Dr. Beardhussein Has Some Must-Avoid Gift Ideas For 2/14/2009
And I’ve got 21 minutes to knock them all out.
It’s Go Time!
1- A Bathroom Scale. Look, this isn’t rocket surgery. Chicks don’t wanna be told, “Hey Tubby, how about you hit the treadmill?”.
2- A framed picture of this man right here. Seriously. You’ll render her sterile. She might not appreciate that.
3- An O-Town CD. I’m an admitted fan of five person vocal harmonies, but really, aside from me and my nephew’s mama’s friend Miss Frost, I don’t know anybody that would actually appreciate an O-Town CD. Fun Fact: On their second album, O2, they sampled and interpolated Wham’s awful, awful “Careless Whisper”. Funner Fact: Nelly produced a song on that same album. Funnest Fact: They had a song what had a chorus that went, “Make her say ‘Ughhh’, Nananana.” No, seriously.
4- Sabrett Hot Dogs. I mean, aside from the Uh-Heh-Heh naughty connotations, what message could this gift possibly send? I don’t know. “Here ya go, Hun. Hot dogs.” (lqtm) Matter ‘fact? Let’s eliminate all non-metaphor-for-sex meat. Steaks, Ham, Chicken, et al.
5- All your unwashed, mismatched socks. I used to tease my last GFTWWAS (1) with that particular gift idea. I thought it was hilarious. “Babe, I put a lot of thought into this. It’s all my soiled unmatched socks. I love you.”
6- Any kind of taxidermy’d animal. I don’t know a lot about women, but I’m willing to bet that presenting the love of your life with the disembodied head of a woodland creature stuffed and mounted will just lead to all kinds of unpleasant conversations.
7- A 4x Tall Tee. “What’s this?” “Why, it’s a 4x tall tee, babe!” (just picture it, it’s funny!)
Call Reynolds, Cuz it’s a Wrap.
Alright kids, that’s it for this one. I just wanted to be irreverent for a minute, and I did just that. I gotta pick up Pop Dukes sooo I have to stop there.
As always, comments, questions, critiques, and suggestions for other non-non-heinous Valentine’s Day gift ideas can be left below in the Christopher Wallace Memorial Comments Section.
Thanks for checking in,
(1)GirlFriend That Was Worth A Shit