stereo rotation. I would. I’m that good.

Q: “Why isn’t it socially acceptable to say ‘We should totally make out. No strings, No awkward, No nothing. Just a bit of good ol’ fashioned out-making.”?–George T., Brentwood NY.

RTH: Okay, I made that last one up. But still!

***

Call Reynolds, Cuz it’s a Wrap.

Okay kids, that’s it for tonite. I’m dunzo. It’s officially Saturday June 20th, and I’m tiiiired.

As always, comments, questions, critiques, and your own answers to the above riddles can be left below in the Dr. Donda West-Christopher Wallace Memorial Comments Section.

Thanks for tuning in,

–RTH

Gimme some room, folks. I’m a doctor.

(I bet even ScarJo & RyRey are guilty of a couple of these)

It’s Go Time.

A little known fact about your friend RTH is that I have a Doctorate from The School Of Hard Knocks. In fact, it’s a PhD in Amateur Psychology. My specialty? Relationships, with special emphasis on Contradictory, Baffling and Counterproductive Coupledom.

What, you think I picked “Dr. Beardhussein” out of a hat?

Anyway, being the only single guy in my little social circle, I have plenty of time to look around and observe the stuff my relationship’d up friends do. Plus, spending as much time as I do on the MySpace and the Facebook, I’ve noticed other things people on my friends list(s) do. Frankly, a lot of it doesn’t make any sense, and a lot of it is HI-larious.

That being said, I’d like to present to you the definitive Annoying Couple Scale, or “A.C.S.” for short. Finally, a compendium of all of the stuff couples do that annoys everybody–family, friends, even other couplers that may or may not be guilty of similar infractions. So, with no further ado, here is the scale, which goes from a “0″ (not bad by an stretch of the imagination) to “10″ (someone might honestly swing on one or both of the couplers if it persists).

Oh, and before I get started, special thanks to ESPN.com’s Bill “The Sports Guy” Simmons, who has run several columns like this before. Don’t think of it as biting, think of it as an homage.

Heeeeere we go!

The Annoying Couple Scale:

0- No infractions whatsoever. A couple that plays together, respects each other’s friends and families, and always either chips in for food/booze, or helps clean up at the end of the nite. (Warning, these kinds of phenomenons never last for long. This behavior always has an expiration date.)

1- “Sure! Sounds awesome! Lemme just see what ___ wants to do.” (This could also be put on the “Shitty Friend Stuff” list, but we’re keeping this lighthearted. This one is annoying because it’s impossible to make plans when Billy Boyfriend has to get permission from Gertrude Girlfriend as to whether or not he can accept an invitation to a party thrown by a friend he’s had since 4th grade).

1.5- Combination of Names On A Vanity Plate. (Aww, there goes “FrnkSara”’s Altima! Aww, there goes RTH’s lunch all over the dashboard!)

2- Matching Team Jerseys. (This one only applies if one of the couplers has never had any loyalty to the team whose jersey they’re wearing. Counts for double if it’s from a sport that, prior to dating their significant other, they either had no knowledge of or no interest in. “No! No! I always liked the San Jose Sharks! My best friend in 7th Grade Art was named Jose so I started rooting for them!” or “Are you crazy? I love Major League Soccer! GO GALAXY!” )

2.5- Tandom Answering Machine Outgoing Messages. (This one would be a more egregious offense except that I’m convinced nobody does this in real life. Still, it must be included. “Hi!” “It’s Frank!” “And Sarah!” “We can’t get to!” “The Phone right now!” “But leave a message!” “And we’ll get back to you!”. Um, no.)

3- Faux-Indifferent Code Names For Significant Other. (“Yeah, sorry guys, I gotta go hang out with the ol’ ball’n'chain tonite.” Dude, you’re not sorry. In fact, it was YOU who said, “It’s okay hun, I’m just going for a bit so they don’t give me hell. I’ll be home by 9pm.” or, the female, “Oh, sorry for texting the entire time I was here, it’s ol’ Stupid bothering me again.” Chica, you’re not sorry. In fact, it was you who texted “Ol’ Stupid” with “So am I c-ing u 2night??????” while you were still in the car.)

