Because Fuck Being Linear.
It’s Go Time.
It’s summertime here at Dr. Beardhussein’s Lair O’ Legendary, and as such, I’m already in overdrive pondering the possibility of epic nights and happy encounters with members of the opposite sex. That being said, if you know me–and why would you be reading this if you didn’t?–you know that’s never reeaallllyyy a good thing. So, to counteract some of the Wussing Out I’ve got going on, I present to you a thrilling array of the randomness that floats around in my noggin.
1- I’ve said this before, but I really think we should all have entrance music when we arrive at certain places. I mean, obviously not hospitals or funeral homes (ick *knocks on wood), but work, house parties, or situations where a buddy/buddette needs help with something and you come thru should all count. Think about it: You’re on time for work, you’re looking good, you’re wide awake, and you’re ready to rock–and all of the sudden you hear “digga digga digga digga DUNT! DUNTDUNTDUNT! DUNTDUNTDUNT! DUNDUNDUNNNNT!” and motherfucking “Eye of the Tiger” blasts over the intercom and you walk into work. Who would be against this? This would be a total morale booster. Think of the variations! You call out sick for a few days and nobody’s really sure how you are, and about 10-15 minutes after your normal arrival time, your music hits. The office goes crazy, your boss is happy, and everyone goes “He/She’s here!”.
Of course, not everyone would be eligible for this. You’d really have to be well-loved by your friends/family/coworkers to have entrance music. If you’re kiiiind of a douchebag, nobody’s gonna be happy when your music hits. They’d be typing away at work only to be interrupted by the blaring of a jerkface’s music, and that’d just annoy everyone. You’d need at least 2 references each from your group of friends, family, and coworkers to qualify for the “RTH Entrance Music Status” status. The other exception is that your theme music would have to be approved by 5 people in the aforementioned friends/family/coworker groups. I like a lot of songs–love a lot of songs–but that doesn’t mean they should announce my impending arrival. Kanye West’s “Stronger”? Yes. Celine Dion’s “Where Does My Heart Beat Now”? Um, no.
Either way, this needs to happen fast. Like, “Superman Changing” fast.
2- I never thought it’d be true, but I have photographic evidence that proves it: I look awesome in black nike wristbands with the matching headband. This fact excites me more than I should admit. I should ask my boss if I can wear them at work.
3- We should be allowed to talk trash at work. There’s a pretty generous incentive program at work based on how many customer service calls a representative takes, and while it doesn’t get too competitive per se, people definitely keep score. Therefore, I should be allowed to yell: “YEAH MARISSA! WHO’S THE MAN NOW!? GET THAT WEAK SHIT OUTTA HERE! THIS IS MY MOTHERFUCKIN’ HOUSE!”. If I buddy up with someone there, we can incorporate chest-bumps and elaborate celebratory handshakes. I have so many good ideas it’s silly.
4- I didn’t think there’d be this many “sports-stuff-at-work” ramblings here, but fuck it, here’s one more: At the end of every day, depending on how much volume we did, they play “Takin’ Care of Business” or “Rock & Roll Part 2” or “New York, New York” (not “Secaucus, Secaucus”, right Kate? ;-)). And on Fridays? Confetti falls from the sky in addition to the music. Fridays before 3 day weekends? Confetti, Music, and a high-five line. End of business on the Wednesday-before-Thanksgiving? Music, confetti, high-five line, and hats & t-shirts. They don’t even need to have anything written on them. I just think it’d be neat to see people high-fiving wearing matching hats and t-shirts, even if they were just plain white hats’n’tees. I should call H.R. about this.
5- Have you guys seen the Wendy’s coffee commercial with the Boy Band? I think it’s great, but you know what? It made me miss boy bands. It’s been about 7 years since they were pretty much done being humongous–is that enough time for them to come back? I’m not talking the “Day 26” bullshit, but five clean cut white boys, or 4 clean cut white boys and the rebel, or 3 clean cut white boys, the rebel, and the mulatto lookin’ one. We need boy bands back. Yes, they’re cheesy, and yes, sometimes they’re so insincere it’s cringe-worthy: “Girl, I know you’ve got braces and you’re pushing 2 bills, but girl, your heart is what I love, girl.”, but they can’t possibly be worse than some of the crap that gets played. Why not make jovial fluff crap and all acknowledge it’s fun, disposable music, instead of making jovial fluff crap that’s disposable, but treated like it’s real art? I’d love to see this interview:
Interviewer: “Hey, this is Towanda McClurgh from PopNews.com here with K.U.D.O.S., the hottest new boy band in the country. Guys, your song, ‘Let’s Just Hold Each Other’ is #1 on billboard and iTunes. What do you think about all your success?”
Kyle: “Well, to be honest, we know we only have like 6 and a half, 7 minutes left on our 15 minutes, so we’re just gonna hook up with as many girls as possible.”
Ulrich: “Yeah, pretty much. ‘Let’s Just Hold Each Other’ is really the only good song on the album, and we had to pay a shit-ton of money to get Ne-Yo to write it for us.”
D’Marquis: “We’re not kidding ourselves here, Towanda. Just to cover our asses we had our lawyers write in our future VH-1 ‘Celebreality’ appearances into our contract.”
Orlando: “I can’t even sing. I just fit the costumes.”
Seth: “I mean, if people like the song, awesome, but even my Mom says we’re just aight. It’s cool while it lasts. Uh, Girl.”
So yeah, bring back the five part harmony. Bring back the dancing. Bring back the pooka-cheeka machine. Viva Las Boy Bands!
6- Summer Re-Run season has arrived, which means I’m in front of this computer more and more each day. I can’t BELIEVE networks won’t roll the dice with some off-kilter show selections that don’t make me root for Kim Jong Il to drop a dong on us. If I ran a network, I’d just give all my decision makers copies of “Weird Al” Yankovic’s 1989 gem, UHF and say: “Make it so.”
7- NBA Finals start Thursday, Lakers vs Magic. I’m sooo rooting for Orlando, for one reason and one reason only: Patrick Ewing, Knicks Hall of Famer, All Star, and Captain, is on their coaching staff. Patrick Ewing deserves a championship ring. He wasn’t able to get one as a player, but he’s got another chance as a coach. Patrick winning this ring changes everything. It’s like Marty McFly burning Grey’s Sports Almanac in the 3rd reel of Back To The Future II. It. Changes. Everything. No more coming in #2, no more looking back and saying he didn’t have what it takes, and no more Rey looking back at those awesome Knick teams from 1992-2001 and wanting to jump off a roof. Patrick gets his immortality as a coach, and as the guy that helped hone the skills (pause?) of Orlando’s own franchise center, Dwight Howard. God, you’ve hurt me & Patrick sooo much. Give us this one, and I’ll stop masturbating. Forever. It’s a promise.
8- Just so the hundreds and hundreds of e-mails will stop: My scented candle of choice is Glade’s Angel Whispers. It makes me wanna hug everyone. I should set up a hugging booth. I’m not one to quote lines everyone knows from movies (most of the time), but I’m a big hugger, and I find myself often saying “C’mon in for the real thing.” Fuck Pauses.
9- I think if Land of the Lost bombs at the box office, Will Ferrell should be forced to make a sequel to either Old School or Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy. I’ve enjoyed almost everything I’ve seen Will Ferrell in since Old School, but his last couple of movies brought out the Randy Jackson in me–pause–cuz they were “just aight for me”. Will had a great run, and I’m not ready for him to ride off into the “Eddie Murphy Family Comedy” sunset. In any event, the formula for his resurgence is simple: The Frat Pack–Ferrell, Vince Vaughn, Ben Stiller, Luke Wilson & Owen Wilson–take on a team of rivals comprised by The Apatow Gang–Seth Rogen, Jason Segel, Jonah Hill, Paul Rudd & Bill Hader. The Frat Pack gets Steve Carrell if they it’s an Anchorman sequel, otherwise he might have to sit this one out. Nothing against Steve, but we gotta keep it 5 on 5. Who wouldn’t see that movie? Shit, I’ll take it one step further. We film a big budget sequel to Revenge of the Nerds that combines Old School with it. The Tri-Lams judge a Frat War between The Apatow Gang, The Frat Pack, and…
…wait for it…
…a little more…
…now! The American Pie Guys–Jason Biggs, Chris Klein, Seann William Scott, Thomas Ian Nicholas and Eddie Kaye Thomas.
Who wouldn’t see this movie? Seriously, this combines 4 different audiences and like three and a half generations. This could possibly be the greatest comedy of all time. I’m getting giddy just thinking about this. I mean, if Brad Pitt, Matt Damon, George Clooney and Don Cheadle–along with luminaries such as Al Pacino and Andy Garcia and Julia F’n Roberts can put egos and paychecks aside for the Ocean’s Franchise, why couldn’t we make this happen?
And? Just to bury the needle? Special cameos at the end from Ryan Reynolds and Kal Penn, reprising their roles as Van Wilder and Taj Mahal Badalandabad.
Wow. My nipples are hard pondering that flick. Okay, Pause that.
10- I’ve got the ill craving for haagen dazs chocolate ice cream. And root beer. Not together in a glass, but separate. Mmm. Root Beer.
Call Reynolds, Cuz It’s A Wrap.
Okay folks, that’s it for today. I had fun writing this–even if I did rip off ESPN.com’s Bill “The Sports Guy” Simmons a bit. I mean, not that much–part of the reason he’s awesome is cuz we have similar writing styles. Ah well.
As always, Comments, Questions, Critiques, and reasons why Haagen Dazs chocolate ice cream is superior to all other flavors of ice cream can be left below in the Dr. Donda West-Christopher Wallace Memorial Comments Section.
Thanks for tuning in,