Fuckin’ Turnstiles

Turnstile

ReyTheHussein Fights Back Against Those Metal Instruments of Fuckery

It’s 23 minutes past Noon on Wednesday, December 27th. We’re in the middle of that odd nether-region between Christmas and New Year’s.

I’ve been in a bit of a mood the last couple of days but I think I’m slooowwwlllly crawling out of it. I don’t really like to blog when I’m in a weird mood because the entries come out either really disjointed or really depressed–and I’m trying to avoid all that nonsense.

Anyway, I figured I’d share this latest bit of randomry with you guys.

Enjoy.

If it pleases the court, I’d like to submit another reason for me to stop eating crap, get off my ass, and dooooo something about all this fat I’ve been accumulating over the years.

I submit to you: The turnstile at The Nutty Irishman’s Bay Shore location.

So far it’s been twice where I’ve seriously thought I was gonna get stuck in that motherfucker and somebody was gonna have to get the motherfucking jaws of life to cut my ass out–on some Walter Hudson shit.

I mean, the turnstile at Mulcahy’s in Wantagh and the Nutty Irishman in Farmingdale are a little less intimidating, but whereas in the summer I could pass thru either with (relative) ease, nowadays there’s a bit more suspense involved.

Anyway, I hate that fucking turnstile, and I sure as shyte am not gonna fag out on nights with my friends because the turnstile wants a go at me.

An Open Letter to the Turnstiles at the Pubs I Frequent:

Dear Turnstiles at the Pubs I Frequent,

How are you? I am fine.

Alright, Listen up, you cold, metallic, eltitist shitheads: I’m sick of your shenanigans. I’m a good dude. I buy rounds for my friends when I’ve got the money. Heck, I buy rounds for my friends when I don’t have the money. Your job is to make sure people get into the bar and be counted, and be included. But, apparently, you are biased against the skinny-challenged of us. That’s a dick move, and if your boss finds out you’re excluding people with good money to use at the bar, your ass is FIRED with a capital FIRED.

I know it’s probably way nicer for you to have some skinny dude with nice abs pass thru you–heck, when I’m at the movies, I don’t want some ol’ free willy lookin’ ass ni**a trying to slide past ME to get to the loo, but I just stand up, lean back, and make sure they can pass with as little awkwardness or embarrassment as possible. I’M not gonna make some fatty fatty fat fat with a small bladder feel bad about wanting to sit in the middle of the row.

Also, between you and me, you’ve got the sweetest job in the whole place! (well, maybe not as sweet as Paul from Drop Dead Sexy, but riiight after him!) You have hundreds of girls (on a good nite) slide their bootys RIGHT UP AGAINST YOU! How does that not bring you joy?? Doesn’t that make you happy? Furthermore, wouldn’t you want to get rid of Dr. Beardhussein & the Rotund Rogues (ohhhhhh shit!–that’s a keeper!) as quickly as possible so you could get right back to the hotties–be they dude or chick hottie? Your actions say: No. I just enjoy being an asshole to tubbos.

Anyway, the point is, I do plan on losing enough weight to no longer fear you. Sure, you might make me a little nervous, but so does the motherfucking Cross Island Parkway–and I’ve learned that if I respect the Cross Island Parkway’s gangster, it’ll allow me safe passage. You, on the other hand, only know of disrespect–you turncoat turnstile–so quite disrespectfully I will happily drop enough weight to fit by you. And when I do, I’m going to fart on you.

Damn you, Turnstiles at the Pubs I Frequent.

Damn you to the cheating hell whence you came.

–Rey

***

Call Reynolds, Cuz it’s a Wrap.

Alright kids, that’s it for today. I’ll probably have some kinda year-end wrap-up special Saturday and Sunday. That should be fun.

Have a great weekend, and I hope everyone’s Christmas was muy bien.

–RTH

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5 Responses to “Fuckin’ Turnstiles”

  1. dam ur FAT Says:

    well stop being a fat fucking BLIMP….”THEY NEED TO HANDCUFF YOUR BIG ASS TO A TREDMILL” FAT FAT

    Editor’s Note– By “tredmill”, he means “treadmill”.

  2. The XFacta Says:

    It amazes me that people have this much to talk/type about.. I’m impressed (none)

  3. thoreauly77 Says:

    “dam ur fat” has impeccable writing skills. if u no wut i meen.

  4. reythehussein Says:

    ^^^^

    Oh, absolutely. He must’ve gone to school for…

    *holds up 3 fingers*

    …this many years!

  5. Marcus Says:

    This is amazing. Have you ever thought of doing a YouTube show or a paper column? You are GREAT!

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