When Hot Chicks Get Mad Skinny, Yo.

Or: Eat A Sandwich Already Because I Don’t Wanna Think I’m Crushing You While I’m Crushing You, Dig?

We’re about 1hr and 38m away from the 2nd Presidential Debate. I’m all in for Obama, and I figure that by the time this post is done, it”ll be time to watch Obama layeth the smacketh down on John McCain’s candy ass.

It’s go time.

One of the phrases I often use in real life when describing girls is,  “She’s thick on the bottom. Like good yogurt!”. I don’t really know what it means, but I use it to describe a girl that’s got some thickness in her thighs, hips, and booty. I’m definitely a boob guy, but thanks to some exes’n’encounters with zaftig, voluptuous women, I can definitely appreciate the thickness. I don’t get the whole “big booty” thing, but a little woob back there is always good. Plus, a little tummy can be cute, and while I’m sure I’ll have eyes rolled at me for this, I dig an in-check muffin-top.

Yep, I’m a tummy guy.

Anyway, I was pondering the amount of really hot celebrity chicks out there that got too skinny for me, whose stickness is a turnoff. Mind you, it’s not a deal-breaker with any of these chicks, but if I had my druthers, they’d be a bit thicker and I’d worry less about smushing them whilst smashing them. Hey, I’m fat.

Alrighty, time for the list. Here we gooooo!

1- Kate Bosworth
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Okay, to be fair, apparently ol’ Kate has gotten herself into shape because I couldn’t really find an uber-skinny pic of her (i’m not including “skinny” in the search cuz that’s cheating). Still, I remember when she showed up on the scene in Blue Crush, and she was hot. Not any kinda thick, but toned and loverly. I dug Kate okay when she was in Superman Returns (the much-maligned film which was actually pretty good), but I can’t dig the bony chest or bony shoulders.

2- Jessica Alba
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Dang. Again, my timing is off. Thanks to her just having a baby, Jessica Alba’s back to being thick and awesome. She’s still over-rated, and she’s a subpar actress, but she’s back to being hot. Still, one can’t help but think that the second she can get her personal trainer on speed dial, she’ll go right back to “I’ll just have a salad, thanks” mode. I remember when Jessica Alba first came on the scene big-time, in Drew Barrymore’s (wait for it…) flick, Never Been Kissed, as well as in the weird flick, Idle Hands. She was thick and curvy and soooo nice. Even when she did Dark Angel, she was on the thick side. Unfortunately, some time around Honey she just lost all the delicious suckable (yeah, i said it) bits of thick on her thighs, chest, stomach… Then when the whole Sin City/Fantastic Four barrage happened, it was more skinny. I’m not with that, yo. Here’s to hoping J dot Alba will keep some thick now that she’s a mom, cuz she really is hot.

3- Sarah Michelle Gellar
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Ah man. See, now, it starts to hurt. I think Sarah Michelle “Buffy” Gellar is ridiculously pretty. When she came on the scene with the tv show, Buffy The Vampire Slayer, I put the “fat” in “infatuated”. She had this adorably innocent look to her, all baby-faced and fuckin’ hot. She wasn’t really thick, but she was solid and healthy looking. This was incredibly evident in the 1997 slasher flick, I Know What You Did Last Summer. Mind you, that movie was tripe–and i’m not a hater, but it was–but her and Jennifer Love Hewitt (yum!) were so friggin’ hot it was ridiculous. I’m tellin’ you, it was cleavage and jiggles and lock the do’ and fire up the oven’…tacular. And thennnnn she lost a bunch of weight. Her boobs got smaller. She achieved stick status. *sigh* I’ve liked other celebrity chicks more than I’ve liked SMG (neve campbell was my girl back in 1997-1998), but I took her dethickification (it’s totally a word) very hard. (pause). She did the December 2007 Maxim Magazine and looked all kindsa hot, but nothing like her ’97 hey-day. Freddie Prinze Jr. needs to knock her up quick and get her all filled out. Word.

4- Shannon Elizabeth
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Hmm, from the “accidentally good segue” department, we go from Sarah Michelle Gellar to the girl who spoofed her I Know What… character in her own cut’em’up flick, Scary Movie, Shannon Elizabeth. Look, I don’t even need to go into this. Go back to American Pie. Go to the scene where Nadia finds Jim’s magazines. Look at all that retardedly nice yumminess. Now check out Shannon. Again, I’d hit that every day of the week and twice on tuesday, but the thick left, and the sad came. (uh, pause.  just in case.) Anyway, it’s a danged shame, and while I’m sure she’s a stellar human being and she’s obviously still beautiful, but I likes my girls to be solid through and through, ya know? Dang. Sorry, Shannon Elizabeth. I didn’t mean for my content to be so aggressive here.

