You’ve crossed the line, Jennifer….and now you will pay.
It’s been a while since I’ve done one of these, so this should be fun.
Also: Scrubs is on Thursday nights @ 9:30pm on NBC. Watch it!
I have a special place in the Annoyance Hall of Fame for a today’s list of A…YD subjects. They’ve all annoyed me, or at least puzzled me, for quite some time. Coming up first is:
300: The Movie- I know what you’re all thinking: “What? 300 was awesome! What are you talking about, Uncle The Hussein?” I’ll tell you exactly what I’m talking about.
300 = Gay Propaganda Porn.
Yeah, I said it. That movie was Gay Propaganda Porn. Think about it: All those big sweaty mens packed tight together in that little cave, all booty-to-batons from front to back. Sure, they had “shields”, but all that is is Trojan’s bit of subliminal advertising. “Attention Gay Men, Use a Trojan condom to shield your lil’ soldier.”
Then, to add to it, it’s scene after scene of big sweaty mans, almost butt-ass nekkid, shoving big, hard, pieces of steel into other men. Let me ask you this, “Ayo Police”, how did THAT get past your Detectives?? Gratuitous scenes of half nekkid men shoving ridgid objects into other men is super, duper gay. Oh, and yes, they did show some chicks boobs, but that was a shout-out to the butch lesbians in the audience.
The funniest part is that there are alot of thugged up dudes, or uber-mysoginist fanboy nerds that absolutely flipped shit over this movie. Yes sir, a lot of dudes that were quick to go “No Homo!” or “Bro, you’re a fag!” fell hook, line, unt sinker for a Homoerotic Festival of Closet Homosexuality. I mean, this movie was almost as gay as Alexander, in which Jared Leto and Colin Farrell made googly eyes at each other for 2 hours and 59 minutes, broken up only by Rosario Dawson’s bare-chest.
…and you alllll fell for it.
Disclaimer- I am not gay, but I do have a ton of gay friends– Homophobia has never been a problem for me, as I really don’t care who’s screwing who 9 times outta 10.
Wolverine- “Aww, come on RTH! Wolverine’s a badass!” No. No, you blind bastards. Wolverine isn’t a bad ass. He’s motherfucking indestructable. I mean, seriously, he can heal himself from life-threatening injuries in mere seconds, his skeleton is coated in an metal impervious to damage, dings, or destruction and, oh yeah, he’s got foot long razor sharp claws made out of the same metal that come out of his friggin’ hands.
Tell me, Comic Book Fans of IATS, where is the suspense in that? You’re reading your 32 page comic. Oh no! Wolverine is in a fight! OH NO! He gets shot! 1 panel later, he’s all healed. 2 panels after that, he’s already cut up the bad guy what did the shooting.
Yeah, that sounds really *yawn* awesome.
Gimme SpiderMan, BatMan, Daredevil, The other X-Men.. real people that can be killed that have real problems and shit. Ol’ Wolverine (nee Logan) just walks around as the Badass of all Badasses (zZzZzZz) pretty much cuz he can’t be killed.
I guaran-the fuck-tee you that if Kanye West had an adamantium skeleton, a super-fast healing factor, and razor sharp claws, he’d talk way more shit about…pretty much anyone and everyone he dang well pleased.
Date Movie, Epic Movie, and (soon) Meet The Spartans- When I first saw the commercials for Date Movie I thought, “Finally! A spoof of Chick Flicks!” Thanks to “Amy”, I’d seen what felt like every Romantic Comedy to come out between 2000-2001, so when I saw that I felt vindicated. All those danged romantic comedies would get a send-up, as would the putrid mess that was Napoleon Dynamite. No…No. Instead, I got a half-hearted attempt at Spoof replete with played out fart jokes, MTV references, and poor impressions of celebrities that were already getting mocked by the Q-List “comics” of Best Week Ever, Talk Soup, and other such shows. In all fairness, I did laugh at a few scenes, but those were spread out thin between the Flaming Loads of Monkey Crap.
Epic Movie came along a year later, and I thought, “Well, the last one was awful, and this one is probably gonna be just as bad, but 3 or 4 good laughs + Free Tickets = Ehh, Why not?”. If Date Movie was half-hearted, then Epic Movie was akin to that scene in South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut (no 300) where they accidentally replaced Kenny’s heart with a baked potato. This was Epic Movie in a nutshell: Pop culture reference, fart joke, groin shot, someone gets hit with something. In that order. For like, 85 minutes. That’s it. Paris Hilton. Fart. Groin. Crash. Diddy. Fart. Groin. Crash. Cribs, Lazy Sunday, Click… My goodness, it was… Ya know what? I’m gonna stop right there, because slitting my wrists wasn’t on the agenda for today.
Now, from the “imagination” of “2 of the 6 writers of Scary Movie” comes Meet The Spartans, which right away sounds like a cross between Meet The Fockers/Parents and the aforementioned Closet-Fest, 300. I had the…opportunity (cuz pleasure is sooo not the word)…to see the trailer for this piece of floating feces the other day. Lemme tell ya, It was the exact…same…formula as Epic Movie. They open up with the Spartan troops and the other troops facing off, and then the leader of the Spartans says, “Yo! It’s time to stomp the yard!” and they dance and at the end he says, “You got served!”. Now, to be fair, I thought that scene was funny. I didn’t see that coming, and the idea of all those soldiers getting all amped up…to dance…made me laugh. *sigh* Then, of course, they go into a bad Britney Spears impersonator sitting in a barber’s chair at the edge of that big pit thing cutting her hair off holding a baby. One of the soldiers then kicks Britney into that pit. Hold on a second, I have to vomit up last nite’s Ben and Jerry’s Chocolate Fudge Brownie Ice Cream.
~5 minutes pass~
So yeah, those assholes are coming out with another “spoof”. You know what the problem is? I’ll fucking tell you what the problem is. Those kindsa movies cost like $250 to make, so when $17,000,000 worth of little bastard urchins go see it opening week, the studios make enough of a profit to churn out similar bullshit the next year. It’s fucking disgusting, and if I could, I’d personally slap the shit out of those “2 out of the 6 writers of Scary Movie”. Phuque (see my blogroll) > Them. It’s not even close.
So to 300, Wolverine, and the Epic/Date/Spartan Movies and the people that support that tripe, I gleefully say this to you, you fans of fuckery: Aaaaannnnd…You’re Done.
Call Reynolds, Cuz It’s a Wrap
Thanks for tuning in today. Catch ya’ll soon. Also, if you don’t already, check out some of the links in my blogroll. There are a lot of talented people writing as part of the Nahgger Blogger Network.
Oh, and if I don’t post again tomorrow, Have a Happy (and safe) Halloween.
–RTH aka Dr. Beardhussein (thanks Busta!)