As I’ve mentioned more than once on this thing, I’m a bit of a romantic.
No, actually, I’m a hopelessly hopeful romantic. I don’t spend all my time pondering relationships and girls the way I used to, but it’s still one of the most recurringriffic topics my brain turns to. In actuality, it’s a lot better than what my brain usually turns to when it feels like pondering. I either think about the good old days that just kinda hurt because they’re so far away, or I think about stuff about life and culture in 2009 that is baffling or upsetting, or I spend what feels like hours either fighting arguments that happened years and years…and years and years ago, or arguments that will most likely never actually happen.
Sooo, therefore, when I wanna think of something positive, I either think up song lyrics, or I imagine what I’d do if God ever saw fit to send me a buttload of money, or I’ll go over my stats and reminisce about the better adventures I’ve had with the opposite sex. Or, I’ll sit here and I’ll either ponder when or if my future lady-friend will come along, or I’ll drift off and daydream about what it’d be like when she did arrive.
Now, I know that most guys connected to Hip-Hop’s online universe are really only supposed to talk about what girls they’d do, or what girls they wouldn’t do, but in reality, all of those supercool online rap commenter guys have a girl that broke their heart, a girl that can wrap them around their little finger, or a girl that they genuinely love and care for. I’m just honest enough to admit it. I used to think outloud a lot, but my 2 think outloud friends are (1) bipolar and are having a tough time (tasteless remarks about this will be deleted and blocked, never to be acknowledged) or (2) petrified that their girlfriend might dump them if they show an interest in anything that she doesn’t have an interest in–despite the fact that said girlfriend has never shown anything but an affection for me and the rest of Los Yahoos.
But I digress.
So I ponder and I daydream and it takes the place of thinking outloud. Plus, it never hurts to declare things by faith. The thing is, I’ve been out of the relationshippital loop for so long that I feel a lot like I did back in sixth, seventh, and 8th grade. IE, if I actually did land me a nice lady, what in the fuck would I do? I used to have a set of rules and operating guidelines–as well as an infinite supply of swag–but the ravages of time, the triangle of terror (3 girls that conspired to destroy my confidence and ego and any belief that a girl would ever love me), and BWM Melissa (the girl who’s baby I thought I was the father of–longo story for another time) have rendered me confidence-less, wondering what good I’d do, and worse, what right I had to think that a chick should be brought into my little world.
Self-hate and depression is/are/be a heckuva drug.
But! Fret not, I’m in decent spirits. Just another nite spent wondering if there’s someone out there for me. Another nite spent wondering who she is–if I know her already. Another nite spent wondering if she’s thinking about whether or not she’ll ever find me. Another nite spent wondering if there’s a girl out there for whom the Universe is already setting up a meeting with me. (okay, not sure if that made grammatical sense at all). And, of course, another nite wondering if there really is someone out there at all for me. I think there is, but who knows? I’m 28 years old, I haven’t been with a girl that’s been worth a shit since Maya and I broke up back in motherfucking 2001. That’s a long ass time to be shot down, rejected, and used’n’abused by crazy ass ho bitches.
Ah, but here’s the rub: I have a wedding to go to on December 6th.
Two friends I’ve had since 1995 are tying the knot, and your Uncle The Hussein has himself a plus one. I, of course, am checking “Plus One” on the RSVP card because I am an optimist–even with all the sad and the doubt and whatnot.. So the pondering begins anew, as I’m determined to bring someone I really care about in a totally romantical type way to this fargin’ wedding. I mean, I’m sure I could bring a platonic friend to keep me company during the “I’m at another motherfucking wedding single as fuck and I’m starting to get depressed” portion of the evening, but I think I should give m’self some room to find a pretty girl that likes me and take her to the wedding.
Indeed, my spring and summer will be spent networking and trying in earnest to discover my Her. I mean, it’s a chance for a great quest, and an awesome story. If I can, awesome. If I can’t…
…then fuck it. Two orders of prime rib for me.