Dr. Beardhussein Diagnoses Black Entertainment Television’s WrestleMania.
It’s Go Time.
Continuing on my theme of shamelessly ripping off/paying homage to Bill “The Sports Guy” Simmons, I complete step 3 out of 4 of my favorite column gimmicks from him: The Running Diary.
Now, I don’t have the interest/attention span to do a running diary on baseball (the only major sport active right now), so I figured I’d rock the BET Awards. I keep up with Urban music and trends and the unintentional comedy (another phrase Simmons loves) potential is thru the roof. Should be amusing.
1- Some 16 year olds wearing tight jeans with their asses hanging out doing some lousy song with an accompanying dance. Don’t adjust your dials, it’s not 2006-2008. This is still happening today, in broad daylight no less.
2- Keri “I Dissed Beyonce and thought it was a good idea” Hilson is out on stage pretending she didn’t have “B” narrowly out-sell her by 2,000,000 copies. Keep reaching for the stars, Keri.
3- Arsenio Hall is WAY too excited to be on TV.
4- More tight jeans on more dudes I’ll never care about.
5- The BET Award itself looks like a giant penis. Is that a nod to the “Black guys have huge dongers” thing? I’m thinking yes.
6- Pre-Show Award given out by Terrence & Rocsi, the “stars” of BET’s 106 & Park, a TRL rip-off that outlived TRL. Award goes to Day 26, allegedly an r’n’b singing group. The 5 boys come out to accept their Best Group award and then start singing, much to the delight of absolutely nobody. Favorite part of this segment? Diddy comes running out. I’m over my man crush on Sean Combs by now, but if we were at a wedding together, well, one thing might just lead to another. Okay, here we go.
Quick Note: I’m starting this 8 minutes late because I had to find the laptop plugs and needed to pause the TV during Day 26’s “singing”.
8:06pm- Greetings IATS Readers & Ravers! We’re coming to you live from the Castle O’ Rey. I’m joined by my dog, F.R.E.D., my father (henceforth known as Pop Dukes–it’s his birthday today), and tap water inside a liter-sized Poland Spring bottle. The next-door neighbors are playing outside, and I’m giddy to get this show on the road.
8:08pm- Hitting “Play”…NOW! My goodness, Day 26 is terrible. I’d rather see O*Town come back out to rock a killer performance of “All Or Nothing”. O*Town gets a bum rap. Their first album was good, and their 2nd album had a legit 5 or 6 really good songs–including a fun interpolation of the atrocious Wham!song, “Careless Whisper”.
8:09pm- Rick Ross is out on stage in a white suit and Power Ranger blue sneakers. Um…Okay.
8:10pm- The Michael Jackson tribute is starting now, with a clip of MiJac and James Brown on stage. Performance of “A-B-C” featuring motherfucking NEW EDITION?? Wow. I’m excited about this, and I was never that big on New Edition–except for “If it isn’t looove, why do I feel this waaayyy…”
8:11pm- Shot of Diddy and Lil’ Wayne. Someone should wake Weezy up.
8:12pm- Bobby Brown is already creepy. Keep the tongue in your mouth, sir. Pause. I’m really liking this tribute. New Edition is a high class “get” for this. Shot of Anthony Anderson in the crowd.
8:13pm- “Pookie! Let’s burn this motherfucker to the ground!”. Shot of Jada Pinkett Smith. Shot of Drake. Drake makes me long for a creepy shot of Bobby Brown’s tongue. Pause.
8:14pm- List of stars who are gonna be on the show. Loudest crowd reaction was for Jay-Z. Ray Chew and the Ray Chew Orchestra are gonna be on the show. Um…Okay. Wow, is that the end of the tribute? One mini-medley by New edition? I dunno how I feel about that. I hope there’s more tributes.
8:15pm- Jamie Foxx is hosting. Should be good. he’s doing the dance breakdown from “Beat It”. I like Jamie Foxx, but I’m not sure I forgive him for “Blame It” yet. Shot of Jeremy Piven in the audience. Is he the token white guy? Was Jimmy “Kimble” not available?
8:17pm- Jamie’s starting his monologue. Jamie’s doing a good rah-rah monologue. Mostly inspiring, nice joke. “Diddy! Stand up! I’ll moonwalk all over yo’ ass!”
8:19pm- “Half of ya’ll couldn’t sell out a bathroom at Carl’s Jr, and Michael was selling out Stadiums!”
8:21pm- Jamie is calling attention to his mooseknuckle. I already regret this decision.
8:22pm- Now he’s moonwalking and the crowd loves it. I should perfect my moonwalk. Any dance move, regardless of how simple it is, is more impressive if a fat guy does it.
8:23pm- Facebook IM from my friend Kate. My evening just perked up.
8:24pm- LeBron “Fuck Shaking Hands!” James is coming up on stage to accept the athlete of the year. Wouldn’t it be kiiinda funny if he never won a ring? I might be rooting for that just for the “Ain’t That A Bitch” files. Um, unless he joins the Knicks, at which point I’ll deny I ever said that.
8:25pm- Best Male Hip-Hop award presented by Tyra Banks (she gave out the previous one, too) goes to Lil’ Wayne. I always think this award should go to Kanye West, but seeing as how he didn’t put out a rap album, I’m willing to let it slide. Wayne still looks like E.T.–and Baby is on stage hoping nobody notices he’s 44 years old.
8:30pm- Rappers pick some uuuugly first wives. Wow. They need to learn how to dump their first women at the first hint of fame like actors do. Seriously, T.I.’s wife looks like someone put a wig on Barney Rubble.
8:32pm- Our first “Are we on yet? We are? Okay!” moment, followed by the 23rd request to “Make some NOI-OISE!”. They need to incorporate the “Pee-Wee’s Playhouse Secret Word” thing. When someone says “Your Boy” or “You know what it is” people can go nuts.
8:33pm- Keri Hilson is on stage. She needs longer hair. Still annoyed at her, but I love “Knocks You Down”–Kanye’s verse killllls it, and Ne-Yo’s always awesome.
8:34pm- Keri Hilson is channeling Pat Benatar’s “Love is a Battlefield” video for this performance. I’m okay with that. Point for her. Also, it just occurred to me that Kanye West is NOT scheduled to appear tonite. I think I’m back to pre-Kate’s IM Status as regretting this decision.
8:36pm- Speaking of Ne-Yo, he’s doing a performance/tribute to MJ. Just him and a keyboard. No autotune, no Lil’ Wayne, no “bottle/model” rhymes. The nite just crept up to .500.
8:37pm- Just saved for the first time. I’d have been piiiissssssed. It’s occurring to me that this diary is definitely a “Print it out and read it over the course of 2 bathroom trips/an hour train ride home from NYC”…diary.
8:38pm- Dope performance by Ne-Yo. Class act.
8:39pm- Shot of Joe Jackson in the audience, and we’re off to commercial.
8:41pm- BET’s gonna start a cooking show? I… We… I just can’t. Okay, we’re back. Let’s see if anyone tells Jamie.
8:43pm- Anthony Anderson, True Jackson, and the little black kid from “Role Models” are on stage. I’m not saying a word. Not one word. Okay, I’ll say a few words: True can sing! Nice.
8:45pm- Jamie & T-Pain are singing “Blame It” now. I hate this song. I hate this song. I hate this song. I mean, I like T-Pain quite a bit, and I like Jamie’s music–shot of Wyclef, btw–but this song is irritating. I’m staying quiet ’til this ends unless something outstanding happens.
8:46pm- KANYE WEST IS IN THE BUILDING! Snoop Dogg is on stage! I haven’t even hit “Publish” yet. Eerie. Oh, Kanye’s still with the bald girl. Doesn’t matter. Kanye West is awesome.
8:48pm- Is Snoop even gonna rap? Wow… Travis Barker is on stage, Jamie Foxx is “playing” the guitar. They seem to be combining David Bowie’s “Fame” with J-Kwon’s “Tipsy” for that. It actually worked. Touche, Jamie Foxx. No rap by Snoop. Still, I enjoyed that.
8:54pm- Jamie’s back. The MiJac love continues.
8:55pm- Jamie shouts out Drake. Rey vomits.
8:56pm- Soulja Boy! HOP UP OUT THE BEEEEEDDD! I love this song and I don’t care who knows it. There should be a minimum decibel-level for this song. The louder the better. I’m angry that the bar-club places I frequent don’t play it. Rubbish.
