Dr. Beardhussein Dares To Blaspheme
It’s Go Time.
So, I don’t know how, and I don’t know why, but all of the sudden (typo intended) I got thinking about The Wonder Years, and Kevin and Winnie, and the infamous “Becky Slater” storyline. I’ll sum up:
After their pilot-episode kiss, Kevin and Winnie played the “Will They, Won’t They” game. Fuck Ross and Rachel’s stupid asses from Friends. Forget about Kelly Kapowski and Zack Morris from Saved By The Bell. Forget about J.D. & Elliott from Scrubs. Kevin and Winnie were, for my generation, the original WTWT couple.
In the first or second season, Winnie was slumming it with Kirk McCray, the late 60’s or early 70’s version of my hated Tall White Guys With Bad Hair And Nice Abs. Kevin essentially got relegated to 2nd place while Winnie carried on with this pretty boy douchebag. It drove him insane.
How insane? Becky Slater insane.
Kevin, Paul, and Winnie’n’Kirk *growls* were at the ice skating rink, and Winnie was being all “I’m so happy, blah blah blah, he’s tall with not-poofy hair, blah blah blah”, and Kevin snapped. (and not because motherfucking Kirk McCray kept calling him “Kevbo”).
Kevin, skating like a mad man, went right up to Becky Slater, and said a line that, over the years, would be repeated by Mario (my little brother) and I roughly twenty four billion times:
“Wanna go steady?”
And thus, Kevin Arnold and Becky Slater were together.
If you know your The Wonder Years lore, you know that Kevin’s nice guy side took over and he eventually realized he didn’t like Becky. He realized that she didn’t deserve to be made a pawn in his emotional entanglement with Winnie F’n Cooper. So, ol’ Kevin decided he was gonna do the honorable thing and broke up with her. Kevin did, however, make one mistake.
He said something about them being friends, which lead to another bit Mario and I rehashed about thirty-two billion times over the next few years:
“Friends!? I’ll give you ‘Friends’!!”
(Becky then punches Kevin out cold)
If you know your Rey lore, you know that, in late 2003, I wrote a song called “Searching For Winnie Cooper”. If you know me better, you know that in 2004, I recorded that song. Lousy execution, brilliant idea. The lyrics were awesome, but the session was rushed and, fun fact, I can’t sing.
Anyway, a few months ago a thought came to me and it kinda hit me rather hard: Kevin never did end up with Winnie. In the last episode, it was revealed that he ended up staying friends with Winnie and ended up as the BEST MAN AT HER FRIGGIN’ WEDDING!
Excuse me, I have to light myself on fire.
So yeah. Kevin never ended up with Winnie, so why the F am I keeping that relationship dynamic in such rosy light? They had some nice moments, but she drove poor Kevin crazy! She had daddy issues, sure, but she kept finding new and inventive ways to shit on the guy. Before Kelly Kapowski cheated on Zack with Jeff, evil manager at The Max, Winnie was hooking up with some dude at a summer camp that Kevin went thru ridiculous ordeals to end up at JUST TO SPEND MORE TIME WITH HER.
Excuse me, I have to reapply gasoline.
So now we come to the crux, and that crux is this: Would Kevin Arnold have been better off sticking with Becky Slater?
I am legitmately torn. Becky Slater was cuter–rounder nose, but Winnie always had a chipmunk teeth kinda thing. Sure, she’s hot stuff now (her HIMYM cameos were legen…wait for it…dary!), but back then she would’ve made just as much sense playing Kevin’s twin sister–that’s kinda weird in retrospect.
You know what? Let’s break this down down pull your pants:
Becky Slater’s Pros: Blonde, Cute, Devoted, Affectionate, Kind of Gangster.
Winnie Cooper’s Pros: Girl Next Door Brunette, Also cute, Sweet, Sense of humor, Nice to nerdy best friends.
Becky Slater’s Cons: Kiiinda possessive, Punches dudes out upon rejection, showed signs of “Two Weeks going on Two Years” syndrome.
Winnie Cooper’s Cons: Unfaithful, Always looking for new, shinier situations. The bad kind of daddy issues. Emotionally distant.
Alright, so, the question goes: Would you rather have the distant girl who you’ll always have to chase ($80 billion dollars says Winnie was a friggin’ Aries), or would you rather have the devoted girl who will probably grow to be jealous and insecure 24/7? ($79,999,999,999 says Becky was a friggin’ Scorpio).
For me, knowing how I work, I’d do exactly what Kevin did. Dump the clingy one who might be that way with EVERY GUY SHE EVER DATES (word to Craig Hobson), for the crazy distant one who will only call me when she’s upset or her current BF is messing up. Of course, I’m insane. Let’s just move on.
Uncle The Hussein’s Verdict: Given Kevin’s oppressive home environment, and emotional neediness, I think he should’ve stayed with Becky Slater. Kevin showed signs of incredible fortitude (no doubt in my mind he was a Leo), and I think he could’ve handled Becky Slater’s crazy. I don’t know what Paul Pfeiffer would’ve thought, but he had Carla Healy, and I think Carla and Becky were friends, so they could’ve double dated and whatnot.
Kevin, amigo, you made the wrong move.
Call Reynolds, Cuz it’s a Wrap.
Alright kids, that’s it for today. I hope you enjoyed my analysis. In case you’re wondering, yes, I wrote this at work. I love my new job.
Anyway, as always, comments, questions, critiques, and reasons why Winnie was >>> Becky, can be left below in the Dr. Donda West-Christopher Wallace Memorial Comments Section.
Thanks for tuning in.