The Emo Files: The Single Life

gdubs

Not that kinda single. The Datin’ Kind.

This wasn’t gonna be an “Emo Files” post, but that’s where it ended up going.

Now that I’m unemployed, I keep all kinds of weird hours.

Last nite (yesterday morning) I went to bed around 5ish. I was reading over old conversations I’d saved to an old computer and chatting with my friend, The Sarge. She was up all nite cuz she’s a sleep tech, and even tho’ she wasn’t at work last nite, she still stayed up to keep on her normal schedule. Anyway, we chatted for a while and I went to bed about 45 minutes before sunrise.

Sooo, I woke up (yesterday–it’s after midnight and I’m a stickler about stuff like that) about 1pm and puttered around doing my doings. I BS’d on Nah for a while, bounced around MySpace, checked some other rap sites, and then hit the TV.

Fast forward to about 8pm tonite and I took a nap. I finally woke up around ten minutes to 10p thinking I was gonna go to bed, but after laying down for a few minutes, I decided I was too hungry to go to bed. (I ate around 3ish). In lieu of food I plopped down in front of the computer, re-entered my profile stuff for my personal MySpace page (i deleted it during a monstrous fit of depression a while back and replaced it with the lyrics to Joe Budden’s “Whatever it takes”), and have been sitting here preeetty much ever since.

I always wake up in a bad mood from late afternoon/evening naps.  I’m not 100% sure why, but I do. I think it’s because my defenses are down and my Emo is active and one of my first thoughts upon awaking is, “Why the fuck am I waking up? There’s nothing worth waking up for.” —Not in the, “I have no plans tonite” way, but rather the “What’s the meaning of Life?” kinda way.

The not-so-big secret is that I’ve spent a lot of time depressed. At some point back in 2001 I started asking myself tough questions and it’s fucked me up. Since then I’ve learned that there isn’t an absolute that I can’t ponder until it makes about as much sense as Bow-Wow and Omarion recording an album together.

I used to base it around being single when I was in relationships for a good 8+ years straight. Sure, there were pockets (no NR reg) of bachelorhood, but for the most part I was either taken, involved, or in limbo.

Then, somewhere around Fall 2002 all hell broke loose in my love life and I got metaphorically assraped (NH) romantically, and it’s been a long, slow, crazy ride ever since. I’d like to think I’m getting better, but who knows?

There isn’t much to report on the Romantic front for Dr. Beardhussein.  2 of my friends are starting up new relationships, so along with my friend Tiburon (A lousy code name, I know), I’m the only single guy. I mean,  my guys deserve chicks, but it does remind me of my situation.

Thing is, I’ve always been the type to sweat girls. I know the comment section is going to be bombarded with well-intentioned cliches about girls “Showing up when you least expect it” or “Just enjoy being single and smash whoever you want” and the like…but that doesn’t really work for me. Too shy, too Emo (sorry, My Conscience), and too insecure for that stuff.

I guess what bugs me is that there isn’t even somebody worth getting all excited about. No kinda crush-worthy girls out there. (and that’s crush as in the middle school sense not crush as in the “I’m not a player” sense) No sir, nothing out there but a lot of daydreams and bad ideas.

*sigh*

Anyway, this is a recurring theme for me, one that has been explored to death and back to life and then back to death on my Mi Espacio blog, and I shant do it here. I think what I’m really trying to say is that I’m not really built for being alone. I know you’re not supposed to admit that stuff on a blog whose audience is comprised of wise-cracking hip-hop fans, but it’s how I feel.

Don’t worry about me tho’, kids. In terms of being depressed–I’m not even really there. I just don’t like this whole “In between” feeling that I’ve been saddled with lately. It’s everywhere–in my professional life, in my romantic life, heck–my home life.

I just keep waiting for something to happen to me–not necessarily bad, just my “What’s Next” and my “Who’s next?”, ya know?

Anybody else feel that way? Like they’re waiting for the train and they keep looking down the tunnell waiting for the dern thing to show up?

I’m sure a lot of people feel that way. The question is: How do you guys deal with it? Tips? Pointers? Shout me a holla here in the “Christopher Wallace Memorial Comments Section” (yep, I named my comments section. *b-boy* stance) or, if you wanna get deep with it [||] without putting your business out there, you can e-mail me at ReyTheHussein@gmail.com . All responses to my e-mail will be kept supremely confidential, you have my word as a dorky emo star wars fan.

Who knows? Maybe we can figure out stuff together.

