Rey = “Dave”.
This is a simulcast blog I also posted on my personal MySpace page.
This is a very Emo blog. Light on jokes, heavy on TMI Stuff that my casual fans’n’friends from the blog-o-sphere (what a dumb name) might wanna skip. However, if you’re curious as to how I’m doing out-of-character, you might wanna check this out.
Any attempts at “ethering” me with any of this information will be ignored. I’m putting this up to get feedback and advice from people who might have a different perspective than my normal circle of advisers, not to tolerate assholes.
If you can handle all that, by all means, continue on.
–The Editor-in-Chief of It Ain’t That Serious
Fall Out Boy Doesn’t Do Mushy Lyrics
Current mood: okay
Category: Romance and Relationships
But I still wanna write an Emo blog, so here we go.
It’s Sunday nite/Monday morning. I’ve got the Yahoo! Love Songs channel on, and I’m feeling a bit Reflective. (Lionel Richie and Diana Ross are launching into “Endless Love”– Luther & Mariah’s version > This version)
Hopefully I can keep this one sweet and romantic instead of bitter or depressing. Either way, it’ll give my 12 faithful commenters and my 100 useless lurkers something to read on their next check of this MySpace thing.
Breathe With Me.
There are times when I feel silly for “carrying more torches than the villagers on their way to Castle Frankenstein” (© Chris Turk), but when I stop to think about it, it’s not really that silly.
Heck, superficially, it’s just me saying, “Okay ladies.. I know you might’ve dumped me and moved on, but I’m totally willing to give you another shot any time you wanna admit how wrong you were and how devestated you are over the break up.”
But, less superficially, it’s me being completely and totally shamelessly desperate to be in anything resolving a real live relationship.
Even less superficially than that, it’s more like the “wanna be in a relationship” thing, coupled with the hope that maybe someone who once liked me “in that way” will see some kind of spark and once again take a liking to me.
(Shania Twain’s “Still The One” is on now).
Sometimes I do feel silly for daydreaming about Mega-Happy Endings (no post-massage jokes, please) and 2nd Chances, but some days it’s little thoughts like that what make me smile.
Sure, it’s silly that I’ve officially been mourning a relationship that’s been over twice as long as it went on for, but when I think about it, is it really?
I was discussing it with DTMJ the other day, about how I hate that all of my relationship stories and all of the advice I have given are from a relationship that was over over half a decade ago. In a lot of ways I feel like “Dave” from “The 40 Year Old Virgin”, and how he was still telling “Amy” stories based off a 2 months-long relationship that ended 2 years prior.
I’m still telling stories about my “Amy” 6 years later, after 3.5 years together. I’m still giving advice or at least trying to relate to my friend’s relationship dilemmas based on my “Amy”. And, yes, there are still some days that I miss my “Amy”, even tho’ those days are very few and far between nowadays…days.
(Peter Cetera and Amy Grant–I think–“Next Time I Fall In Love It’ll Be With Yooouuu”)
The thing is… “Amy” is the last girl I was with that I trusted completely and totally. Sure, I was a sucker for some bad ideas and maybe I threw them the keys to the Reyboy Mansion, only to have them dump said keys in the mailbox with a “Dear RTH” letter, but that doesn’t necessary mean I trusted them.
No, No.. “Amy” was the last girl I really trusted with my heart. She was the last girl I was with that I believed actually cared about me, and kept doing things that showed she did, in fact, care for me. So, given that, I think you can see why I might have the occasional relapse, or maybe even get a little down reminiscing, or why I’ve been looking for my next her this whole time.
“But Uncle The Hussein, you dated a lot of girls, and freaked out over a lot of girls, is ‘Amy’ really the last one you trusted or are you just saying that?”
