MTV’s Biggest Nite of the Year Dissected into 60 Observations.
I do hope you guys appreciate this post. I wrote down all 60 points by sending text messages to myself.
That’s fucking dedication.
Yep, MTV threw it’s umpteenth Annual Video Music Awards celebration tonite. I tuned in cuz Kanye West and Fall Out Boy were performing. Here’s my take on it.
1- Britney Spears is still hot. F all the drama. She could still get it like nobody’s ever gotten it before. Plus, the new song is pretty good. (no homo on the whole post, you bastards).
2- Sarah Silverman is also hot, but also terribly annoying. She isn’t that funny in general, as that whole “pushing the envelope” style of comedy is bor-ing and played the heck out. ‘Matter fact, she’s the antithesis of what we try to do here at IATS. Luckily, she bombed.
3- Alicia Keys is hot.
4- Those fucking bastards screwed up the audio during the check in with Pete Wentz, lead singer of Fall Out Boy.
5- Eve & Nicole Jones (you try spelling “schertzensvingerhausenberg”) present the award for “Monster Single of the Year” aka “Payola’s late 2006 & Most of 2007 Juggernaut”. I was rooting for Fall Out Boy or T-Pain. Instead, Rihanna won. Blah.
6- First Check in with Kanye. I want a pair of the venetian blinds glasses! ‘The fuck? This better not be Kanye’s performance!
7- I hate Las Vegas. (I forget why I wrote that–ah well).
8- This is even less of an award show than most years. They’re not even trying anymore.
9- Why the fuck are MTVs commercial breaks so fucking long?
10- Akon. Ugh. The Yodeling Keebler Elf (c) NR Regs strikes again.
11- The Superbad cops! Alright! They were pretty funny. Best New Artist? I’m indifferent, but Carrie Underwood is hot.
12- Jennifer Hudson and Robin Thicke present the Quadruple Threat Award. Riiiight. I’m rooting for Kanye, but Justin is a good actor. I forgot who won this.. Ah well.
13- Fall Out Boy is playing! This better not be their performance!
14- It figures the one year I tune in the performances are all stupid and chopped up.
15- FOB trashes their instruments. Good.
16- FOB and Lil’ Wayne? Oh man… Please not together…
17- Commercial for “Sydney White”. I’d see this. Plus, Amanda Bynes could sooo get it.
18- I’m “Eh” on the Foo Fighters.
19- The award for “Earth Shattering Collabo”. Whoa! 50 Cent and Kanye West presenting together! Is it just me, or did they look aggy? I’m rooting for Beyonce and Shakira. Whoa, they won! They’re both way too hot for mortal eyes to handle. Beyonce looks good as always. The double sided tape is clinging to her boobies for dear life, as would I.
20- The Maroon 5 guy is singing now. I’m “eh” on him too, but I did enjoy his collabo with Kanye on “Heard ‘Em Say”, so there ya go.
21- Ugh. A tease for Chris Brown’s upcoming performance. Fuck Chris Brown. [||]
22- Is it just me, or does anyone else think this VMAs is Flop City?
23- T.I. is doing one of those “Party” type performances. I’m sure the suits that came up with this thought it was a good idea, but it doesn’t come across very well on TV. The live audience looks into it, so I guess that’s a bright spot.
24- Rosario Dawson is also hot. Anyone catch her rack in all it’s wonderfulness in “Alexander”? The movie was totally queer, but it’s worth it for her boobies.
25- And RosiDaw introduces Chris Brown. This kid is like 19 and his voice still hasn’t changed. Good dancer tho’, I gotta admit that. The table stuff was particularly cool.
26- And Rihanna joins Mr. Brown. I saw that coming. Hmm, that’s weird. Why not have them do the “Umbrella/Cinderella” remix? Heh, all that photogenic dancing….all them 2 are missing is actual singing talent.
27- ENOUGH WITH THE MICHAEL JACKSON STUFF ALREADY! We’ve seen that sooo many times. Motherfucking Chris Brown wasn’t even alive when “Thriller” came out!
28- Hayden Planetarium (aka the Cheerleader from “Heroes”) is on the get it list. (she’s legal!)
29- Fuck “Life of Ryan” and definitely motherfuck Soulja Boy. I hope those two both lose their keys.
30- The Superbad guys are back. Still funny!
31- Fuck “The Hills”.
32- The award for Best Male Artist, eh? Ugh.. A category featuring dudes that haven’t released albums yet this year, one dude who has 1 single out, and another one whose album came out over a year ago. I’m rooting for ‘Ye regardless. Justin wins, yet Timbo talks. Ugh, the back of his head gives me nightmares. 5 points for Justin’s “Play more videos!” edict.
33- I’m unimpressed with Cee Lo. Teaming him up with the Foo Fighters just increases my indifference.
34- What the fuck? “Flavor of Tila Tequila?” Oh man. It’s cool cuz there is the potential for girl-on-girl action, but Tila Tequila isn’t even hot! I curse the bored internet young kids who propelled this chick onto my TV. Joe Budden can’t release an album but this fuckin’ idiot gets a whole show??
35- 50 is performing “Ayo Technology”. I kinda like this song. I don’t kinda like how 50 Cent doesn’t come close to recreating the sound of his records during his live performances. I’m also sick of Justin’s beatboxing. Someone needs to tell him to stop.
36- Shia LeBeouf! Awesome! Mr. LadiesMan217 is in the building. I’m excited for a new Indiana Jones movie, even if I can’t remember exactly what the title was.
37- Shia is presenting “Female of the Year” or something. Beyonce, 2 annoying girls (Nelly Furtado and Fergie), one girl with one song out (Rihanna) and Amy Winehouse, who I couldn’t care less about (sorry!). I hope Bey takes this one. Alas, No. It’s Fergie,who isn’t there. I think Shia confused Ludacris with Will.I.Am. Ah well. Transformers was awesome.
