Dr. Beardhussein Prescribes Some Single-Life Satire
So I’m watching Scrubs and it’s the episode where JD and Julie get together. Yep, Zach Braff and Mandy Moore. True, JD and Julie break up the next episode, and Zach and Mandy didn’t last long after that in their real-life relationship, but it’s still juuuust mushy enough to make me get that longing going.
Sooo, in honor of that, I’ve decided to go in the complete opposite direction and list 50 reasons why being single is Mega Awesome.
Suck it, Happy Couples!
50 Reasons Why Being Single is Mega Awesome
1- I can go to the movies and have both of the armrests to myself. No awkward arm around the back of her seat for me!
2- I save money on Valentine’s Day, Anniversaries, and Christmas! Yep, that’s extra dough in my pocket for mega awesome single activities!
3- Getting that “just home from work” back/foot rub would be a pain. I mean, come on, can’t a brotha just come home and enjoy being all sore from work?
4- Sometimes it’s nice knowing that guaranteed sex just isn’t in the cards. That’s a lotta pressure! She’s all “Hey, you wanna do it?” and I’m all like, “Dang, can’t I just masturbate angrily to internet porn??”
5- Kissing someone good nite is just The Man’s way of keeping us puerto-cubans down. Like some kind of smoochy sleep tax!
6- Being expected to be bathed and groomed all the time is too much. My father doesn’t mind my scruff, my dog doesn’t mind my scruff, and if I stink, it’s just an olfactory way of letting me know I diiiid something!
7- My full name is for filling out job applications, not for hearing screeched at a high volume when I’m in trouble!
8- Hey, relax toilet seat, you can stay up as long as you want. I’ll move you when I’m danged good and ready.
9- No need to hide/get rid of my magazines! Shit, I’ll leave porn out on the kitchen counter if I want. I’ll leave my Maxims in the bathroom, thankyouverymuch.
10- No inlaws! The last thing I need is some group of strangers buying christmas gifts for me, or inviting me to parties where free food and booze are in the hizzouse. I see thru that, McGarnigle!
11- There’s nothing quite as exhilirating as filling out surveys and putting “chronically single” when they ask the “are you taken” question. Man, that never gets old.
12- Fuck Khakis.
13- I don’t know about you guys but I love being the third, fifth, or seventh wheel. It says, “Yep, that’s right, I got the pity invite to an outing featuring the CoupleTown All Stars–and I’m okay with it!”
14- My house. My remote. I’m watching a “Gilmore Girls” rerun because I want to, not cuz I have to.
15- I can announce when any girl is hot whenever I want and never, ever have to sweat the ramipercussions.
16- I can tune into WWE’s Monday Nite Raw and never hear these four words: “But isn’t it fake?”.
17- I don’t know who the fuck “Heidi Montag” is and I’m proud of it.
18- “Hey Rey, wanna ____ on ____ at ___ o’clock?” Pff, shit yeah I do, and I don’t need to “check in” or “run it by” anyone but me, myself, and yours truly.
19- Orange shirt, black shorts, light brown moccasins with a backwards hat? High fashion!
20- At some point, Danny’s arm is gonna need some kind of physical therapy to counteract the hours and hours of rubbing Mrs. Herp’s back, arm, and shoulder. Me? I can just blame the carpal tunnel on the blogging.
21- Yeah, sure, slow dancing is awesome…but…um…this way…I… Pff, slow dancing is for weenies!
22- I don’t have the recurring nightmare where I’m with a group of friends, making a joke, and all of the sudden here the dreaded seven words of Fun Death: “I can’t believe you just said that”.
23- If I’m out and about and holding a purse, it’s of my own free will, and it matches something I’m wearing. (that’s a “guy stuck holding the purse” joke)
24- 1pm- Arrive at mall. 1:05pm- Enter store. 1:12pm- Acquire item. 1:14pm- Leave store with item paid for. 1:18pm- Exit mall.
25- Couples dance at wedding? You mean “Rey goes back to the open bar” dance!
26- Sometimes hearing the words, “I’d rather be friends” doesn’t rip your heart out and spit on it.
27- I can go out with a different girl every nite, have inventive non-committal sex, avoid entrapment via female, and have a series of wacky adventures with my fellow single bros…in theory.
28- Whilst driving, I can leave the radio on my station and not have to hear “Get Busy”, “Bring me to Life”, or “Ignition (remix)” each of the 254 times they play them per day on Top 40 radio. (sorry, 2003 gripe)
29- Sometimes it’s nice to take a long drive and have my right hand free for flipping the bird instead of having to hold some dumb ol’ girl’s hand.
30- Making out at the nutty with a cool song playing in the background, not giving a dang who’s watching sounds mega awesome, but you know what is also mega awesome? Uhh… Lightsabres. Ha!
31- Cold feet on me in bed? Thing of the past!
32- Spooning Shmooning!
33- Sleeping alone means I can s-t-r-e-t-c-h out!
34- Those little TV trays are built for one. I can’t just couple up, get a table, and ignore them, can I? We’ve bonded!
35- I can root for The Guy when I see a chick flick.
36- Long walks on the beach sound romantic, but it’s all sandy and windy and loud and junk. F that!
37- The embarrassment of consistently buying condoms is hardly worth the intense, erotic, bed-spring ruining sex.
38- I dunno about you guys, but I think buying drinks for random girls only to get nowhere is just another way of feeling alive!
39- Making booty CDs should be about the music!
40- At some point, every girl will make a guy buy sweaters. Fuck sweaters.
41- Hey, listen, I know we’re at Dave and Buster’s having a nice time and all, but if you wanna play Air Hockey against me, you will get your ass whooped. I’m not throwing the game. That’s just how I roll, babe.
42- I don’t need to light candles and make the bed to enjoy some quality time with my Manos: Hands of Fate.
43- Going months or years between sexual encounters just proves how Gangster I am.
44- Showing off a hot girlfriend to the guys would just make them all jealous and junk. It’s much better to roll solo and preserve their bubble.
45- Double dates are just secret traps for girls to make fun of us over the course of dinner with a tag team partner.
46- If I wasn’t single, how could I hear my grandparents ask me why a nice guy like me doesn’t have a girlfriend every single phone call?
47- The women outnumber the men in my family like 3-1. I can’t help their cause.
48- Girls use a ton of toilet paper. Don’t gimme that look. You know it’s true.
49- The idea of some girl bringing me lunch at work just gives me the willies.
50- Buttofuoco, Buttofuoco, Buttofuoco! (that one was for Mario)
Anyone wanna add to the list? Feel free!
It’s Go Time.