Girls of the World ain’t Nothin’ but Trouble

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Dr. Beardhussein Calls Women Out On All Their Bullshit

Before I get started, let me preface this with: I’m single, cynical, and fresh off of running into the exgirlfriend that took a fuckin’ golf club to my heart.

I subscribe to the theory that a Guy should never hit a Girl unless his life is in danger, but also, that a Guy should be allowed to shake the shit out of a girl if she’s going crazy and not listening.

Oh, and also, this is coming from the perspective of The Nice Guy Who Gets Shat On, not the girl-hating cavemen ass ni**as that piss me off. (Don’t worry, I’ll get to them in a future post).

Jeah.

I am not a mysoginist. It could be argued that I’m the anti-mysoginist. I love girls. I love my my mom, my grandmothers, my aunts, my female cousins, the girls I’m friends with, female coworkers–you get the idea.

In fact, I almost love them to a fault. I’m practically the world’s biggest proverbial Captain Save-A-Ho. That doesn’t stop me from thinking that girls are out of their fuckin’ minds. Of course, some girls are going, “That’s cuz you know too many girls and not enough Women.” Right. Nice try, Loretta.

I know one girl that isn’t out of her fucking mind, and that’s my friend (and mom of my nephew), The Dizzle. So without further ado, here’s me fighting back for every guy who’s taken an Emo Beating at the hands of some crazy broad.

“I just wanna be friends”- Why the fuck do girls say this? Like, seriously? Let’s imagine the mind of the guy, shall we?

Gosh, I really like Melissa. We have a great time talking and hanging out. I think I should tell her I’m starting to fall for her.

Now, by the time a guy gets to the actual moment of truth, he’s already discussed this with his friends, his Trusty Female Advisors (every guy has one of those–they’re our Girl-to-English dictionary), and probably at least 2 or 3 random people–be they NR regs, his barber, or the waiter at The Cheesecake Factory. The guy has pondered this over and over again and has ultimately decided he’s gonna put his heart on the Sacrificial Slab of Woman.

He takes The Booty Shower (that 45 minute bathing excursion where you make sure everything is scrubbed three or 4 times, just in case she goes exploring), he shaves, busts out the fancy cologne he let the pretty sales girl at Macy’s talk him into buying, he wears uncomfortable shoes that match his belt, does his hair… *fast forward*…until he finally has her sitting down and laughing and he says:

Gosh, Melissa…We have a great time talking and hanging out. I think I’m starting to fall for you.

The girl, being a girl, reacts the same way my dog F.R.E.D. does when I sprinkle him with water. She gets this confused look in her eyes, gives a bit of a startled slide back, and then proceeds to give him a heart transplant…without anesthetic, a scalpel, or a donor:

Oh…Aww…I’m flattered, but I think I just wanna be friends.

“I just wanna be friends.” Okay, ladies, seriously. You’ve just ripped our fucking hearts out. We knew it was a longshot going into it, but after years of Sports Movies and the 2004 Red Sox, we’ve learned that even the sun shines on a dog’s ass every once in a while, and we go for it. Now, you’ve crushed us. You’ve said: “Sorry Guy I Spend Hours Every Week With Hanging Out And Mildly Flirting With, but despite the fact that we have great talks and stuff, I will never affectionately cuddle with you, nor will you ever see what kind of underwear I’m wearing before we take the escalator to BootyTown.”

…and we’re supposed to go, “Wow! Friends? Awesome! My fucking barber, my best friend, and Icon’n’Phuque know about how much I dig you, but now I get to run back and tell them that you find me completely repulsive…but we can still watch chick flicks and talk about all the other guys you’ve slept with and regretted ever meeting! Result!”

Fuck that shit, GirlKind.

Oh yeah, and “I hope we can still be friends” after a break-up is just as bad. Hearing that shit hurt in 9th grade, and guess what? It still hurts at 20-something.

