“I’m In A Lesbian Stronghold!”

Some of Dr. Beardhussein’s Favorite Things, Vol. 2

(Vol. 1 can be found here and you can’t forget about THE LIST.)

It’s Go Time!

“There’s little hearts on her panties!”

I’m sure the world is made up of two kinds of people: Those who like chicks just butt ass naked, and those who prefer chicks in their underwear. As evidenced by the quote above (by the by, all the segments of this blog will be ushered in with quotes from American Pie 2), you can tell that I belong in the latter group.

I mean, I like naked chicks. I just like saying “naked chicks”. Just then? Typing that? I enjoyed it. I enjoyed the heck out of it. Seeing naked chicks in movies or magazines, recalling naked chicks I’ve seen in real life…. Gosh, it’s just nice. That being said, isn’t a chick in her underwear just a tiiiiiny bit more aesthetically pleasing?

I mean, 0kay, I know I look terrible naked. I mean, it is not a pretty sight. If it were up to me, I’d shower with shorts and a t-shirt on. But still, chicks, IMO, look better in something lacy. Or cottony. Or satiny. It’s just so nice. Everything is shaped and sculpted and supported properly, without the rages of time and gravity gumming up the works.

(and whether or not you think this topic is appropriate–you have an opinion on this. i know you do. you know you do. you know that i know that you know you do.)

Anyway, viva las chicas en naughty underwear. Definitely one of my favorite things. Mmmm.

“This is my first time, since my first time.”

Is there anything more exciting and panic-inducing than the first time you’re about to do the squelchy with a new person? Now, not just any ol’ person, not just any ol’ hook-up with someone who you’ll never see after the awkward next morning when you both fold up Danny’s parents’ sofa-bed and she remembers that, oh yeah, she’s got a boyfriend, but figured she’d make sure your record release party was awesome and bittersweet…

…but I digress.

No, I think it’s really awesome when you’re with someone you care about–either a friend you’ve had for a while that you can hook up with without fear of ruining a friendship, or a girl you’ve liked for a long time and you finally got her to go out with you and now things are progressing to The Next Step. (wow, four lines for one sentence!) I mean, there all kinds of nerves and your mind is running thru scenarios, some kind of pre-booty cross between The Terminator’s scanning and the Micro-Machine Man’s talkin’.

“OkayIShouldStartKissingHerAndThenMoveToHerNeckWhatIfSheDoesn’tLike
HerNeckBeingKissedWellWhatIfSheDoesOkayJustKissHerNeckALittleAmI
BreathingTooMuchIsThatTooMuchTongueShouldIMoveToHerNeckHeyI
WonderWhatTheScoreOfTheKnicksGameIsDudeWhyAreYouThinkingAbout
BasketballNOWYou’veGotAHotChickWithYouWaitWaitWaitGetBackToKissing
JustEnjoyTheMomentStupidRightButWe’veBeenKissingForAWhileIReally
ThinkIShouldSwitchToHerNeckOkaySwitchToHerNeckJustDon’tGetSlobbery
AndAboveAllElseDONOTLEAVEAHICKEYOkayTheNeckThingIsDoneNowWe
MoveOntoBoobsTownWhatIfSheDoesn’tWantMeToGoToHerBoobsWellWe’re
AlreadyOntoHerNeckWeCan’tGoBackToKissingOkayWellWhatHappensNow
Uh-OhIHaveToSneezeIsTheDogInTheRoomIThinkTheCandleJustBlewOut…”

and so on and so forth, scanning thru options at a million terabytes a second. It’s petrifying and amazing all at once, and maaann I wouldn’t trade it for a second.

Jim: “What are you doing?”
Stifler: “Looking for more lesbian artifacts.”

(or, a little bit of THIS!)

I will never. Ever. Ever. Outgrow. Seeing. 2. Hot. Girls. Kiss.

I don’t care if I’m 95 years old and half-senile. I’m gonna flip on my copy of American Pie 2 or, I don’t even know, Girls Gone Wild: Chicks of Jupiter Edition and I’m gonna smile my dirty old man smile at watching two hot 20 year old girls kiss.

Lesbians are awesome, and they’ve totally got the right idea. It’s just aesthetically pleasing. Thing is, as I’ve got several friends who are gay or lesbian, I’ve noticed that it’s rare when you see 2 hot lesbians going together. It’s usually one really pretty girly one and one that–and I’m trying to finesse this–is less concerned with the sparkly girly stuff.

You know what tho’? It doesn’t really matter to me, in terms of aesthetics, as long as neither chick is overly dudish. Look, if being a dudish chick is your thing and it makes you happy? Continue. By all means. But let’s keep it real. Odds are good you’d rather see 2 hot chicks make out rather than see me make out with an average looking or big girl.

(I might still get in trouble for that, but I’m okay with it)

Call Reynolds, Cuz it’s a Wrap.

[Stifler’s brother shows off two girls he picked up]
Stifler: Brilliant. You found Lesbians.
[scoffs]
Stifler: Good luck trying to break through that force field.
Danielle: Lesbians?
Amber: We never said that.
Stifler: What?
Amber: We never said that.
Stifler: Oh… Oh, man. I will do anything… ANYTHING to sleep with you, chicks, okay? I’ll grab every guy’s ass in this room. I’ll caress it even. I’ll even shave some ass if they need it!
[sounds of revulsion from young men at party]
Stifler: Oh, yeah! You heard me! I will kiss everybody here! Dudes, chicks, everybody! Because I am comfortable with my sexuality!

So yeah, fuck a disclaimer, and grow the eff up!

***

As always, comments, critiques, criticisms, as well as other AP2 quotes and favorite things I missed can be left below in the Dr. Donda West-Christopher Wallace Memorial Comments Section.

Thanks for tuning in,

–RTH

PS–Don’t forget to add to the Above-Linked-THE LIST! We’re 8 comments away from 100!

Advertisements

4 Responses to ““I’m In A Lesbian Stronghold!””

  1. Tank, the commentor formerly known as but still sometimes still called Mark Twain Fame Says:

    that was great…you are def on another elvel bro…esp the runon&rantogethersexytimediatribeparagraph …classic!

  2. Tank, the commentor formerly known as but still sometimes still called Mark Twain Fame Says:

    so many favorite things…I’m gonna need a extra large Ziploc bag!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: