Dr. Beardhussein Diagnosis Fuckery In Nerd-Land.
I’m goin’ in! I’m goin’ in!
I do this for the hood! I’m doin’ it for the Alpha Betas! I’m doin’ it for the Cool Kids!
It’s Go Tiiiiiime!
You know what I can’t fucking stand these days? This whole paradigm shift where Nerds are the new Cool Kids.
Now, I’m not talking actual science’n’math nerds, because fuck on a taco, my other best friend growing up, Mike Robles, was a nerd. He loved science. He wore highwaters. He had freckles and red hair and was tall and skinny. He was into “Weird Al” Yankovic’s music and was maybe one of the funniest fuckin’ people I know.
Mike Robles…was a nerd.
Fast forward fifteen years and we’ve got all these rumple-haired crackers walking around with their smedium t-shirts and their cool, hip knowledge of internet slang (and I swear, if anyone ever uses a variation of “FAIL” or “EPIC FAIL” around me in real life, I might seriously slap the shit out of them. At the very least, they will have to hear a profane rant about how stupid that shit is) and this disaffected The Colbert Report apathy bullshit calling themselves Nerds.
Well, newsflash: You’re not nerds.
You’re just dicks.
See, the thing is, these aren’t nerds. They’re not the super-smart kids who were so logical and spock-like that made it tough for them to relate to what was “cool” or “popular”. Often times, these kids were the poor kids growing up–the highwaters weren’t cuz they’ve got sexy ankles, but rather their parents couldn’t afford a whole new wardrobe (whoa.. a “War Drobe” would be kinda cool. Anyone wanna work on a mock up of what a “Drobe” could be, and then we’ll trick it out with rocket launchers?) when the growth spurts (pause) hit.
No, what these new fangled nerd fuckers are…are dicks.
Yes, you play MMORPG, but when motherfucking Ozzy Osbourne does? Um, yeah. Not really counter-culture “F you guys, I’m unique!” kinda stuff. Yes, you’re shy around girls, but…and pay real close attention here…LIKE 75% OF DUDES ARE SHY AROUND GIRLS! Fuck! Quit acting like the whole world is against you and your 12th level Battle Goblin!
Also, now you’ve got these pricks banding together on the PrickBandingTogether meet’n’greet emporium known as the Internet. So now, they all get together and they MMORPG or they chat room or they Forum or they Message Board or they SKYPE or whatever the fuck, and they come up with stupid shit like “pwn” or the aforementioned fuckery fest known as “FAIL”, or even worse–quite possibly the stupidest fucking phrase I’ve ever heard in my life since “Swag”: “Woot”.
What the fuck is “Woot” anyway? Is it someone going “Wooo!” only to be karate chopped in the throat? Is it an elongated way of saying “What!”? Is it the online nerd version of “Holla!”?:
pWnM@$t3r– “Alright guys, I’m done with World of Warcraft tonite. Woot!”
Fuck “Woot”. Fuck it with a big throbbing Pwn until it FAILS.
So now we’ve got all these not-really-nerd-nerds banding together on the internet, being all ballsy and going back and forth with oh-so-cool games of “Who Can Say The Worst Shit Ever?”. Look, it’s not that I don’t think making racist, gay, horrible jokes isn’t funny. It was funny. In 1998. Now that shows like South Park have “pushed the envelope” to the extreme, it’s really just not funny anymore. Sure, it’s good for an “Aw man, that was terrible!” kinda cackle, but really, is that shit funny? Is it clever? Nooooo.
So the banded-together nerds embark in the real world to their real job, and since pWnM@$t3r thinks he’s a big shot in the World of motherfucking Warcraft, he thinks it’s cool to be internet snarky in real life. Well excuse me, forum dweller, you’re not cool. You’re not clever. It wasn’t cool for Rey to use “Ethered” in real life conversation back in Aught Seven, and it’s just as uncool for you to say “Pwn” in real life, you bleeding, gaseous twat.
The thing about these fuckers, the self-professed-but-not-really “Nerds”, is that if you take the keyboard away from these motherfuckers, they–more often than not–shy away into themselves without any clue as to how to function. Then, the chip on their shoulders grows and grows and they’re convinced that it’s the WORLD that’s a buncha dicks, and then the inferiority complex gives way to anger and delusions of persecution.
To quote the big homey Jay: “Fuck that shit.”
So now, today, we’re faced with “Nerds” being all hepped up on their own persecution complexes, swearing they’re part of some oppressed minority of video game players and comic book readers.
NEWSFLASH: THE COMICS AND GAMING INDUSTRIES WOULDN’T BE BILLION MOTHERFUCKING DOLLAR INDUSTRIES IF IT WAS JUST AN OPPRESSED MINORITY SUPPORTING IT!
They get all uppity and angry and grumpy, continuing a war from their schoolin’ days where they let a group of about a dozen “Popular” kids control the lives and self esteem and social workings of a school with HUNDREDS OF KIDS IN IT!
I mean, come the fuck on! There were a dozen popular kids in every school, and hundreds of kids whose parents couldn’t afford the trendy clothes, who didn’t have a car at sixteen, who worked to help with bills–not just to keep themselves in One Up gear.
This persecution complex and this stale aire of “misunderstood” is just suuuch bullshit. I mean, I’m sure smart kids and different kids got picked on, but if you really let that shit get to you–and stay with you years and years after high school–you can’t blame the Alpha Betas.
When you’re still walking around anti-social and off-putting, belting out tired cliches like, “Well, I’m ME, and if you don’t like ME? Then FUCK YOU!”. Cuz folks, lemme tell you something, 9 times outta 10, you’re in the wrong. The “Well, I’m ME…” speech is usually in reaction to some dumb shit, some stupid stance you took where you knew you fucked up–but didn’t wanna hear any shit about it.
Alleged “Nerds”, listen up: The world is not the enemy. You’re not an oppressed minority anymore. There’s nothing “secretive” or “underground” about the shit you’re doing. This whole apathetic nihilism and making fun of the cool trendy people for having the nerve to wanna wear something they saw in a movie or magazine or on a rapper isn’t some kind of rebellion.
No, what it is, is you guys being the popular douchebags.
Yep! That’s right, “Nerds”! YOU guys are the dicks! YOU guys are the Football Team! YOU guys are the cheerleaders! YOU are the ones making fun of people for liking shit that’s different to you. YOU guys are the ones making snap judgments about people for daring to like mainstream stuff, or fashion, or “stereotypical consumer sheep stuff blah blah NOOB”.
Congrats, “Nerds”, you affected band of insufferable whiners:
You guys are the new Jocks.
So there you have it. RTH vs The Nerds. Not the Revenge of the Nerds nerds, but rather this nu-millennium band of “Nerds”.
I’m of the mind that we need Revenge of the Nerds 1-era Ogre, and more like him, to restore the balance of the universe. We need to shed light on these motherfuckers who make the genuine nerds lookbad. I mean, shit, taking physics in 8th grade? Yeah, that’s nerdy. A smedium t-shirt and an affinity for spelling words with numbers? Not so much.
The revolution is here, and us genuine weird kids, us genuine shy kids? We’re taking it back.
*throws fist in air*
As always, comments, critiques, questions, and vehement disagreement can be left below in the Christopher Wallace-Dr. Donda West Memorial Comments Section.
Thanks for tuning in,