It’s time to rant and rave, Ginger.
Here at It Ain’t That Serious, we’re gonna expound on some things that need expoundin’ on. Things that rattle around in my brain like marbles inside a cookie jar.
You shut your filthy mouth. That made sense.
White Folks– I have no problem with white folks, in theory. My nephew is white. My best friend is white. Like 85% of the girls I’ve dated/hooked up with have been white. However, certain types of white folks have earned the distinction of the first recipients of a great big “Aaaaannnnd you’re done.”
1- White Guys at Bars. Now I’m not talking about your average khaki-clad guy, or some dude wearing jeans and Nike crosstrainers watching the Giants play. No No, No No. I’m talking about these fuckin’ 22-28 year old pieces of wonder bread that must all shop at the Honkey Haberdashery. Here’s the uniform: Boot cut jeans, White dress shirt with thin, widely spaced grey vertical stripes, black dress shoes or boots. Next time you go to a bar that gets coverbands that play In-the-now covers, look around. Millions of those fuckers. Note the fact that none of them have any kind of facial hair, but they all have Brandon Walsh sideburns. Those dudes make me sick, plus, they’re all taller than I am. Assholes.
2- Shaggy Haired Young White Boys. Words cannot describe the pure, smoldering fury I feel when I see these Shaun White looking idiots at the mall, or the movies, or driving by and seeing them skateboarding in a motherfucking Starbucks parking lot. These nihilistic little Cable Modem Fuckers make me fuckin’ sick. I’m not impressed by your mastery of smedium t-shirts with fucking Mrs. Edna Garrett on them. I’m not impressed by your ability to tp wtht usng n vwls. I’m not impressed by your stupid Adult Swim cartoons, and I sure as shit am not impressed by whatever Family Guy/Obscure Bands nobody gives a shit about buttons/stickers you have all over your Osh-Kosh backpack that your Mom got you. As far as I’m concerned, you should all be given crewcuts and then pummelled vigorously by the Service Industry Workers you mock whilst purchasing your Cracka-ccino. (and that’s cracka as in “white”, not as in “Young Jeezy sold crack”).
3- Thick Snowbunnies Out and About. Listen up, thick snowbunnies: I DIDN’T PUT THAT SKIRT ON YOU! I AIN’T TELL YOU TO LET THE TWINS OUT! SO DON’T FUCKIN’ GIVE ME DEATH LOOKS FOR OOGLING THE GOODIES YOU PUT ON DISPLAY! I mean, Good God, these chicks are the ones that put up myspace pics of themselves with their boobies all out and kissing their hot chick friends, but the world will just fucking implode if I happen to give a chick the ol’ “Terminator 2” Scan. In the immortal words of my friend Jay: Fuck that shit. You should be glad I’m staring at you, cuz them honkey ass crackers at #1 are calling you fat while you’re debating on whether or not to blow them in their Maximas.
Your Buddens Could of– I understand that, when talking on the internet, one doesn’t need impeccable grammar and spelling. Hell, I’m not even sure I spelled “Impeccable” right. There are, however, some mis-spellings that I just can’t…get…past.
1- “Buddens“. Guys, look. It’s B-U-D-D-E-N. There’s only one of him. Now, if you’re talking about his album, then you’re still missing the apostrophe. Here’s some help: “Joe Budden only released one album.” and “Budden’s album was called, “Joe Budden”. There ya go.
2-“Your”. This was covered once on an episode of “No Minorities Allowed”, er, “Friends”. YOUR is possessive. “Your copy of Budden’s album is in my car.” Now, if you mean to say “You are ___”, that is YOU’RE. “You’re gonna give me my copy of Budden’s album after I give you your copy of Kanye’s album, right?” There ya go. Another example: “YOU’RE happy because YOUR copy of Kanye’s album is dope, right?”.
3-“Should of”. Once again, an error that offends me on many levels. There is no such set of words as “Should of…” “Would of…” or “Could of…”. Stop. Writing. That. Now, “Should have”, “Would have”, and “Could Have”? Those actually exist! Examples- “I would have given you my copy of Budden’s album if your copy of Kanye’s album could have arrived today.” “Dang, it should have arrived today. You’re still gonna wanna borrow it, right?” There ya go.
Movie Catchphrases– I’m not really above using a good line from a movie. I tend to stick to the obscure ones (peep my usage of the word “Yamo”) that don’t really get played out. However, I am in the minority on this one. So, having said that, here is a brief history of movie catchphrases and impressions that need to die swift and horrible deaths:
1-Ace Ventura Pet Detective. In the beginning of my 9th grade year I couldn’t walk ten fucking feet without hearing some asshole, fresh off of the home video release of Jim Carrey’s starmaking role, yell out: “ALRIGHTY THEN!”. I should’ve knocked those fuckers down the stairs. The shit was cool when Jim Carrey did it. Nobody in the Brentwood Freshman Center was Jim flippin’ Carrey.
Others that needed to die: “Yummy!”, “Loo-hoo-za-her.”, and “There ya go, little fella.” *barf*
2-Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery. I have a special place of hatred in my heart for Mike Myers and his nightmarish creation, Austin Danger Powers. Like with #1, nobody saw this movie in the theater, but when it came out on cassette later on in 1997, early 1998, you couldn’t escape hearing those two words that made my blood boil and my eyes see nothing but white hot rage: “Yeah baby!”. Fuck “Yeah baby”. Fuck it right in it’s ass. Mike Myers isn’t even funny, but sure as shit, 300 kids in Brentwood High School needed, yearned, desired to imitate his annoying catchphrase throughout the school grounds. If Mike Myers is ever to be put in jail, I hope his cell has his catchphrases piped in over loudspeakers every day of his sentence.
Other Crimes Against Humor- “Do I make you horny?”, “I shagged her rotten!”, and “Oh behave”–and for using that last one in a song, I hope Jay-Z drops his wallet overboard a yacht, never to recover it.
3- Napoleon Dynamite. If you like this movie, please know that I want to hit you. Hard. With like, a rock. A big rock. I hate this movie, and for the life of me, I don’t think it’s possible for me to do enough drugs to think any of it is funny. Matter ‘fact, I’m convinced that nobody actually thinks it’s funny. Jon Heder bribed some critics to say it was hilarious, and then everybody just The Emperor’s New Clothes‘d in on it, and a “phenomenon” was born. Fuck that. Emperor Heder, you’re fuckin’ naked. Oh yeah, and nobody says “Gosh!” anymore and means it outside of Archie Comics. And btw? Archie > Napoleon.
Say This and Earn a Trip to Smacktown: “Idiot!”, “It’s a liger!” or whatever else… *barf*
4- Borat & His Long Ass Title. This is the other movie on the list that I actually liked…until the catchphrase trolls moved in under my Liking Borat Bridge. It’s not about hating something that’s popular, it’s about having a million unfunny motherfuckers spew this shit like they’re the only fucking ones doing it. Die. Die. Die. Die. So, that having been said, Fuck “Make sexy time” and everything else Sacha Baron Cohen said in this movie.
I Actually Stopped Talking To My Friend Jay For A Week For Saying: “High five!”, “Nice!”, and “Wawa wee wa!”
*exhales* Okay, that’s enough ranting for now. To goofy white folks, bad spellers/grammar-ers, and catchphrase whores, I say this to you: