You just gotta wonder sometimes what life is really all about.
I remember thinking about the question, “What do you want to do with the rest of your life?” and as I recall, the question had to do with work. Then I got to thinking that that particular question usually pertains to work. My pondering eventually led to this thought:
I don’t want a job to have anything to do with What I Want To Do For The Rest Of My Life.
I mean, there are things I want to do for the rest of my life, but none of them have to do with work. Shit, the point of work is to earn money. You go to school to give yourself a greater array of options when it comes to picking work to earn money. If you only have a HS diploma, your options are limited. If you have a college degree, your options vary to a greater, well, degree. Still tho’, when it comes down to it, it’s just work. It’s what you do for money. If you’re able to, you do something you enjoy or interests you–and someone pays you for it.
Another way to look at “What do you want to do for the rest of your life?” is that it’s a question to get you to examine what your purpose is, what your legacy is. It’s like Common’s dad says at the end of “Forever Begins” (Off the “Finding Forever” album): “My one grain of spiritual sand”.
So what’s my purpose? What’s my one grain of spiritual sand to leave behind? What do I want to do for the rest of my life?
The immediate (pronounce “imm-meed-jit”) answer that I can come up with is: “I want to be happy”. That’s it. I want to be happy. I’m a MySpace/Facebook junkie, but whenever I put a status message I never, ever use the word “Happy”. That’s one mood I don’t put.
For a long time–as silly as this sounds–the New York Knicks winning a championship was my definition of true happiness. I lived and breathed Knicks basketball, and I was overjoyed when they won and crushed when they lost. When the team hit the skids (skids as in skid marks as in the shits), I was so upset it was crazy. At first they just had a bad team–injuries, lack of size (haha, lack of size–ugh..), poor coaching, poor management.. Then they hired Isiah Thomas and the whole thing went straight to heck. Horrible decisions, scandals, embarrassing losses, and weeks and months and years of being non-competitive and eventually irrelevent. It got so bad to where I just stopped giving a shit at all about the team, and a bastian of my life–from age 11 ’til about midway thru 25–was gone.
Around the time the Knicks hit the skids and a championship seemed out of reach, I re-defined happiness to be finding a relationship. I dated Maya ’til a few weeks after I turned 21–and she’s the last girl I was with that was actually worth a shit. Oh, and by the by, I’m 28 now. Sure, I dated girls–but they were either liars or drama queens or attention-whores or they were with dudes that didn’t show them a modicum of the attention and affection I showed them. Sometimes combinations of all of those horrible attributes.
So Maya and I were done, dunzo, dunzerooni, dunzville, dunston checks in, and I went on in my search of finding a girl. I dealt with the above types of crazy ass girls, and at some point in the middle to late 2007, I kinda gave up that being the defining goal of happiness for myself. Sure, in 2008 I went off in pursuit of a couple of girls, but I got shiggy shot down (in a blaze of gloraaayyyy) and that was that.
So now it’s 2009, almost the end of the first quarter, and I wonder what happiness is. I’ve got two nephews that I absolutely love with every single tiny bit of my heart and soul, and I’ve got some amazing friends that make me smile and make me feel good.
But am I happy? That I don’t know. I don’t walk around with a feeling of joy and peace and elation the way I think a “Happy” person should. I’m not sad or depressed, but I think the longing for romantic companionship in the form of a pretty girl has–nephew joy aside–relegated the Max Positive Emotion Level I’m able to feel as “Content”.
Ya know what tho’? I am content. I really am. Work is going okay (so far), and I’m sincerely hoping they keep me on board after my temp contract is over. I’m on a 2-4 month assignment and I wouldn’t exactly mind staying on. I like the job, I like the people, and the money ain’t bad either.
I know I talked some smack about Target on my myspace (www.myspace.com/reythejedi) and my twitter (twitter.com/reythehussein), but the reality is that after making a whopping $8.50 an hour for five months–with my hours going from just under 40 to 15 by the time I left–and surviving on that pittance of a salary, the money I’m making now is lasting longer and going further and opening up opportunties for extras that I haven’t had since I got laid off from First Advantage (they shut the office down) way-hay-haaayyy back in September 2007.
So I guess, all in all, things are going pretty okay, but on nights like tonite where I’m up late and pondering and wondering what life is all about, I do feel mushy and the single stings a bit more, and I wonder what’s down the road for me…
…and whether or not I’ll be able to handle it when my Legacy-establishing moment does arrive.
In any event, I hope she’s got nice eyes.
Thanks for checking in,