“Human sacrifice, dogs & cats living together… mass hysteria!”

Dr. Beardhussein is back…and apparently he missed a lot.

*ahem*

It’s Go Time.

“Heard any good jokes lately?”

So… Lemme get this straight. Chris Brown beats the righteous kung fu fuck outta Rihanna, and people rush to defend him. KanYe West interrupts Taylor Swift’s awards speech…and he’s vilified.

Chris Brown beats Rihanna, chokes her, threatens to kill her, and people turn their heads on some ol’ Kitty Genovese ish. KanYe West gives us a quote (“Imma let you finish…”) that was driven into the ground in record time, surpassing even “I’m Rick James, bitch!” in the pantheon of Phrases Beaten So Far Into The Ground That The Chinese Are Wondering What These Strange New Trees Are (look, I’m rusty), and is flogged and admonished by such luminaries as *ahem* P!nk, Katy Perry and Kelly Clarkson.

Hey, P!nk and Kelly Clarkson, let’s see the tweets calling Chris Brown an asshole, a douchebag, or the biggest piece of shit on the planet. Oh, that’s right. Ya’ll were quiet as FUCK during that whole thing. So, as the Grand Imperial Lead Blogger of It Ain’t That Serious, I formally invite you to blow me, and as an added bonus, have coated my donger in PERSPECTIVE.

Assholes.

Summer Movie Snoozin’

As we all know, I’m a huuuge movie buff. I like good movies. I like bad movies. I love epic movies, even if I hated Epic Movie. I like being in the theater. I like popcorn. I like soda. I like that the seats at the Regal Deer Park lean back (Lean Back, Lean Back…). I like that the outside of the theater looks amazing, old timey, and just plain beautiful at nite.

However.

*in Stephen A. Smith voice*

HOWEVA!

However, Summer Movie Season 2009 was lackluster. I mean, there were a lot of huge blockbuster movies, but none of them felt like events. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely loved Star Trek, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, and Terminator Salvation… but that was about it. Even then, I had to think for about a good 30 seconds before I came up with “Terminator”.

You contrast that with SMS2k7 and right off the bat I can name Transformers, Live Free or Die Hard, SuperBad, Knocked Up, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, The Simpsons, SpiderMan, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Shrek the Third… I named those in about 10 seconds.

You get my point, right? This summer was kinda lacking for me, cinematically. Maybe I’m jaded. Maybe I’m spoiled. Maybe I’m just getting old and cranky and cynical. Maybe I finally understand why the folks over at Nah Right are so critical and disposey of music.

Or, maybe I just need to inspired or uber-entertained by movies to get by, and the same amount of entertainment and inspiration isn’t enough to overcome some of the crazy I live with, some of the crazy I’m sure you guys live with, too.

Here’s to hoping SMS2k10 will be better.

Beans, Beans The Musical Fruit…

1- I’m not calling Beanie Sigel fruity. I have zero (0) misconceptions about his pop-a-cap-in-my-assability (I don’t do disclaimers on here–I’m not gay, and therefore I can say whatever suspect things I want, penis donger buttfuck), and want no such cap-poppage.

2- Beans, you’re coming across as whiny in the whole Jay-Z sitcheeation. Duder, you were never his boy. Just cuz you’re apparently more Champ Kind than you ever lot on doesn’t mean that when Jay’s done touring to support The Blueprint 3 you’re gonna move into an apartment together. We get it. You miss his musk.

3- Beanie was an artist signed to a label. This isn’t an Eminem & D-12 thing. This isn’t a Nelly & the St. Lunatics thing. You were an employ-the fuck-ee. Don’t blame Jay-Z for your shortcomings when you were given AMAZING opportunities. Your ceiling was…preeetttyy much what your career turned out to be, whether or not you were a druggie convict.

4- I’ll say it again: All these people that had complaints about Jay-Z shoulda fuckin’ said something BEFORE he was on the level he’s at now. Say something back then, like Jaz-O did. Don’t wait until he’s worth half a billion dollars and still just as popular/relevant as he ever was.

Ugh.

