Happy Fuck Day, Ass Mouth.

The Stifmeister

An It Ain’t That Serious Look at the Best in Cinematic Profanity

So I’m sitting at home, fresh off of cleaning the house with Graduation blaring thru the surround sound speakers, and I decided to put in a movie.

My original goal was to watch the American Pie” trilogy. Alas, I was unable to, because upon opening up my AP 3-Pack (under $25 at best buy–holla!) I discovered that my copy of “American Pie 1” was missing.

With the trilogy plan shot to heck, I decided to watch part 3 instead of part 2, because part 2 makes me wanna party and see bi/lesbian hot chicks go at it–and neither of those desires are going to be met anytime soon–so I figured let me just watch “American Wedding” and avoid the frustration.

Upon finishing “A.W.” I realized that Steve Stifler is a great cusser, and I hope I’m able to as much of a profane genius as he is. Therefore, I’ve decided to catalogue my favorite moments in cinematic cursing for ya’ll. Enjoy.

From Dusk ‘Till Dawn- I credit this film for making me fall in love with the “F” bomb. “Fuck” is indeed my favorite word because of it’s impact and versatility. “From Dusk ‘Till Dawn” features the man himself, George Clooney, as ‘Seth Gecko’, a bank robber who rescues his brother ‘Richie’ (played by Quentin Tarantino) from jail, takes a family hostage to get across the border, and then ends up in a biker bar that just happens to be a hideout for vampires. Awesomeness ensues. G dot Clooney drops “F” bombs all over the place, but my favorite one is at the very end of the movie, when someone asks what they hell happened inside the biker bar/vampire.

The Cussin’ Highlight–
Cheech- “What happened? Were they psychos or something?”
George/Seth- “Psychos? Is that what you thought they were? Psychos? Psychos do not explode when sunlight hits them! I don’t give a fuck how crazy they are!”

Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy- This, along with many other movies on Will Ferrell’s resume is oft quoted by my fellow NahRight-ers. (Icon, Phuque). WillFerr is on his A-Game in this whole movie, backed by a stellar cast, including several members of Judd Apatow’s All Star Team–Steve Carrell, Paul Rudd, Seth Rogan (the camera man at the end of the movie in the zoo). Ron Burgandy himself isn’t that funny, but the rest of his crew is hilarious. Plus, who can forget about the Epic FratPack Cameo Fest that was the News-Team Rumble. Anyhoo, Thanks to his “Smelly Pirate Hooker” of an Ex (played by Kelly Bundy), Ron’s weakness as an anchor–he’ll read anything the teleprompter has written on it–is exploited.

The Cussin’ Highlight–
Ron Burgandy- “Go fuck yourselves, San Diego.”

The Die Hard Trilogy + 1- I shouldn’t have to even go into detail, but I will for people who are woefully ignorant about awesome movies. Bruce Willis plays ‘John McClain’, a “dumb irish flatfoot” who for some reason keeps finding himself getting shot at by terrorists and junk. He manages to thwart the villains and crack a ton of great one-liners, but none is more famous than the one he says whenever he disposes of the main Villain.

The Cussin’ Highlight —
John McClain- (say it with me!) “Yippee Kay Aye, motherfucker!”

Fear of a Black Hat- For some reason, people put “CB4” over this movie, which is a fuckin’ shame of all shames. Words cannot express how much better–how much more accurate of a satire–“Fear of a Black Hat” is than Chris Rock’s own “Hip-Hop Spinal Tap”. The movie takes place in post-Rodney King Riots L.A., and is a mock-umentary (look it up, XFacta) about a fictional rap group called “N.W.H.” or “Niggaz Wit’ Hats”. Songs featured in the film include, “Booty Juice”, “Fuck the Security Guard”, “Come and Pet the P.U.S.S.Y.”, and “Granny Said Kick Yo’ Black Ass”, profanity abounds–as does pure and total hilarity.  If you haven’t seen this one, you’re not hip-hop.

The Cussin’ Highlight–
Nina Blackburn: So, guys, what’s the deal with the hats?
Ice Cold: That’s what NWH is all about. We got a whole hat philosophy, you know what I’m saying? I mean, see, back in the days when there was slaves and stuff, they would work in the hot sun all day, you know, with the sun beating down them. Hatless. I mean, not even a babushka.
Tone Def: Word. Heads totally exposed to the sun.
Ice Cold: You know, so by the time they got back to the plantation from being in all the heat, they was too tired to rebel against their masters, right? So what we saying with Niggaz With Hats is, “Yo, we got some hats now, muh-fuckers.”

