An Extremely Wacked-Out Proposal


Uncle The Hussein Levels the Playing Field

I wrote this back in 2000, the last semester I ever attended College. It was a creative writing assignment that, In my opinion, I hit out of the fucking park.

It’s a take-off on Jonathan Swift’s, A Modest Proposal, an essay which you can peep here:

Anyway, I’m pretty proud of it, but I’m also saddened because the problem I discuss is just as prevalent today as it was 7 years ago when I first wrote this.


The problem of violence in the schools is at an all time high. From the Columbine Massacre to incidents of sixth graders bringing handguns to school, America’s students are under seige.

The columbine incident was when two students brought a small arsenal to their high school in Littleton, Colorado. The two gunmen walked into the cafeteria and opened fire. Students and teachers were gunned down for no other reason than the fact that they were there. The two spared their friends and blasted those who the two felt were mean to them or had embarrassed them. If my proposal was set in place the incident wouldn’t have reached that fevered pitch.

The problem is that only one side had weapons. If the entire school was packing heat the problem would have been nixed all along. My proposal is to arm the students of America.

Students wouldn’t be given weapons until they were in second grade. Teachers at the kindergarten and first grade levels would be armed with fully automatic weapons and would be charged with the safety of their students. Faculty would wear full body armor at all times because chances are, the teachers are gonna be the first to go. Besides, the students with good aim and quick reflexes will still need someone to teach them.

At grades two to 6 students would only be allowed to carry small caliber handguns. Twenty two caliber pistols would be the norm and due to the low caliber the odds of a student pulling through are greater. If little Jimmy wants to drill Suzy for stealing his crayons the .22 caliber pistols would be great for dueling and would have very little kickback. This way Jimmy wouldn’t have to worry about the recoil and accidentally hitting a kid he liked.

At about the 7th grade any students who survived elementary schools would be upgraded to semiautomatic weapons. Short, bursting guns. An uzi for example. The awkward, herky-jerky stages of puberty would only hurt the students aim. With an uzi all the student would have to do is spray the area. Innocents would be killed of course, but the war for education is a costly one.

Eighth grade would be a turning point for students. They would take classes like Home Ec. and Shop, but they’d also be given powerful rifles and shotguns. by that point the young person would gain their coordination back and muscle mass would come into play. The blast from a double barreled shotgun will stop any discussion about who’s sneakers are better.

Grades nine and ten would be allowed to use fully automatic weaponry. M-16’s, assault rifles, and the “rappers delight”, an AK-47. The monotony of high school life would be cut down tremendously if you had to worry about a full scale assault the second you got off the bus. The battle might not be long, but at least a lot of innocent people would die.

If there was anyone left to see their junior or senior year in high school they would be treated to more experienced, skill oriented weaponry. C-4 explosives, plastique, land mines, and grenades would all be a staple of high school. For the honor students, they would get everyone’s favorite, a flame thrower. Imagine the look on Harold’s face as he toasts Becky for beating him up in 1st grade when he wasn’t allowed a weapon.

Relationships would be short at best. The “Romeo and Juliet” type couples parents wouldn’t be so surprised when their kids committed suicide due to parental opposition to their burgeoning romance. You figure there’s at least three of four couples a week who would kill themselves for their love.

I supposed there would be some sort of opposition to my plan, but what else is there to do? Actually encourage parents to love and nurture their children? Start counseling programs in schools? Set up metal detectors? Hell no! Why should we admit there’s a problem? Why should the parents and taxpayers have to foot the bill of a simple device like a metal detector? I mean, sure, a couple of lives would be saved, but my plan levels the playing field.

Klebold and Harris, the wackos of Columbine would have a hell of a fight on their hands if my plan was instituted. The distribution of munitions would not only even things up but would also act as a great deterrent to errant teens looking to take a shot at the Captain of the football team who made fun of their “Star Trek” back packs or the cute cheerleader who denied their request for a date. When Benjamin pulled out his .45 on Biff, the captain of the football team wouldn’t be in danger. He’d have every opportunity to gun down his attacker.

So you see that my plan, despite it’s one or two flaws, is a perfect solution. It would not only make school more exciting but it would also add more respect to a high school diploma. In my day, English, Math, Foreign Languages, and Science were the staples of an education. Now field dressing, weapon stripping, and ducking are the requirements for high school success. The three R’s of education used to be “Reading, Writing, and ‘Rithmatic.” Now they’re “Rifle, Reload, and Run.”


Call Reynolds, Cuz it’s a Wrap.

There ya go. Feel free to share thoughts and opinions, comments and criticisms, or links to pictures of Scarlett Jo getting it on with Anne Hathaway.


