The homey WEB gets the first ever guest spot in It Ain’t That Serious History.
Daaammmn. Dude’s got some good beats and some good raps. I’m listening to his track, “Final Call”, and it’s awesome. Definitely the kinda song you put on in the whip during the summer and ride out to on a good day.
It’s a funny thing for me, “meeting” a fan of my writing. I post these little entries to inform, entertain, enlighten, and inspire, but once they’re up and the comments die down I just assume they go off into the InterWeb and that’s that.
However, the other day I checked out my MySpace mail and got a message from a reader who was just giving me props and keepin’ it moving. Now, I have no real ego about this stuff so I talked to him for a bit and dude turned out to be funny and clever–as well as an up’n’coming MC.
I read his most recent blog and I thought it was awesome. It’s a lot of fun and it fits right into what I try to do here at IATS as well as Alumnah. So, without further ado, here is Web with his entry. Give it a read and leave some comments for dude. I know you guys are gonna like it.
EPISODE 35: COOLEST OF THE MUSIC GUYS
*Brushes imaginary dirt off my shoulder*
Ok, I’m back in action. I haven’t written one of these in like a month and a half and yeah, I could say it’s because I’ve been crazy busy with the music stuff and preparing for my move (which is true). I could say that I’ve been travelling various 3rd world countries looking for babies for Angelina and Brad to adopt/kidnap. But the truth is, I just haven’t felt like bringing you guys into my world lately. I was suffering through a severe writer’s block, getting no more than 4-5 hours of sleep a night and just not generally feeling like being anywhere doing anything other than the music stuff. On that tip, everything’s been going beautifully. Networking and connecting with new people as usual. I’ve been easing up on the promotion aspect of things and focusing my energy on getting this pain in the ass album ready to go for summer. I can’t wait to finally get this fuckin thing out from under me. I sent 3 songs back into the studio with my producer Roswell to update the production so I don’t even know what the final version of the album is gonna sound like. Fuck. I can feel my blood pressure increasing as I write this so I’m just gonna stop here and move on to something else.
So to help me get out of the writer’s block I was going through for the past 3 months (YUP, 3 FUCKIN MONTHS!), I went back through my vast library of music and began looking for anything that could inspire me creatively. I came up with nothing of course, but I discovered the core of my coolness. I had this cathartic, egomaniacal moment where I looked at myself and said, “Holy shit, I’m pretty fuckin cool”. I like a lot of really cool music which, unbeknownst to me, has helped me over the past few years since being an emcee became un-cool back around 2001 (thanks myspace!). So today I’m gonna share this music with all of you in an effort to increase cool points across the globe.
If you’re like me then you’re a solid 6/10 and having cool music playing in the background when you’re anywhere definitely helps to increase those much needed cool points. Especially when you’re kickin it with that dime piece you’ve been working on for the past 3 weeks (by dime piece I mean a funny 6 or a super cool 8. Boring 10s need not apply). If you’re anything above a 6 then you probably wear tight shirts, man bags and hair gel and if that’s the case, please go fuck yourself. You’ve stolen all the girls that us 6s have bent over backwards trying to get with and then turned them into man haters and lesbians. You’re basically a neurotic bitch with a dick. Please stop reading this now. For all my 6s (and lower) out there, I’ve composed a list of songs to make you cooler. Also, since I’ve been joggin on my bloggin (kinda like slackin on your mackin or sippin on some sizzurp) I’ve uploaded all these songs to links so you can have them and use them to your advantage. Just click on the song title to get it. So now without further ado, I bring you…..
10 SONGS TO MAKE YOU COOLER
10) “THE GREAT GIG IN THE SKY”, PINK FLOYD- WARNING: If anybody in the room is stupid, they’ll complain that this song doesn’t have any lyrics and ruin the coolness of the song. Use this one with caution. If the people you’re with are up on their classic shit, they’ll get it immediately. This song is the illest interlude/non-song in history. Pink Floyd had this incredible way of setting up a mood and they kill it on this one. The chick in the background wailing still gives me chills up my spine after years of hearing this song at least once a week. This one isn’t party music but it works wonders in a relaxed environment. When I get a full band together I’m gonna open all my shows with this song.
Bonus points: Pink Floyd only paid the woman who sung in the background $70 for the session and she did it all in one take. Tell that story and then give the “fuckin mind-blowing” look.
9) “CAN’T YOU HEAR ME KNOCKING”, THE ROLLING STONES- Is there anybody cooler than The Rolling Stones? These guys should have died like 11 times but everytime GOD tried to take them out they were like, “Nah”. Then Mick Jagger did that crazy walk/dance thing he does and GOD was like, “Shit. He’s doing the crazy walk/dance thing again. I guess I’ll wait’em out”. I don’t care how many times Jay-Z does some cool shit (which happens a lot), he could NEVER touch Mick’s swagger. This joint is the song I imagine playing in the VIP room in heaven. When Osama Bin Ladin was talking about 72 virgins in heaven, he was right but he just didn’t mention that they’re all reserved for the fuckin Stones.
Bonus points: Play this song when rolling up to the club at full blast with all the windows down. Eventhough there’s 8 dudes packed into your ’89 camry, all the dimes outside will be like, “OH SHHHEEEEIIITTTT”.
8) “AIN’T NO FUN”, SNOOP (DOGGY) DOGG- “When I met you last night bay baaaaayyyyyyyy”. I don’t know if there’s a more memorable opening line to a song than that. This song is for when you’re at a party full of boring 10s that keep giving you the, “what’s HE doing here” look. As soon as it comes on just start singing along with everything you have. There’s something about Snoop that makes everybody act/walk/talk/think 10 times cooler than normal and now that this song has come on, you can officially not give a fuck. Dance around with your drink singing off key until it fades out. The world is yours for the next 3 1/2 minutes.
Bonus points: When Kurupt’s verse starts remove his name and put yours in (If PETER gave a fuck about a bitch, I’d always be broke), yell that shit out and stare at the chick with the biggest, fakest tits in the house
7) “BLACK BETTY”, RAM JAM- First of all, if you name your band “Ram Jam” you better be seriously fuckin cool. Secondly, I can’t figure out if this song is kinda racist or not. Either way, it’s still bananas. Anybody that can put the words, “Bam-a-lam” into a song REPEATEDLY is a genius. I tried once and I ended up just saying “Bam-a-lam” for 4 minutes. This song works best at parties but can really be applied to any situation. And eventhough it’s as rock’n’roll as it gets, even the most stubborn hip hop heads will dig the beat.
Bonus points: Do the “airdrums” during the crazy ass breakdown for ultimate coolness.
6) “STONE FREE”, JIMI HENDRIX- Jimi was the king of cool music. This song’s bassline is so fuckin slick that you almost slip into a coolness coma and the lyrics can make even the biggest outcasts (see: goth kids) look like Zack fuckin Morris. Go fuck yourself mainstream America, Jimi wasn’t down with you and neither am I. If you wanna look and think exactly like everyone else, go hang at the mall. Jimi’s in the building now and what he says goes. *b-boy stance*
Bonus points: If you play this at a party, you have to look directly at the chick you’ve been diggin on all night and sing along with Jimi when he says, “Turn me loose baby!” then bug the fuck out during the guitar solo.
5) “BIG POPPA”, NOTORIOUS B.I.G.- Biggie was not only one of the greatest emcees of all time, he was also a civil servant. He did what nobody could do before him. He made being a little (in my case) or a lot overweight the shit. This song is the pinnacle of that and to this day has made everybody with clogged arteries hold their heads up high. Before Biggie we were sucking in our stomachs and having to settle for BORING 5s, after Biggie we were walkin around in wife beaters and bagging dimes like our dicks were the secret to all of life’s questions. If you’re stocky, husky, obese or just a little outta shape, this song is your savior. When it comes on put one hand in the air and the other over your heart. Thanks Biggie, we love and miss you. RIP.
Bonus points: If you know this song is gonna be playing at whatever party you’re going to, you cannot say Diddy all night. You will refer to Sean Combs as Puffy. PERIOD.
4) “BLOODY WELL RIGHT”, SUPERTRAMP- I don’t care what anybody says, these dudes were fuckin ILL. They should be as revered as The Beatles or The Rolling Stones. If you ever get a chance to listen to their, “Crime Of The Century” album, DO IT. This song is the exactly what my music would sound like if I could play instruments. The keys in the beginning are fuckin incredible and the horns at the end cap off the perfect journey through coolness. Even hipsters are cool if they like this song.
Bonus points: Play this at full blast and drive around the city on a sunny day. I swear, you’ll feel like a trillion bucks. You also have to do the “slow-mo super cool jammin out face” when listening to this song.
3) “BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY”, QUEEN- This song is the backdrop for a classic scene from one of the coolest movies ever made (if you don’t know what I’m talking about then you deperately need to be cooler). Freddie Mercury set a whole new standard for recording vocals after this song and put himself in the history books as one of the greatest front men to ever grab a mic and rock the fuck out. Yeah he was gay, eccentric and out of his fuckin mind 99% of the time but nobody can deny how much of a genius he was. Queen are responsible for 3 of the most recognizable songs ever made (Bohemian Rhapsody, Champions and We Will Rock You) and THAT my friends is super cool.
Bonus points: Get your homies together and recreate the Wayne’s World scene for extreme coolness.
2) “SPIRIT IN THE SKY”, NORMAN GREENBAUM- I swear, I’ve known this song by heart since I was 5 (my dad was in a band and so as you can tell, my knowledge of classic rock is pretty thorough. No hip hop) but I had no idea who wrote and performed this song until like 2 years ago. This was Norman Greenbaum’s only hit song and rightfully so since this song is one of the coolest songs ever made. Every band you can imagine has stolen this bassline at some point in their career. I’ve heard many arguements from music purists over whether this song is meant to be satirical or literal, and since I’m not a loser who sits around and jerks off to The White Album, I don’t fuckin care. Norman Greenbaum was (or is. Is he still alive?) cool as shit.
Bonus points: Air guitar is a must on this one, it doesn’t matter where you are, you HAVE TO whip it out.
1) “COMPUTER LOVE”, ZAPP- This song is without question the definition of cool. Roger Troutman (and Peter Frampton, respectively) brought the muthafuckin ruckus with the vocoder. This joint is perfect for making any occasion cooler. It’s party music, sex music, driving music, cleaning music, doing my laundry music, beating the shit outta my neighbor who calls the cops whenever my friends come over music, drinking music, it works for all of that. Roger Troutman was the GOD of cool. Any mention of T-Pain in the same sentence as Zapp will cause the entire universe to collapse. Roger could actually sing and he used the vocoder just to makes us all bug out. I don’t smoke weed on the regular, but when I do, “Computer Love” is like my own personal cadillac of intoxicated goodness. I’ve literally laid on my couch for 3 hours after smoking a blunt with this song on repeat. It’s the Jedi Knight of coolness.
Bonus points: Find the version with Michel’le on it for maximum coolness. If you can’t get it, just click the song title. There you go.
Album Of The Night: Supertramp, Crime Of The Century
Best Song: Asylum
Call Reynolds, Cuz it’s a Wrap.
Alright kids, there ya go. I hope you enjoyed Web’s post, as well as his music suggestions. Sheeit, you better believe I’m making a CD with all of them tracks on it like to-nite.
Comments, Questions, Critiques, and Zesty Lo-Cal Chicken Recipes can be left below in the Christopher Wallace Memorial Comments Section. Don’t forget to check out dude’s music page!
Thanks for checking in,