“Sorry, we: Are Lesbians/Have boyfriends.”- Okay, so you’ve gotten over the heart-out-ripping that your “friend” has just administered. You gather up your troops–Mookie, Dayquan, Jim, and Busta Cracka The English Smacka–and you’re gonna go to this bar/club place with live music and a DJ. You’re enjoying the heck out of those $2 Miller Lites, and the DJ just stopped his techno/reggaeton mix and is FINALLY playing some Jay-Z. As you’re belting out, “And I wish I never met her at all!” at the top of our lungs all cathartic-ly, you spot this thicky thick white girl. She’s got a cute face, a decent rack, and that bit of woob to her that makes you wanna do naughty things in a movie theater or long drive.

You walk up to her and go, “Hey, you wanna dance?” cuz you don’t wanna be one of those random jackasses who either:

A- Believes waaayyyy too much that Girls think Dancing Skill = Bedroom Skill, and end up busting out their best *N’Sync-Circa-2001 moves, only to have everyone go, “He’s a great dancer! He must be gay.”

or

B- Goes up behind a girl and immediately starts grinding against her boo-tay, only to have the girl turn around, give the Death Look of All Evil Eyes, and then walk away.

Upon hearing your question, The girl instinctively grabs her friend a bit closer and goes, “Sorry! We’re lesbians!”.

Now, this happened to my boy DTMJ once, and he sorta shrugged, said “Okay”, and slunk away. If it were me, I would’ve gotten a bit annoyed at that kind of fuckery and said, “Wow, that’s awesome… You coulda just said ‘No’ instead of being a bitch about it.” and then I would’ve walked away. Don’t get the Emo shit twisted, Ol’ Uncle The Hussein is a stickler for manners. Um, unless they were actually lesbians, at which point I’d feel stupid.

The other thing girls in public places dancing and carrying on whilst chugging $2 Miller Lites like to do is say, “Sorry, we have boyfriends.” Reeeeaaallly. So, Half of a Happy Couple, where is El Bolso Del Douche? Wherever he’s at, he probably wouldn’t approve of you giving your hot girl friend a vertical lap dance to some reggae song while the male population of the bar is oogling and already running the Imagination Train on you.

I call bullshit, ladies. Next time, just say no–and spare us the death looks and bullshit. You’re dressed up all sexy like. At a bar. On the motherfucking dance floor. Don’t act like you’re in the produce aisle of Pathmark wearing sweats and no make-up when some random creepy dude came up wanting to grind all up on your lovelies.

Fuck that shit.

“I’m Fine.”- No. No. You’re not fine. No girl…in the history of Girl-Kind, has ever…evereverever…used that word in the context for which it is meant. I’m fine means “You better figure out what you did and quick.” Ladies: What in the FUCK is so difficult about just saying what makes you mad when it fuckin’ happens?? Oh, wait, I know:

He/You/They should just know.

Oh. Right. I forgot that every guy walking the planet is really a Psychic. We all walk around with a 6th sense to know what kind of bizarre mood swing you’ll bring up next.

Stop saying “I’m fine” when you’re not fine. All it does is piss us off and label you “Fuckin’ crazy.”

“I can’t believe you just said that.”- Gentleman, I present Public Enemy #1. I literally have fucking nightmares where an army of zombie-women from Dimension XX stomp after me saying “I can’t believe you just said that.”

What a girl means by, “I can’t believe you just said that.” is this:

Sorry, but even tho’ your comment was innocuous, I’m still “fine”, and your joke trying to make me feel better by putting it in perspective with “humor” just made it worse. Since we’re out in public, I’m going to continue having a great time, but I’m going to ignore you for the rest of the nite. If I see that you’re having fun, the argument we’re gonna have in the car will be twice as long.

Yep. I fucking hate that sentence. Girls, you overly-sensitive hives of Insanity, please learn to take a joke. If we really knew what we were about to say was as rude/thoughtless/insulting/incendiary as you took it, we never woulda said it! The last thing we want is to be On Punishment the rest of the nite, nor do we wanna have that argument in the car where we say, “I was only kidding!” 26 times.

Guys–“I can’t believe you just said that.” is the enemy of all enemies. It means No fun, no peace, and no sex. It literally takes off the next 3 chances for sex, and somehow negates one prior sexual experience. So not only are you booty-less for the next week, but her Crazy Female Communal Anger has actually cancelled out that time you hooked up with that girl at your birthday party.

That’s right, the time where your experimental friend went down on your date with you getting to watch just got erased. Forever.

Ladies…you know that shit ain’t right. Relax next time your fella takes an “I’m fine” and makes into an “I can’t believe you just said that.” Afterall…

…It ain’t that serious.

Call Reynolds, Cuz It’s A Wrap.

So there ya go. I hope you guys have learned something, but more importantly, I hope whatever female readership this site has has learned something.

Thanks for checking in.

–RTH

PS- Also, to break character for a minute– I really was still upset about seeing that stupid Ex, so this was a nice cathartic experience. Thanks again.

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36 Responses to “Girls of the World ain’t Nothin’ but Trouble”

  1. i Fux aka Etheraldinho Says:

    First Bitches and Nice Post, you tend to go on in impeccably hard with the EMO(none)

  2. reythehussein Says:

    lol… I do, but I thought I did a good job of keeping the Emo in check here.

  3. landLORD Says:

    … stop playing with girls and holla at some women … your perception will change dramatically …

    …. btw … AYYYOOOOO @ the title of the post …

    … self > Sun > women > girls > anythingelse …

  4. reythehussein Says:

    @ landLORD– I was quoting, dangit! It was a quote!

    You’re right about that tho’.. I think I know too many girls playing dress-up and not enough actual women.

  5. Mark Twain Fame Says:

    crazy and classic…pop in (nhjic) that my chemical romance cd!….

    good ish bro.

  6. Phuque Says:

    A word of advice, Reymundo….

    shorten your posts up…ain’t nobody finna read all that shit….

    Good post though…

  7. reythehussein Says:

    @ MTF– I was gonna protest, but honestly? I was listening to Fall Out Boy’s “From Under the Cork Tree” while I wasa writing.

    @ Phuque– Yeah, you’re right… Brevity has never been my strong point.

    Thanks to both for checking in!

  8. Mark Twain Fame Says:

    there are a couple things that are making you meet/talk/see those crazy broads you are talkin about:

    1. your at a Bar.

    2. alcohol is involved, and its cheap, $2 millers?!…jeez.

    shoot met my soon to be wifey niehte rin a bar or club. tellin ya it makes a difference, there are soem good girls in those places, but they are hidden by all the other dumb dingbats that hover around.

  9. Mark Twain Fame Says:

    Phuque Says:

    November 5th, 2007 at 3:39 pm
    A word of advice, Reymundo….

    shorten your posts up…ain’t nobody finna read all that shit….

    Good post though…

    ^^^

    yeah cause you know reading is dumb (c) fiddy.

  10. Rey's conscious Says:

    This is your conscious speaking:

    You know we been through this already…

    I see the therapy wasn’t effective…

    If you let my non-emo side show a little more, then maybe we can both cash in on something…..

    Raise your standards….they can’t relate to you because they haven’t achieved that level of maturity that you’re looking for…

    As for the ones who have not reveled in your Reyness:

    mother made ’em…
    mother had ’em…..
    mother (you know the rest)…

    (none)

  11. reythehussein Says:

    @ MTF– lol @ the Phuque Rebuttal..

    You’re right tho’.. It’s like they said in Coming to America, “You ain’t gonna meet no nice girl in a bar.. you gotta go to laundrymat, or church..” Where’s MacDowell’s when I need it??

    Did you mean to say you didn’t meet Wifey in neither a bar nor a club?

  12. reythehussein Says:

    @ um, My Conscious– 1- It should be “conscience”, but I’m sure the other one applies as well.

    2- You’re (I’m?) right tho’.. All around, actually. Thanks.

    3- The last part is motherf**k ’em, right? (sorry, i’m overwhelmingly lame sometimes)

  13. Mark Twain Fame Says:

    Did you mean to say you didn’t meet Wifey in neither a bar nor a club?

    ^^^

    yeah thats right, sorry my finger went special ed on me for a sec…heh.

  14. Phuque Says:

    # Mark Twain Fame Says:
    November 5th, 2007 at 3:45 pm

    Phuque Says:

    November 5th, 2007 at 3:39 pm
    A word of advice, Reymundo….

    shorten your posts up…ain’t nobody finna read all that shit….

    Good post though…

    ^^^

    yeah cause you know reading is dumb (c) fiddy.

    ^^^

    You know I’m not an idiot……and ya’ll know what I meant.

    Take it how you want…

  15. reythehussein Says:

    @ Phuque– I know what you meant, no shots fired.

  16. Rey's conscience Says:

    *3:48 post edit*

    All that and I didn’t even spell my name right…..but hey, I’m Rey’s CONSCIENCE- what the hell do I know, I probably spelled it wrong again….

    (none)

  17. Mark Twain Fame Says:

    trust em I was like that a while back cause I thought bitches would not holla at a dude cause he was a bit bigger…—-

    Tank – hey you wanna dance?

    random broad – my feet hurt.

    Tank – okay, let me buy you a ameretto sour.

    Random broad – No sorry Im here with my friends, and, I gotta walk my dog, wash my car, and clean my basement carpet, sorry…

    Tank- oh it’s all good I gotta go holds up that table over there anywyas, I am pretty busy so it’s all good, holla.
    *rough translation*
    FUCK! damn cunt slime…Bobby give me another Lime Mojito and a shot of jack…also call me a taxi.

  18. Mark Twain Fame Says:

    at Phuque…no shots fired either…jokes homie.

  19. reythehussein Says:

    lol @ Rey’s Conscience.. Sorry, I’m not normally a dick [||] about spelling/grammar, but I had to. Also, it’s interesting that my conscience is a separate entity from the rest of me. Cosign the part about letting the non-emo side out. (double pause).

    LMAO @ MTF– Yeah, that’s about right. I dunno.. I stress the girl stuff too much, but I’ve been working on that lately. *big man daps* (triple pause with a side of no homo)

  20. green eyes Says:

    this is great. you’re right. women do some stupid shit sometimes.
    no excuse. just agreeing.

  21. Rey's conscience Says:

    @ Rey

    Hey, I’m just your conscience…..your spell-check is on the other side of your brain….I’m here to think, let them formulate.

    I’m in your head (none), and not a seperate entity….but you know how they show those big-ass, multi-million dollar homes, and the owner says: “It’s so big (none )there are rooms I haven’t seen or knew I had”…..you get the picture….

    You should let the non-emo side out (none)….it will increase your chances exponentially…..let’s work together man….I get tired of playing second-fiddle to the “easy listening” side of you.

    (none)

  22. reythehussein Says:

    @ Greenie– *whew* I thought I was gonna get the business from you.

    @ Rey’s Conscience– LOL.. Okay, it’s a deal.

  23. green eyes Says:

    rey– nah.. i might give it, but when its valid i can take it (none)

  24. LL(not the rappa) Says:

    this is not a good look rey…lol….i get the overall pic tho…and i read everything, i agree with land, leave the “girls” alone and get some mature broads..go to a bookstore, at least u know she reads…then come back and tell us about it.

  25. superjew Says:

    dude never let the girl youre tryna bag know you really diggin on her. chicks love the thrill of the chase b. you needs to know this. keep em guessing.

  26. JANGZ Says:

    So rey what did u do instead of college?

  27. Busta Cracka The English Smacka Says:

    LOL @ this post, good one Rey keep up the good work.

    Another thing i really cant be dealing with is when girls get drunk and just start crying for no reason..
    Every group of girls i know has a one in the group that will drink her body weight in vodka and procced to ruin everyone elses night by howling in the corner over something totally random…

    $2 beers, sounds like heven. Thats like £1

    There was a time(back when i was 18) in my home town when a new club opened and there was a bit of a price war on drink.

    You could get a vodka and dash of coke for 30 pence, which would work out at 15 cence for a vodka and coke…. Crazy!!!!

    You could buy every girl in the club a drink and still have change of a £10 for a taxi home and some food…

  28. Frank Lucas or Ludacris Says:

    Ur a fat fuckin bitch:….i bet ur Ex girl cheated on u cuz she was disgusted by u

    Editors Note: Mr. Lucas left out the part where he admits he’s a eunuch shut in with no friends.

  29. Busta Cracka The English Smacka Says:

    Frank Lucas or Ludacris Says:

    November 6th, 2007 at 8:12 am
    Ur a fat fuckin bitch:….i bet ur Ex girl cheated on u cuz she was disgusted by u

    ^^^^^^^^^^

    Your first hater Rey, you must be getting better at this…

  30. Animal Thug Says:

    Go to church. You will find some nice ones at church and will gurantee that you find one for you. Trust me.

  31. reythehussein Says:

    Well… Ya’ll have been busy!

    @ LL– Yeah, ol’ landLORD was right. Problem is, my social group has been static for about 3 years now.. No new people coming in. I gotta work on expanding and meeting new people.

    @ Superjew– L’Chaim! That’s not a bad idea… It’s a subtle move that even my overly sensitive ass [||] can do, but I never think to. I’m gonna have to start writing these down.

    @ Jango Fett– Instead of college I just worked my happy ass off. Honestly tho’? I wish I woulda gone. But, to keep it extra crispy, I more wish I went for the social part of it than the academic part.

    @ Busta Cracka The English Smacka– What up, Scotland’s Finest! Dude, my friend “M” is that girl.. the one who drinks too much and gets all panicky. I had to leave a bar after like an hour and a half cuz she was crying. I was like, “Aw man, people think I did something to piss her off”.. As for the rest, yeah BOY! $2 beers make my world go ’round. I’d rather drink at a party at a friend’s house than at a bar, but $2 beers isn’t that bad at all. As for your ridiculously low cost of booze–sign me up!

    @ Frank Lucas– You’re boring me already.

    @ Busta (again)– Yeah man.. as they say, “Hate is the new Love”. This dude probably reads my “The Emo Files” and jots down the main points. Closet Case.

    @ Animal Thug– First off, no disrespect, but the name “Animal Thug” and “Go to church” strike me as a bit…clashing. Anyway, Yeah, my friend Miss R. wants me to go to church with her. I should follow up on that.

    Thanks to all for checking in. Even you, Mr. Lucas, you sad, pathetic son of a bitch!

  32. EnglandRepresent Says:

    Ha! Perfect fuckin timing Rey Rey. I was just chattin about women being fucked in the head, correction : ALL women being fucked in the head. I love women, I respect women but because I’m a gentlemanly muthafucka women think they can boss a chief around. ERep is NOT ‘avin it. So you know that new breezy I’ve been slottin? Man, basically I stood her up twice over the weekend, once to chill with my sister, the other time cos I got twatted at my manz’ barbecue but whateva. Girl gets on the blower and tries to rip shit through me. Basically she’s an over possessive spoilt little bitch. Had to tell her she’s a dickhead and now she’s all over me again. I’m tellin you, I’m gettin on landLORD’s bandwagon, too much messin with GIRLS and not enough messin with WOMEN.

    But I co-sign your post, just maybe not amp everything up too much, always builds everything up and then if you do get let down it bites even more.

