Greatest. Guy Movie. Ever.

armageddon

Oh yes it is.

It’s 11:25am on Thursday, June 5th, 2008. I’m in good spirits. Also, I’m in hungry spirits.

It’s Go Time.

So I had me a job interview today, and when it was over I came home to discover Pop Dukes watching Armageddon. I gotta admit, I love this movie. Back in 1998, the movie I was looking forward to the most was…*sigh*…Godzilla.

Look, we didn’t know Godzilla was gonna suck. We didn’t know Matthew Broderick was gonna lead a parade of horrible actors down Wooden Hack Lane. We didn’t know the creature itself was gonna look like an iguana on steroids. We didn’t know it’s babies were gonna look like the 99 cent store version of the T-Rex’s from Jurassic Park. WE…JUST…DIDN’T…KNOW! And, since we’re at it, I was looking forward to that flick like crazy, as my brother Road Noogy Noog and I used to have Godzilla marathons when we were younger, eating chinese spare ribs and seeing ‘Zilla kick ass. In fact, I was looking sooo forward to this stinkfest that I actually blew off The Mile Run part of the physical fitness test my senior year in High School. Aaannnd, in the Brentwood School District, if you don’t run the mile…you don’t pass gym. If I didn’t pass gym, I wouldn’t have graduated. So, to tally that all up, I almost didn’t graduate high school…for Godzilla.

So the summer of 1998 progressed, and Armageddon came out, and I dug it from jump street. Let’s go thru the awesomeness piece by piece:

Cast of Characters- Like good sports flicks, Armageddon had a bunch of cool characters with good senses of humor and unflappable heroism. Bruce Willis’ “Harry Stamper” was the Alpha-Male leader of the group. He kept his group in line and helped reign in the wackiness. Ben Affleck’s “A.J.” was the young, good lookin’ [||] rebel who was crazy-brave. Michael Clarke Duncan’s “Bear” was, well, a bear. He’s f’n enormous. Steve Buscemi’s “Rockhound” absolutely stole the movie with his random comments and insanity. A young Owen Wilson provided some levity. Will Patton’s character of “Chicke” was the former screw up trying to do good by his son and his exwife (played by the legendary Judith Hoag aka Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle 1’s April O’Neil). Russian Cosmonaut “Lev” was hilarious.┬áBilly Bob Thornton’s “Truman” is the voice of reason on the ground, and Liv Tyler’s “Gracie” had the role of Harry’s daughter–the hottie.

Special Effects- CGI was totally used for this, but there are still a ton of miniatures used in the flick, and they were combined to make SFX that hold up really well, even 10 years later. Asteroids flying throughout New York, Shanghai, and Paris and blowing shit up was hella realistic and definitely satisfying.

The Michael Bay Factor- Look, I know people look at Michael Bay as all show and no go, but fuck that shit. M dot Bay makes some great looking, gripping movies. If you’re one of these artsy fuckers, you have no business being in a theater showing a Michael Bay flick. I like the rich colors, the sentimental and heroic music, the spin-around camera angles. He makes movies that make people leave the theater going, “Yeah! Woooo!”. Like the commercial says, Michael Bay demands things to be AWESOME, and that’s what he does. Remove thy stick from thine ass, and enjoy the show.

The Guyness- The year before Armageddon dropped, we had Titanic come out and the world was flooded with estrogen. Armageddon took some of the same elements and Guy’d them up. That’s what I thought then and what I think now. Love story? Check. Impending doom? Check. Only difference is, Titanic was a true story and had to be sad (the stick it in and break it off love story didn’t help), but Armageddon was a meeting of, “You know what’d be cool?”. So what do we do? We go up, and we kick an asteroid’s ass. We blew it right the fuck up and when it was all said and done, lives were lost, blood was spilled, heroes revealed themselves, and The Forces of Good had triumphed. (oh, and since we’re at it: “Don’t wanna miss a thing” > “My heart will go on”, even tho’ Celine Dion is gangsta)

Quotables- This movie has so many terrific lines and potential-catchphrases that it’s almost unfair. Don’t believe me? Check ’em out.

Intangibles- As long as you’re not one of these indie movie, Cohen brothers, Wes Anderson movie dicks, you can watch Armageddon with your friends and pick out who would be Harry, who would be AJ, and who would be Bear. You can walk the hero walk in slow motion and get chills during the President’s speech. You can feel your pulse pound when it looks like Harry and his Roughnecks are gonna get F’d in the A by the gubment towards the end. You cheer when AJ shows up when all looks lost. You shed tears when Bruce Willis pushes Affleck back thru the airlock and sacrifices himself so that the asteroid can be blown up and the others can leave. It’s a movie that helps guys get caught up in friendship, loyalty, romance, and heroism.

Basically, it’s the Greatest Guy Movie ever, and it’s fantastic every time.

Call Reynolds, Cuz it’s a Wrap.

The funny part is that I had a completely different post in mind when I logged on, and this one just sorta came out. What does that mean? Sheeit, it means you’ll be getting another post mooost likely this weekend.

As always, comments, questions, critiques, and “Liv Tyler could get it” remarks can be left below in the Christopher Wallace Memorial Comments Section.

Thanks for tuning in,

–RTH

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9 Responses to “Greatest. Guy Movie. Ever.”

  1. T DOT Says:

    And Liv Tyler at her yummiest…

    Lets not forget.

  2. thoreauly77 Says:

    um, i think i fall into the wes anderson, cohen brothers category of being a dick. oh well. bay, cohens and anderson are all completely different things, and make movies for probably some similar base reasons (entertainment), but different personal reasons (e.g. bay obviously must have a small pecker, anderson has family issues, and the cohens are obsessed with murder). all in all armageddon is pure, mindless fun… exactly what it is intended to be. and for that — kudos bay, and kudos rey.

    my vote for best guy movie ever? The Outsiders!!

  3. Zig Says:

    Damn right. I love this movie.

    although the ‘bell commercial for godzilla was good.

    I think i need a bigger box.

  4. reythehussein Says:

    lol… I miss your Godzilla cupholder, Ziggarino.

    @ T-Dot: Yeah man, Liv was super-hot there. I’ve dug her since the “Crazy” video.

  5. Busta Move Says:

    Leaving on a jet plane dont know when i’ll be back again…

    Not the best guy movie eva..IMO.. But it’s still a good watch..

    What it be Rey??

    4 days till spring break…lol

  6. Mark Twain Fame Says:

    okay I think I can agree with this…prob not number 1, but top 5 easily.

    Transformers is goin in that Top 5, The Good the Bad the Ugly, Oceans Eleven, more if I had more time to think.

    great characters, action, cgi graphics, awesome music and camera angles (by the way most of that is a mixture of M Bay and the incredible but dogged often Jerry Bruchemier, Jerry B is the King of non stop action sequences mixed with awesome music, and crazy slow mo camera angles, see bad boys 1 & 2, enemy of the state, etc etc).

    also die a thousand deaths that involve a poolstick, a medical stapler, and a bucket of acid for this – “Celine Dion is gangsta” NEVER EVER SIR!
    she is not gangster, gangsta, wavy, full of chutpah, swagged up, dope, or anythign else involving in her being stated as exceptable or cool. I’m sorry but no.

  7. reythehussein Says:

    @ Thor– That’s definitely the right way to look at it.

    @ Busta– Life is beautiful, homey. Still doing job interviews, but I’m happier than I’ve been in years and years.

    @ MTF– Cosign Bruckheimer. Dude makes great popcorn movies. Transformers was fucking incredible, but it fails the, “Can you and your buddies decide who is who” test. As for Celine, sorry man. I’m a fan. She has a great voice and some good songwriters working with her. Some stuff is a bit much, but I still like more C dot Dion songs than I like Lil’ Wayne songs.

  8. Mark Twain Fame Says:

    great comparison smartass…

    celine dion vs the weasel

    c’mon of course im gonna have to side with…nobody.

  9. EnglandRepresent Says:

    Best guy flick???????????? The Business. Busta knows what I’m talkin about.

    Bigs up Rey

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