Dr. Beardhussein Lists Some Allergies
The over/under for people I offend with this is 5. I’m taking the over.
It’s Go Time.
There is always a yin and a yang, an upside of the schwartz and a downside of the schwartz, a Backstreet Boys to an *N’Sync. Just as one of my favorite pieces I’ve ever written is The Ever-Expanding, Neverending List of Awesomeness, I must also do this post you’re reading: The Ever-Expanding, Neverending List of Things I Will Never, Ever Care About.
You see kids, the opposite of awesomeness isn’t something sucking, or being heinous, or even ssenemosewa. No sir, the opposite of awesomeness is indifference.
Therefore, in the spirit of that, here is the beginnings of the aforementioned list o’ Apathy. I’m gonna write about a bunch of stuff that people seem to go apeshit over that I don’t care one lick about, and then after that, when I think of something new, I’ll add it to the comments section. Just to be fair tho’, you guys can totally list stuff that I might be over the moon for in the comments section as stuff you won’t ever care about.
See? Equality lives here at IATS!
Anyway, here we go. Enjoy.
1- The Legend Of Zelda. My. Goodness. Listen up, 8-bit Nintendo lovers, and listen up good: Fuck Zelda, Fuck Gannon, and Fuck Link with his own pointy spock ears. I don’t care about the tri-force. I don’t care about the ocarina of motherfucking time. Last but not least? I certainly don’t give one royal fuck about the stupid Zelda theme song. I’m not impressed that it’s a ringtone on your phone. I’m not impressed that you doot-doot-doo the melody whilst communing amongst your fellow Zelda-heads. Stop talking to me about it. I. Don’t. Care.
2- Twilight. First off, No, I haven’t read the books. Do you know why? Because the idea of forbidden romance doesn’t appeal to me. Not one little bit. “But Uncle The Hussein! He’s a vampire and she’s human!” Who the fuck cares? My goodness, Sarah Michelle Gellar is only 355,353,556 times hotter than Kristin Stewart, and I didn’t care in 1998 when she was all tingly in the jibblets over Angel! And since I’m at it, Pause and all, but Robert “I Peaked When I Played Cedric Diggory” Pattenson is ugly. Ugly. Seriously, is that’s what’s hot in the street? Pale dudes with fucked up features? My goodness, someone get David Boreanaz or Bela Lugosi or, shit, Leslie Nielsen (Dracula, Dead and Loving It) on the phone. *barf*
3- 90% of mid-90’s east coast rap. Here’s my list: Biggie, Nas, Wu-Tang, Method Man’s solo album…and that’s it. I don’t care about Capone and/or Noreaga. I don’t care about Mobb Deep. I didn’t know who Big L was when he was alive, and his passing didn’t pique my curiosity at all (RIP). I didn’t even really care about DMX outside of his singles. No, I haven’t heard Only Built 4 Cuban Linx, and ya know what? My life has gone on just the same. When I’m 89 years old on my deathbed, I guaran-the fuck-tee you my list o’ regrets will have way more to do with not eating Buck (ask about it) than it will not listening to Raekwon’s first solo album.
4- Facebook Apps. While I am guilty, guilty, GUILTY! of taking any and every quiz that makes me go, “Hmm, I do wonder which character from The Monster Squad I’d be!”, I will never…ever…ever…ever join your stupid mafia, or superpoke you, or send you a round of drinks, or buy you a gift, or send you a postcard, or get a piece of flair. Never. Ever. Ever.
5- Your niece or nephew. Now I know this one is gonna make people go, “Whaaaa??”, but it’s true. You know who’s niece and nephew I care about? MY NEPHEWS. I might show off pictures that are funny, or if I’m talking to a girl, I’ll bust out the Nicky or Bryon pics to get ’em to see how sensitive and whatnot I am, but that’s it. I mean, let’s keep it real: You don’t care about my nephews either, and that’s okay. I won’t send you unsolicited pictures of mine, and you don’t have to send me unsolicited pictures of yours.