3.5- “Sorry, it’s **insert name of TV show** with ___ nite. We’ll catch up another time!” (Date Nites? Completely understandable. Appointment TV nites with your significant other over hanging with friends? Not cool. Why? Because unless it’s a live event, the show will either be re-run status over the summer, or on DVD in the fall. You can afford to miss this week’s episode of “Photogenic White People Have Problems Too” or “Ign’ant Minority Folks Sho’ Love Bein’ On TV”.)

4- Matching Cell Phones. (Economical? Sure, if you’re on a family plan together you can get 2 identical phones for cheap. Otherwise, it’s just overkill. “I got the pink one!”, “I got the black one!”, “My ringtone is Kelly Clarkson!”, “My ringtone is the theme song to ‘Thunder Cats’!”. And then blood shoots out of Rey’s eyes.)

4.5- Combination E-Mail Addresses. (Okay, e-mail is free. You don’t have to double up, so Why is your e-mail address “FrankNSarah4Eva”? Why do I need to censor the e-mail I send to Frank? If I see something that’s funny or gross in an inappropriate-for-girlfriend way and wanna send it, I can’t. You know why? Because Sarah’s f**king nosey, that’s why.)

5- More Than 3 Overly Affectionate/Hyperbolic Social Networking Site Statuses Per Week. (Because nobody needs to be continually bombarded with any of the following MySpace/Facebook/Twitter Status Messages: “Missing my honey!” should have a warning preceding it. Seriously, I’ve embedded 3 wireless keyboards into the sheetrock in front of my monitor over this one. “Relaxing with my baby!” carries an ellipse with it along the lines of “…and you’re at home reading this! Light yourself on fire!”. “Can’t wait to see my beautiful girlfriend/handsome boyfriend!” can be translated roughly into “I have a boyfriend! I have a boyfriend! I have a boyfriend! Did I mention my boyfriend? I have a boyfriend!”–or girlfriend, whatever.)

5.5- “My boyfriend/girlfriend, ____.” (Look, we know you have a boyfriend/girlfriend. Stop always referring to them as “My boyfriend Chuck” or “My girlfriend Chuckina”. Just say their name. We read your friggin’ status messages. We’ve seen your license plate. We’ve sent you e-mail. WE KNOW WHO YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT!)

6- Photographic Evidence Of Matching Outfits. (2 exceptions to this. The first is if the outfits in question were gifts from a child under the age of 10. The other is if the outfits in question were gifts from a relative over the age of 45. Anyone else in between should just f**king know better. Furthermore, if you’re wearing matching outfits, your friends are lauhging. Maybe not obviously, but you’re being soundly mocked. Yes, that sounds a bit mean, but come on! Matching outfits? Unless you’re performing a dance at The Max in front of Casey Kasem, you made a poor decision. Oh, and if any of the matching clothing/accessories is at all Disney related, this rating jumps to a 12, and we can openly snicker at your get-up.)

6.5- “I used to hate _____, but now I’m getting into it!”/”Oh man, I’m all about ___!”. (You f’n liar. You HATED ___, used to rant and rave about how terrible it was, but now you love it? Look, I’ve done some goofy stuff for the opposite sex up to and including eating leaves in first grade, but I will never…AND THE ROCK MEANS NEVER pretend to like something I hate because it might score me points with someone I’m already in good with. The other thing is pretending to be completely and totally enamored with a band, tv show, or movie franchise when you didn’t care one lick about it before your significant other came alone and, coincidence of all coincidences, happened to ALSO be enamored with said band, tv show, or movie franchise. Okay, I’m gonna make another vomiting joke and I think I’ve maxed out regurgitation already. Let’s just move on.)

7- “We’re Teaming Up!”. (Okay, let’s go over this, shall we? You’re around a bunch of friends. There’s some kind of competition, be it beerpong, board games, Field Day, chug paddle relay, and out of everyone there, you’re picking…your boyfriend/girlfriend? Now, call me cynical, but isn’t that a surefire way to get into an argument? Guaranteed that one coupler is more competitive than the other, and will at some point in the evening lament that, had they a different partner, they might’ve one. This will lead to the other coupler getting hurt and defensive, and will lead Rey to resume sniffing glue.)

