Let’s Get Silly.

Dr. Beardhussein gets a little wacky.

I posted this on my personal MySpace blog a couple of minutes ago and I thought it was amusing enough for you guys to enjoy. Some of it is inside jokey and you might not get it, but I think it’s still funny enough to be worth your time.

Enjoy.

“Good Afternoon, Ladies and Gentleman. Thank you for making your way to this Hooters location here in Islandia, New York. We’ve gathered here today for a special announcement from the Democratic Presidential Nominee, Mr. Barack Obama. So, without further ado, here is the next President of the United State, Mr. Barack Obama!”

Obama: “Thank you, Thank you. Recently there has been a lot of speculation as to who my running mate in this coming November’s Presidential Election will be. I considered many promising candidates from both Democrat and Republican backgrounds. Ultimately though, I decided that I needed to break the mold of the past and pick a Vice President who had nothing to do with the current political machinery in place.”

“I picked a Vice President with integrity. I picked a Vice President who isn’t afraid of the tough issues. I picked a Vice President who will tell it like it is. I picked a Vice President who, should I not be able to fulfill my duties as President…”

*giggle in background*

“Ahem. As I was saying, should I not be able to fulfill my responsibilities as President, this individual will steer the country in the right direction. It is my distinct pleasure to introduce to you, the next Vice President of these United States, Mr. ReyTheHussein!”

*loud questions and rabble from assembled press corp*

Rey: “Thank you, Mr. President. Thank you, assembled media. Thank you, India. Thank you, Paris. Thank you, disillusionment. Thank you, Krista’s friend Tiffany Who Totally Made Out With Me At My Ready To Live Record Release Party. Thank you, Bob Smith for being my lackey for a few years. Thank you, Meechelle for keeping me company on Terrible Cinema Tuesday. Thank you all.”

“I know that to you guys, I’m just some fat kid that couldn’t be bothered to shave for this press conference. And I’m sure you’re wondering why I’m the Vice Presidential Nominee. First things first, I will read off my qualifications. 1- I am a former owner, superstar, and champion of the illustrious W.S.W.F. backyard wrestling organization. I pretty much ran shit in the Brentwood High School Drama Club back in ’97 and ’98. I threw awesome parties, and I’ve made out with 24 girls at press time. It was I who allowed the alliance to learn the location of the shield generator, and I shot J.R.”

“This country needs change. This country needs someone it can believe in. This country needs a Vice President who likes chicken wings. Oh, and speaking of which, I’m gonna need a side of hot sauce. But! More importantly, this country needs a Vice President who will bring in his own Secretary of Awesomeness. I am such a Vice President, and we have such a Secretary. Ladies and Gentleman, Yahoos and Hotties, Vanessa, who probably still won’t make out with me even tho’ I’m a totally excellent kisser, I introduce to you the first ever United States of America Secretary of Awesomeness, Mr. Joe Turk”

*more rabble from the press*

Joe: “Anybody wanna beer?”

Rey: “Dude, it’s like 1p in the afternoon.”

Joe: “Oh, my bad. Anyone wanna lite beer?”

Rey: “That’s better.”

Joe: “Right, so, like my friend Rey says, Americans need change. Not change of a dollar, change of clothes, or change of oil, but an influx of new legislation designed to open up communication amongst American citizens. An influx of *burp* Sorry, lite beer gives me the Flubs. An influx of legislation designed to help sort of even up the odds for day to day citizens living day to day lives. What Mr. Vice President and I will do now, is read a list of new rules and laws we are going to propose the moment we get into office.”

Reporter from CW11: “This is ridiculous! Senator Obama, surely you can’t be serious!”

Rey & Joe (in unison): “He is serious! And don’t call him ‘Shirley’!”

*high fives exchanged*

Joe: “Anyone wanna beer?”

*reporter from Fox News takes beer*

Rey: “So like Mr. Secretary of Awesomeness Turk was saying, here are the new laws. Law number 1: The Hottie Reparation Act.”

Reporter from My9: “The Hottie Reparation Act? What is that?”

Rey: “I’m glad you asked. Here’s the deal. Back in Ought Five I kinda dated/hooked up with this chick Melissa, and she’s pretty much the hottest girl I’ve ever hooked up with. She had the ill rack, nice hips, she was pretty with nice eyes, and she was amazing at everything but kissing. You know, booty-wise. Anyway, she completely spoiled me! Do you know how hard it’s gonna be for me to accept a chick I should be with? Like, really hard!”

Joe: “You said ‘hard’.”

