Not that kinda single. The Datin’ Kind.
This wasn’t gonna be an “Emo Files” post, but that’s where it ended up going.
Now that I’m unemployed, I keep all kinds of weird hours.
Last nite (yesterday morning) I went to bed around 5ish. I was reading over old conversations I’d saved to an old computer and chatting with my friend, The Sarge. She was up all nite cuz she’s a sleep tech, and even tho’ she wasn’t at work last nite, she still stayed up to keep on her normal schedule. Anyway, we chatted for a while and I went to bed about 45 minutes before sunrise.
Sooo, I woke up (yesterday–it’s after midnight and I’m a stickler about stuff like that) about 1pm and puttered around doing my doings. I BS’d on Nah for a while, bounced around MySpace, checked some other rap sites, and then hit the TV.
Fast forward to about 8pm tonite and I took a nap. I finally woke up around ten minutes to 10p thinking I was gonna go to bed, but after laying down for a few minutes, I decided I was too hungry to go to bed. (I ate around 3ish). In lieu of food I plopped down in front of the computer, re-entered my profile stuff for my personal MySpace page (i deleted it during a monstrous fit of depression a while back and replaced it with the lyrics to Joe Budden’s “Whatever it takes”), and have been sitting here preeetty much ever since.
I always wake up in a bad mood from late afternoon/evening naps. I’m not 100% sure why, but I do. I think it’s because my defenses are down and my Emo is active and one of my first thoughts upon awaking is, “Why the fuck am I waking up? There’s nothing worth waking up for.” —Not in the, “I have no plans tonite” way, but rather the “What’s the meaning of Life?” kinda way.
The not-so-big secret is that I’ve spent a lot of time depressed. At some point back in 2001 I started asking myself tough questions and it’s fucked me up. Since then I’ve learned that there isn’t an absolute that I can’t ponder until it makes about as much sense as Bow-Wow and Omarion recording an album together.
I used to base it around being single when I was in relationships for a good 8+ years straight. Sure, there were pockets (no NR reg) of bachelorhood, but for the most part I was either taken, involved, or in limbo.
Then, somewhere around Fall 2002 all hell broke loose in my love life and I got metaphorically assraped (NH) romantically, and it’s been a long, slow, crazy ride ever since. I’d like to think I’m getting better, but who knows?
There isn’t much to report on the Romantic front for Dr. Beardhussein. 2 of my friends are starting up new relationships, so along with my friend Tiburon (A lousy code name, I know), I’m the only single guy. I mean, my guys deserve chicks, but it does remind me of my situation.
Thing is, I’ve always been the type to sweat girls. I know the comment section is going to be bombarded with well-intentioned cliches about girls “Showing up when you least expect it” or “Just enjoy being single and smash whoever you want” and the like…but that doesn’t really work for me. Too shy, too Emo (sorry, My Conscience), and too insecure for that stuff.
I guess what bugs me is that there isn’t even somebody worth getting all excited about. No kinda crush-worthy girls out there. (and that’s crush as in the middle school sense not crush as in the “I’m not a player” sense) No sir, nothing out there but a lot of daydreams and bad ideas.
Anyway, this is a recurring theme for me, one that has been explored to death and back to life and then back to death on my Mi Espacio blog, and I shant do it here. I think what I’m really trying to say is that I’m not really built for being alone. I know you’re not supposed to admit that stuff on a blog whose audience is comprised of wise-cracking hip-hop fans, but it’s how I feel.
Don’t worry about me tho’, kids. In terms of being depressed–I’m not even really there. I just don’t like this whole “In between” feeling that I’ve been saddled with lately. It’s everywhere–in my professional life, in my romantic life, heck–my home life.
I just keep waiting for something to happen to me–not necessarily bad, just my “What’s Next” and my “Who’s next?”, ya know?
Anybody else feel that way? Like they’re waiting for the train and they keep looking down the tunnell waiting for the dern thing to show up?
I’m sure a lot of people feel that way. The question is: How do you guys deal with it? Tips? Pointers? Shout me a holla here in the “Christopher Wallace Memorial Comments Section” (yep, I named my comments section. *b-boy* stance) or, if you wanna get deep with it [||] without putting your business out there, you can e-mail me at ReyTheHussein@gmail.com . All responses to my e-mail will be kept supremely confidential, you have my word as a dorky emo star wars fan.
Who knows? Maybe we can figure out stuff together.
Thanks for checking in,