You’ve Got Questions? Dr. Beardhussein’s Got Answers. Probably.
It’s Go Time!
So in my continued series of posts paying homage to/ripping off ESPN.com’s own Bill “The Sports Guy” Simmons, I’ve decided to do my own version of Simmons’ classic and oft-hilarious “Mailbag”columns. While Simmons’ mailbags are all real questions from real readers, the questions I’ll be answering tonite come courtesy of a few of my Facebook friends. After this, I only have Simmons’ “Running Diary” to shamelessly rip-off. Er, “pay homage to”.
I don’t know about you, but I’m getting goosebumps just thinking about it. Anyway, here it goes. Enjoy.
Q: “Does a duck’s quack echo in a cave?”–Melissa S., NY.
RTH: I, for one, am glad someone finally had the cojones to ask this question. Kudos to you, Melissa. Kudos to you. Now, as for your query, I don’t honestly know the answer to this one. Think about it, why would a duck be in a cave? Is this duck spelunking? Is this poor canard looking for treasure with his friends Mouth, Chunk, Sloth, Andy, Data, the other girl, and his brother Brand? Is this mallard the guardian of great wisdom? I think there are better questions to ask about this duck, or to ask this duck in general. Therefore, the answer is not “Yes, it echoes” or “No, it doesn’t echo”, but rather: “When the duck does quack, what is it saying?”
Q: “Can a turtle be drowned??”–Krista M., 516.
RTH: Obviously Krista’s never seen the exciting conclusion to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze. No, they can’t be drowned. They just pop up breathlessly, exclaiming “Man, I love being a turtle.”
Q: “How does a porcupine scratch without killing himself?”–Irving R., Babylon NY.
RTH: Porcupines are already blessed with mega-awesome quills, but God hath blessed the noble ‘Cupine with another gift found only in the animal world. When a porcupine gets itchy, a team of tiny, tiny Nordic men all named “Sven” emerge from their homes in the quills and fan out. Once the tiny, tiny Nordic men all named “Sven” have gathered to the scene of the itch, they pull out tinier, tinier rakes, and proceed to scratch until Morcupine Porcupine’s itch is no more. I applaud thee, Porcy Worcy. I applaud thee.
Q: “What is REALLY in a Hot Pocket!?”–Melissa S., NY.
RTH: Another good question by Melissa. When I worked at Target *single teardrop*, I feasted upon these Pockets of Hot quite often. Therefore, hence, p—->q, I know what’s in them. Seth Rogen is in them, because he’s in everything else.
Q: “Battle of the Butlers! Who would win in a fight between Mr. Belvedere, Benson and Wadsworth from Clue?”–Irving R., Babylon NY.
RTH: Ah, a good one by Irving! Here’s what I think would happen. First off, Wadsworth gets taken out right away. Sure, he’s bright, but he’s also on the prissy side. I think Mr. Belvedere drops him with a bad habit, leaving streaks on the china. Bloody streaks! Next up you have Mr. Belvedere taking on Benson. On one hand, you’ve got Mr. Belvedere. He’s big, he’s english, and there’s a chance that he’s called “Mr. Belvedere” because he gets loaded on the premium vodka what shares his name. Why is the vodka thing important? Pfff! Because he could be a mean drunk! On the other hand, you have Benson. He’s got the advantage right away because he’s black. Plus, after he was Benson, he was one of the schoolboard members from Lean On Me, and informed no less a Man Among Men than Morgan F’n Freeman that he, BENSON, was the “…Head Nigga In Charge!”. I say Benson takes the fight in the 10th round, but being a gentlemen, Mr. Belvedere shakes his hand offers his hat, and then gives him that little bastard child Wesley as a trophy.
Q: “What New Jersey Net finished his basketball career with only 4 assists?”–Jay S., 631 NY.
RTH: Jay! For the last time! Yinka Dare is dead! RIP, Yinka.
Q: “Who put the Bop in the Bop Shoo Bop Shoo Bop?”–Irving R., Babylon NY.