8- Your Shared Pet Is A Dog/Cat, Not A Child. (I love my dog F.R.E.D.–probably more than I love some actual human beings I know. Still, unless he’s physically ill and unable to fend for himself while I’m gone, you will never…ever…ever…ever hear me say, “Sorry, I gotta watch the dog. He doesn’t like being alone.”. No, you know what your pet doesn’t like? He/She doesn’t like you blinding him/her with 245 blasts of your camera’s flash. Stop taking pictures of the dog! Enough with the pictures of you and the dog! Enough of the pictures with your significant other and the dog! Enough with the pictures of you, your significant other, and the dog! No mas! This one gets multiplied by 73 if the pictures look like they were taken at a photo studio.)

8.5- The We/Us Sickness. (“We think ___”, “We’ll ____”, “When it comes to us ____”, “As for us, ____”. Oh. Emm. Gee. Frank, Sarah… I’m happy that you’ve managed to meld into one sentient being, but…okay, no, I’m not happy. You sound like an alien. Quit it.)

8.75- The Happy Couple Lecture Tour. (You ever have a couple try to give you advice about single life or relationships? You ever realize how much the talks sound eerily similar to the lectures parents from late 80’s/early 90’s sitcoms gave every week? You will now.)

9- “Sorry we’re late…again!”. (Now, admittedly, it’s been a while since I’ve been in a relationship, but I’m pretty sure I had functioning clocks while my name was attached to a girl’s name by an “N” or a “<3″. Maybe that’s changed, because “Couple Time” is worse than “Yahoo Time” and “C.P. Time”. Next Christmas I’m getting all my relationship’d friends watches, hourglasses, and sundials.)

9.5- The Awkward Witnessing Of A Pointless Argument. (I’m not talking the crazy “serious dent in the relationship” arguments that can happen sometimes, I’m talking about the uncomfortable arguments or mini-arguments we have to pretend aren’t happening. Or hilarious. Seriously! It goes with number 7! The “you’re so competitive, it drives me crazy!” argument is too funny. It’s not important in the slightest, but someone catches hurt feelings, and I catch a case of the giggles. Still, like most of the stuff on the list, us outsiders are supposed to pretend it isn’t happening. Couplers, just so you know, the mini-arguments over nothing will also be soundly mocked–half because it’s funny, and half because we’re bound by unwritten rules to not say “Hey, relax, It Ain’t That Serious!”. Oh, warning! These kinds of arguments can lead to “I Can’t Believe You Just Said That” moments, which as I’ve said before are always the death of fun for the dude in the relationship. Like a girlfriend-induced timeout where she can have fun but you have to have the “I just peed on the carpet and I know you’re mad at me” face on for the rest of the nite.)

9.75- Jackasses Ordering Transmitters For Their Girlfriend As A Surprise Only To Cancel At The Last Second Because They’re Obviously Morons. (That’s a workstory that had to be brought up. Moving on!)

10- The Keri’n'Mario Memorial Insult Festival. (My brother dated this girl for almost 4 years, and she always had this annoying habit of bringing up cringeworthy stories of their intimate life in front of us. My brother would play the part and just sorta shrug it off. This would drive me f’n crazy. I mean, picking on one’s significant other is okay for the most part, but not all the time, and definitely not about in-the-bedroom stuff, and definitely DEFINITELY not in front of his friends. There’s a difference between cracking a joke that we can get some playful mileage out of, and dropping a bomb that just makes everyone look around the room until someone changes the subject or farts or something. It always reminded me of those sitcoms where the wife, kids, and dog are all smarter than the husband on the show, and she insults him left and right. Since this one wasn’t that funny, I’d like to point out that, for a change, my nipples are NOT hard. You’re welcome.)

***

Call Reynolds, Cuz It’s A Wrap.

Alright kids, that’s it for tonite. I hope you enjoyed the list. I’m sure there are other things that can make this list, but I thought this would be a good jumping off point. Oh, and to the couples I know that might read this–if the shoe fits, wear it, but also know that while this is a work of truthful observation, it’s also another healthy way of me venting my singleness. AKA Don’t gimme shit for this!

As always, comments, questions, critiques, and additions to the list can be left below in the Dr. Donda West-Christopher Wallace Memorial Comments Section.

Thanks for tuning in,

–RTH