Aaaaannnnd…You’re Done 3: Revenge of A…YD!

screaming perry

You’ve crossed the line, Jennifer….and now you will pay.

It’s been a while since I’ve done one of these, so this should be fun.

Also: Scrubs is on Thursday nights @ 9:30pm on NBC. Watch it!

I have a special place in the Annoyance Hall of Fame for a today’s list of A…YD subjects. They’ve all annoyed me, or at least puzzled me, for quite some time. Coming up first is:

300: The Movie- I know what you’re all thinking: “What? 300 was awesome! What are you talking about, Uncle The Hussein?” I’ll tell you exactly what I’m talking about.

300 = Gay Propaganda Porn.

Yeah, I said it. That movie was Gay Propaganda Porn. Think about it: All those big sweaty mens packed tight together in that little cave, all booty-to-batons from front to back. Sure, they had “shields”, but all that is is Trojan’s bit of subliminal advertising. “Attention Gay Men, Use a Trojan condom to shield your lil’ soldier.”

Then, to add to it, it’s scene after scene of big sweaty mans, almost butt-ass nekkid, shoving big, hard, pieces of steel into other men. Let me ask you this, “Ayo Police”, how did THAT get past your Detectives?? Gratuitous scenes of half nekkid men shoving ridgid objects into other men is super, duper gay. Oh, and yes, they did show some chicks boobs, but that was a shout-out to the butch lesbians in the audience.

The funniest part is that there are alot of thugged up dudes, or uber-mysoginist fanboy nerds that absolutely flipped shit over this movie. Yes sir, a lot of dudes that were quick to go “No Homo!” or “Bro, you’re a fag!” fell hook, line, unt sinker for a Homoerotic Festival of Closet Homosexuality. I mean, this movie was almost as gay as Alexander, in which Jared Leto and Colin Farrell made googly eyes at each other for 2 hours and 59 minutes, broken up only by Rosario Dawson’s bare-chest.

…and you alllll fell for it.

Disclaimer- I am not gay, but I do have a ton of gay friends– Homophobia has never been a problem for me, as I really don’t care who’s screwing who 9 times outta 10.

Wolverine- “Aww, come on RTH! Wolverine’s a badass!” No. No, you blind bastards. Wolverine isn’t a bad ass. He’s motherfucking indestructable. I mean, seriously, he can heal himself from life-threatening injuries in mere seconds, his skeleton is coated in an metal impervious to damage, dings, or destruction and, oh yeah, he’s got foot long razor sharp claws made out of the same metal that come out of his friggin’ hands.

Tell me, Comic Book Fans of IATS, where is the suspense in that? You’re reading your 32 page comic. Oh no! Wolverine is in a fight! OH NO! He gets shot! 1 panel later, he’s all healed. 2 panels after that, he’s already cut up the bad guy what did the shooting.

Yeah, that sounds really *yawn* awesome.

Gimme SpiderMan, BatMan, Daredevil, The other X-Men.. real people that can be killed that have real problems and shit. Ol’ Wolverine (nee Logan) just walks around as the Badass of all Badasses (zZzZzZz) pretty much cuz he can’t be killed.

I guaran-the fuck-tee you that if Kanye West had an adamantium skeleton, a super-fast healing factor, and razor sharp claws, he’d talk way more shit about…pretty much anyone and everyone he dang well pleased.

Date Movie, Epic Movie, and (soon) Meet The Spartans- When I first saw the commercials for Date Movie I thought, “Finally! A spoof of Chick Flicks!” Thanks to “Amy”, I’d seen what felt like every Romantic Comedy to come out between 2000-2001, so when I saw that I felt vindicated. All those danged romantic comedies would get a send-up, as would the putrid mess that was Napoleon Dynamite. No…No. Instead, I got a half-hearted attempt at Spoof replete with played out fart jokes, MTV references, and poor impressions of celebrities that were already getting mocked by the Q-List “comics” of Best Week Ever, Talk Soup, and other such shows. In all fairness, I did laugh at a few scenes, but those were spread out thin between the Flaming Loads of Monkey Crap.