Me, Myself, and Planet Fitness.

Soooo for the last month plus I’ve been going to the gym. As all of you know, I’m pretty fat, and this kinda thing has been long overdue. I’m doing the gym thing for a few reasons, absolutely none of which have to do with being called a Fat Fuck, Fat Shit, Fat Bastard, or basically any other name that starts out with “Fat” and ends in a cuss word.

That being said, here are the reasons:

1- “You’re not gonna get any NEW chicks.” (c) The Big Homey Jay quoting our college Softball/Basketball gym teacher guy. Sad but true. This year, statistically, has been fucking abysmal, girl-wise. I even got the “not my type” bomb dropped on me by a girl who knows dang effing well that I am, in fact, her type, personality-wise. I’m just not a *say it with me* Tall White Guy With Nice Abs and Bad Hair. Fair enough. It’s her loss, but the point isn’t lost on me. I need to lose weight–quite a bit–if I’m gonna have a shot at meeting someone worth a dang, and having something fun and amazing develop from it.

2- “I love you and want you to be around for a long time.” (c) My awesome friend Kate. Yep, that’s the other bit of it. My grandparents, all 4 of them, are still alive and all 80+. EIGHTY. PLUS. That means that, barring illness or accident, I have the potential to have another 55 years or so left on planet Earth. I don’t wanna be the one who fucks up the lineage and squanders the genetics because I couldn’t overcome a crippling addiction to chicken wings, ya’ll.

3- “Sick & Tired of being Sick & Tired.” (c) Anonymous. This past summer I was sick every other week. I had a cold. Then I couldn’t stop going to the bathroom. Then I had an ear infection. It reeeeaaallly started to suck. Then a friend pointed out that I eat horribly, and am probably malnutritioned. Mind you, I thought the same thing you’re thinking. “Malnutrition? Isn’t that like those kids in Somalia or Ethiopia?”. Nope, it can happen when you eat a diet consisting of Buffalo Wild Wings & Taco Bell. No vitamins, no nutrients, no good stuff. Celery doesn’t really count. Lettuce & Tomatoes don’t really count if they’re hangin’ with ground beef, cheese, & sour cream. Hence, the sick.

3A- Um, also? Yeah, eating crappy is gonna make you feel, well, crappy. Low energy, lower moods. Eating right is gonna make you feel, well, right. More energy, better moods, and the good feeling that comes with knowing you’re doing the right things.

4- “Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don’t shoot their husbands, they just don’t.” (c) Elle Woods. Again, no husband, as I’m into chicks, but the lesson applies. The people that have been down from day 1 know that I’m “emo”, but the more accurate way of saying it is that I probably have an undiagnosed amount of legit Depression. I know, I know.. “Isn’t that a white people thing?”. No, it’s a human being thing. It’s not bad to where I’m suicidal or I can’t get outta bed and I let my relationships and stuff go to shit, but it also goes a bit past “Just in a funk” or “Low blood sugar” or “Had a bad day” or “Nate Robinson is still with the Knicks” or “Gucci Mane is a recording artist”. It’s real, it sucks, and it can be kinda scary. Therefore, I’m doing my part. Go to the gym, work out some of the old haunts and old ghosts, and handle mah bidniss. I might always lean towards being sad when I’m not actively being happy (take your time with it), but if I can get those endorphins going and build up some momentum, anything is possible.

5- “Eff You Season”. (c) Bill Simmons. Growing up as the fat kid, and then having the fat kid thing not matter, just to have it show up again at the same time a buncha shit is going on elsewhere…kinda sucks. I’ve got my affairs in order in terms of friends and work and even finances, but being single still sucks, and knowing I’m getting shot down on account of my weight (and probably other factors, but let’s keep it crunchy: the fat ain’t helpin’) sucks like a Jim Jones double album. So I’m going to the gym to get into better shape, to give my personality, my charm, my charisma, my sweet guyness, my sense of humor–the important things–a fighting chance. Also? The little chip on my shoulder has a voice, and instead of it telling me I’m not good enough or to do bad shit (see #4), it’s telling me to improve myself. Drop the weight. Improve my life. Be the best human being I can possibly be. Oh yeah, and make sure people regret not buying into me or supporting me at my lowest, so when I ascend I can tell them that they should’ve given me a shot all along, not just because I upped my aesthetics game.

