Dr. Beardhussein Lists the Symptoms of True Partners in Crime
It’s Go Time.
So as my Total Time Single pushes on to it’s 6th straight year, I’ve noticed I get more and more bizarre. Not that posts like “That’s How You Know” or “The Annoying Couple Scale” weren’t hints, but every now and then the TTS leads to some more amusing thoughts:
1- My idea that girls that let me get to third base (the base system will never get old. ever.) or better should qualify for a special tax credit. Wait, there’s more. I was bouncing that idea off my BFAM Bob Smith and we decided that this program could be extended, with various levels. Now me, I’m just a fat guy. I’ve got a great personality and I’m mostly cute, so really you just have to deal with the excess me. The way I figure it, given my high level of in-the-be’room skill, and my status as a genuinely nice guy, the Booty To Lonely Guys Tax Credit would be around $500. Not enough money so that it’d be a no-brainer to sleep with me, but enough to make up for any potential psychological issues a girl might get from compromising her standards.
The thing is tho’, what about dudes that are way fugly? Or potentially malodorous? Or woefully bad lovers? See, the BTLG Tax Credit would have to go up. If you have a girl that’s gonna be killed on her income taxes owed, you can’t toss her a measly $500 for hooking up with a beastly, unskilled smelly dude. You gotta up that to at least a grand. A $1,000 tax credit goes a long way to washing off the mental stank of sleeping with a troll.
Finally, you max out at $1,500. This tier would include fugly smelly dudes with horrible personalities and maybe some physical deformity. Now, I know this sounds bad, but look at it from this level of dude’s perspective. He’s lonely. He’s smelly. He’s probably given up all hope. Then, all of the sudden, (yes, I typo’d that on purpose) this chick comes along and says, “Okay Fugs McKenzie, it’s your lucky day. Unzip, Strip, and let’s get flip.” This guy’s whole day, his whole year has been made. Even if he never hooks up again, he’s got some Happy Baking Thoughts to last a lifetime. Really, this girl is doing this guy a favor, AND she’s getting $1,500 in tax credits for the deal. It’s a win-win-win all around.
2- The “Do You Know Anybody?” Bit. Or, as it’s more commonly known, “How Danny Got Herpes”. So, before he met his girlfriend Stephanie, me and my buddy Danny would, at least once a week, go to the Taco Bell by us and ponder why we were single. As such, I’d encourage him to talk to the girls we know and network a bit. You know, see if any of them had any single friends. Here’s how the most epic of those conversations played out:
Rey- “Dude, just ask if anyone we know has any hot single friends.”
Danny- “Um, Sweet, I dunno if that’ll work.”
Rey- “Dude, Seriously? Of course it will. You’re cute. If I asked such’n’such, they’d be like, ‘Oh, ya know? All of the girls I know are either old or married. Sorry!’. You know that’s bullshit!”
Danny- “Um, Sweet, Right.”
Rey- “Right, total bullshit. But if you asked, I guarantee they’d say, ‘You know what? My friend blah-blah just got out of a relationship. I think you’d like her!’. It’s like that old joke about the guy walking into a hotel and asking if they had a room available, and they say no. Then he asks if the Pope walked in, would they have a room, and the hotel clerk says yes. Then the guy goes Well, the pope isn’t coming, so give me the room you were gonna give him.”
Danny- “Um, Sweet, Right.”
Rey- “Dude, it’d totally happen that way. It’s like if we went up to a girl and said: ‘Okay, you’ve got your choice of Rey or Danny’. They’d pick you every time. And then we’d have to say, ‘Okay, what about Rey, or Danny–only Danny’s got the Herp.’ They’d go, ‘Is the herp flaring?’ and I’d be dumbfounded and say, ‘No, it’s not flaring.’ Then they’d say, ‘Oh, then Danny with the herp, totally.’
Herego, how Danny got herpes. True Story: His name in my phone has been listed as “Danny Herp” since 2006.
3- The least-inspired sexually deviant thought I’ve ever had. I was on the Facebook, and a I saw a cute picture of a friend that I used to work with, and I said “Ahh such’n’such. I would put stuff where stuff goes.”
Anyway, in that vein of “I’ve been single so long that I think I might be going juuuust a bit crazy”, I was pondering which celebrity tandems would make the best WingMen. There are a couple of guidelines that each team were judged on.
A- If I was hanging out with them, would girls even pay attention to the fat non-famous one?
B- Would the duo make me look good to girls that were paying attention to the fat non-famous one?
C- Would either of the team-members (pause) cockblock me in tribute to their own ego?
D- What kind of chicks would I get if the answers to A & B were “Yes” and C was “No”?
So you gotta keep those in mind when judging them. I was gonna do this Tournament Style, but that would take wayyy too much work. So, I’m gonna break them down into 4 groups: Honorable Mention, Stay Far Away From These Guys, Good-But-Flawed, The Runners-Up, and The Most Epic WingMen Team Possible.