5- Angelina Jolie
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This is another one that hurts. I LOVE Angelina Jolie. I really do. She sets new standards for being retarded hot, with a great body. Plus, her humanitarian efforts are amazing. For everyone who shits on celebs for being self-serving, she’s using her money to adopt as many kids as she can to get them outta poverty. People mock it, but that’s charity and it’s ownership and it’s commendable. Alas, this is a shallow fluff post, so I must shallowly fluff. (pause pause pause). She’s too danged skinny now. I know part of it is cuz she was grieving over her Mom’s passing, but she lost so much weight and it just dims the glow of inferno-like hotness that is Angelina Jolie. Angie, I love ya, and I just wanna see you lookin’ right!

6- Drew Barrymore

See, now this one bugs me the most. For a while Drew was soooo hot, and then I’ll admit it–she got too chubby. Mind you, I don’t mind it, but it wasn’t a great look for her. Some girls look good chubby and funny skinny, she looked “just aight” chubby. Problem is, she lost that weight and then more weight and HER BOOBS VANISHED! That’s fucking horrible. Absolutely horrible. Adios, boobs! She’s still really pretty and I’ve never heard anything but nice things about her–plus several girls I went to High School with had a thing for her–but the loss of boobs combined with skinny? Ah man. That ain’t right.

7- The Girls of Friends
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First and foremost, Fuck Friends the tv show overall. I liked the first season but after that it got weird and I got a girlfriend so I stopped caring. However, I was in love with Jennifer Aniston, and would’ve definitely thrown it at Courtney Cox and Lisa Kudrow. Unfortunately, while I was off in ReyLand, all 3 girls just got retarded skinny, AND had their boob shrink, and when it was all said and done, the only one that didn’t look like they were in pain was Lisa Kudrow. *sigh* A friggin’ epidemic, and ironic when you consider that Courtney Cox’s “Monica” character was…a chef.

And now we get to the girls that are towing the line.

1- Christina Ricci
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See, on the surface, C dot Ricci looks really f’n skinny, but in reality, she’s like 5 ft tall. I liked her thicker because–duh–that’s how I like ’em. But! She doesn’t look bad at all being all tiny like she is. Anymore skinny and then it’s bad, but for right now, she’s hot…if not a bit alien lookin’.

2- Anne Hathaway
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Okay, Anne as definitely lost some weight since she stole my heart back in the Princess Diaries/Ella Enchanted days, but she isn’t “Sandwich Status” just yet. She’s f’n gorgeous, and if Belle from Beauty and the Beast (the disney version) came to life, it’d be her. She’s still super-hot, but she’s definitely towing the line between just kinda thin to almost too skinny. Also: I love her. Word.

And now, Too Skinny & Towing The Line meet my choice for “Petite”.

1- Rachel Bilson!
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She’s also tiny, but looks delightfully in proportion. My goodness, I’d seriously consider digit amputation in exchange for settling down with her.

Call Reynolds, Cuz it’s a Wrap.

Alright kids, the debate starts in three minutes, and I yell at the tv, so it’s better for the laptop to not be in “hurling across the room” range. GO OBAMA!

As always, comments, questions, critiques, and your picks for Stick Chicks vs Thick Chicks can be left below in the Christopher Wallace Memorial Comments Section.

Thanks for checking in,

–RTH

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3 Responses to “When Hot Chicks Get Mad Skinny, Yo.”

  1. websince1982 Says:

    i was JUST about to do a post about the final battle of hottest skinny chick in the game today, Cassie VS. Rihanna, but I opted for the rapper guy post instead…. Jessica Alba was fine as HELL in real life (dark angel was filmed in vancouver) but a complete bitch in real life…. she got deleted from my “spank bank” back in ’04

  2. reythehussein Says:

    Heh. Cassie’s definitely hot, but she’s got noooo boobs. That’s a deal breaker for me on like 3 levels.

    Ooooh… was she bitchy? That sucks.

  3. websince1982 Says:

    i agree…. but that face cannot be tested….

    yeah homie…. she showed up to a club night i used to run and had a “do you know who i am?” meltdown at the front door when we told her she couldn’t come in since we were at capacity and she was there with like 50 fuckin people…. then she proceeded to call me every name she could think of, along with a few latin racial slurs…. which was odd to me since i’m actually native american and she’s half mexican….. ignorance at it’s finest

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