*Joe & Obama exchange high fives*

Rey: “So what I propose is this, Any girl that was way, way hotter than a dude she dated/slept with for a while should be held accountable for the inflated standards homely dude will now be employing. This poor guy–Guys like me–is gonna pass up some decent girls because he thinks he can pull another Mega-Hottie. Said Original Mega-Hottie should’ve known better than to alter this guy’s world, and should therefore have to sleep with this guy once every six months until he is broken of this curse. Poor guy’s got hormones, wacked out standards, and it’s not fair that he masturbate…”

*increased rabble from reporters*

Rey: “HEY! I’m talkin’ here! This poor bastard shouldn’t have to be cursed to replaying the best booty he’ll ever get while driving down the Carpal Tunnel! Mega-Hotties must be held accountable for their slumming, or their sympathy!”

Reporter from CNN: “This is preposterous!”

Joe: “Look, we’re not talking about dinosaurs, here. This is good legislation. The second rule we’re looking to enact is the Waste Of Time Relationship Early Warning System, or ‘WOTREWS’ for short. What I have proposed along with Senator Obama and Vice President Rey is a mandatory insignia to be placed on those people who have at least 3 jilted exes what didn’t deserve the jilting. For guys, it’s a stylish black vest that has the word ‘DOUCHEBAG’ emblazoned on the front, with testimonials from women he’s hurt on the back. For girls, it’s also a vest, but they can choose between a red, black, pink, or white vest–depending on what they’re wearing.”

Reporter from MSNBC: “What will the women’s vests say?”

Joe: “I’m glad you asked. Right now we’re debating between ‘F**KING CRAZY!’ and ‘CRAZY BITCH’, with testimonials from 3 guys she’s hurt on the back. Also, the words on the vests will light up, and occasionally blink when the offending girl or guy starts denying that they need the vest in the first palce.”

Rey: “Next up…”

Reporter from NBC: “Senator Obama, do you really think that this Vice President, his Secretary of Dude, and these crazy laws will enamor you to the public?”

Joe: “Whoa! I’m the Secretary of AWESOMENESS. That’s the Secretary of Dude.”

*Danny waves*

Obama: “I’ll take that question. Oh, and thanks for the passes Dan.”

Danny: “No problem!”

Obama: “These fine young gentleman represent a lost America. An America that has overlooked guys that just want to have fun without being all MTV Stupid. We have programs for so many things, but we’re leaving out the middle class guys. Tell me, don’t you think America should start being kind to it’s well-meaning Yahoos?”

Reporter from NBC: “Well, No, I…”

Obama: “That’s what I thought. Gentleman, continue.”

Rey: “Thanks Obi. Folks, we’ve got one more law that we’re going to put in effect before we have to go.”

Reporter from ABC: “What? Where are you going? This is huge news!”

Joe: “Dude, you need a beer. DAN! HEY DAN! YOU WANT A BEER TOO?”

Danny: “Yeah buddy!”

*Joe tosses Danny a beer, Danny catches beer and opens it with one hand, rubbing Mrs. Herp’s back the whole time*

Rey: “As I was saying, we’ve gotta git, cuz Secretary of Coccoon Rock Pool Eh, Steve! Oh, and don’t fuck up dude’s name, either. It’s E-H COMMA S-T-E-V-E EXCLAMATION POINT. Anyway, he’s throwing a party and we’re not missing it. The last piece of legislation we’ll be introducing after Obama totally whoops McCain’s ass in November…”

Reporter from Fox News: “John McCain’s numbers are increasing every day, Polls are–”

*Ziggy and Bob Smith put pillowcase over reporters head, drag him out of Hooters*

Rey: “Jeez, it’s like a friggin’ circus in here–No, Joe, I don’t want a beer!”

*Joe returns to background, flirts with Hooters girl*

Rey: “The last law that we’re proposing is something we’ve called Order 645, and we’re all very excited about it. Order 645 is…”

*Mario runs in*

Mario: “RT! Joe! I’ve just come back from the future! You’ve won the election, your laws have been passed, and Order 645 is the most amazing law ever! Now get some wings and let’s go to Eh, Steve!’s!”

*End Transcript*

***

Okay kids, that’s it for this installment–or is it?? I need YOU, my loyal lurking and commentating public to tell ME what you think Order 645 should be. Think up something important, or wacky, or completely ridiculous, and leave it in the comments section.

Enjoy your Monday, and thanks for checking in.

It’s Go Time!

–Rey

***

The next installment of the Summer Movie Review series will probably come this week. I’ve been slacking on my blog pimping because the music bug has gotten to me and my creative energies have been focused there. Sooo, whilst I’ll still post when the mood strikes, working on m’third album will be where I’s be at.

Anyone that wants to keep in touch during my latest sabbatical can holla at me @ reythehussein@gmail.com, or if you’re cool enough to not spread my personal business around the internet, send me a friend request for the myspace @ http://www.myspace.com/reythejedi

Hope all is well with my IATSoldiers.

–RTH

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9 Responses to “Let’s Get Silly.”

  1. Mark Twain Fame Says:

    this was incredible…great concpet, excellent execution.