Honorable Mention (ie It’d be amusing to spend a nite out at a bar/club with these guys but the booty count would be nil):
~ President Barack Obama and Vice President Joe Biden. It’d be neat, but Obama would get all the attention, and you’d be stuck listening to Joe Biden yap all nite.
~ Bill S. Preston, Esq and Ted “Theodore” Logan. If you noticed, they had to go all the way to medieval England to land chicks. Plus, you’d leave the bar and be using Bill & Ted slang for the next week. It’d be worse than when I watch too much “Scrubs” and end up talking like Dr. Cox for the next few days. That gets re-heee-eeally tiresome.
~ Mike Myers & Dana Carvey. Um, yeah. Chicks don’t like guys who, 10 minutes into the evening, pummel Austin Powers while screaming “WHY ARE YOU SO TERRIBLE!? WHY ARE YOU SO F**KING TERRIBLE?!”
~ Roger Rabbit & Eddie Valient. You couldn’t take Eddie to a bar because he’s a recovering alcoholic with a pushy girlfriend. Roger might be f’n hilarious, but he’d probably get kicked out for hopping behind the bar and trying to serve drinks. Out of the four teams in the “Honorable Mention” section, this might be the one I’d go with. You can’t top Roger f’n Rabbit.
Stay Far Away From These Guys (ie These fuckers would totally cockblock you, or make you look goofy, or be disinterested in helping your Uncle The Hussein land a quality chick).
~ Matt Damon & Ben Affleck. Ben’s married to Jennifer Garner. There’s no way he’s gonna be into helping me out. Shit, I wouldn’t be either. I’d be staring at my watch going, “Fuck, how long do I have to be out here before I can go back home to Jennifer Garner?”. Matt Damon might be game for a little bit, but you know some douchebag would start some shit with him, Call him “Will Hunting” or something and then he’d get pissed and leave.
~ Brad Pitt & George Clooney. Um, yeah. I’d be killed in the stampede. There’s too much good looking happening there, and you know an entire slew of chicas would do anything to say they were able to distract a guy who’s married to Angelina Jolie.
~ Leonardo DiCaprio & Tobey Maguire. Ya know, I like Tobey as “SpiderMan/Peter Parker”, and while I won’t ever admit to liking him, I hate Leo infinitely less since I saw “The Departed”–but I can see those guys being total dicks. Something about that lineup says they’d leave me at the bar halfway thru the nite, but not before cockblocking me at every turn. No dice.
~ Kanye West & Lil’ Wayne. Look, we all know my mancrush on Kanye has reached “Uncomfortable” status, but I can’t see him putting much effort into helping me get chicks. Lil’ Wayne is on record as saying he wants to “F*ck every woman in the world”, so you know the Cockblock-O-Meter is gonna be RED from the second he walks into the bar. Plus, Wayne probably looks even creepier in real life. He’d scare off the kinda white women I’d dig. Back to ‘Ye for a second. While I think he’d be awesome to meet on the street, I think he’d be another one to leave the bar after an hour. Someone would mess up a drink order or step on his $400 Louis Vuitton sneakers and he’d be like “Fuck this. We’re leaving!”. On the bright side, I do think he’d leave me with some spending money for the rest of the nite.
~ Zach Braff & Donald Faison. D-Faison would be funny, and charming. Zach would totally cockblock me with the girl I liked the most. I can see this happening 99 times out of 100.
Good-But-Flawed (ie These guys would be fun, and MIGHT get me chicks, but ultimately, I don’t think their star power is high enough to get a girl to go home with me)
~ Paul Rudd & Seth Rogen. Seth Rogen is fucking hilarious. Paul Rudd is awesome. You’ve got P-Rudd’s cuteness to lure girls in. He’d totally leave with like 3 chicks. S dot Rogiddy (his twitter handle, btw) would lure them in, but I can see him being too shy to really convince a girl that what she really needs is to join Rey’s “Oh Shit!” club. Note to this entry: I was gonna include Jason Segel in this, but he had to be excluded. Why? Because he’s sensitive. And tall. And better looking than I am. I mean, I’ve got the sensitive thing down, but I can’t be taller or better looking. He had to go. HOP OFF MY STEEZ, JASON SEGEL!
~ Bill Murray & Harold Ramis. I had to go with a couple of Ghostbusters on this list. I think B-Murray can still lure in some quality chicks, but while H-Ram (oh yes I did) is funny and clever, his profile isn’t high enough to really work with the 23-28 year old chicks I’d be looking for. ***THIS JUST IN: LEFT HANDED PEOPLE SUCK!*** (sorry, inside joke–I had to). Anyway, it’d probably be an incredibly funny nite–especially if they texted Chevy Chase enough so that he came out. I wonder if I can make this happen? *ponders*
~ Colin Farrell & Jamie Foxx. See… There’s a chance the Clooney-Pitt rule could apply here, but Colin’s Irish, and Jamie’s funny. You know what? I don’t think they belong here. I might have to re-evaluate them.
