Aaaaannnnd…you’re done.

Dr. Perry Cox [||]

It’s time to rant and rave, Ginger.

Here at It Ain’t That Serious, we’re gonna expound on some things that need expoundin’ on. Things that rattle around in my brain like marbles inside a cookie jar.

You shut your filthy mouth. That made sense.

White Folks– I have no problem with white folks, in theory. My nephew is white. My best friend is white. Like 85% of the girls I’ve dated/hooked up with have been white. However, certain types of white folks have earned the distinction of the first recipients of a great big “Aaaaannnnd you’re done.”

1- White Guys at Bars. Now I’m not talking about your average khaki-clad guy, or some dude wearing jeans and Nike crosstrainers watching the Giants play. No No, No No. I’m talking about these fuckin’ 22-28 year old pieces of wonder bread that must all shop at the Honkey Haberdashery. Here’s the uniform: Boot cut jeans, White dress shirt with thin, widely spaced grey vertical stripes, black dress shoes or boots. Next time you go to a bar that gets coverbands that play In-the-now covers, look around. Millions of those fuckers. Note the fact that none of them have any kind of facial hair, but they all have Brandon Walsh sideburns. Those dudes make me sick, plus, they’re all taller than I am. Assholes.

2- Shaggy Haired Young White Boys. Words cannot describe the pure, smoldering fury I feel when I see these Shaun White looking idiots at the mall, or the movies, or driving by and seeing them skateboarding in a motherfucking Starbucks parking lot. These nihilistic little Cable Modem Fuckers make me fuckin’ sick. I’m not impressed by your mastery of smedium t-shirts with fucking Mrs. Edna Garrett on them. I’m not impressed by your ability to tp wtht usng n vwls. I’m not impressed by your stupid Adult Swim cartoons, and I sure as shit am not impressed by whatever Family Guy/Obscure Bands nobody gives a shit about buttons/stickers you have all over your Osh-Kosh backpack that your Mom got you. As far as I’m concerned, you should all be given crewcuts and then pummelled vigorously by the Service Industry Workers you mock whilst purchasing your Cracka-ccino. (and that’s cracka as in “white”, not as in “Young Jeezy sold crack”).

3- Thick Snowbunnies Out and About. Listen up, thick snowbunnies: I DIDN’T PUT THAT SKIRT ON YOU! I AIN’T TELL YOU TO LET THE TWINS OUT! SO DON’T FUCKIN’ GIVE ME DEATH LOOKS FOR OOGLING THE GOODIES YOU PUT ON DISPLAY! I mean, Good God, these chicks are the ones that put up myspace pics of themselves with their boobies all out and kissing their hot chick friends, but the world will just fucking implode if I happen to give a chick the ol’ “Terminator 2” Scan. In the immortal words of my friend Jay: Fuck that shit. You should be glad I’m staring at you, cuz them honkey ass crackers at #1 are calling you fat while you’re debating on whether or not to blow them in their Maximas.

Your Buddens Could of– I understand that, when talking on the internet, one doesn’t need impeccable grammar and spelling. Hell, I’m not even sure I spelled “Impeccable” right. There are, however, some mis-spellings that I just can’t…get…past.

1- “Buddens“. Guys, look. It’s B-U-D-D-E-N. There’s only one of him. Now, if you’re talking about his album, then you’re still missing the apostrophe. Here’s some help: “Joe Budden only released one album.” and “Budden’s album was called, “Joe Budden”. There ya go.

2-“Your”. This was covered once on an episode of “No Minorities Allowed”, er, “Friends”. YOUR is possessive. “Your copy of Budden’s album is in my car.” Now, if you mean to say “You are ___”, that is YOU’RE. “You’re gonna give me my copy of Budden’s album after I give you your copy of Kanye’s album, right?” There ya go. Another example: “YOU’RE happy because YOUR copy of Kanye’s album is dope, right?”.

3-“Should of”. Once again, an error that offends me on many levels. There is no such set of words as “Should of…” “Would of…” or “Could of…”. Stop. Writing. That. Now, “Should have”, “Would have”, and “Could Have”? Those actually exist! Examples- “I would have given you my copy of Budden’s album if your copy of Kanye’s album could have arrived today.” “Dang, it should have arrived today. You’re still gonna wanna borrow it, right?” There ya go.