No, she’s the last one I trusted. “L”, “B”, “A”, “J”, A2″, and “M”–all girls I dated/hung out with–all had their own motives and goals with me. I was either the “Next In Line For Her Insane Streak Of Long Term Relationships (“L”), or “The Guy Who Was Real Sweet But Couldn’t Handle Just Being A Hook-Up At A Time When All I Did Was The Hook-Up Thing” (“B”), or “The Guy Who Was The Exact Opposite Of My Last Boyfriend And Even Though Rey Totally Built Up My Self Esteem He Ultimately Wanted Things To Be Way More Serious Than I Did Cuz Dammit I Wanna Be Single And Have Fun”(“A”), or “The Guy Who’s A Bit More Mellow Than I’m Used To Who Maybe I Should Give A Fair Shot To But Ultimately I Won’t Because I’ve Got Other Shit On My Mind So Maybe He Should Just Take The Hint”(“J”), or “This Guy Is Awesome And Popular And I Love The Idea Of Hanging Out With A Big Deal Despite My Status As A Fucking Idiot”(“A2”), or “The Kind Of Guy I Should Have Dated From The Start Instead Of My Pothead Loser Boyfriend Who Might Have Knocked Me Up Even Though There Is At Least The Scientific Probability That It Might Be Rey’s, But Hey, That’s Enough To Go On And Ruin Rey’s Life With And Then Look At Him And Genuinely Wonder What His Problem Is Cuz Hey, My Bad About The Kid.”(“M”)
(in the time it took me to type that, Brian Adams sang, “Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman”, and now Phil Collins is singing “One More Night”)
So yeah.. That’s what I was to them chicks, the girls since “Amy”. I’m sure “Amy” has her fair share of close calls and “Fuck was I thinking??” moments, but *shrug* Dang if I know what they are.
Nopers, “Amy” was in it just to see me happy, and because I made her happy. No ulterior motives. No psychological issues. No crazy theatrics, No Drama. She never lied, She never put me down, She never did anything but love me, which (and this is tough to say) hasn’t really happened since then.
So yeah, on nites like tonite I feel really silly and really stupid for writing something like this–especially seeing as how I recently found out that she checks in on me via this thing from time to time.
I feel foolish, but I still say that it’s not completely and totally outta left field. The fact is, for as much as I claim (brag) to have the “high score” when it comes to her, her initials are still at the very top of this particular video game.
In time a new “Amy” will emerge, one better for me, one who I will be better for, but that time hasn’t arrived just yet. (*sigh* Richard Marx is playing the piano for “Right here waiting for you”–Yahoo! Love Songs thinks it’s sooo funny).
I take solace in reading the occasional survery from her that asks, “Have you ever been in love?”–and she says “Yes”, and my heart skips a little beat, because I go, “Hey! That’s me!”. She could just as easily put, “I thought so once, but I was wrong”, or “Not in love, No..”. She says “Yes” and it makes me smile because it reminds me that, at one point in time…
…I was someone that could make someone fall in love with them.
It reminds me that, at one point, Love would come in and cut thru all the bullshit noise in my head and in that pain and confusion inside me and make me feel good about myself and about the world.
The bottomest of bottom lines, kids, is that Yes, I feel silly still talking about her and about the old “us” after all these years, but until someone comes along and tops her million points, I’m always gonna see her initials when that screen comes up.
(Hmm.. Bon Jovi is singing “Always” now)
and Yeah, to tell the story the right way, I fucked up so epically in that relationship that maybe Karma is doing the Ivan Drago on my love life–I cheated and once or twice I lost my temper and yelled (never like, cussing her out or anything along those lines–mostly just frustrated), and ultimately she didn’t really deserve someone with as much conflict and outside fuckery as I unfortunately brought to her.
But in here, at almost 20 ’til 3 in the morning, I wish she knew how much I appreciated her, and how much I still do, and how much more amazing she is to me now, even after all these years…
…and how the biggest testament to her legacy and her impact is the fact that nobody else has even come close to being everything she was in my life.
So yeah, that’s what was on my mind. I’d like to think I’m done typing shit like this, but who knows if I am? Fact is, it’s 10 minutes ’til 3 in the morning and I’ve got nobody to talk to and this is me thinking outloud about my “Amy”, the last girl I trusted, the last girl who accepted the gift of my heart, burdens and all.
You don’t forget a girl like that, because how do you forget in 6 years someone who was supposed to be your Forever?
Hope springs eternal, even in fall.
To New Beginnings,
PS–Last song playing is mentioned up thar with my mood. God thinks He’s soooo funny.
And because I fancy this a blog from a Hip-Hop fan’s perspective, here’s some rap related stuff for ya: I like that new Lupe song Eskay posted earlier today. (http://www.nahright.com).