Thanks for checking in,

 –RTH

Advertisements

8 Responses to “The Emo Files: The Single Life”

  1. i Fux aka Etheraldinho Says:

    WOW homie…..I guess we all have times in our lives like this, keep your head up. I usually go to a bar and drink a Beer alone. I do that shit all the time. Just get out of the house go have a beer some wings watch the Knicks and chill. Trust me sometimes all takes is to get out of the fucking house, real talk.

  2. reythehussein Says:

    You ain’t kiddin, Fuxito. I’ve left the house once this week. It looks like I’ll be home tonite, but tomorow nite thru saturday nite I’ll be out and about.

    Thanks for the check-in, homey.

  3. Rey's Conscience Says:

    Rey:

    Let’s talk…seriously.

    Question: How do you feel about yourself?

    You sound like you feel sorry for yourself and are in need of sympathy.

    Sorry- None here.

    Stop being selfish- Yep, you are.

    You’re better than that.

    Are the “Bearded One/ Star Wars Stan/ Uncle Emo/ etc. barriers you put up for defense, or are they diversions to throw people off from how you feel and who you are?

    They (bad experiences) happen, and will continue to happen, as long as you/we exist on this dirty ball we call “Mother Earth”….just remember, the same shit that gets you so down, you’ll be able to look back on in a couple of years and laugh about it. TRUST. Just be around to be able to do it.

    The main thing is: don’t let a sour situation or even a thousand fuck up your outlook and ruin MORE opportunities presented to you (I know you have already). You not only depress yourself, but those close to you.

    Lose the defenses/facades and just be you fam. It’s better to play the game and lose (or win) than to be a non-participant and wonder and brood.

    Any wounds you suffer from at this point are self-inflicted, especially after 5/6 years.

    I speak from experience, and still have to check myself sometimes.

    Things happen when they are supposed to happen.

    Live your life fam, you only get one.

    No disrespect.

    Peace

  4. EnglandRepresent Says:

    OK Rey Rey. My suggestion is this : Have you ever thought about doing some proper travel? I’m not talking about going Upstate for a weekend kinda travel. Have you ever though about going travelling for a year and gettin out of the States and actually seeing some of the amazing sights this planet has to offer? Because if you haven’t I’m telling you it should be high on your list of priorities. When I was about 22 I was in a similar situation, I’d just graduated from Uni, my girl just gave me the flick (slag) and I didn’t have a fuckin clue what I wanted to do. So I saved up like a muthafucka and went travelling for a year. Went to South America, Asia, Europe etc. Not only did I get to see some AMAZING shit, seriously, but it helped me refocus and actually take a look at what’s important in life. You get to be comfortable with yourself and who you are and that kinda shit is priceless. A sense of persepctive. Sometimes we get so caught up in our own little microcosm, our own little goldfish bowl existence we don;t realise how good we’ve got it. I honestly recommend you consider it, even if it means doin a bummy ass job for a few months to save up the coin. You know the e-mail if you want any travel advice. Hold ya head bigdog (nh).

  5. reythehussein Says:

    @ Rey’s Conscience– I wish I knew who you were and how you’ve come to know me so well, but I think I’m happier not knowing. Not for bad reasons, but because what you say hits really hard and it hits home. I really tried not to bring stuff like this over here because every now and then people use my openness as a weapon.. Anyway.. You’re absolutely right, and I think I need to keep that stuff in mind. Whether you’re an anonymous NR reg, or a random friend–I sincerely thank you, and want you to know that your words are appreciated, and will not go in one ear and out the other.

    @ EngRep– That’s a good idea. You’re dead-on about the fishbowl thing. Sometimes I do feel like it’s the same people, the same routine all the time. I think I’d like to see some more of this world, it’s just a matter of getting up and actually doing it..

    More importantly, it’s–and i’m sure My Conscience would agree–a matter of breaking free of my own chains and stop trying so hard to hurt myself.

    ***

    I have much to ponder.

    Thanks to both for checking in.

  6. EnglandRepresent Says:

    Big ups Rey. You’re a genuinely good dude and I’m a believer that good things happen to those with a good heart. Brixton salutes you.

  7. EnglandRepresent Says:

    And I think you should listen to Your Conscience. He’s not takin the piss, more of a case of ‘tough love’ in a no homo way.

  8. reythehussein Says:

    Thank you, EngRep. Bay Shore/Brentwood and Los Yahoos salute you right back. (none)

    Yeah, My Conscience is dead on. 100% dead on, and I’m really gonna try to remember his/her words when I’m out and about–and I’m not just saying that.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: