Dr. Beardhussein Prescribes A Guide To Chick Flicks.
You’d think I’d have learned not to eat an entire Dominos pizza, but nooo. I’m a stupid glutton, and this “Oh my goodness, I might actually puke this time” feeling is fucking horrible.
It’s 10:26pm, and I’m in good (but stupid full) spirits. This blog has been rolling around for a while and I’m feeling inspired.
Back when I was dating “Amy”, and for a bit afterwards, I must’ve seen every friggin’ chick flick/romantic comedy that came along. Seriously. I saw everything from Two Weeks Notice to Moulan Rouge and eventually became a bit of a Rom-Com connoisseur.
The main thing I learned is that there is a difference between a Romantic Comedy and a Chick Flick. I’ve seen clunkers on both sides, and I’ve decided that I’m gonna share my knowledge with you guys. First up, here are the good ‘uns from both categories.
Jerry Maguire- This flick has gotta be my favorite romantic comedy. Tom Cruise delivers a classic performance as a sports agent that suddenly develops a conscious. Renee Zellweger is his woman and Cuba Gooding Jr. is his friend. I know you all know the catchphrases: “Who’s coming with me?”, “You complete me”, and “SHOW ME THE MONEY!”, but there’s so much more to this flick. Tom Cruise really does a great job transforming from cynical, closed off sports agent to genuinely compassionate and loving human being. Renee Zellweger is still cute here, as this movie was before she had her face permanently stuck in the “Who Farted?” look. Cuba steals the flick as Arizona Cardinal Wide Receiver Rod Tidwell. Jay Mohr and Kelly Preston round out the cast playing the snarky protege and hot former fiancee respectively. Oh, plus, K dot Preston gets n-a-k-e-d. Jerry does have chick flickish elements, but they’re within reason, and the sports stuff and humor in the movie make it enjoyable for a guy to sit thru it.
What Woman Want- Before Mel Gibson went anti-semite drunk, dude was Hollywood’s “It” guy for years. 2001’s WWW was his foray into romantic comedies. See, this one straddles the line between chick flick–Bee Tee Dubs, the difference between chick flick and romantic comedy is that a chick flick contains fantastical, preachy elements that lonely or jilted girls think up on their 2nd glass of wine. Stuff that no guy would ever say, or, more accurately, no guy they’d actually get with would ever say. Rom-Com’s, on the other hand, are just that. Humorous movies that revolve around a romance between one or more couples. Anyway, WWW has Mel Gibson in the height of his cool playing a womanizer who, after suffering an electric shock, gains the ability to read women’s thoughts. He, of course, uses his newfound power for his own advantage (rom-com), but then realizes that’s shallow and uses his ability to better understand women (chick flick). We get a hot Marisa Tomei in the movie, and Helen Hunt (his objete d’art) looks definitely doable. It’s got it’s really humorous moments before the sappy bits at the end, and is worth the look.
Love Actually- This is actually british flick, and it’s definitely a romantic comedy. Fellas, if your woman wants a Rom-Com nite and this is an option: Pick it. It’s got some great humor, some super-hot chicks, and while being genuinely lovey dovey, it doesn’t crossover into annoyingly sappy territory. The movie follows like 4 or 5 couples throughout various stages of dating from courtship thru marriage, and like I said, it’s british, so the humor is intelligent.
Definitely, Maybe- I dug the fudge outta this flick, and not just cuz of the Ryan Reynolds rule (a subsidiary of the Samuel L. Jackson rule–look it up, I’m too lazy to link tonite). The story is about Ry-Rey (yeah, I did) telling his daughter the story of how he met his mother (um, no awesome CBS sitcom), only it involves 3 different women, and she’s gotta guess who it is. The three chicks are played by Isla Fisher (Wedding Crashers’ stage five clinger), Elizabeth Banks (Scrubs’ Kim and The 40 Year Old Virgin’s Beth), and Rachel Weisz, (The Mummy’s Evie) and are all lovely eye-candy. Ry-Rey’s pretty much Ry-Rey as usual, but his act here is still fresh enough to not go, “Okay, so Van Wilder has a kid?”. I liked this movie, and, Fun Fact, it was made by the same people what made Love Actually.
Made of Honor- This movie actually just came out last month. It got panned by the fuckin’ critics, but I gotta admit, it ended up being really good. Patrick “Grey’s Anatomy” Dempsey (and fuck that shit, he’ll always be Ronald from Can’t Buy Me Love to me) is a solid lead despite the fact that I was set to hate him cuz I’m on Fuck Grey’s status for life. He plays a dude who has all kindsa rules about dating to keep him from being in a relationship, but when his best friend–the hot Michelle Monaghan–goes away to Scotland for six weeks, he realizes how much he loves her. Only thing is, she comes back engaged. The movie’s ending is definitely Chick Flick, but the middle of the movie is total Rom-Com. Dempsey’s obligatory guy friends (including Kadeem “Dwayne Wayne” Hardison–yesssss!) are funny, and I felt that they handled the situation with the scottish fucker (no offense Busta) in ways he would be handled in real life. It’s a shame this movie was dumped from theaters so quick, but when it comes out on DVD, ya’ll should take a look.
Okay, so those were the good ones. Like I said, I’ve also seen some clunkers. These Rom-Coms and Chick Flicks were all lacking in the quality department for one reason or another, and these are the ones you should avoid, word to The Noid.
Here we go:
Runaway Bride- Me and “Amy” saw this movie on our first “date nite” (we had dinner and saw movies a bunch, but we’re talkin’ cloth napkins and the whole shebang–a big deal when one is 18 and making $5.50 an hour). This flick…was not good. I dug Pretty Woman, but man, just throwing Richard Gere and Julia Roberts together in a movie does not another Pretty Woman make. This one was super-annoying at times with stupid characters, and it was also f’n loooong. For the life of me, I can’t remember one good thing about this movie. Oh, and since you were bound to ask, no, I didn’t get any after sitting thru this.
The Wedding Planner- Now, I dig Matthew Mick-conna-hay. He kicked ass in A Time To Kill, so I thought he’d bring the same charisma and humor to this one. Um, He didn’t. None that I can recall, anyway. Jennifer Lopez had just dropped her J.Lo album and “Love don’t cost a thing” was huuuuge, but this was her first in an epic streak of clunkers. This one wasn’t nearly as long or annoying as the above flick, but I just remember the characters being soooo stupid. That’s the thing about chick flicks and rom-coms. If the characters are too stupid to be together, or the big “Oh No! Something went unexpectedly wrong and only a speech at the airport can save them!” moment is too unforgiveable to suspend disbelief when it is forgiven, I just can’t dig it. Yes, Jennifer Lopez’s ass was epic, but the rest of the movie was cloying tripe.
Save The Last Dance- This was total chick flick. Like, for real. Skinny, small-boobed white girl makes friends in hip negro school, dates black guy, auditions for Juliard…*barf*. This was definitely thought up by some white chick who took a hip-hop dance class once and wondered why the black girls laughed at her when she busted out with “The Running Man”. The only decent part of the movie was the cool freestyle I thought up during the instrumental part of Julia Styles’ Juliard audition, and even that was offset by the 1997 slang being used in this 2001 production. No. Thanks. Fun Fact: My buddy The Goat had to see this movie twice in the same day, or two days in a row or something thanks to his girlfriend–and no, he never got any either from that chick.
What Happens in Vegas- Yep, I saw this too. DTMJ is the second-in-command at the movie theater by us, so I see whatever I want for free. This one suffered from the “Can’t suspend disbelief” problem. I mean, I can accept talking robots that turn into cars, a Mac being used to disable a spaceship, or 58 year old Rocky Balboa going 12 rounds, but I couldn’t accept that Ashton Kutcher and Cameron Diaz could be that fucked up and dysfunctional and then stillll get together at the end. Mind you, I didn’t hate this flick–it definitely had it’s moments–but it was quite a stretch. Plus, for some reason, I can’t stand Cameron Diaz. She really, truly annoys the living fuck outta me. Maybe it’s cuz she’s pushing 40 and still prancing around like she’s 22. Maybe it’s cuz she used to be Cuban and is now hispanic in last-name only (ie Christina Aguilera). Either way, she bugs me.
My Best Friend’s Wedding- Oh. My. Goodness. This movie is like the fuckin’ guidebook for neurotic, timid, stupid girls everywhere. It came out sometime in 1997 and immediately infected some of the girls I know with Neurotic, timid, stupidity. I can’t even recall most of the movie, only that Julia Roberts played a fuckin’ moron and stayed doing moron things. Ugh. Oh, and fun fact: This was the last movie that Cameron Diaz was cuban in. Fuck. This. Movie.
Call Reynolds, Cuz it’s a Wrap.
Alright kids, that’s it for today. I’m sure my copious amounts of street cred will be drained for writing this particular entry, but I think of it this way: If everyone who reads these blogs are sooo women savvy, they’ve probably had to sit thru Rom-Coms or Chick Flicks on multiple occasions–be it a relationship obligation or a pandering attempt at getting some booty. Sooo, yeah. Use the knowledge I dropped. You’ll be glad you did.
As always, comments, critiques, questions, and any chick flicks or Rom-Com’s you guys dig (I can’t believe I left Hitch off the good one list!) can be left below in the Christopher Wallace Memorial Comments Section.
Thanks for tuning in,