Fantastic Fourth

RTH reviews Vin Diesel’s Fast and Furious

It’s Go Time.

I didn’t care about the first Fast and Furious movie when it came out wayyy back in 2001.

For that entire year, my friend Dom had been yammering on and on about V-Tech engines and Honda Civics and ground effects and Nitrous and all kindsa MEEEEEEEE-MEEEEEEEEE *awkward stall-out* MEEEEEEEE *still in 2nd gear* MEEEEEEEEEE car nonsense. So, when Vinny D. and Paul Walker ‘s ode to street racing came out, I was immediately against it.

However, the next year, my friend Josh–who loved the movie–finally sat me down to watch the movie, and I ended up enjoying it. In fact, when the goofily-named sequel, 2 Fast 2 Furious came out, I saw it opening weekend. The sequel surprised me a lot in that (1), I didn’t miss Vin Diesel’s character (hard to miss a character when you know months in advance that they’re not gonna be in the movie–as opposed to the pre-media fan boy saturation days when you had to go to the theater to find out that Corey Feldman wasn’t doing Donatello’s voice in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze, much to my chagrin) at all, and (2) the movie was good. Not just “good for what it was” or “good for a sequel”, but a solid flick altogether.

“It was a solid flick.” (Airplane! ftw!)

Anyway, when The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift came out, I wasn’t interested in the slightest. No Paul Walker meant no link to the first 2 films, and fuck any movie with (Lil’) Bow Wow. Vin Diesel’s cameo was a nice touch, but not worth sitting thru the rest of it.

Thus, we’re brought to the latest installment in the franchise, Fast & Furious.

We’re gonna knock this out list of lists style:

  1. Right off the bat, it was nice seeing Vin Diesel in “serious gravelly action” mode. I didn’t bother with XXX, and while I liked The Pacifier, I haaated The Chronicles of Riddick and missed seeing A Man Apart.
  2. Tego Calderon and Don Omar were in the movie, and while I despise reggaeton, it was a nice touch–their characters were funny.
  3. Michelle Rodriguez and Jordana Brewster are hot.
  4. I have a soft spot in my heart for Paul “Keanu Jr.” Walker. This guy isn’t trying to be any great thespian–he’s just doin’ what he does. Plus, he was in She’s All That, and while it doesn’t rank in the top 10 of my favorite teen movies, it is a nice snapshot in 1999-2000 high school life–albeit severely glossy’d and dramatized.
  5. Where the first 2 (and I’m guessing the third as well) F&F movies were hip-hop flavored (pause?), this movie had more of a Latin feel to it. I mean, not only did you have Don Omar and Tego Calderon in it, but a lot of the movie takes place in Mexico and South America and there’s a lot of spanish being spoken in the film. Heck, the main bad guy is a guy who “clawed his way out of the barrio“. I enjoyed this particular spin on the franchise for two reasons: A- I love my people, even tho’ I’m probably the worst Puerto Rican-Cuban on the planet, and B- It was a very shrewd angle to take. Actually, this deserves its own number.
  6. When 2Fast.. came out, there was an article talking about many Latinos/Hispanics had come out to support the movie, and they surmised that it was because cars transcend all boundaries. This is very true. Think about it, allll races are into cars, from corn fed white boys, to in-da-hood Gangstas, to MIRA! MIRA! WEPA! spanish dudes–cars are universal. Well, cars and weed, but this is F&F, not Harold & Kumar. So, it was a good bit of strategery, and I’m guessing it was the Latino audience that enjoyed the cars and the action even if they don’t necessarily speak fluent english–that’s not a knock, as I detest people that say “THIS IS AMERICA! LEARN THE LANGUAGE!” Eat a dick, people who say that.
  7. The car racing scenes were fun to watch. I don’t usually like chase scenes after the first time I see them, but the initial viewing of them is cool. Plus, the F&F hallmark is the street racing, and I’ve always felt they were top notch. Plus, as far as I could tell, this was done with real cars and stunt drivers. I’d rather see a cool scene done with real people as opposed to some mega-awesome scene done with CGI when it comes to car chases. I’m talking to you, Wanted.
  8. While the plot of this movies was super-similar to the plot of 2 Fast, I still dug the story, and there were some nice twists with it.
  9. There are at least 2 or 3 shots of girls making out. I can’t really emphasize how important this is.

10. The evil boss’ right-hand woman was stupid hot, which is funny because her nerps     (yeah, I said “nerps” Shaddup–it’s 9:30 in the morning, clever doesn’t happen til at least 10am) were always hard, suggesting cold.


So there ya go, Uncle The Hussein’s review of a movie that feels like it’s already been out for a month whereas it’s really only been out for 2 weeks.

As always, comments, critiques, questions, and better synonyms for “nipples” can be left below in the Christopher Wallace-Dr. Donda West Memorial Comments Section.

Thanks for tuning in,



One Response to “Fantastic Fourth”

  1. Auto Industry Bailout » Blog Archive » Ph-16 Oil Filter Animals That Live in the Rain Forest Tire Loma Da Nigbehin Says:

    […] Fantastic Fourth « It ain’t that serious […]

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