Uncle The Hussein Levels the Playing Field
I wrote this back in 2000, the last semester I ever attended College. It was a creative writing assignment that, In my opinion, I hit out of the fucking park.
It’s a take-off on Jonathan Swift’s, A Modest Proposal, an essay which you can peep here: http://art-bin.com/art/omodest.html
Anyway, I’m pretty proud of it, but I’m also saddened because the problem I discuss is just as prevalent today as it was 7 years ago when I first wrote this.
The problem of violence in the schools is at an all time high. From the Columbine Massacre to incidents of sixth graders bringing handguns to school, America’s students are under seige.
The columbine incident was when two students brought a small arsenal to their high school in Littleton, Colorado. The two gunmen walked into the cafeteria and opened fire. Students and teachers were gunned down for no other reason than the fact that they were there. The two spared their friends and blasted those who the two felt were mean to them or had embarrassed them. If my proposal was set in place the incident wouldn’t have reached that fevered pitch.
The problem is that only one side had weapons. If the entire school was packing heat the problem would have been nixed all along. My proposal is to arm the students of America.
Students wouldn’t be given weapons until they were in second grade. Teachers at the kindergarten and first grade levels would be armed with fully automatic weapons and would be charged with the safety of their students. Faculty would wear full body armor at all times because chances are, the teachers are gonna be the first to go. Besides, the students with good aim and quick reflexes will still need someone to teach them.
At grades two to 6 students would only be allowed to carry small caliber handguns. Twenty two caliber pistols would be the norm and due to the low caliber the odds of a student pulling through are greater. If little Jimmy wants to drill Suzy for stealing his crayons the .22 caliber pistols would be great for dueling and would have very little kickback. This way Jimmy wouldn’t have to worry about the recoil and accidentally hitting a kid he liked.
At about the 7th grade any students who survived elementary schools would be upgraded to semiautomatic weapons. Short, bursting guns. An uzi for example. The awkward, herky-jerky stages of puberty would only hurt the students aim. With an uzi all the student would have to do is spray the area. Innocents would be killed of course, but the war for education is a costly one.
Eighth grade would be a turning point for students. They would take classes like Home Ec. and Shop, but they’d also be given powerful rifles and shotguns. by that point the young person would gain their coordination back and muscle mass would come into play. The blast from a double barreled shotgun will stop any discussion about who’s sneakers are better.
Grades nine and ten would be allowed to use fully automatic weaponry. M-16’s, assault rifles, and the “rappers delight”, an AK-47. The monotony of high school life would be cut down tremendously if you had to worry about a full scale assault the second you got off the bus. The battle might not be long, but at least a lot of innocent people would die.
If there was anyone left to see their junior or senior year in high school they would be treated to more experienced, skill oriented weaponry. C-4 explosives, plastique, land mines, and grenades would all be a staple of high school. For the honor students, they would get everyone’s favorite, a flame thrower. Imagine the look on Harold’s face as he toasts Becky for beating him up in 1st grade when he wasn’t allowed a weapon.
Relationships would be short at best. The “Romeo and Juliet” type couples parents wouldn’t be so surprised when their kids committed suicide due to parental opposition to their burgeoning romance. You figure there’s at least three of four couples a week who would kill themselves for their love.
I supposed there would be some sort of opposition to my plan, but what else is there to do? Actually encourage parents to love and nurture their children? Start counseling programs in schools? Set up metal detectors? Hell no! Why should we admit there’s a problem? Why should the parents and taxpayers have to foot the bill of a simple device like a metal detector? I mean, sure, a couple of lives would be saved, but my plan levels the playing field.
Klebold and Harris, the wackos of Columbine would have a hell of a fight on their hands if my plan was instituted. The distribution of munitions would not only even things up but would also act as a great deterrent to errant teens looking to take a shot at the Captain of the football team who made fun of their “Star Trek” back packs or the cute cheerleader who denied their request for a date. When Benjamin pulled out his .45 on Biff, the captain of the football team wouldn’t be in danger. He’d have every opportunity to gun down his attacker.
So you see that my plan, despite it’s one or two flaws, is a perfect solution. It would not only make school more exciting but it would also add more respect to a high school diploma. In my day, English, Math, Foreign Languages, and Science were the staples of an education. Now field dressing, weapon stripping, and ducking are the requirements for high school success. The three R’s of education used to be “Reading, Writing, and ‘Rithmatic.” Now they’re “Rifle, Reload, and Run.”
Call Reynolds, Cuz it’s a Wrap.
There ya go. Feel free to share thoughts and opinions, comments and criticisms, or links to pictures of Scarlett Jo getting it on with Anne Hathaway.