6- “Good” Beer. I’ve ranted about this one before, but it warrants mentioning again. Look, I’m really happy that you enjoy paying $6 for a pint of Steubing’s Ale, I really am. The thing is… I don’t drink because I looove the taste. Odds are good I’m drinking because I’m hanging out with friends and I wanna shut off the annoying part of my brain that goes a mile a minute when I’m trying to have fun. Therefore, I just want something that isn’t gonna leave me making the “Eww, that went better in rehearsal” face. Also? Some of that stuff tastes like socks. Used socks. My used socks. Tell you what: You leave me alone about my cheap light beer, and I’ll leave you alone about being a pretentious beer snob hell-bent on ruining my 1 or 2 beers every other week. Deal?
7- 99% of Poetry. Back in the day I used to call poetry “Columned Bitching” (ironic considering…) because it was always not-so-thinly veiled whining about some oh-so-dramatic falling out between two friends in High School. Either that, or it was some kind of “Festering Drippage of my Soul” nonsense, or some kind of “The Sky Is Falling, The World Is Ending” downer stuff. Granted, some people have written some poetry that I dig. I can understand it, it’s profound, it’s telling a story without comparing the pain in their life to some horribly ghastly tragedy: “When she left me, my heart bled like a nun being killed with razor blades made from the bones of the elderly homeless”. *shudders* Next time, bring it down a notch and set it to music, mmkay?
8- Whoever the fuck Jon, Kate, and their 8 are. I don’t even have a rant here.
9- Wedding Planning. First off, I’m a sucker for weddings. I really am. I get caught up, I cry, I wonder if that’ll ever be me. I love the receptions. Free food on the boat, spending time with friends or family, and good music. I’m okay with cute couples getting engaged. I think it’s adorable. It’s gotta be the greatest feeling in the world next to seeing the birth of your own child. The thing is…Some time in between “OF COURSE I’LL MARRY YOU!” and “I now pronounce you man and wife/Thanks for coming to the wedding! Did you have a good time?”, every engaged couple invariably gets to be really, really annoying. Countdowns, crazed statements declaring how much work there is to do, disappearing for weeks at a time to “do wedding stuff”, the drama of political invites, the uber-drama of the in-laws’ meddling, and the inevitable statement of: “I just wanna get it over with so we can go on our honeymoon already.” It’s maddening. 12-24 months of that insanity. 12-24 months of the hiiiiighs, and looowwwwws. 12-24 months of people constantly reminding us that, yes, their journey is over–their lives can begin, and oh, by the way, you’re still single, Rey. Yeah, that was bitter, but it’s my blog, and if you were me, you’d feel the same way.
10- Long, drawn out work stories. This one deserves some ‘splaining. I enjoy hearing short, funny stories about workplace situations that I can relate to. We have a laugh, I go, “Wow, me too!” and we change the subject. What I can’t stand is when people go on…and on…and on about people at their job that I’ll never meet doing shit that isn’t really all that aggravating if you don’t work there. It’s not that I don’t feel for you in an annoying situation, but to drone on about it? Ughhh. Worse than that is when someone constantly bitches about their job only to never, ever quit. It’s like that one buddy who complains about his girlfriend 4 times a week ony to never, ever break up with her. (if I knew any couplers that were on that status I’d elaborate, but every couple I know is happy–that’s a good thing). The other bit is when you make the mistake of hanging out with friends that happen to work together. Nothing infuriates me more than having to try to follow along with a conversation that I have no input in. Seriously, what am I supposed to say? “Wow, I can’t believe that person I’ll never meet did that not-very-interesting-but-still-kinda-wrongish thing to that other person I’ll never meet!”? It’s maddening.
Call Reynolds, Cuz it’s a Wrap.
Alright kids, that’s it for today. If you’re wondering why the ether level was so high today, I think I’ve got a tooth ache and it’s both painful and annoying. Yamo take some ibu and see what happens.
As always, comments, questions, critiques, and of course, additions to the list (keep it above the belt–if you’re guilty of any of these infractions and I still talk to you, obviously it’s not that big a deal, so don’t say anything about me or my life that will warrant me flipping shit) can be left below in the Christopher Wallace-Dr. Donda West Memorial Comments Section.
Thanks for tuning in,