Movie Catchphrases– I’m not really above using a good line from a movie. I tend to stick to the obscure ones (peep my usage of the word “Yamo”) that don’t really get played out. However, I am in the minority on this one. So, having said that, here is a brief history of movie catchphrases and impressions that need to die swift and horrible deaths:

1-Ace Ventura Pet Detective. In the beginning of my 9th grade year I couldn’t walk ten fucking feet without hearing some asshole, fresh off of the home video release of Jim Carrey’s starmaking role, yell out: “ALRIGHTY THEN!”. I should’ve knocked those fuckers down the stairs. The shit was cool when Jim Carrey did it. Nobody in the Brentwood Freshman Center was Jim flippin’ Carrey.

Others that needed to die: “Yummy!”, “Loo-hoo-za-her.”, and “There ya go, little fella.” *barf*

2-Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery. I have a special place of hatred in my heart for Mike Myers and his nightmarish creation, Austin Danger Powers. Like with #1, nobody saw this movie in the theater, but when it came out on cassette later on in 1997, early 1998, you couldn’t escape hearing those two words that made my blood boil and my eyes see nothing but white hot rage: “Yeah baby!”. Fuck “Yeah baby”. Fuck it right in it’s ass. Mike Myers isn’t even funny, but sure as shit, 300 kids in Brentwood High School needed, yearned, desired to imitate his annoying catchphrase throughout the school grounds. If Mike Myers is ever to be put in jail, I hope his cell has his catchphrases piped in over loudspeakers every day of his sentence.

Other Crimes Against Humor- “Do I make you horny?”, “I shagged her rotten!”, and “Oh behave”–and for using that last one in a song, I hope Jay-Z drops his wallet overboard a yacht, never to recover it.

3- Napoleon Dynamite. If you like this movie, please know that I want to hit you. Hard. With like, a rock. A big rock. I hate this movie, and for the life of me, I don’t think it’s possible for me to do enough drugs to think any of it is funny. Matter ‘fact, I’m convinced that nobody actually thinks it’s funny. Jon Heder bribed some critics to say it was hilarious, and then everybody just The Emperor’s New Clothes‘d in on it, and a “phenomenon” was born. Fuck that. Emperor Heder, you’re fuckin’ naked. Oh yeah, and nobody says “Gosh!” anymore and means it outside of Archie Comics. And btw? Archie > Napoleon.

Say This and Earn a Trip to Smacktown: “Idiot!”, “It’s a liger!” or whatever else… *barf*

4- Borat & His Long Ass Title. This is the other movie on the list that I actually liked…until the catchphrase trolls moved in under my Liking Borat Bridge. It’s not about hating something that’s popular, it’s about having a million unfunny motherfuckers spew this shit like they’re the only fucking ones doing it. Die. Die. Die. Die. So, that having been said, Fuck “Make sexy time” and everything else Sacha Baron Cohen said in this movie.

I Actually Stopped Talking To My Friend Jay For A Week For Saying: “High five!”, “Nice!”, and “Wawa wee wa!”

*exhales* Okay, that’s enough ranting for now. To goofy white folks, bad spellers/grammar-ers, and catchphrase whores, I say this to you:

Aaaaaannnnnd…you’re done.

–RTH

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18 Responses to “Aaaaannnnd…you’re done.”

  1. Phuque Says:

    I agree (c) Hollywood Squares

  2. State of Grace Says:

    Fully with you on Blueprint2, I like Crooked I’s version better just for that reason. But you forgot how 2x purposefully spells Kanye’s name “Kayne,” the kind of (passive) aggressive content that is the mark of true upper-level stannery. The problem of quality content being ruined by the general public is only going to get worse as hiller and hiller billies with redder and redder necks are discovering the online world. I noticed it recently when I saw 2 advanced screenings of Superbad, which is funny but like everything else in modern culture, is assimilated incredibly fast to the point where it’s a grandma in a life insurance ad delivering a modified but obviously copied catchphrase from the movie/tv show/youtube video/brain beam of the moment.