So yeah, that’s the gym thing, and the dominant storyline in ReyLand, aside from how much fun WWE has been the last few weeks.

Call Reynolds, Cuz It’s A Wrap.

Alright kids, that’s it for now. It feels good to be back on IATS. The time off was nice, but I’m back now, hopefully for a while.

As always, comments, questions, critiques, and overlooked Summer Movie Season 2009 flicks can be left below in the Dr. Donda West-Christopher Wallace Memorial Comments Section.

Thanks for tuning in,

–RTH

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10 Responses to ““Human sacrifice, dogs & cats living together… mass hysteria!””

  1. Tank, the commentor formerly known as but still sometimes still called Mark Twain Fame Says:

    BACK AGAIN! IN DA HOUSE AGAIN…BACK, BACK, BACK, BACK, BACK…

    back on your B.S. sir. me likey, oh how I’ve missed thee.

    great point about the Kayne/CB comparison.

    Mostly agree with the summer movies being kinda lackluster (even tho T:TRoTF & T:S were dope as funk) but the fall movie lineup has been pretty good- Paranormal Freak you the fuck out, Fourth Kind, Where the Wild Things Are, etc.

    and one more thing…Yeast Infected Cum Bubbles popped by Blistered bleeding cocks. BAM!

    • reythehussein Says:

      1- Yessir! *high-fives remaining IATSoldiers*

      2- Heh, I’ve missed it too. Took the summer off, but I’m bizzack.

      3- Dude, it’s just disgusting. I get bored, I check out pop culture stuff, and to me it seems like people were far more offended by the black on white rudeness, than the black on black asswhoopin’ of a girl.

      4- Cosiggy, I loved T:TRoTF and T:S. I didn’t see any of those fall movies, but I really wanna see WTWTA.

      5- I’ll see those Yeast Infected Cum Bubbles popped by Blistered bleeding cocks and raise you Vulva the Twat Mobile, and Playskool’s My First Vibrator.

  2. Tank, the commentor formerly known as but still sometimes still called Mark Twain Fame Says:

    And I’m with you on the whole gym thing…I gotta get in great shape to be ready for the ultimate life transformation…Ultra Megamum Daddy Tank (dotn worry not yet…but soon…)

    • reythehussein Says:

      Yeah man, gotta be able to chase around the little tanks! If I can do it, you can do it. Fo’ shizzle. Good luck, famdango.

  3. Tank, the commentor formerly known as but still sometimes still called Mark Twain Fame Says:

    Appreciate that sir. I just need like 70 lbs off, and like 15 o that to be muscle…yeah call me Magnus Samuelsson (google)

    • reythehussein Says:

      LOL.. You gonna start pulling buses with your teeth? Yeah man, 70lbs is the goal for me too. That’ll get me to where I was when I was 22, at the height of my cuteness.

  4. Tank, the commentor formerly known as but still sometimes still called Mark Twain Fame Says:

    I’ll see your Vulva the Twat Mobile, and Playskool’s My First Vibrator and raise you Inflamed Taints of America and Hasbro’s I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant Action Figure —now with bonus Ear Shrieking Labor Pained Screams Action!

  5. Janee Says:

    I had to go back to gym because apparently Phys Ed is still required for a college degree. Who knew. So awful. But soon as my semester was like 2 months in, I met a really hot guy that thought I was hotter than anyone’s ever thought. So, you know, it works. Almost immediately LOL! Get ready for the ladies to really go for you this summer, and if I were you, I would buy those sleeveless shirts lol, and take up a hobby that involves being around people and showing off your arms, like pool. Nothing is hotter than a guy playing pool and you can tell he can do a pushup.

    • reythehussein Says:

      Oh Man, I’m wayyy off from Hot Arm Show Off’y Guy. I’m tryin’ tho’! Good luck in school, and thank you so much for checking in!

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