Dr. Beardhussein Diagnoses Some Hip-Hop Fuckery
It’s 4:50 on the morning of Tuesday, January 8th, 2008. I’m in decent spirits. I just got done writing this story’s companion piece, 10 Songs That Make Me Proud of Hip-Hop, over at Alumnah.com. If you haven’t checked it out yet, you should do so.
Anyhoo, this should be a fun post with vivid imagery. I’m not putting any links to these songs because they’re all terrible–and most of them come from the last couple of years.
I’m a through-and-through Hip-Hop fan. I’ll always have respect and appreciation for the art form and those who can create such art with creativity and passion. However, there are definitely times when I can’t help but cringe at the fucked up awfulness of certain songs and certain artists.
I’m sure it’s nobody’s goal to make the worst song possible, but over the past couple of years I’m not 100% sure. At some point, somebody is going, “Yeah, this is good!”–whether it’s the execs or the artists.
So, given all that, here is your Uncle The Hussein’s list of 5 songs that make me shake my head at hip-hop and go running back to Fall Out Boy:
1- Soulja Boy, “Crank Dat”- I know, I know. Too easy. It doesn’t matter. This song is fucking terrible. The dance is merely the “Cotton Eye Joe” done up for young kids (both black and white–youngin’s of all races know shit about good music). The beat has a neat steel drum thing, I guess, but it’s Soulja Boy’s “rappin'” that I’m most offended by. I mean, not only does this idiot put together some stupid ass lyrics, but the mushmouthed bastard can’t even pronounce half the words. This guy’s enunciation makes T.I. sound like fucking Alex Trebec. Seriously, did black people need their own “Cotton Eye Joe” the way they needed the “Cha-Cha Slide” to be their “Electric Slide”? No disrespect.
2- MIMS, “This is why I’m hot”- “I can sell a mil saying nothing on a track”. No, No MIMS. All you can do is become a joke. Shit, just hearing the first verse helped me see you were a one-hit wonder coming from 10,000 miles away. Not to mention how disgusted I was that a rapper from Washington Heights NEW YORK did such a shameless Southern Swagger Jacking song. Awful. The best part of your whole friggin’ 15 minutes o’ fame was the acronyms people came up with for your name: MIMS: Music I Make Sucks and MIMS: Massa, I madea Song. (both courtesy of Icon aka Trillbert Arenas, NahRight regular and closet dork).
3- Dem Franchise Boyz, “Lean Wit’ It, Rock Wit’ It”- There are virtually no words to describe my loathing of “Snap Music”. I mean, sure, we got “Buy U A Drank” (an alltime guilty pleasure) out of it, but still.. Turning on the radio on March the fuck 9th and hearing that drivel made me hate Snap Music and the Radio forever and ever all in one swift move. Part of the southern culture or not, I’d be embarrassed as fuck if these guys were representing me. Oh, and we might as well group in D4L’s “Laffy Taffy” too–altho’ in a head-to-head awful-fest, D4L takes the win (loss?) because the beat for “Laffy…” sounded like two plastic spoons and a rubber band being put to atrocious use.
4- Chingy, “Right Thurr”- This was the song that made me stop using Nelly’s “err” slang. That makes me mad, because I liked using that slang. It confused my white friends that weren’t big into hip-hop and random rap catchphrases. No, Chingy’s wack ass killed that for us all. Plus, I was pissed off that in a time of recent war (spring/summer 2003), a rapper with a platform decided to issue in a horrible song with a mediocre beat based around a bit of slang ANOTHER RAPPER NOT ON HIS LABEL ushered in. Plus, Chingy actually landed on the cover of XXL that summer. That’s why I didn’t cry when XXL’s Editor In Chief Elliot “Yellow Ni**a (YN)” Wilson was fired today.
5- TIE! Hurricane Chris, “Ay Bay Bay” and Lil’ Boosie, “Wipe Me Down”- Let’s start with the latter, shall we? “Wipe Me Down” had to be the gayest song title ever, and I’m soooo glad it didn’t become a catchphrase. Shoulders, Shirt, Pants, Shoes? Fuck that. Ol’ Craig Mack lookin’ ass ni**a. This song was part of Hip-Hop’s Spring of Suck for the year 2007, and definitely, definitely gay sounding. As for “Ay Bay Bay”… Hurricane Chris needs to be smacked, maybe even violated, with a Wiffle Ball bat for it. First of all, the kid looked like Da Brat, only less manly. His voice was annoying, the beat was annoying, and the little kid echoing the “Ay Bay Bay”‘s in the background was annoying. Plus, “It’s so hot in the club, I ain’t got no shoes on” is probably the worst lyric in the history of recorded music. Seriously. “MacArthur Park” made more sense. Seriously. Click the link. Listen to “MacArthur Park” and listen to motherfucking “Ay Bay Bay” and tell me which one makes more sense.
Call Reynolds, Cuz it’s a Wrap
I’m sure I could’ve gone all morning (it’s 5:21am now) listing shitty rap songs without ever getting to the 1990s (1998-1999 No Limit would take a day by itself), but I’m tired.
Feel free to comment on the songs I’ve mentioned, as well as list other songs you think are terrible, in the Christopher Wallace Memorial Comments Section.
Thanks for checking in.
PS– News on Yung Ign’ant coming later on in the week!