Epic Movie came along a year later, and I thought, “Well, the last one was awful, and this one is probably gonna be just as bad, but 3 or 4 good laughs + Free Tickets = Ehh, Why not?”. If Date Movie was half-hearted, then Epic Movie was akin to that scene in South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut (no 300) where they accidentally replaced Kenny’s heart with a baked potato. This was Epic Movie in a nutshell: Pop culture reference, fart joke, groin shot, someone gets hit with something. In that order. For like, 85 minutes. That’s it. Paris Hilton. Fart. Groin. Crash. Diddy. Fart. Groin. Crash. Cribs, Lazy Sunday, Click… My goodness, it was… Ya know what? I’m gonna stop right there, because slitting my wrists wasn’t on the agenda for today.

Now, from the “imagination” of “2 of the 6 writers of Scary Movie” comes Meet The Spartans, which right away sounds like a cross between Meet The Fockers/Parents and the aforementioned Closet-Fest, 300. I had the…opportunity (cuz pleasure is sooo not the word)…to see the trailer for this piece of floating feces the other day. Lemme tell ya, It was the exact…same…formula as Epic Movie. They open up with the Spartan troops and the other troops facing off, and then the leader of the Spartans says, “Yo! It’s time to stomp the yard!” and they dance and at the end he says, “You got served!”. Now, to be fair, I thought that scene was funny. I didn’t see that coming, and the idea of all those soldiers getting all amped up…to dance…made me laugh. *sigh* Then, of course, they go into a bad Britney Spears impersonator sitting in a barber’s chair at the edge of that big pit thing cutting her hair off holding a baby. One of the soldiers then kicks Britney into that pit. Hold on a second, I have to vomit up last nite’s Ben and Jerry’s Chocolate Fudge Brownie Ice Cream.

~5 minutes pass~

So yeah, those assholes are coming out with another “spoof”. You know what the problem is? I’ll fucking tell you what the problem is. Those kindsa movies cost like $250 to make, so when $17,000,000 worth of little bastard urchins go see it opening week, the studios make enough of a profit to churn out similar bullshit the next year. It’s fucking disgusting, and if I could, I’d personally slap the shit out of those “2 out of the 6 writers of Scary Movie”. Phuque (see my blogroll) > Them. It’s not even close.

So to 300, Wolverine, and the Epic/Date/Spartan Movies and the people that support that tripe, I gleefully say this to you, you fans of fuckery: Aaaaannnnd…You’re Done.

Call Reynolds, Cuz It’s a Wrap

Thanks for tuning in today. Catch ya’ll soon. Also, if you don’t already, check out some of the links in my blogroll. There are a lot of talented people writing as part of the Nahgger Blogger Network.

Oh, and if I don’t post again tomorrow, Have a Happy (and safe) Halloween.

–RTH aka Dr. Beardhussein (thanks Busta!)

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25 Responses to “Aaaaannnnd…You’re Done 3: Revenge of A…YD!”

  1. Mark Twain Fame Says:

    this post sucks!!!!!

    grrrrrrrrrrrrrr uncle made me mad.

    wolverine, 300 > kanye

    lol.

  2. reythehussein Says:

    lol, Touched a nerve, did I? [||]

  3. green eyes Says:

    hi Rey.

    i havent seen any of these movies. i think i’l pass. ‘sept for the 300.. ill watch that when it comes on tv.

  4. Mark Twain Fame Says:

    naw jsut messin rey…but for real wolverine is god!!!!!!!!!!

    lmao.

  5. Phuque Says:

    Wolverine is one of the best characters Marvel ever created. Look past the simplicity of his “abilities” and focus more on his character flaws…that’s where Marvel focuses anyway, and thats what makes his story dope. But any real comic book fan already knows this…it sounds like you’ve never really been into the actual comic. Wiki it sometime, famlay.

    Marvel’s character backgrounds & stories > DC’s

    As far as 300 goes….yeah thats just gay.

    And the “______ Movie” series is like anything Tyler Perry writes, produces, and directs – you have to go into w/ lowered expectations.