South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut- [||] Matt Stone and Trey Parker’s feature length movie about those 4 pottymouthed elementary school kids from Colorado was, until “Not Another Teen Movie” came out, the funniest dang film I have ever seen. I enjoyed the satire, I enjoyed the random “Brian Boitano” references, Uncle Fucka, The Mole–and of course–“Operation Get Behind the Darkies”. The boys get in trouble for using language seen in the ‘Terrance and Philip’ movie, “Asses of Fire”, and inadvertantly start a war with Canada–and luring into the earth realm, Satan and his boyfriend, Saddam Hussein. Yeah. Anyway, this movie was hilarious.

The Cussin’ Highlight–
Chorus: [singing] Shut your fucking face, Uncle Fucker. You’re a boner biting bastard, Uncle Fucker.
Terrence: You’re an uncle fucker, I must say.
Phillip: Well you fucked your uncle yesterday.
Terrance, Phillip: Uncle Fucker. That’s U-N-C-L-E FUCK YOU! UNCLE FUCKAAAAHH…
Phillip: Suck my balls.

The 40 Year Old Virgin- 2005’s big comedic showdown was between this movie–Steve Carrell’s breakout role and the beginning of Judd Apatow and Seth Rogan’s hollywood takeover–and “Wedding Crashers”, a film in which no weddings were crashed after 20 minutes into the film. Frankly, if it wasn’t for Vince Vaughn at his Vince Vaughnian best, this would’ve been the “Puff Daddy’s Forever” of Frat Pack movies. But I digress. The 40 Year Old Virgin was as sweet as it was raunchy. A classic comedy filled with more one-liners than Lindsay Lohan in the ladies room of Trendy LA Nightclub, it showed an unusual amount of depth for what was basically a grown-ass version of a 1 man production of American Pie, with Steve Carrell’s ‘Andy’ filling in for Jason Biggs’ ‘Jim’. There are beautiful moments of obscene humor throughout the film, but one scene in particular cracked me up like Pookie in the 2nd reel of “New Jack City”.

The Cussin’ Highlight–
Andy (about telling Trish that he’s a virgin)-What if she laughs at me, though?
Cal-Then you punch her in the fucking head if she laughs.
Andy-I’m not going to punch her in the head. She’s really sweet.
Cal-No. I mean, you punch her in her fucking head emotionally.

The American Pie Trilogy- I already explained the first movie in my last post, but in the interest of time (I’m writing this after I already signed off on it at the bottom cuz I forgot I wanted to include this series), I’ll just get straight to the point. Seann William Scott’s ‘Stifler’ character had all the good quotes in all 3 movies. His vulgarity and crudeness was hysterical, and he was the main reason “American Wedding” was good instead of average. So, here we go with his best profane moments from each film in the series.

The Stifler Cussin’ Highlights–
American Pie- “Here’s an idea, how about you guys locate your dicks, remove the shrink-wrap, and fucking use them!”

American Pie 2- “You stay the fuck away from that ficus. That is a jizz-free ficus.”

American Wedding- “I’m special, you’re special, we’re all just a bunch of special fuckers.” AND “I’m gonna hang out with my wang out…and I’m gonna rock out with my cock out! That’s what I’m talkin’ about!”

Pulp Fiction- I may have spoken too soon when I said “From Dusk ‘Till Dawn” made me fall in love with the “F” Bomb. In reality, it was equal parts that movie, “Fear of a Black Hat”, and this film, Quentin Tarantino’s undisputed (unless you’re a hater–at which point I’d advise you to re-read the name of my blog) classic. Normally I’d go into the plot, but I write novels on this thing just in the ol’ italic introduction paragraph, so I’ll skip it. If you haven’t seen this movie, you need to. Plain and Simple. Samuel L. Jackson steals the whole movie with his most famous role to date (yes, even more famous than playing the robber in “Coming to America” and ‘Dr. ray Arnold’ in “Jurassic Park”), playing the philosophical hitman, ‘Jules Winfield’. Jules uses the word “Fuck” in every possible combination. So, to end this particular post, I’m going to go with my favorite Samuel L. Jackson F-Bombs from “Pulp Fiction”.

The Cussin’ Highlight–

1- “Say ‘what again’! Say ‘what’ again! I dare you! I double dare you, motherfucker! Say ‘what’ one more g-d time!”

2- “Well, I’m a mushroom-cloud-layin’ motherfucker, motherfucker! Every time my fingers touch brain, I’m Superfly T.N.T., I’m the Guns of the Navarone! IN FACT, WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOIN’ IN THE BACK? YOU’RE THE MOTHERFUCKER WHO SHOULD BE ON BRAIN DETAIL! We’re fuckin’ switchin’! I’m washin’ the windows, and you’re pickin’ up this nigga’s skull!”