  33. reythehussein Says:

    Hmmm, so ol’ girl got a bit nutty on you, eh? I’m all for keeping a girl in check when they flip shit for no reason.

    I had a long talk with a couple of my boys tonite, and they both kinda mentioned some of the stuff ya’ll have been telling me on here. It’s good advice.

    I’ll keep it real tho’, I don’t really meet that many new girls (shocking, I know) to be able to practice some of that. Ah well.

    Thanks for checking in, Homey.

  34. Che Revvara Says:

    Here’s the thing, men think women are nuts, and women think men are nuts because our life-styles and upbringings are different. Socially, men are brought up with a natural inclination to lonerness. Women, however are brought up, and socialiaed in gtroups, they adopt the disperate and often conflicting beliefs and values of the other ladies in their group, even if they don’t believe in them 100% because it’s important for them to fit into the grop.

    When talking to women one on one they often disagree with the psycho behavior we describe, because in their mind they think it’s wrong, but then put them back in their group and mob mentality takes over. Kind of like Riots after a championship game. You talk to any of these slack-jawed-yokle mano y mano and they’ll all tell you this savage brutality is silly and unwarranted, making their team look bad. However, when the mob acts up, they’re flipping cars busting down-town windows and stealing everything in sight. Same home-fella.

    Now, as far as the female, understand my shit shit, well, when acting in gropus as regularly as they do, the gropus tend to notice every little difference in behavior (read find out who doesn’t belong), assess it and determine if it’s harmful to the grop for expulsion or reprogramming to be unnoticable. Men, are bred to be solitary. I know I’ve said it, but I’ll say it again. I’m happy sitting home alone, eating a sandwitch and watching a game. Perfectly. I can take car rides for hours with my boys, not say a word and it don’t mean anything’s wrong. These things come in conflict because man, the “supposed hunter” needs to eb able to deal with aloneness, and woman the “social-caregiver” needs the group and each to some extent tries to reprogramm the other into their mindset, and each being reprogrammed will have disasterous results on the other. Women use language it’sself at bond to other people, and men rely on deeds to bond to other people. The thing with that is, men have a hard time talking about it and women try to find other meanings in the deeds. According to Yahoo health (http://health.yahoo.com/experts/menlovesex/14228/the-secret-language-of-men) “The numbers say it all: In studies, women speak an average of 20,000 words a day. Men speak an average of 7,000. And we waste a lot of those words on meaningless chitchat with cabbies, talking sports”

    The other thing with the bar-chick nonsense…. it’s all about strength in numbers for them. Every woman wants the alpha male, even if they don’t know it, which is why they always complain abuot going out with ass holes, and then go out with more assholes. Staying with the pack accomplishes a few things for them; 1) gives them comfort in not leaving the (support) group, 2) gives them an easy enough reason to say no (which can sometimes be a difficult thing to do, almost as hard as asking), 3) reduces the total number of male inquires but increases the percentage of alphas, who will be undeterred by the group lessening the need to say no, and also gets instant approval or rejection from the grouop, 3) the group helps keep the events of said mating dance on their tetrms because there’s safety in numbers. Women at these situations can often feel as “prey” and males being preditors, only compounded by an admitted male disposition towards deuchebaggery.

  35. State of Grace Says:

    LMAO @ the Booty Shower. I took one last night before I went to my girl’s place. We were going to watch some Weeds and then whateverwhateverwhatever (c) Pretty Toney. We make it through one episode and then her roommate comes home bawling (no Jim Jones) because she just broke up with her boyfriend, forcing me to drive home early. Ain’t that a b.

  36. reythehussein Says:

    @ S of G– Oh man.. that’s terrible. Gotta love The Booty Shower. Wayyyy different from the 10 minute de-funker you take to be unoffensive to the general public before a nite of carrousing with the crew.

    @ Che Revv– Welcome to the blog, homey! Always a fan of your wisdom, and you bring up great points.

    Thanks to both for checking in!

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