~ Tom Hanks & Will Smith. I know these dudes don’t really hang out, but I think they’d work well together. Will Smith is pretty much the most awesome guy on the planet, and Tom Hanks oozes class & charm. Thing is, I think the chicks they’d pull would skew a bit older, and more lookin’-for-marriage’y. Mind you, I’m totally looking forward to that too, but this is more about raucous “I can’t believe this is happening” sex than cuddly cute sex. It pains me to leave them in this category, it really does. Let’s just move on.
The Runners-Up (ie these teams are good–maybe even great–but they aren’t beating the winners).
~ Ryan Reynolds & Samuel L. Jackson. Alright, on one side, you’ve got RyRey. He’s cute, he’s hilarious, but he’s married to IATS’ reigning Hottest Woman On The Planet, Scarlett F’n Johansson. RyRey isn’t doing anything to screw that up. He’s smart. He knows that it’s impossible to move UP from ScarJo. He can only move laterally from her. A lateral move for one nite is just NOT worth losing Scarlett F’n Johansson. On the other side, you’ve got Samuel L. Jackson. You know Sam’s gonna be aces all nite long. He’s gonna be hilarious, he’s gonna get respect from dudes that would try to start some shit if it was just me and RyRey. Plus? There’s no way Sam Jackson lets anyone pay for anything when he’s around. He gives that vibe. Again, these guys are good–they’re just not better. You’ll see.
~ Jamie Foxx & Colin Farrell. Colin’s Irish, and likes the drink, so you know he’s gonna be fun. He’s gonna have chicks around him, but since he’s cool, he’ll insist that ol’ Rey gets some attention. Jamie Foxx is gonna be hilarious. He’ll get up in the DJ Booth and start cracking jokes. Colin and Jamie will probably try to out pay-for-stuff. The thing is… I can see them getting caught up in out-awesoming each other and letting my noble quest for booty fall to the wayside. In retropackle, I should’ve kept them up in Good-But-Flawed. See? That’s why you gotta work these things out.
~ Diddy & Jay-Z. Jay-Z would just be the coolest guy in the place. Posted up, champagne, hot chicks all around–but he’s going home with Beyonce (also on the Lateral list) so there’s no competition. Diddy is buying out the bar, making sure awesome music is played, taking pictures’n’shit. He only messes with Actress/Singer chicks, so all the other chicks aren’t really gonna wind up with him either. I can see them convincing chicks to make my nite awesome…but not epic. Ultimately, I think Diddy’s energy and Jay-Z’s cool would end up clashing. I can see them both picking one girl and putting too much pressure on her to hook up with me. Again, like with the Ghostbusters, it’d still be an awesome nite, just not one that ends up with an awkward exchange the next morning as the girl slinks off to go claim her $500 tax credit.
The Most Epic WingMen Team Possible. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you the winnders: The Rock and George Clooney. I’ll explain.
George Clooney: I know I excluded him before, but here’s the thing. You can’t team him up with Brad Pitt. I’d be lost in the shuffle. G-Cloo still brings a billion things to the table. He’s an older guy with charm and humor, he’s good looking, he’s got dough, he’s not looking to settle down so you know he’s gonna be game for whatever. He hangs out with friggin’ SuperModels, so he’s not gonna have any hiccups in his women-talkin’-to game. Plus, he does charitable stuff. He’ll have these girls thinking I’m the short, fat, puerto-cuban Dalai Lama. You just need to team him up with a higher energy guy who brings different things to the table.
The Rock: Now, by himself, or with anyone else, and you would most likely have a guy that’d make me look goofy for the entire nite before one last “No, but seriously, blow him” comment that would be too little, too late. Or, he’d cockblock me just because he could. But! You team him up with a bigger star, a more suave guy, and he becomes the *barf* Pippen to G-Cloo’s *barfbarfbarf* Jordan. He uses the charm to make me look awesome, and will undoubtedly fabricate stories that make me look awesome.
Once you combine the two, forget about it. They’re buying out the bar. Every girl in the place is paying attention to them–and they’re wondering who the fat guy is that’s hanging out with The Rock and George F’n Clooney. They can get any girl in the world, and therefore their “8’s” would be the equivalent of my “14’s”. There’s no way…AND THE ROCK MEANS NO WAY…that I go out to a bar with The Rock and George Clooney and NOT score with a ridiculously hot chick. Or two.
Therefore, the winner of the 2009 Celebrity WingMen Olympics are Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and George Clooney.
Call Reynolds, Cuz It’s A Wrap.
Okay kids, that’s it. I hope everyone is enjoying their Fourth of July weekend. I was down for a bit, but I’m feeling great again. Life is beautiful.
As always, comments, critiques, criticisms and additions/subtractions/rebuttals to my list can be left below in the Dr. Donda West-Christopher Wallace Memorial Comments Section.
Thanks for tuning in,