  6. State of Grace Says:

    I felt really conflicted after I saw 300, because the action was kinda cool, but there was definitely an overdose of the aforementioned homocity, not to mention some misogyny and questionable ethical decisions made by lead characters. I do like Wolverine though, and it should be noted that if his head were cut off, he’d die. Deadpool (also Canadian, and with a similar healing factor) owns him though. As for all those parody movies, I couldn’t agree more. Hey Hollywood, references aren’t the same as jokes! Yes, we all know who/what that person/movie/tv show/song is/are, but simply mentioning it does not constitute a joke, just like how Scrubs may list itself as a sitcom when no actual comedy takes place. But all is not lost in the world, as that miserable shitfuck Pete Wentz broke his ankle from all the fruity-ass spinning and jumping around he does on stage. Thanks God!

    Oh, I forgot, if the story behind 300 interests you at all but you don’t want to watch all that glistening faggotry, get the book Gates of Fire. Far more interesting, but keep in mind that whole region was sorta fruity back then. There’s a reason prostitutes call anal sex “Greek”.

  7. Mark Twain Fame Says:

    i’m a grown man…I know I aint down with the butt pirate shit, so I take 300 as a ill action epic flick, gotta get over that AYO shit.

  8. Phuque Says:

    # Mark Twain Fame Says:
    October 30th, 2007 at 3:33 pm

    i’m a grown man…I know I aint down with the butt pirate shit, so I take 300 as a ill action epic flick, gotta get over that AYO shit.

    ^^^

    I was joking about 300

  9. Mark Twain Fame Says:

    yeah I know…I was just sayin in general and at Reymundo’s view on the movie…

  10. reythehussein Says:

    @ Greenita– Best part is, aside from the gay innuendo, I actually kinda liked 300.

    @ Phuque– Cosign the Marvel > DC bit. I don’t really know that much about Wolverine’s backstory. I might Wiki it, I might not. YOU’LL NEVER KNOW! BWA HA HA HA HA HA! As for the ___ Movie series, I thought Date Movie might be good but I was wrong–I dig spoofs–I knew Epic Movie was gonna suck, I just didn’t know how bad.

    @ S of G– Shots at FOB, Shots at Scrubs.. It’s like you want me to cry!

    @ MTF– Don’t worry, one of these days I’m going to pass legislation banning any and all “No Homo/[||]” disclaimers. I throw them in every now and then as a shout out to the rules of the Rap Blog World from whence I arrived.

    Thanks to all for checking in!

  11. T DOT Says:

    Real men don’t have to say no homo (c) J to the Muah.
    But continue to if you feel it necessary.

    Wolverine was a fave growing up. It’s that get knocked down by a sentinel, get back up, say something witty, and get fastball special’d by Colossus and slash the shit outta everything type mentality that I liked. Plus him being Canadian in a world where the red white and blue runs rampant, doesn’t hurt. lol. But I get what you’re saying. Can’t Magneto fuck up his shit instantly tho?

    On Epic Movie etc. I 100% co-sign. People need to come with more creative means of comedy. Hence Superbad > Epic Movie, Date Movie, etc. so on, so forth.

  12. reythehussein Says:

    @ T Dot

    Dude, Scary Movie 3 > Epic, Date etc etc.. SuperBad is a legitmately awesome comedy.

    As for Wolvy, I guess I get that.. I dug Stone Cold Steve Austin for the same reason. Kick, Stunner, Middle Finger. Yessss! Magneto fucked Wolverine up for real once, ripped all the adamantium out of his body.

    Props for the Canuck pride, too!

    As for the No Homo stuff.. Ehh, I could do without the No Homo Game.. It’s amusing at times, but it’s not necessary on here.

  13. State of Grace Says:

    There’s no aggression in my content Rey, I just think you’re a nice guy and you deserve better comedy and music. It’s the same reaction I have when I see one of my favourite actual Uncles drinking shitty lite beer when he deserves higher quality inebriation. Keep in mind I’m something of a music and comedy (and beer) snob, so don’t take my dickish opinions too seriously. That said, I’d love to see anyone from Queens of the Stone Age beat everyone in Fallout Boy to death. It’d be like those old WWF matches where like 7 midgets would fight some 8 foot tall dude.