8:57pm- Soulja is all by himself. Props. He can’t match the the sound of the record. Drops. Kanye’s nodding his head, but giving him the look that says,”Alright, sure. Bite ‘Swagga Like Us’. Don’t ask me to be on this song. I don’t mind. Dick.”
8:58pm- How is Soulja Boy like 18 and already has 68 tattoos?
8:59pm- Chaka Khan, Estelle, and some girl that isn’t Beyonce. Noooo thanks.
9:00pm- Jamie Foxx and T-Pain win “Best Collabo” for “Blame It”. T-Pain’s medallion says “Big Ass Chain”. Is there anyone on earth who’s having more fun than T-Pain? I mean, aside from The Rock and George Clooney? T-Pain is awesome…but he needs to join Diddy on the list of people who should always, always have sunglasses on.
9:02pm- Not one Farah Fawcett, Billy Mays, or Ed McMahon shirt in the audience. I wish I had a joke here. Oh, and Ne-Yo just won for Best R&B Artist. Well duh.
9:05pm- Rushed “Huh?” Moment: BET honoring 3 random dudes for making a pact to become doctors and sticking with it. Not to be a dick, but most of this show is celebrating artists whose musical content involves drugs, alcohol, violence, and promiscuous sex…and then has a 90 second “But, you know, be a doctor!” bit. Sorry, you need more balance.
9:07pm- Jamie just had a deer in headlights moment. TelePrompTer must’ve gone down. Not too funny, but worth noting. Beyonce’s out. In apparently a one piece bathing suit. This would improve the nite, but F.R.E.D. just let one fly, so 9:07pm is a wash.
9:09pm- Whoa. Beyonce just ended her performance with a few bits from “Ave Maria” & Sarah McLachlan’s “Angel”. Someone I know once said Beyonce couldn’t sing. I’m not making a joke here because she might stumble upon this.
9:12pm- Dangit. There’s a WWE Pay-Per-View on tonite…and I’m doing this. I fully admit that I might be retarded.
9:17pm- Long commercials. Looong commercials. Time for a movie parody sketch. I think I might…WHOA! It’s Martin Lawrence! In drag! This has to be a joke. it has to be a joke. WHOA! IT IS! JAMIE FOXX AS WANDA! MARTIN LAWRENCE AS SHEHNENE! “From the makers of Godzilla and the producers of Planet of the Apes”. Classic. “Skank Robbers”! They’re not topping this. At all. We have peaked. Fucking HILARIOUS.
9:20pm- A gospel group of called Mary Mary is doing some song. It sounds way too much like a moral PG “Blame It”. I’m fast forwarding this. If I was getting paid to write, I’d watch it. I’m not. *grabs remote*
9:22pm- Dang. Whilst FF’ing, Queen Latifah comes out. I love the Queen. Dangit! Okay, resuming the >>.
9:25pm- Zoe Saldana is stupid-hot. N’Chelle Nichols was in the bathroom. Zoe said that. Once again, unintentional comedy. I wonder how many times Simmons was turned down by ESPN over trying to do this diary. Once again, Zoe Saldana is hot. And apparently she’s the one who I thought was Jada Pinkett Smith. I wonder how many times that’s happened. Taraji P Henson just won an award for something or other. She’s hot, but why are black celebrities rocking the same hair-style as Pete Wentz from Fall Out Boy?
9:28pm- Uhuru and Uhuru present an award to Keri Hilson. Kanye’s the only one in celebrity row standing and clapping. Keri… Keri… Nobody cares.
9:30pm- Jamie Foxx is singing again. Dunno if this is filler, or if this was in his contract. They’re doing “She Got Her Own”, the remix, and Ne-Yo just walked out. can’t complain, I like this one. Very mellow rendition. Ne-Yo uses class, sincerely.
9:31pm- And here comes shouting-ass Fabolous. I like Fab, and I’m glad he’s out here, but he’s fucking up the energy. Ne-Yo pulling double duty.
9:32pm- Why is EVERY OTHER SONG incorporating Yung Joc’s “It’s Goin’ Down”/That “eenie meenie miney mo” song cadence? “Blame it”, “She got her own”, Fab’s
got a couple like that–even that Mary Mary song. It’s making me a little queasy.