    Order 645 : A Rule for Random Chicks at House Parties, Clubs, Bars;
    if you spend more than 15 mins talkin, semi flirting, or jsut accepting more than a drink or two from random guy you must at least either do 1 of 3 things (on top of doing a generous 20 min booty grinding dance session on said guy if good music is playing):

    1. Give the guy your number, and yes your real number, peferably a easily assesible cell phone number. Also getting the guy’s number is not aceptable.

    2. Go to his car in the parking lot, or a bathroom in the house party and give his Rooster some love. Terms can be negotiated on the degree and amount of “love” given.

    3. Sit somehwere in the public eye of house aprty or bar/club and have a dandy and hefty make out session, which will in turn probably end up suceeding to either options 1 or 2, or both. (# 3 is the best option ladies)

    my other idea for Order 645 is: Individual Theme music that accompanies you during entrances to major gala events or even in everyday life. This rule extends past jsut the small flimsy perosnal ringtone you might have on your Motorola, but a full out musical intro on your feelins, emotions, personality at the time of entrance/arrival. Example below given–

    MTF enters random house party that has a mixed gorup of people, weirdos, nerds, jock guys, sexy ladies of all different shapes and sizes and cultures, Simply a Grand Residential Gala Event. He gets out of his car and walks towards tyhe random humps in the frotn yard either smokin or hollerin on their phone to their pissy other halfs. The super awesome 80’s synth’d out intro to Mike + The Mechanics “Silent Running” plays out of a huge Radio Raheem sized boombox thats raised up John Cusack in Say Anything style by a T.M.T.(Theme Music Technician) while MTF enters through the front door, the theme music drowns out the poor shcmucks mother’s sound system, announcing his arrival and announcing to all the people that yeah…he’s that seriously awesome.

  2. T DOT Says:

    I’m not even going to begin my dude.

    I’m just gonna slap a big ol’ LOL.

    And keep it moving.

    Another truely awesome post.

    In a seriously laughing, not that quiet chuckle but actual laughter-type-laughing.

    *dappage*

  3. reythehussein Says:

    @ MTF– I LOVE the idea of individual theme music! I always have. I’m not sure what Order 645 will be, but dangit, that might be the best one. It can only work when making an immediate entrance or exit tho’, it can’t follow you around while you’re at the mall or grocery store or something. As for your choice in theme music, LOL, I can dig it. But! You’d totally need one of those 80’s outfits or hair-do’s, or at least wacky sunglasses. Also, this song totally reminds me of when Michael J. Fox walks into the gym for the big dance scene in “Teen Wolf”. I think the idea of Individual Theme Music would make a good post. I already have mine picked out. Depending on my mood, it’d either be Stone Cold Steve Austin’s entrance music, or (duhsville) Kanye’s “Stronger”.

    @ T Dot– Nice! I’m glad you appreciated it. I thought this was a good one.

    Thanks to both for checking in!

  4. Mark Twain Fame Says:

    yeah I dig that…only when entering and exiting would be better, more anticipated and more unexpected.

    Mine’s gotta be either Eric B. & Rakim’s “Microphone Fiend”, Beastie Boys’ “High Plans Drifter” or “Whatchu Want”.

    MTF, the Secretary of Musical Entrances.

  5. reythehussein Says:

    Upon further review…

    I’m thinking Order 645 could be one of two:

    1- Oral Sex Redemption Act. As in, if a girl is really bad at it during a one-time hookup, the guy should be allowed to ask for a do-over. You can’t half-ass the head!

    2- False Advertising Breasts Act. Padded Wonder Pushup Miracle Water Bras… I get that they fill out a shirt just right, and if you’re out and about with zero intent/desire to hook up, rock those contraptions and get your shine on. But! If you’re out and about with boo-tay on your mind, don’t get a guy’s hopes up only to crush him with the false advertising boobs. That shit ain’t right. Dudes don’t stuff their jeans with socks or their wallets with monopoly money, so don’t Miracle Bra us.

    Damn you, Wonder Bra. Damn you to the cheating hell whence you came.

  6. reythehussein Says:

    lol–Secretary of Musical Entries is yours, sir.

  7. Mark Twain Fame Says:

    score one for MTF!…

    and yes I do like both of those order ideas…wait another idea…

    make it mroe than jsut one order…The 5 Orders Report.

    you got 3, get 2 more good ones and bada-bing!

  8. reythehussein Says:

    Hmm, I’ll have to ponder. Ponderrrrrrrr.

    Well, actually, we can use your Individual Theme Music idea, my one about the head, and then the False Advertising Breasts one. That’s four. All we need is one more!

  9. Mark Twain Fame Says:

    *still pondering*

    Giving car rides home to drunk hot female friends deserve a good next day sober sensual naked backrub?

    ha.

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