Dr. Beardhussein and the IATS Academy Give Out Some Awards To Honor Douchebags In Entertainment…Sally.
Let’s see… It’s 3:30am on Saturday, November 24th. I just got back from my obscenely hot and nice-racked friend A.G.’s house. She’s also an incredible sweetheart, so that’s cool too. Turk joined us and we watched Hot Fuzz, and a good time was had by all.
This entry was originally gonna be called “Profiles in Douchebaggery”, but I decided the “Award Show” format was more fun.
In my travels in the world, on los internetitos, at the movies, and flipping channels, I’ve come across what can only be described as copious amount of Fuckery and all-around Douchebaggery.
So, I decided to honor these assholes with the first award show designed to honor pop culture assholes for being just that: Assholes.
Ladies and Gentleman, Welcome to the “Aaaaannnnd…You’re Done”ies.
The “Had a spark when you started but now you’re just garbage” award goes to:
TV- South Park. Look, we get it. Little kids curse, pop culture figures get lambasted, and everything sucks. After 10 years you’d think Trey Parker and Matt Stone would abandon their formula that got old 3 seasons ago.
Music- Eminem. Lemme get this straight, Marshall. You decide that you wanna be a rapper more than anything else ever, right? And somehow, after 5 years of being the biggest f’n star on the planet, you get so “bored” that you churn out bullshit and fuckery? That’s fuckin’ awful. Fuckin’ quit if you wanna quit, don’t continue assaulting us with crap like Encore or the non-“When I’m Gone” new songs from Curtain Call. You’re embarrassing yourself.
The “I can’t believe someone got paid to put out this shit” award goes to:
Music- Tie! Jim Jones, Rich Boy, Hurricane Chris, Soulja Boy, MIMS, Lil’ Boosie, & Yung Berg. The saddest part is that when ya’ll fuckers were in the studio, nobody said, “Dude, that sucks.” You’d think that, at some point, someone would inform you that the “music” you’re making was Flaming Loads of Monkey Crap.
Movies- Tie! Epic Movie, The Comebacks, Hot Rod, & I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry. It truly baffles me that some studio executive said: “Oh man, that sounds awesome! J.P., give Andy Samberg $5,000,000 to make a movie!… You know, Andy Samberg!…No, that’s Andy Roddick… No, that’s Andy Richter. He’s the ‘My Dick in a Box’ guy!… Well, I mean, he kinda looks like Jason Biggs…”.
The “This Industry Cliche Needs to Die a Horrible Death” award goes to:
Music- “I’m bringing___back!” Look asshole, you’re not bringing “that real shit” back. You’re not bringing “sexy” back. You’re not bringing “The East Coast” back. Motherfucker, you’re not even bringing back an egg roll and some chicken wings.
Movies- “Mind blowing bonus features!”. Give me a break. Nobody is watching their copy of Homoerotic Film Noir Blood’n’Guts at home with their buddies going: “Oh my God! They’re acting against a green screen! Holy shit, dude! The artists at “NerdFX 9000″ are now digitally inserting the background! No fucking way! No! Fucking Way! They’re…They’re…CREATING A SEAMLESS BLEND OF LIVE ACTION AND COMPUTER GENERATED IMAGES!” *viewers head a splodes*
The “Deny it all you want, someone is buying this shit” award goes to:
Music- Tie! Every ringtone single to come out over the last year! I don’t know who these assholes are that boost useless nimrods like MIMS or Rich Boy are, but I wish I could be there in a year when they’re going thru their CDs and saying to themselves, “Hustlers POME? What the fuck was I thinking?”
The “If one more person says this catchphrase, I’m going to beat them with a hammer” award goes to:
“BITCHES!”- Fuck you, Dave Chappelle. Fuck you right in your ear, dude. Thanks to your 98lb kangol wearing ass, I have to deal with stupid fuckers all over the world saying “Bitch!” or “Bitches!” like it’s their last name. “I’m making toast, bitches!”. “I’m wearing my moms underwear, Bitches!” “Let’s get STD tests cuz some frat guy who said he was totally gonna call me the next day hit me raw and now I have a funny rash…bitches!”. “I’m Harold Von Snerd, bitch!”Good crap-in-a-kazoo.. that shit is fucking annoying. I just got used to people saying “Hells Yeah” and white people saying “hoodies”, but this “bitch/bitches” thing has to go.