9:34pm- Keith Sweat. Keith. Sweat. Keith Sweat? Okay, I’m getting up and getting some ibuprofen. And maybe some cocaine. And maybe some MoJo.
9:37pm- Guy? Nice! I liked that song. Kanye was smiling. LeBron dancing is fun. AND BELL BIV DEVOE??? As Jim Ross would say it: “Business is picking up!”
9:38pm- Shot of Diddy in the audience making the “Mabe I should’ve let New Edition be New Edition and not tried making them 112 when I signed them” face.
9:39pm- Another shot of Puffy making his “Fuck no I’m not letting The Lox have their publishing” face in the direction of BBD. Ne-Yo joined them on stage. Nice.
9:40pm- Shot of Drake in the audience. Drake. Buddy. Your clock is already on 8 minutes, and your album isn’t out yet. That backlash is going to be so entertaining I can’t wait.
9:45pm- Ray J and the Real Housewives of Atlanta. An hour and fifteen more minutes. I can do this. I can do this. Where’s Burgess Meredith to yell at me ’til I’m motivated wen I need him?
9:46pm- No idea who’s singing this MiJac song. The name of the song’ll come to me. It’s one of the slow pretty ones. Ahhh! “Heal The World”. Tell you what, SNAFUs and some cringeworthy stuff aside, they’re really trying with this show.
9:49pm- Keyshia Cole is out. With ugly hair. This is not a good hair nite for black women. I like Keyshia, but I don’t like that she got her teeth fixed. I’m normally anti-gap, but Keyshia won me over with her pained vocals on Diddy’s “Last Night”. I really felt that. I mean, she could still get it. Whoa! Is that Monica? It is!
9:50pm- Brandy just flung her remote thru her flatscreen. even tho’ Brandy’s “Right Here (Departed)” is amazing, and HER song on Diddy’s “Press Play” (“Thought You Said”) was incredible.
9:52pm- Outstanding vocals on this performance. Sincerely. Monica’s hair is atrocious, too. Attention BET Awards Hair Stylist: *in Vince McMahon voice* YOU’RE FIIIIIIRED!
9:53pm- Another shot of Kanye West sitting next to the female Dr. Evil.
9:54pm- Classy affair tonite overall. Not nearly the trainwreck I thought it’d be. I need to quit reading these blog recaps of shows. Fargin’ haters, man.
9:55pm- I want Nachos. Might be too late for them. Plus, I’m almost caught up and I’d looove to be done with this by 11:30pm.
9:56pm- “Ice Age 3-D” is coming out. Finally, a 3-D installment to a movie franchise I don’t care about at all!
9:58pm- Nice moment about the mayor of Philadelphia City, MO. Jamie still has a tattoo on the back of his head for unknown reasons.
9:59pm- Marlon Wayans and Jeremy Piven. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. That moment needed all four of those “Wow”s. It really did. “If it wasn’t for Michael Jackson, people like Justin Timberlake would be selling curly fries somewhere in the valley.” Dare to dream, Jeremy. Dare to dream.
10:01pm- Best Female R’n’B star. Beyonce should just start walking up there now. Yep, it’s Beyonce. She’s incredible. She really is. Gorgeous, incredible voice, excellent song selection, elegant, classy, and married to the coolest guy on the planet. (No, not me. Jay-Z!)
10:02pm- Jamie just say Beyonce down in her seat. Bey looked scared, but she just did that cuz Jay-Z was coming out. Thank God. HOVA! HOVA! HOVA!
10:03pm- “This is Sinatra at the opera…” Awesome.
10:04pm- Beyonce looks adorable singing along. Them two are in love, and it’s obvious. They rank about a -24 on the ACS.
10:05pm- Shot of Diddy again, with his “My alpha dog status is being threatened” look. Diddy is the one man face factory. I love this f’n song. So good, even if Jay did say “I might send this to Drake and Weezy” instead of “…the mixtape Weezy”. That was a bit political, but it’s fargin’ Jay-Z!
10:08pm- AND WE’RE LIVE! The DVR caught up! Jamie Foxx is in the cheap seats. The camera-man fell. The crowd is going nuts. AAaaand some dude is holding up a copy of his CD. Wow.