38- Pamela Anderson. Okay, no real problem there. lol @ Tommy Lee whistling. WHOA! IT’S KANYE TIME! YES! Uh-Oh, I haven’t heard this song before. I’m debating on muting it. Okay, I didn’t mute it. Yes! THIS SONG IS AWESOME! I’m sincerely freaking out right now. 45 hours until I get to buy “Graduation”! WHOA! Is that motherfucking “PYT”? It is! Yes! This song is awesome. Fucking amazing. ‘Ye is unstoppable! Um, oh yeah, T-Pain was cool too.
39- FOB is back doing the “This ain’t a scene” remix with Lil’ Wayne (barf), Travis from Gym Class Heroes (who I can rap circles around), and some weed carrier for GCH. Ehh, Next!
40- Megan Fox? Ooooh. She’s hot. She’s intro-ing Timbaland. *sigh* and Timbo is in turn introducing LINKIN PARK? Cool! I didn’t know they were gonna be on! This is a pretty good performance. Mike and Chester bring the house down. Very cool.
41- The boys from “Entourage” are out. I’ve never seen that show but I’ve heard good things. They’re presenting the award for “Best Group”. If Fall Out Boy doesn’t win I’m gonna firebomb the MTV studios. Well, okay, they can lose to Linkin Park, but nobody the fuck else. FOB WINS! Pete Wentz is awesome, sorry Thor.
42- More Foo Fighters. I’m still indifferent, and the guy from System of a Down being there changes nothing about that.
43- Rihanna is performing and is being backed up by the omnipresent Fall Out Boy. Heh, Rihanna has the same hair as Pete Wentz.
44- Superbad guys are back and still funny. lol @ Kid Rock. I’d totally hook up with Lily Allen.
45- Nelly’s introducing someone? Okay. Ooh! It’s Alicia Keys! She’s still hot. I even like the song too. It’s kinda pretty. [||] Dang, Miss Keys is thick on the bottom, that’s niiice. ‘Bout time a real singer came on. lol @ Diddy and Tommy Lee acting like yahoos. This is the best vocal performance of the nite, maybe the best performance period.
46- Kanye & Common! Yes!
47- More FOB, who are always great. This show might be a clunker, but they keep putting my two reasons for even bothering to watch on camera, so whatever.
48- I like this Gym Class Heroes song. Whoa! Ne-Yo is helping FOB’s Patrick Stump on the hook! Sweet! Awesomeness finally shows up again at the VMAs.
49- Jamie Foxx and Jennifer Garner are presenting the “Best New Artist” award. Jennifer Garner is so hot it’s almost unfair. Wait– Kid Rock and Tommy Lee got into a fight? Over Pam, most likely. They should settle things down at Thunder Road! (that’s a “Grease” joke–step your obscure reference game up!) I’m indifferent about this award too. Gym Class Heroes wins, but J-Garner calls them Gym Class Fallout, which is accurate considering they’re signed to the label Pete Wentz owns and Patrick Stump sang the hook to their two big singles.
50- That’s funny, I’m at #50 and here’s 50 Cent performing his biggest song, “In Da Club”.
51- Man, this has been one huge clusterfuck of an award show.
52- Miss South Carolina? Ummm…Okay. I get it, it just wasn’t very funny.
53- Mary J’s coming out? Alright! I wonder if the “big star” they’ve been teasing is Eminem? Or Dr. Dre maybe leading into a 50 Cent performance? We’ll see!
54- Mary J. Blige is out. Gotta love Mary. Ahhh, yep, it’s Dr. Dre. “Dre always makes Real music?” Not lately, sorry! Is it just me, or does Mary seem a bit flustered? I wonder what kind of fuckery was going on that made her flub her lines and junk.
55- Andre Young is in the building! Daaang, when did Dr. Dre get so big? [||] Despite the “Detox” plug (I don’t think I really even care that much anymore, sad as it is to admit), I still like roly poly Dr. Dre better. Once again, No Homo on the whole post. Dre’s doing video of the year, eh? I’m rooting for Kanye, but I wouldn’t be mad if Justin won. “What goes around…” was a dope video, plus my girl Scarlett Johanssen was in it, and she’s 8 shades of boinkable. Ughhh, Rihanna again?? Oh man. That’s bullshit. Nice rack tho’!
56- Diddy is back and making fun of the Rock vs Lee bout. Yung Joc is useless, but Diddy’s BIG t-shirt is a nice touch.
57- Hopefully this is the last of the Foo Fighters.
58- Diddy, Nelly, Yung Joc, and…Dallas Austin? Oookay. Ah, they’re introducing the Timbaland Music Family to close the show. The Other Nelly (Furtado) is out. She’s annoying, a wannabe Madonna, and looks bad as a blonde. Her performance was okay. Steroid Ass Tim is on. I can’t stand him, but I do like “The Way I Are”. I’m actually looking forward to Justin to save this wretched closing number. Oh Man, Justin’s just “ehh” too! Plus, Chris Brown’s dancing was waaayyy better. Boo!
59-Ah, the big finish with that annoying “Give it to Me” song. I hate this song. I’m sick of 2006-2007 Timbaland’s style. I’ll admit that I like some of it, but we’re talking 3 projects, and like a dozen singles that are all done in the same style, that all sound sooo similar. No thank you.
60- All in all, this was probably the worst danged VMAs I’ve ever seen. I’m not even a hater like that, but this show was so danged lackluster that I sound like motherfucking Ashlee Crawford over here.
Anyway, that’s my recap. I think my recap is better than the actual show, but I’m biased.
Thanks for tuning in. Next year I’m just gonna go to bed early.