V-Day Week: Bad Gift Ideas

Dr. Beardhussein Has Some Must-Avoid Gift Ideas For 2/14/2009

And I’ve got 21 minutes to knock them all out.

It’s Go Time!

1- A Bathroom Scale. Look, this isn’t rocket surgery. Chicks don’t wanna be told, “Hey Tubby, how about you hit the treadmill?”.

2- A framed picture of this man right here. Seriously. You’ll render her sterile. She might not appreciate that.

3- An O-Town CD. I’m an admitted fan of five person vocal harmonies, but really, aside from me and my nephew’s mama’s friend Miss Frost, I don’t know anybody that would actually appreciate an O-Town CD. Fun Fact: On their second album, O2, they sampled and interpolated Wham’s awful, awful “Careless Whisper”. Funner Fact: Nelly produced a song on that same album. Funnest Fact: They had a song what had a chorus that went, “Make her say ‘Ughhh’, Nananana.” No, seriously.

4- Sabrett Hot Dogs. I mean, aside from the Uh-Heh-Heh naughty connotations, what message could this gift possibly send? I don’t know. “Here ya go, Hun. Hot dogs.” (lqtm) Matter ‘fact? Let’s eliminate all non-metaphor-for-sex meat. Steaks, Ham, Chicken, et al.

5- All your unwashed, mismatched socks. I used to tease my last GFTWWAS (1) with that particular gift idea. I thought it was hilarious. “Babe, I put a lot of thought into this. It’s all my soiled unmatched socks. I love you.”

6- Any kind of taxidermy’d animal. I don’t know a lot about women, but I’m willing to bet that presenting the love of your life with the disembodied head of a woodland creature stuffed and mounted will just lead to all kinds of unpleasant conversations.

7- A 4x Tall Tee. “What’s this?” “Why, it’s a 4x tall tee, babe!” (just picture it, it’s funny!)


Call Reynolds, Cuz it’s a Wrap.

Alright kids, that’s it for this one. I just wanted to be irreverent for a minute, and I did just that. I gotta pick up Pop Dukes sooo I have to stop there.

As always, comments, questions, critiques, and suggestions for other non-non-heinous Valentine’s Day gift ideas can be left below in the Christopher Wallace Memorial Comments Section.

Thanks for checking in,


(1)GirlFriend That Was Worth A Shit

4 Responses to “V-Day Week: Bad Gift Ideas”

  1. Digital Scales Says:

    Or you can just get her nothing and explain how the WHITE MAN be trying to get us to fall for these bullshit holidays so we go out and spend money

    If you love ya women go raw

    PEACE! lol

  2. reythehussein Says:

    LOL.. Thanks DigiScales. I think that’d be pretty funny: “Baby, that cracka honkey jus’ wants me to spend my ends on some boolsheeit. Girl, my love can’t be taxed, regifted, or go outta style!”

    …and then she leaves.

    Thanks for checking in.

  3. MK Says:

    My girl actually appreciates a good Rawwwwss joke (my XBOX live name is BeardOfRickRoss), but good call on not gifting her the framed picture. She’s got a wicked sense of humour though, and might laugh and enjoy any of the items you suggested. Except perhaps the O-Town, as she is human.

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