10:10pm- Day 26 us coming out on stage. Why, I don’t know. These guys make me pine for LFO.
10:11pm- Don Cornelius is on-stage, shouting out Joe Jackson, Al Sharpton, and Dick Cheney. Ol’ Don isn’t looking to good. Not to be TOO flippant, but if him and Dick Clark hosted a show right now, it’d be called “What did he just say? I can’t understand a word he’s saying.”
10:14pm- I’d like to issue a formal apology for that last joke. It was meaner than I wanted it to be. Sidebar: I’m on facebook right now and some friends of mine have been going to weddings left’n’right, and posting pictures. Is there anything more pointless than taking pictures of a wedding once everyone’s walked down the aisle? Seriously, it’s 45 pictures of people with their back turned. Maybe you get a…
10:15pm- TEVIN FUCKING CAMPBELL?? Did they beam him back down to earth? Will he do “Round & Round”? Wow. Our first “moment” of the nite after the New Edition tribute. Wow.
10:17pm- Tyrese is out for the O’Jay’s tribute. I like Tyrese. BTW, Transformers 2 was awesome. Fuck whatcha heard.
10:18pm- …nice shot of the bride and groom kissing or lighting those candles, but that’s it. The rest of the pictures are far away and blurry, and there are rarely cleavage pictures in any of the pictures of the Reception. When I get married, I’m doing a dress rehearsal just so people can take some good pictures. Showtime tux, showtime dress, and then photoshop the rest if necessary. Okay, sidebar over.
10:20pm- Yes, I did have a tangent inside of a tangent. 40 more minutes. I can do this. I can do this.
10:22pm- Okay, check that. People can just take pictures during the ceremony. Get on up and move around, take some pictures. Make ’em count. If you’re that into my wedding, knock yourself out. Also, dope tribute from Tyrese and Company. Very, very classy.
10:23pm- Oh, and since I’m at it: Motown Oldies > Classic Rock. I’m sorry, White America–but FUCK classic rock. It just can’t hang, and it’s ridiculous that that old-ass southern rock is considered classic, but the motown hits from 40 years ago are called “Oldies”. I will now formally invite you to blow me.
10:24pm- Ouch, Don Cornelius has hijacked the show. Either that, or nobody wants to give him the hook. They should have someone play him off. His speech has officially reached “Cringeworthy” status.
10:26pm- Don is STILL talking. This would never happen on the Oscars. They couldn’t possibly have budgeted 20 minutes for this. Kanye West is RIGHT THERE! He couldn’t do a song? LOL.. And now the O’Jay’s are clowning on Don! Wonderful.
10:28pm- And the LA crowd is boo’ing LeBron James after a shoutout from the O’Jay’s. Wonderful. We’re back to being entertaining.
10:31pm- ONE OF THE O’JAY’S JUST CUSSED! Yes! Our 3rd moment! Bra. Vo.
10:33pm- And now the O’Jay’s are singing. I definitely could’ve gotten nachos. I’ve seen these moments happen too often before. Everyone in that place is ready to go home. This should’ve happened before the Jay-Z performance. Hova would’ve woken everyone up.
10:34pm- 26 more minutes. 26 more minutes. 26 more minutes.
10:35pm- The O’Jay’s tribute is STILL GOING. Worst part is, in 20 years, I can see a Jay-Z tribute going just as long, with my bastard son blogging and going, “Who is Jay-Z? This sucks.”
10:37pm- I think I was still in High School when this tribute started.
10:39pm- STILL GOING. The crowd’s back into it, and we have another shot of Kanye West snuggling with his bald chick.
10:4opm- Shot of Soulja Boy wondering who the F these guys are. I think my brain just swelled. 20 more minutes…20 more minutes…20 more minutes…
10:42pm- STILL GOING. This is amazing. Remember, this started out with Day 26 coming out, and now it’s like we’re on day 26 of this tribute.
10:43pm- It’s done. Finally. Finally done. I feel like those hostages in movies that run off the plane and hug their family. I’m gonna go hug my father.
