Dr. Beardhussein Goes To The Movies
It’s Go Time
So, as we all should know by now, I’m cinematically easy. I like going to the movies. I like buying tickets and having them ripped. I like finding seats and waiting until the lights dim slightly for the trailers. I enjoy the trailers and doing the Dane Cook “Everyone becomes a critic during the trailers” routine. In some cases, trailers for upcoming movies will have me so amped that I’ll be thinking of them instead of investing myself in the film I’m about to watch.
I like the lights dimming totally and seeing the opening credits, even tho’ it gets annoying when the first 90 seconds of the movie are twenty-four different production companies:
“A MoviePlex Production”
“In association with Kali Ma Shuck Tee Day Studios”
“In relation to ThoomPaHoo Films Unlimited”
“In a non-binding arbitrary agreement with Start The F**kin’ Movie Already Worldwide”
Yeah, the whole experience.
If I see a movie, it’s because I want to be entertained. I want to shut my brain off (I’m a notorious over-thinker) and allow my emotions to be manipulated. I want to laugh, I want to cry, I want to get attached to characters. I want to get hyped and leave the theater feeling like I’m 9 years old and anxious to recreate what I just saw on the screen in my own backyard, be it fighting aliens or gangs of thugs, or maybe just walking around reflecting on a deep or thoughtful story, or giggling my happy ass off at a particularly funny scene.
I like movies, and I like movies. Let the critics criticize because they’re paid to do so. Me? I’m paying for something that I hope will like, and often I end up walking away satisfied. In fact, out of the easily hundreds of movies I’ve seen over the last few years, I’ve really only disliked a few.
So, yeah, I throw my ankles in the sky once I walk into a multiplex because I am, as I said before, cinematically easy.
The tone, as they say, has been set.
When I was younger, the Nightmare On Elm Street franchise, along with the Child’s Play and Friday the 13th sets, scared the f**k outta me. I didn’t see any of those movies from any of those sets in total until I was maybe 12. The first horror film I saw in the theater was “Jason Goes To Hell.” I was 13 years old and convinced that I was going to have a heart attack during the movie because I was so scared that I was GOING to be scared, that Jason would jump out and my poor ticker would explode like a hot slug being stepped on by my brother Mario.
(true story–the coronary concern and the exploding slug)
Anyway, as for the Elm Street series, I remember being afraid of Freddy, but he didn’t give me nightmares. If you’re keeping score, it was actually that demonic doll of cackling laughter, Chucky, what really gave me the bad dreams. Well, until someone said “Why not just pick him up by the legs and smack him into a telephone pole?” After that I wasn’t so afraid of him.
Going into last nite tho’ I had only seen the original Nightmare on Elm Street & Freddy vs Jason in their entirety. I had seen bits and pieces of others in the line, New Nightmare and Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare, but I’m pretty much a Nightmare Novice. However, my friend Meechelle is a huge fan of the series and seeing as how she’s my movie buddy, I was obligated to go.
Next up: Onto the cinema!
The Regal Deer Park in, well, Deer Park is an awesome theater. It’s less than 2 years old and is, hands down, the nicest movie theater I’ve ever had the pleasure of going to. Ticket prices & concession prices are high, but honestly, they have enough deals to make it worthwhile (the Regal Crown Club Cars is super-generous with their points system), and the atmosphere can not be beat.
In a lot of ways, it’s kind of like a smaller movie theater, one of those “Bijou” or “Rialto” theaters you see in the old timey movies or on TV shows. Ticket office in front, smallish concession area, and cool corridors that lead to the individual auditoriums.
The seats are very comfortable, and as some of you might know, I’m kind of, how you say, rotund? (lol).. But the seats are cool, stadium seating, cup holders, and armrests that go up for extra space or cuddling or *ahem* whatever. The sound system is incredible, and the actual screens–even the ones in the smaller “This movie has one more week before we kick it out” auditoriums–are gorgeous.
We find our seats and, because we’re at the Fan Boy Showing (12:01am), I take note at the funny looking people that come thru. To be fair, I was wearing orange & blue Gator flip flops–made by Crocs, no less–and an olive green Fat Guy t-shirt with some weird “Greendog”-esque design on it. There, now that I’ve 8 Mile’d myself, I shall riff on the peeps that partook of the film with us:
1- Chubby White Girls! (no, not the good kind that i like, i’m talking about the ones with the plain faces and squinty eyes that stare holes in their cell phones)
2- Jersey Shore White Dudes! (i shit you not–these dudes probably have “GTL” tattoo’d around their bellybuttons)
3- Overly Made Up High School Senior White Girls! (because like, whatever, ya know? OMGGGG!)