  3. Fuxy Gillespie Says:

    Damn Rey you went on in on your blog post today geez, I think you left evidence of this over on Nah so I came and sure enough you splattered this blicka today. good shit Cien!

  4. LL(not the rappa) Says:

    LMAO!….good stuff rey!…..I should use that in a real situation to see the reaction i get.

  5. EnglandRepresent Says:

    You mad?

  6. thoreauly77 Says:

    hey now rey, i own a maxima. lay off! i wonder how well a blog would go about how these latinos are good and these latinos are bad? just saying. i personally dont give a fuck about the racially charged anti-whitey banter because i feel like it’s anti-whitey, not anti-white, and i feel like i am identified by others as white and dont necessarily have anything in common with most whites….. accept for the privilege i have inherited of course. hey, you want to blow some white peoples minds? tell them about white privilege! it does it every time!

    anyhow, great post. i have been drinking red wine so i feel wonderful.

  7. reythehussein Says:

    ~Thanks Phuque.

    ~Cosign State of Grace.. I might expound on that further.. I’ve clicked enough random myspace profiles to see that everyone and their mother loved “Anchorman” and has the word “BITCHES!!!!!!!” somewhere in there.

    ~Thanks Fuxito!

    ~LL–Oh man, my friends hate the “Aaaaannnnd…you’re done.” It’s a beautifully antagonistic verbal weapon.

    ~EngRep–Not at all, good sir. Just thinking my thinks.

    ~Thor–LOL.. Anytime you wanna collabo on Goofy Latinos, I’m down. The “Mesh tank top” thing alone is a hundred word paragraph.

    Thanks to all for checking in. It’s appreciated!

  8. State of Grace Says:

    Stay off that myspace. I’d rather put my fingers in Courtney Love than let them type a myspace address into my browser

  9. Soul Says:

    What up Rey? I didn’t know you was bloggin’!?

    I like the mis-spellings rant. I fuckin’ hate that ‘Buddens’ bullshit too.

  10. reythehussein Says:

    lol @ S of G– Sorry homey, I’m a bit of a MySpace addict.

    @ Soul– Yeppers.. I’m a bloggin’ fool. It’s fun so far. The mis-spelling thing drives me f’n bonkers. I always prided myself on my spelling growing up (I read a lot, plus it set me apart from the dummies in my classes), so even tho’ I’m more lax about it now some stuff irks me.

    “Buddens” and “Kayne” get on my nerves too, as S of G touched on [||] earlier.

    Thanks for stopping by!

  11. Babydoll Says:

    LMAO! Great topic of discussion. That Budden and YOUR ish was classic!

  12. reythehussein Says:

    @ Babydoll– lol, thank you. I’m glad you enjoyed it.

  13. T DOT Says:

    YES! (c) Marv Albert

    Nice post Rey. Blackin out on peoples.

  14. Two-Times Says:

    yo what up rey….good post

    i read your stuff… it had me cracking up… Lmao…

    What’s u think of the Kayne album…..???

  15. Bare Arms/911 Says:

    they give anybody a blog nowadays …hahaha…keeping it this real will endear you to folks, but also give some people reason to slight you at every and any given opportunity…I say do you. No compromising take the good with the blah. Uno.

  16. Busta Nut Says:

    Ha ha, Rey good post!!! Never knew you had your own blog!!!

  17. Belize Says:

    *does buddens voice*

    “Thats..Thats…Thats that On Top Blogging!”..lol

  18. reythehussein Says:

    @ T Dot– Heh, after the nite I had last saturday, venting was needed.

    @ Two Times– Thanks alot homey, it’s appreciated. I haven’t listened to Kanye yet. I’m waiting for the retail. *sticks fingers in ears*

    @ BareArms/911– First, props for the blog name! S.C.B. is a Scrubs joke! Secondly, I know.. but I have no problem deleting comments and/or directing people to the name of this blog.

    @ Busta– Yes sir.. It’s 2 weeks old today. So far, so good! *suffolk county to scotland daps*

    @ Beli– LOL.. I’m tryin’!

    Thanks to everyone who stopped by and gave me some feedback. I’ll keep the content aggressive!

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