  14. ReyTheHussein Says:

    LOL.. Don’t Worry, Fam. I take no offense at what you say. You is be all up in my Cool Book. *IATS to MKU daps*

  15. JANGZ Says:

    dude the 300 soldiers were gay werent they?

  16. reythehussein Says:

    @ Jango Fett– I’m sure there was a lot of F.A.F.-ing going on back then.

  17. thoreauly77 Says:

    methinks the wolverine jab is out of line. a jab more appropriate would be superman methinks. for that we have relied on mr miller. the dark knight returns.

  18. reythehussein Says:

    @ Thor– Was that a haiku? It sounds haiku-ish.

    The Wolverine jab is sooo true. Peter Parker > Logan, errday all day.

    I hear you on SuperMan tho’.. Ol’ Kal-El is dang near indestructable, but kryptonite comes into play enough to even the odds before the eventual comeuppance received by the villains.

    Superman, Batman > Wolverine.

    (can’t wait for “The Dark Knight” tho’!)

    Thanks for the check in, Thor!

  19. Big Homie Says:

    Batman is the greatest of them all

  20. pockets Says:

    So yeah, those assholes are coming out with another “spoof”. You know what the problem is? I’ll fucking tell you what the problem is. Those kindsa movies cost like $250 to make, so when $17,000,000 worth of little bastard urchins go see it opening week, the studios make enough of a profit to churn out similar bullshit the next year. It’s fucking disgusting, and if I could, I’d personally slap the shit out of those “2 out of the 6 writers of Scary Movie”. Phuque (see my blogroll) > Them. It’s not even close.

    ^that statement was so on point i got stabbed by the sharp point u made. those flicks so focking retarded. btw im so happy scrubs is back, that hour of comedy of office/scrubs is unbeatable right now on tv.

  21. reythehussein Says:

    @ 2Pock– I gotta give The Office another chance. People rave about it but I don’t get it. I’m gonna try to borrow Season 1, maybe I’ll get into it if I start at the beginning. Scrubs is wicked awesome.

    As for those movies, yeah, they’re fucking terrible. They just don’t try to be clever at all. If I was 13-17 I’d be insulted, like “Wow, these assholes think I’d like this shit.” The last good spoof to come out was “Not Another Teen Movie”. Viva La Rated R Comedies!

    @ Big Homie– Batman’s dope, indeed!

  22. EnglandRepresent Says:

    Reymond, you need the ENGLISH version of The Office. All other attempts at swackin it are shite.

    300 was gay not only for the fact that 300 dudes were sweating profusely in close proximity to each other with very ltitle on but also because the plot and story line was utter utter bollocks. That can not be over looked. It was shit.

    Death At A Funeral is a funny film, recommended.

  23. reythehussein Says:

    @ EngRep–See, I wanna check out that version of The Office. I loved Coupling, so I’m thinking the Uk version of The Office might be better than the US version.. I love the back and forth and farcical nature of British Comedy.

    lol–You whooped on 299+1 more in that little paragrapph than I did in like 5 times the space.

    Death at a Funeral, Eh? Okay. I’ll check that out.

    Thanks EngRep!

  24. Busta Cracka The English Smacka Says:

    Good post Dr. Beardhussein….

    Epic movie, etc are all terrible. I watched the comebacks the other night which is a sports movie version of epic movie and that and it was horrible..

    Scrubs tonight big man….

  25. reythehussein Says:

    Yessir.. I’m all set to get my Scrubs onnnn.

    See, if Epic Movie wasn’t as putrid as it was, I might’ve gotten suckered into seeing “The Comebacks”.. But I learned my lesson. I counted the number of times in the trailer–a like 2.5 minute trailer–where someone would get hit or fall or crash into something, and it was in the teens. Like, for real. Someone fell into something, or got whacked, or was tackled into oblivion at least 14 times…IN A TWO AND A HALF MINUTE TRAILER!

    Shit is absolutely fucking disgusting.

    Thanks for checking in Busta!

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