3- “Yes you did. Yes you did, Brett. You tried to fuck him. And Marcellus Wallace don’t like to be fucked by anybody, except Mrs. Wallace.”

4- Jules: I want you to go in that bag, and find my wallet.
Pumpkin: Which one is it?
Jules: It’s the one that says Bad Motherfucker

***

Call Reynolds, cuz it’s a Wrap.

Well, there ya have it. Those are my picks for the best cussin’ moments in film history. I’m sure there are other movies where there is more cussin’, but I feel comfortable rocking with these.

Oh, and for everyone who wants to bring up all the cussin’ in “Scarface”, allow me to say this: The movie sucked. It did. Yeah, I know–“Something from Nothing”, but you know what? That stupid motherfucker killed his best friend, got his sister killed, and then got shot up at the height of his own “Say Hello to my Little Friend!” arrogance. If you wannabe douchebags out there wanna be like Tony Montana and make a shitload of money and die at fuckin’ 35, you go right ahead. The movie was awful–awesomely bad at it’s very best–and having a cast full of crackers playing Cubans and other assorted Latinos is practically blackface, so put that in your Ether pipe and smoke it.

~~El Fin~~

–RTH

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18 Responses to “Happy Fuck Day, Ass Mouth.”

  1. State of Grace Says:

    What up Rey? You don’t say goddamn? Good post, although my favourite part of the “what” speech is curse-free: “What ain’t no country I ever heard of, they speak English in What?!”

  2. EnglandRepresent Says:

    Think I need to see Fear of a Black Hat. I’m not hip-hop.

  3. reythehussein Says:

    Son. Of. A. Bitch. Fuckin’ thing ate my OWN DANGED COMMENT! Ughhh..

    Anyway, thanks to both of you for checking in.

  4. thoreauly77 Says:

    its cool engrep, if youve seen “sexy beast” youre way ahead of the hiphop game.

  5. cMac Says:

    mmm curse words

  6. Belize Says:

    SNATCH BITCH!!!!!!

  7. Phuque Says:

    1. Ron Burgundy was hilarious

    2. Vince Vaughn is a genious

    3. Steve Carrell is overrated, and will soon be typecast

    Good post pimp.

  8. State of Grace Says:

    1. Ron Burgundy was hilarious

    ^^Was on tv last night, I caught the ending. Classic. I also love the inclusion of a Burt Reynolds “Bandit” outtake during the credits. “No, keep rolling, this is good stuff”

  9. reythehussein Says:

    @ Phuque– I agree with the first two, but I don’t think S dot Carrell is overrated a’tall. “Get Smart” looks funny already, just off the teaser trailer.

  10. Phuque Says:

    >>“Get Smart” looks funny already, just off the teaser trailer.

    ^^

    I forgot about that one.

    You win this round, Reymundo…

  11. newjerseydrive Says:

    Phuque Says:
    September 17th, 2007 at 12:35 pm
    1. Ron Burgundy was hilarious

    …….co-sign he had 1 liners for days in that movie…” why don’t you go back to your home on whore island “…….

    2. Vince Vaughn is a genious

    this is also true

    3. Steve Carrell is overrated, and will soon be has already been typecast

    …..i do still think the office is hilarious but he gets annoying sometimes and it’s the writing thats still hilarious i’m defintely sick of the same character in every movie….

    other than the shots fired @ ron burgandy good shit rey

  12. EnglandRepresent Says:

    its cool engrep, if youve seen “sexy beast” youre way ahead of the hiphop game.

    ^^Not only have I seen Sexy Beast Thor but have met Ray Winstone the lead character (double hard bastard). His daughter Lois (extremely minky) is a mate of mine from London. Sexy Beast is amazing.

    But lets have it right shall we gents and Reymond :

    English Comedy >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> American Comedy.

    And on that note, new post please Rey Rey

  13. reythehussein Says:

    Hmm.. Coupling > Scrubs > Everything else from either country.

  14. green eyes Says:

    # EnglandRepresent Says:
    September 16th, 2007 at 8:29 pm

    Think I need to see Fear of a Black Hat. I’m not hip-hop.

    ^ me too. lets make it a block buster night.

    pulp fiction = brilliance

  15. reythehussein Says:

    Aww, a love connection!

    Cosign–Pulp Fiction is awesome.

  16. benhameen Says:

    I havent been fucked like that since grade school-helena bonham in Fight Club.

    and samuels best line without cursing-Look at the big brain on Brad….

  17. Health Medicine : Says:

    just the mere look of Chris Rock would give you laughs already ‘

  18. Akkuschrauber Says:

    Akkuschrauber…

    […]Happy Fuck Day, Ass Mouth. « It ain’t that serious[…]…

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