Cuz, you know, you can eat a bunch of them at one time.
Shut up, I’m awesome.
So here at It Ain’t That Serious, I try to keep things lighthearted, jovial, buoyant–the way boobs should be. To keep up with that tradition, I present to you the inaugural “Mini Cheeseburgers” column, which will basically be me rambling on about a bunch of different topics. This should be interesting.
3 Words in Hip-Hop that I hate:
1- Swagger. As has been argued many times throughout the sites I frequent (see previous entry), the word “Swagger” has replaced “talent” as the defining characteristic of today’s so-called “hot” rappers. Fuck that. “Swagger” was a cool word, a cool little way of describing ones own style, and then some fucker (probably one of the Dipset) decided that having an impressive swagger was more important than, say, learning how to rap. Fuck swagger.
2- Hater/Hating. So let me get this straight: I think Lil’ Dane is nothing more than a novelty act. I think 50 Cent should be put in a spaceship and rocketed to Pluto. I think Dane Cook is an unfunny frat boy who looks like he got hit in the face with molten hot gravel…and that makes me a hater? So, I can’t just think something sucks or think that someone is useless? I must be secretly jealous, or I must secretly love them to the point where I hate that I can’t be more like them or maybe even physically with them. (the Two Times theory). I’m gonna go with “No”. Fuck haters. Some stuff just plain sucks, and some stuff is cool–at least I have good reasons backing up whichever way I feel. Oh, and hip-hop coolsters? Feelings are okay. Seriously.
3- Relevant/Relevance. Lemme see if I get this one 100%. Missy, Lil’ Kim, Ja Rule, Method Man, Redman, The Wu, The Lox.. all irrelevant because Hot 97 won’t play them 150 times a day the way they do that fucking Yung Berg song? Okay, so apparently, if some smedium t-shirted wallet chain wearing assclown doesn’t have your song on their supercool red’n’black themed MySpace, they don’t matter? Fuck that shit. I wish a case of scorching gonorrhea on whoever feels that way.
Albums by Female artists I like but will probably get shit for:
Janet Jackson’s “Rhythm Nation 1814”. First of all, “Rhythm” is the best looking word on the planet. Fuck vowels, let’s invoke that “sometimes Y” clause we always include. Then, we’ll just shove the “m” at the end. “Rhythm” was definitely coined by a black or latino guy, cuz if some Honky came up with it, it would’ve been spelled “Rithimm”. Anyway, This album was so damm good it was insane. The title track was not only a great pop song that you could dance to (not me, I can’t dance worth a dang), but it also had a great little message. “Escapade”, “Miss you much”, “Black Cat”, “Alright” all dope songs. Then, of course, you have the Coup De Grace, “Love will never do without you” which ushered in the era of Janet Jackson: SuperHottie.
2- Madonna’s “The Immaculate Collection”. *insert groan of supercool audience here* Yes, ol’ Madge makes my list. These songs were Madonna at her best, before she got into S&M, before Dennis Rodman and Vanilla Ice got into her, and before she started using that British accent that nobody knows how she acquired. “Into the groove”, “Crazy for you”, “Cherish”, “Like a prayer”, “Papa don’t preach”? I’ll put up any of those songs against anything from Cassie, Ciara, Fergie, Nelly Furtado, or any other midriff baring quasi-talented “R&B Chanteusse”.
3- Mariah Carey’s um, “Mariah Carey”.– Ahh, remember the days when Mariah was half black? So do I. Her boobs were smaller, but her songs were better. I’m not saying I’d trade boobs for better Mariah music, I’m just saying. Songs like “Vision of Love”, “Someday”, and “Love takes time” showed a lot of heart, a lot of soul, and the best female singing voice of all time. (Sorry Whitney).
Some Quick Factoids about Rey The Hussein:
I’m a leo… My favorite TV show is “Scrubs”… I only saw “Scarface” in it’s entirety for the first time in November of 2005, and I still don’t see what the big deal is… My favorite guilty pleasure song is “Gettin’ Jiggy With It”… I think I’ve become addicted on a cellular level to Cheez-Its… I got suspended in 5th grade for hitting a girl in the head with a rock (in my defense, she was enormous and scary).
The Last Bite
There ya go, some nice vittles to get you thru the day, you know, when NahRight turns into a ghost-town, or MySpace is boring, or any other sitcheeations that might possess you to read my rambling rambles of ramblitude.
And to any “haters”, irrelevant E-Thugs, or swaggeriffic dickheads looking to use what I wrote as “ether” against me.. Hey, douchebags: I wrote this, using it against me would be like trying to drown AquaMan.