I think I know what the problem is.
The problem is that, despite the reputation I have–that I fear change and live in the past–I’m really not afraid of much. Oh sure, I’m afraid of dying and I’m afraid of someone I love being hurt and I’m afraid that I’ll never see a Knicks or Mets world championship, but that’s about it.
The fact is that, aside from those things, I’m unafraid of virtually everything else. Yeah, sure, I don’t necessarily WANT to go thru great pain or suffering or horrible emotional trauma, but if I’ve earned the right to say anything over the years–over this last miserable decade–I’ve earned the right to say that when it comes to horrible emotional trauma, I’m not afraid of it.
I’ve been thru it before. I’ve been thru worse, and I’ll go thru worse.
I’m not afraid of putting myself out there, putting my heart on my sleeve and saying, “Hey, this is me.”
I’ve never gone thru an extended period of “Finding myself” (pause). I’ve never walked around going, “I’m So Confused!”–I mean, shit, maybe when I was 21 and stuff was brand the F new, but…
…shit is just NOT brand new anymore! Seriously!
At this stage of the game, we’ve all had someone rip our hearts out and wipe their asses with them. At this stage of the game, we’ve all had friends fuck us up by making it obviously clear that they prefer their lives without us as a part of them. At this stage of the game, we’ve all had embarrassing losses and crushing losses and have all felt 2 inches tall, only to follow up the Shrinking with a heaping dose of self-admonishment along these lines:
“I can’t believe I put myself in that position again.”
Ya know what tho’? I keep putting myself in that position, the position to lose. Shit, I’ve lost before, and I’ll lose again.
The thing is, kids, is that I’ve got a 2 Guard mentality (not sure what a 2 Guard is? Here ya go: http://tinyurl.com/3ahrzx). I do. The 2 Guard has to score points. You can’t score points if you don’t shoot, and guess what?
It doesn’t matter if you’ve missed 10 shots in a row. You have to score points to win the game, and you can’t let a miss make you go, “Ya know what? I’m just gonna give up. It hurts my feelings when I lose.” NO! You can’t say that! When you’re a 2 Guard, when you have that 2 guard mentality, you only have one thought.
When you have that state of mind that is set on being happy, of making your life what you want it to be–no more settling, no more being held at the mercy of an evil brain who short-circuited sometime around the first George W. Bush term, you only have one thought.
You only have one conclusion, one way to win, one way to live the life that, dangit, you fuckin’ deserve to live.
You square up your shoulders, you look at the basket, and you fire away…
…because the next one is always going in, no matter how many you may have missed before.
Man up, Woman up, whatever you have to do.
I’m ready for my victory.