10:46pm- My ass has fallen asleep. My head hurts. I’m hungry. Sundays are miserable affairs in general (hard to get plans going, evenings feel like they end at 6pm, annoying “you have to go to work tomorrow!” nagging), but this is especially tough.
10:47pm- Feedback from the mic. That’s actually less annoying than that O’Jay’s tribute. That tribute was like watching a WGBWF match. If you’ve made it this far, please let me know by asking me what the heck a WGBWF match is.
10:49pm- The President/CEO or whatever of BET is out. Another black lady with an atrocious Pete Wentz haircut. Seriously, it’s like every black woman but Beyonce walked into a salon and either said “Make me look like Pete Wentz” or said “Make me look like Tom Hanks from ‘The DaVinci Code’.”
10:55pm- Wyclef doing charity work in Haiti. Gotta applaud Wyclef for that. I’m tired and ready for this to be over, but ‘Clef deserves props. Oh, Alicia Keys is in on that too. Good for both of them.
10:56pm- Ugh.. Just saw a tweet that said Young Money (Lil’ Wayne & Drake and co.) are performing. Bah. I like that “We like herrr and we like her tooo” song, but I haaaate Drake. Too much, too soon, not worthy of ANY of it. I’m gonna pace the Drake Bashing because there will be a LOT of it. Still, I’m a sucker for watching live rap to see if it’s good, or if it’s 22 dudes on stage yelling and walking around.
11:03pm- Whoa! G.I. Joe just looks SICK. I bet it’s gonna be a “Mortal Kombat 1”-esque sleeper hit. Or, it’ll be the Van Damme “Street Fighter” level bomb. Either way, it’ll be entertaining.
11:06pm- Taraji again! Her hair makes me sad. So sad. LOL.. “Baby Boy” spoof! Nice little bit. I like Tyrese. Still haven’t seen this movie. Still won’t. I wonder if Snoop is gonna come out in a wife beater.
11:07pm- Another shot of Kanye. Okay, I’ll cease the man crush. PausePausePause.
11:09pm- T.I. and Rhianna win some award. Neither is there. Ohhh, the viewers choice award. Okay. T.I.’s Barney Rubble lookin’ ass wife was there.
11:10pm- Ving Rhames is out! The Baby Boy stuff continues! I’m amused, but I’m still not gonna watch it.
11:12pm- Beyonce has this “Wow. I’m still here? I should be above this.” look whilst accepting the “Video of the Year” award. 3 hours plus. You gotta be kidding me. This is worse than the Oscars, isn’t it? I have no idea. Even my toenails hurt.
11:15pm- Jamie Foxx introduces Maxwell. I like good r’n’b. I miss ballads sooo much. I have nothing against Maxwell, I’m just ready for this to be over. I don’t think even I’ll make it this far on the proofread. Halfway thru the “Tribute to the O’Jay’s” stuff I’m just gonna hit “Publish” and then crawl under my desk and cry.
11:19pm- Next time I do a running diary, it’s gonna be of a Taco Bell commercial.
11:20pm- The O’Jay’s. Good. I was afraid we wouldn’t hear from them.
11:23pm- It’s hot. I’m hungry. THERE’S AN ENCORE OF THIS SHOW?? *blinks* No… NO… NOOOOOOOOO!
11:24pm- Joining the hair stylist on the unemployment line? Whoever’s doing the TelePrompTer.
11:25pm- Drake performance. No… NO… NOOOOOOOOO! This dude’s real name is Aubrey. AUBREY.
11:26pm- And he can’t recreate the sound of his records. I’m already done. This guy must have pictures of Lil’ Wayne fucking a horse. He’s fucking terrible. Maybe he won one of those “half-court shot at halftime” contests to be the next artist I can’t wait to just faaaaade awaaayyy.
11:27pm- Lil’ Wayne. Speaking of “can’t recreate the sound his records”. He sounds awful.
11:28pm- Okay, it’s only 4 guys on stage yelling. Why is Drake is sitting? Why am I still watching this? Okay, I give up. The empty tummy wins, and Pop Dukes just gave the decree that it’s dinner time. I did my best.
11:30pm- Young Money was awful.
11:4opm- Jamie & Ne-Yo close the show. Nice.
Call Reynolds, Cuz it’s a Wrap.
You fuckers better leave comments!