Dr. Beardhussein’s Salute To Boobs and Boob Tactics
I wrote this for my MySpace blog tonite and I thought it was amusing enough to bring it out to the masses.
We’re gonna get down to brass tacks here, and I’m not gonna pull any punches. You people want the truth? You’re gonna get the truth.
It’s Go Time.
I. Love. Boobs.
I was at Buffalo Wild Wings tonite and sure as sugar, in walked this blonde girl with a rack that stood at attention. Seriously, this chick’s rack was a Private First Class in the presence of a five star general. It made me remember that I really do love boobs.
I mean, Boobs are the path into the forest of Woman. Boobs are what takes a nite from “Pretty good, I guess” to “Legen…wait for it…dary!” status. It’s like this: You’re making out. The making out is awesome. You’re going at it, and you’ve been making out long enough so that the question has definitely entered both of your minds: “I wonder when we’re gonna kick this into high gear?”.
So now that the question has been asked, the plotting and planning begins. You start to slide your hand up, and at this point, the adrenaline is gooooing. Now, I’ll admit, I’ve been cut off at 2nd base twice. Mind you, those same girls eventually let me rock…and roll…all day long…sweet susie, but when I got cut off? Pfff… My face turns bright red and the influx of crimson causes the surface temperature to shoot up to about four thousand degrees kelvin. (yes, as opposed to four thousand degrees hobbes). The first time it happened I felt weird, but the second time I just kept kissing (word to dory–“just keep kissin’, just keep kissin'”) and waited for the blood to drain from my face. Yes, it shot up about 2.5 feet, from Hanz & the Gruber Twins right to my face.
But! This is a happy tale!
You sliiiide your hand up along the girl’s side (always right hand up the left side) and go into “Cupping The Boob” mode. Yep, no pawing at the boob, no dopey gropey, and definitely no stupid honking squeezing! You cup and you use the thumb to caress the boob. Hmm…This seems like a good time for a segue into listville!
Rey’s Tips For Caressing The Boob Of A Hot Chick You’re Making Out With:
1- You gotta work the thumb across the boob. The general idea is to pretend you’ve found the nipple and go there, but nipple location thru the bra and shirt is tough.
2- While stupid squeezy is bad, you still gotta squeeze. Gentle squeeze with enough behind it to signify lust, but not so firm that the girl feels like her boob is being strangled.
3- Here’s where it gets tough. If the girl is wearing a push-up bra or a padded bra, you gotta be careful. The girl will know that you’re basically squeezing foamy stuff, and if you’re with a girl with small boobs, don’t keep that up. The last thing she needs to think is “That’s right, squeeze my fake boobs because my real boobs are small, grumble-grumble.” A girl with bigger boobs will still get to feel the hand thing, and while I do ponder how much joy a girl gets out of having her boobs played with in that way, I’d like to thank girls for humoring us.
4- If a girl is wearing a sports bra and she’s just come back from the gym or from playing a sport… Dude, it’s go time. She’s got adrenaline going and is happy she did something athletic and positive for her body, and she’s gonna wanna git with the git down.
5- If the girl is wearing a regular old bra, something with support but not padding, then you can spend more time hunting for the nipple. The key is to not seem like you’re on NippleHunt. That’s gonna make the girl giggle, or worse, wonder if you know what the fuck you’re doing.
And of course, under the shirt is the same set of rules, only more gentle. Gentle is the key when you’re in BoobTown, folks.
Now, I might be wrong, but playing with boobs should cease once the bra goes off. Sure, playing with the nipple is super-fun, but at that point you gotta be super-careful (um, unless she likes it kinda rough in NippleBurgh. Oh, and TMI FunFact: I like the nipple play. Be rough with mine, I’m okay with it. No, I’m not apologizing for the visual because you’re laughing! BOOYAH!) because them thangs is sensiteeive.
Once the bra is off and you’re about to speak up close to the boob rolling your R’s (awww yeeeeaaahhhh!) and whatnot, technique is important, but it’s understandable if you lose your mind and just go to town on that MoFo. Well, with a bigger-boobed girl it is. She knows she has big boobs. She knows you like them. She’s okay with you indulging your “lipping the nipping” desires.
Smaller boobed girls… Well, that’s gonna be different. I hooked up with a girl once whose boobs disa-the fuck-ppeared when she laid down, and all that was left was a nipple. In that case, equal attention was paid to both nipples, but after that it’s understandable if you wanna continue the epic trek to TummyTown, HipVille (some chicks love having their hip-bones attended to, don’t know why, don’t know where I got it from, but they does), ThighVania, and… Okay, I don’t have a silly name for the female funzone, so we’ll just call it that: The Female FunZone.
So yeah. I love boobs. Boooobs. Girls, I love your boobs. I love ’em if they’re big, I love ’em if they’re small. I love ’em when I get to hug you, and I love ’em when you’re just sorta standing there. I’m listening to what you’re saying, but I’m thinking about your boobs. Show ’em off. Be proud of them. Love your boobs like I love your boobs.
Well kids, that’s it for tonite. It’s a horny nite in the Castle O’ Rey, but unfortunately, an early wake-up time means baking is out of the question. Soooo I figure I’d just transcribe some of the horny and the boob lovingness.
As always, comments, questions, critiques, and other helpful boob tips from both dudes and girls can be left below in the Christopher Wallace Memorial Comments Section.
Thanks for checking in,