The “I know I’m about 12-15 years too old for this show to be aimed at me, but I know that if this bullshit was on when I was young I wouldn’t have watched it then” award goes to:
Tie! MTV, VH1, & E!. Flavor of Love. Rock of Love. Talk Soup. Best Week Ever. I Love New York. The Hills. Laguna Beach. The Real World. The Inferno. Parental Controls. Tila Tequila’s “Win a date with a MySpace Moron who’s a 7, tops” Show. What the fuck. Seriously. What. The. Fuck. If I was aged 12-21, I’d be really fuckin’ offended. I’d be like, “Wow, you assholes really think I’d find this shit entertaining?”. It’s like when you go to the movies and every preview before the feature is for a movie you wouldn’t see in a thousand years, and you’re like, “Wow.. What’s wrong with what I’m about to watch that these trailers are attached to it?”. Those shows are insipid and insulting, and altho’ everyone says, “They’re so stupid and terrible–but that’s what makes them good!”, somebody’s gotta be liking this shit. Please: Stop watching this tripe. Plus, this is coming from a guy whose own generation had Beavis and Butthead as it’s own King of TV–and that show was dumber than fucking a blender on Frappe.
The “Seriously, the hating is just silly now” award goes to:
People Who Hate On Kanye West. I get it if you don’t like his music. I’ll even give you that his arrogance might turn you off from supporting him. But, what I don’t get, is people that go, “That nigga Kanye don’t make his own beats or write his own rhymes!”. Lemme get this straight, you arrogant pricks, He doesn’t produce anything. He has Common and Consequence and RhymeFest write his rhymes. He’s standoffish with the media to the point of being danged near impossible. He’s pissed off MTV and recorded a song calling out his boss for being kind of a dick to him. So, riddle me this, shitheads: Why the FUCK does this guy have a deal? Yes, I know ‘Fest wrote “Jesus Walks”. However, Wouldn’t it make more sense for Def Jam to take those “ghost-produced” beats and those “ComFestQuence” written songs and give them to a better looking guy who kisses the media’s ass and does safe, simple, bullshit ass music? Right. That’s what the fuck I thought, stupids.
And the last award for “Biggest Douchebag of 2007” Goes to:
You! The Consumer! Come right up and get your award! Don’t be shy! After all, you’re the ones who shit on everything left and right! You’re the ones who either 1-support total crap, or 2- Don’t support the Not-Total Crap! Take a big bow as you claim that “Everything sucks”! Make sure you say “Hi!” to mom in your speech, but also make sure you include the part about stealing music, criticizing movies, and contributing to the growing streak of nihilism and The Nothing that’s consuming our entire generation! After all, You’re too cool to actually like anything! Your effort to continuously mock everything, or claim that the good stuff is merely “Not bad” is commendable! Plus, you’ve also earned this award for ironically suppporting horrible shows and picking everything apart to oblivion, which just enables The industry to dumb down movies, television, and music to appeal to an increasingly younger generation! Let’s not forget the Fan Boys and Impossible to please critics online! I hope you have a place on the mantle, The Consumer, because You’ve absolutely, positively earned this award, bitches!
Call Reynolds, Cuz it’s a Wrap.
So there ya go. I hope you’ve enjoyed the Aaaaannnnd…You’re Done-ies. Hopefully this will be the last time I’ll have to give out these particular awards, but Lord knows shit is just gonna get worse.
Here’s to hoping people will realize that, honestly and truly, It ain’t that serious.
Here’s to having some fun and putting some genuine effort to not churn out formulaic, insulting, insipid nonsense.
Here’s to hoping that we, the audience, will drop our sense of entitlement.
Plus, since I’m already daydreaming, here’s to hoping that I’ll get to make out with Jennifer Love Hewitt.