RTH: I think it was a typo, and it was supposed to be “Who put the Boop in the Boop Shoo Boop Shoo Boop?”. Therefore, the answer is: Corin Nemec. “Who’s Corin Nemec?” I’ll tell you! Corin Nemec is/was the star of the criminally slept-on and bafflingly not-available-on-DVD’d show, Parker Lewis Can’t Lose. For about 3 or 4 years, Corin Nemec played the title character. Parker was awesome. He ran shit at his school, he had 2 loyal sidekicks, a gentle giant, awesome parents, and a great villain to combat in “Miss Musso”. I can’t beleive this show isn’t on DVD. Parker was like the blessed offspring of Zack Morris and Ferris Bueller, only with better gadgets and catchphrases. I mean, the fucking series finale of Friendswas out on DVD about 14 seconds after Rachel said “I got off the plane!”. Why is this that women-kind has that captured forever in all of it’s *barf*-inducing glory, but I’m forced to scour the interweb for episodes what went from VHS to DVD to YouTube? Nobody on Friendshad a cool trenchcoat with gadgets in it! Nobody on Friendsdevoured fish given as rewards! One of these days, I’m smacking David Schwimmer with a bunch of celery, and no jury in the world will convict me for it. Let’s just move on.
Q: “Why do birds have eyelids?”–Michelle “Jay’s Wife” S-G., 631 NY.
RTH: Great question, Mrs. Jay. However, just a tiny bit of pondering will answer it for you. Think about it: You’re a Mama Bird. You’ve got Baby Birds to feed. You’re chewing up worms and then regurgitating them into the mouths of your hungry younglings. You think those baby birds wanna eat worms? Heck no! They’re little kids! They want pizza! Pizza with bird seed! You know they see Mama Bird (or “Boid” if said avian hails from one of the five boroughs of New York City) and go, “Hey Corey, does she have a box?” and then Corey replies “Nope, looks like worms again. I mean, i could be spaghetti, but we’ve been fooled before.” So Mama Bird comes flying in with worms–again–and chews ’em up and spits them into the gaping maws of her children. She then closes her eyelids just in case one of her kids barfs because they’re eating worms with nary a dirtbike to be won in sight. Without eyelids she’d just have worm bits all over her eyes, and come on, she works long days and tries to do right by her kids. She doesn’t need the added pressure of worm bits all up in her ojos. Also, I’m tired, which is why this answer was particularly weird.
Q: “Why do old people just turn on the water and make believe they are taking a shower”–Michelle “Jay’s Wife” S-G., 631 NY.
RTH: I dunno about this one. Papa was just in the shower and he now smells soapy-fresh. Gotta hand it to my Papa, he’s 63 next Sunday and he has yet to acquire that old people odor. The key? Irish Spring, Degree, and English Leather Black cologne. Fun Fact about Papa? He wants an Asian Bodyguard/Man Servent/Chauffer named “Phred”. If I ever hit it big, that’s the first purchase. Well, second, right after I buy my massage chair. I need a massage. Also? I need to wrap this up. 3 more questions.
Q: “Why does everyone who works/owns a carvel Asian”–Michelle “Jay’s Wife” S-G., 631 NY.
RTH: Is there a takeover of Carvel by Asians? Are the ice cream scoopers all bad drivers and good at math? Do they know Karate? Is it tough for them to say “Carvel”? If you eat Carvel served by an Asian, do you crave more dessert 45 minutes later? I need to know these things. You know what’d be neat tho’ in terms of the Carvel Asian Invasion? Eatching ice cream with chop sticks. It’d make Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough or Cookies’n’Cream way more fun. Another great use for chop sticks? Girls use them to do their hair, and lemme tell you–that look is Sexy. That’s right, folks. We’ve reached the chismo portion of the evening. Don’t blame me, blame the pictures of Alexis “Rory Gilmore/Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants” Bledel I saw earlier this evening.
Q: “Why isn’t the term Whale Shark an oxymoron?”–Potter., Commack NY.
RTH: I’m gonna go with this. I think it’s not considered an oxymoron because of how friggin’ big a Whale Shark is. If a Whale Shark could walk around on land, it’d definitely have conquered Tokyo already. You know what I like about Whales tho’? Songs of the Humpback Whale. I would listen to this. I would sample this. I would get at least 3 of my friends to add it to their regular iPod/Car Stereo rotation. I would. I’m that good.
Q: “Why isn’t it socially acceptable to say ‘We should totally make out. No strings, No awkward, No nothing. Just a bit of good ol’ fashioned out-making.”?–George T., Brentwood NY.
RTH: Okay, I made that last one up. But still!
Call Reynolds, Cuz it’s a Wrap.
Okay kids, that’s it for tonite. I’m dunzo. It’s officially Saturday June 20th, and I’m tiiiired.
As always, comments, questions, critiques, and your own answers to the above riddles can be left below in the Dr. Donda West-Christopher Wallace Memorial Comments Section.
Thanks for tuning in,