17 Responses to “An Extremely Wacked-Out Proposal”

  1. lurker aka maddhatter Says:

    yo i didnt even read this cuz of my agrressive ignorance, but first!

  2. Da partyStarter Says:

    I think some of the schools in the Philly area co-opted your plan with minor adjstments…

  3. landLORD Says:

    *blank stare*

  4. landLORD Says:

    Rey said

    Call Reynolds, Cuz it’s a Wrap.


    … smh … step your wrap game up …

  5. cMac Says:

    this is too crazy, I was gonna post something JUST LIKE THIS today, but thought I’d keep it peaceful on Monday. I don’t get how that keeps happening to me. Wait and see tomorrow’s post. It’s right along the same lines.

  6. Phuque Says:

    *cancel every scheduled task for the next week*

    *starts reading*

  7. reythehussein Says:

    lol @ Lurker.. Good job, reading is wiggety wiggety wack.

    @ DPS– I’m planning a trip to Philly in February. Your comment gives me the jibblies. [||]

    @ Morph– Sound it out, amigo. Sound it out.

    @ cMac– I had the idea of posting this last nite.. Kinda bugged me out when I read your post about being fed up with the school shooting stuff. Great minds…

    @ Phuque– Yo pappy, Sucka.

  8. EnglandRepresent Says:

    This is some dark shit Reymundo but it rings true. The same thing is happening in the UK’s schools. How do you stop the violence? Change the gun laws? Place manufacturing restrictions on the gun makers? Some shit needs to change cos school is no longer a safe place to be at.

    Good post bruh.

  9. Big Homie Says:

    Damn this post is crazy. Props on the post.

    Got some new tracks over at my side of the world

  10. T DOT Says:

    I swear one of the R’s was gonna be Ritalin. LOL

    This post is almost all the way out there, but amazing nonetheless.

  11. reythehussein Says:

    @ EngRep– I didn’t know it was that bad across the pond. That sucks tho’. I blame the parents, I seriously do.. The kids share the blame equally, but how can parents let such indifference to human life fester? I honestly think it’s cuz the parents of high schoolers now are too into maintaining their youth–botox, collagen, viagra, hair dye–and on a subconscious level they don’t want to come down on their children [||] for fear of having their kids dislike them, or for fear of appearing too old and heavy-handed the way their parents were. I’m a thru-and-thru Papa’s boy, but my father done raised me and my brother right. However, Congress/Parliament saying: RAISE YOUR FUCKING KIDS CORRECTLY isn’t as flashy of a headline as RAP DESTROYS YOUTH! VIDEO GAMES INSPIRE THE YOUNG TO KILL! Assholes.

    @ BH- Thank potna, I’m making my way over to yo’ casa in a minute.

    @ T Dot– Heh.. Na, altho’ I think ritalin is just another tool in the arsenal of lazy parents. As for the “out there”ness.. It’s really supposed to be out there. I would love for some news outlet to somehow land on this just so I can get on tv or in print and tell the friggin’ truth about shit like this.

    Thanks to all for checking in!

  12. Jamz Says:

    It’s sad, but I don’t think there is a realistic answer to stopping violence in schools. There are just too many variables to consider when trying to get a handle on the problem.

  13. reythehussein Says:

    I agree.. this is probably going to lead to another “Fuck is wrong with Society today?” post, but I’m gonna wait for that. I wanna let this one breathe.

  14. green eyes Says:


  15. pockets Says:

    The problem is that only one side had weapons. If the entire school was packing heat the problem would have been nixed all along. My proposal is to arm the students of America.

    ^not only do i agree, but i actually think that all airplane passengers should be armed. im being serious, its the ultimate deterrant to hijackings. this is some schitt more ppl should listen to.

  16. pockets Says:

    yo rey wat u been up to? working hard or hardly working i.e. no job…r u writing that screenplay that u were talking about writing

  17. reythehussein Says:

    Thank you, Greenita. *bows*

    @ 2Pock– Not all airplane passengers, but definitely a skymarshall or 2.. Some big C.O. fuckers that won’t take any shit like they had in Con Air. As for arming the general public, I don’t think that’ll work either. Americans are too used to cops and robbers or Matrix-esque movies, m’fuggers would be shooting left and right.

    As for me.. I was upstate for a week chillin’ with some friends.. I went over some music stuff for my third album on Sunday. The screenplay is working it’s way to the front lines. I just gotta crack it open again and get back to it.

    Employment-wise, I haven’t been doing much–just enjoying my time off. What’s new with you, kiiiid?

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