Or: “Rachel Bilson Should Totally Hook Up With Me.”
It’s 6:25pm on Friday, January 11th. I haven’t updated in a couple of days so I figured I’d come on and say Hello.
I’m in a good mood, even if my father is being remarkably difficult about where dinner shall be tonite.
Anyway, let’s get to it.
It’s no secret that cute “girl next door” brunettes are my kryptonite. Show me a dark-haired pretty girl with nice eyes and a gentle smile and I’m friggin’ done.
So, in the spirit of that, here are some of Rey’s All Time Favorite Brunettes. It’s not the definitive list at all, but merely a trip through the annals of Rey’s Hall of Fame Brunettes:
1- Winnie Cooper (aka Danica McKellar): Ah, one of the first crushes in the life of Dr. Beardhussein. Winnie Cooper is, of course, from The Wonder Years, one of the more awesome shows about growing up and navigating Middle School (or Junior High) and High School. I followed Kevin Arnold’s romance with Winnie Cooper, but because I identified with Kevin, I could have totally seen myself with Winnie. She was sweet and cute, but also sad from her brother Brian dying in Vietnam (in the first episode), and her parents getting divorced. Just the right combination of cute and damaged–a recurring theme for me. In any event, she’s still hot, and I think only like 5 or 6 years older than me, which is awesome.
2- Kelly Kapowski (aka Tiffany Amber Thiessen): In the late 80’s and early 90’s, a 3-sided debate took place. People chose up sides and drew their line in the sand all over a little show called Saved by the Bell. You were either a Jessica Spano fan, a Lisa Turtle fan, or a Kelly Kapowski fan. While I would’ve definitely hooked up with Lisa, I tended to bounce back and forth between liking Jessie and liking Kelly. On the one hand, Jessie was tall, with perkier boobs that seemed a bit more prominent than Kelly or Lisa’s racks. Plus, Jessie had that dominant feminist nerd thing which you just knew translated into being awesome in bed. Kelly ended up winning my heart tho’. She was nice to the nerds and unfairly hot and could do no wrong. Well, right up until she cheated on Zack with the manager of the Max, “Jeff” (aka the pilot douchebag from Starshipt Troopers). Still, that was but a bump in the road and Zack’s lucky ass eventually married Kelly. Tiffany Amber Thiessen is a mega-hottie to this day, whether she’s blonde or brunette. She’s thick without being any kinda fat, and her face doesn’t have that hollowed-cheek look most hollywoodettes have. Tienes mi Corazon, Kelly Kapowski. Tienes mi corazon.
3- Sidney Prescott (aka Neve Campbell): Lemme tell you, I didn’t pay attention to Party of Five one little bit (despite the fact that it had 3–count ’em, 3–brunette hotties: Neve, Lacey Chabert, and Jennifer Love Hewitt on it), so it wasn’t until the first Scream movie came out that I saw Neve Campbell for the first time. I was hooked from jumpstreet. Sure, Rose Mcgowan was in the movie in all kinds of tight clothes, (not to mention very, very cold..*ahem*) but it was the brunette, sweet-voiced, befreckled heroine who rendered me smitten. I spent most of my summer of 1997 completely enamored with her and Scream, and when Scream 2 came out and she started showing up on magazine covers again, I was in my own little glory. By the time part 3 came into theaters I had moved on (to Katie Holmes, I think), but whenever I see something about Scream I look at Miss Campbell and drift awaaayyyy. and No, I’ve never seen Wild Things.
4- Katharine McPhee: Okay, first things first, while I am entertained occasionally by American Idol, I wouldn’t go as far as to say that I’m a fan. I like watching the auditions, and when there are about 6 people left, I usually watch from then on. However, during the 2006 competition I fell in love with one of the contestants: Katharine McPhee. Not only can this chick genuinely sing, not only is she a brunette with pretty brown eyes, but she’s so cute it should be illegal. BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE! She’s also got an awesome body on her. She’s not skinny, she’s got a little bit of a booty, and her rack is stellar like the big dipper, na mean? I had gone the previous 4 Idols without barely entertaining the thought of actually voting for somebody, but when I realized that voting for Katharine would mean that she’d be around, you better believed I voted my ass off for her. I don’t give a fuck how that sounds. I love this chick, and I would seriously lick chocolate frosting out of the crack of her ass. Get my fuckin’ TMI in the back.
5- Rachel Bilson: In the early fall of 2006 I was still strictly anti-Zach Braff. My exgirlfriend likes Garden State (why is beyond me), so therefore anything associated with that film had to be put on the “Fuck that shit” list. Mr. Braff was one of those casualties. However, when I was hanging out with this other chick, we found ourselves at the cinema, unsure of what to see. The only thing playing close to the time we arrived was Zach’s The Last Kiss. I ended up actually really liking the movie (a must see for people that have been thru relationship fuckery while simultaneously a must avoid for people that have been thru relationship fuckery) on it’s own, but it also introduced me to my latest objete de arte: Rachel Bilson. (my obsession with Scrubs came later–before I realized the awesomeness of Zach Braff–Garden State aside) I’m still totally smitten with this girl. She’s got the sweetness and freckles bits of Neve Campbell, the petiteness of Winnie, the sexiness of Katharine, and the “right under your nose hottie”ness of Tiffan(kell)y. I mean, I’m sure I’m just trippin’ off her hotness and her character from the movie, but I don’t really give a frick. This girl makes me wanna get a job, hit the gym, call my mom, clean my room, and be the best danged Uncle The Hussein I can be.
Oh, plus, she teamed up with Katharine for a picture, which is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. They’re not kissing, but they are standing next to each other, which is still f’n awesome:
Call Reynolds, cuz it’s a Wrap.
Well, there you have it. Just a few of the Brunette Cuties that get my heart pounding and my blood going. Hopefully this post keeps you guys entertained through the weekend. Keep on checking back at www.Alumnah.com for that good ish, and keep on marching, IATSoldiers.
Feel free to leave your own picks for Brunette Hotties in the Christopher Wallace Memorial Comments Section.
Back at it on Monday or Tuesday,