The Emo Files: That’s How You Know.

Yes, I’m using a song from Enchanted as a title. Wanna make something of it?

It’s Go Time.

As you all know, I’m a bit of a hopeless romantic. As some of you may not know, I haven’t been in a real relationship since October of 2003. Not to ruin the view you guys have of me (the coolest guy ever, a man among men, the redefinition of Legendary and Awesome, etc), but when I have a crush on a girl (my bad for being a 28 year old man that uses the word “crush” in the non-Big Pun <RIP> sense) I tend to lose all semblance of logic and suaveness.

No, seriously.

I end up over-analyzing everything and sweating the minor details to a ridiculous degree. I end up replaying every encounter I have with my objete d’art in my head ad nauseum. I go off into daydream land or sad “woe is me” land. It’s rare that I ever end up developing genuine feelings for the girl. She becomes a quest, a rallying cry, a reason to ride the ups’n’downs roller coaster. I get hiiiiigh and then I plummet, just to feel alive.

Sooo, while I know that’s crazy, I also do that pretty much whenever I start to fancy a girl. I never get to the point where I actually start to like her the way I liked a girl back in elementary/middle school. Recently tho’, I met someone that brings up those real “liking a girl and not just acting all dumb” feelings. And now: The Crux!

There are certain things that guys do when they really like a girl. Forget all that “He’s Into You If He…” nonsense, today I’m gonna go in and let you know what a guy does when he really likes a girl. Not just in front of the girl, but the little changes he makes at home, behind the scenes.

That’s right. Behind the motherf**king scenes.

Here we go.

1- I’m watching TV just now and I saw a commercial for a movie she wants to see. It’s a movie I’ve seen, yet I looked at the commercial, and my heart dropped into the general vicinity of my lower intestine. Not in a bad way, but in a “Wow, she’s on my mind!” kinda way.

2- The girl I was roller coastering about before I met the girl I genuinely like was on my mind all the time. I’d wait all day to be able to chat with her and I’d ignore the whole entire world while I was talking to her. Now? Now she’s back on Strictly Friend Zone status, just like that. No, I’m not flighty, but there’s a difference between a curiosity crush and actual liking of a girl. I mean, when I think of this girl, I think of how pretty she is… Wait, this should be it’s own number.

3- When I think of this girl, I think of how pretty she is. I mean, she was cute in pics I had seen her in, and she was cute the first nite we met, but the last time I saw her I just kept thinking, “Wow, she’s really pretty.” Not only did I think that thought the last time, but I thought about it at work today and I smiled, and I felt a feeling that I thought went out the window years ago: I felt bashful.

4- Conversations get replayed. Not in a bad, kicking myself for saying something goofy way, but in a “Wow, I really liked talking to her way.”

Okay, enough with the mush. Let’s go in.

5- Chicks you’ve wanted to nail for the last X Amount of Years are suddenly on “Ehh” Status for committing the egregious error of Not Being Her.

6- Goodbye, stash o’ porn! When voluntary, this can be made fun of by your friends. Maybe you don’t get rid of the good stuff, but links get deleted, dvds/VHS tapes get loaned to friends, and magazines used as inspiration are thrown out. (when this is involuntary–the decree of a crazy current chick–you can’t make fun of the guy for this. your buddy will get defensive because he knows that’s super-whipped. since i’m at it, ladies, no more getting mad at a dude for baking. the “you don’t need to do that, you’ve got me!” excuse is invalid and I’ll tell you why: guys get the spontaneous urge to bake for a variety of reasons, and half of them are questionable. if i’m oogling girls i went to high school with and wanna bake, you’re not gonna be like, “no! i’ll do it for you!”. you’re just not. you know why? because i preheated the oven to current pictures of a girl you hated back when we were in school. also? let’s say you stumble upon a tv station that still plays music videos, and they just happen to be playing janet jackson’s “if” video. ladies, you’re not gonna be able to spring into action quicker than my left hand. it happens that quick–the urge’s arrival, that is.)

7- Let’s say the urge to bake arrives, and some porn has survived. You know what happens next? One of two things happens. A- Either you bake but feel guilty about it–like you know you’re doing something wrong (to thoughts that you’d never admit in public), or like you’re cheating. OR! B- You don’t even bake. You go, “Ehh, not tonite” and you leave one in the chamber.

8- Executive Order 645, which states “I reserve the right to do all kinds of dumb shit in order to spend time with a girl.” Yessir, you read that right. This rule can vary if, say, you’ve been single since October 2003 and everyone you know is in a relationship. Mind you, this doesn’t just mean ditching friends or going out of your way to hang out with the girl you like, but anything that might put you in a position to hang out with the girl you like. This can mean doing a favor for a girl who kidnapped your “Coupling” DVDs in the hopes that you can get them back because the girl you like also likes “Coupling”. This can mean spending time hanging out with people that also hang out with the girl you like just so you can do some good stuff so that they can report back to TGYL on how cool you are. Yes, all of this encompasses Executive Order 645. All of us do it, I’m just the first to admit it.


Call Reynolds, Cuz it’s a Wrap.

Alright kids, that’s it for today. I hope I’ve shed some light on this. Life is beautiful right now–whether or not anything happens with TGIL.

As always, comments, questions, critiques, and other things guys do when they like a girl–secret stuff–can be left below in the Dr. Donda West-Christopher Wallace Memorial Comments Section.

Thanks for tuning in,



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