4- Rock’n’Roll Freddy Fans Down Since Day 1 White Dudes! (bummer that there were only a handful of these guys. maybe they were waiting for tonite or tomorrow nite?)
5- Hot Topic White Folks! (um, yeah. ’nuff said)
6- That Loud Spanish Dude That Yelled Up At The Top Row Of The Theater As He Was Walking In, “YO WADDUP NIGGA! YOU GOT MAH SEATS?” (best part? dude had a mohawk. not like, the “Diddy in 2004” mohawk, but a lame “My hair is dark and my mohawk can be concealed whilst at working at my uncle’s deli” mohawk)
7- Fat Dudes That I Can Honestly Say Are Bigger Than Me White Guys! (round, rotund guys)
8- The Black Dude That Looks Clearly Unnerved By All The White People! (him and his girl, couple of pairs. don’t sweat it, That Black Dude. when i went to a Mets game last year i got off the train at Flushing and was severely taken aback by the large number of Caucasians wearing matching outfits. i look more i-talian than puerto-cuban, so i could pass, but part of me wanted to get back on the train and avoid the potential lynching. i swear i’m not racist.)
9- White Dudes In Plaid Shorts! (this can’t be the business. i flat out refuse to ever don plaid shorts. well, unless a cute girl says i should.)
10- Jail Bait! (my lawyer told me i should just leave this one as is)
So that was the lineup. Onto the movie!
The movie comes on…
And I enjoyed the film. I refuse to be Cap’n Spoilers, so I’ll just do a list of what I liked and didn’t like. Here we go:
What I Dug:
1- The movie wasn’t corny. They didn’t cater to the “I go to horror movies because they’re so bad it’s funny” crowd. I like that because I hate snark. I keep waiting for it to die the way moderate Republicans and 50 Cent’s rap career died.
2- Some eye candy. The girl who played Chris was too skinny and looked too much like Ashley Tisdale to not be intentional, but she was cute and wore skimpy outfits, so that was nice.
3- John Connor! Not the real John Connor, or Christian Bale, but Thomas Dekker, the guy who played John Connor in the short-lived Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles tv show. It was nice to see him in something, as the show was uneven but, IMO, taken too soon.
4- Freddy! I’m in the minority, but I didn’t mind Jackie Earle Haley as Freddy Krueger. Not overly jokey, and he was pretty relentless.
5- Logical Ending! (that’s all you’re getting out of me)
6- Cougars’n’MILFs! Nancy’s Mom and Chris’ Mom, respectively.
7- A Judith Hoag cameo! That’s right. April O’Neil!
What I Didn’t Dug:
1- The girl who played “Nancy” was, um, not cute. She proves that not all brunettes with pretty eyes are not the new hotness. I know that might sound mean, and I get that they were going for “realism”, but horror movies have conditioned me to expect hotties as leads (see: Neve Campbell, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Danielle Panabaker, etc etc)
2- The Death Scenes were lacking. Not in a “kills the movie way”, but like, there aren’t a lot of them, and again, maybe movies like Saw and Final Destination have spoiled me, but it felt like a lot of chasing for not a lot of satisfaction. Possibly related: I might need therapy. Let’s just move on.
3- The ending was logical. The lead into the climax felt very rushed, like they spent too much time in the earlier stages of the movie and then zoomed into the finish.
That’s it for the “What I Didn’t Dug” section. Anything else would be giving away parts of the movie, and Dr. Beardhussein does NOT do spoilers.
Onto final thoughts! (no Jerry Springer)
Overall, I enjoyed the movie. It wasn’t perfect, but I felt like it was a better MOVIE than the reboots of Halloween (R. Zombie had wayyy too much of a man-crush on Michael Myers and made him seem like he was a misunderstood tragic hero than the undead psycho killer he was supposed to be) and Friday The 13th (which I liked more than I liked Nightmare‘s remake, but was definitely more of a silly affair not meant to be taken seriously). The thing is, if you hate reboots, if you despise remakes, and if you’re a movie snob that insists that the actors fellate you after you plunk down your ticket money–you’ll hate this. That’s okay tho’, because you probably hate everything else and should just quit trying to enjoy entertainment altogether.
Is it worth the date nite $23? Sure, because your girl just made you see The Backup Plan (which i saw and liked. yeah, i said it.) and she owes you. Is it worth the Bros Nite Out $11.50? Sure, because there’s plenty to heckle–just don’t think the entire theater gives one flying boink about your not-clever-at-all one liners.
Dr. Beardhussein’s World Famous Boob Rating Scale gives the reboot of A Nightmare On Elm Street a solid “C Cup” rating.
As always, comments, critiques, criticisms, and hot horror movie chicks I forgot can be left below in the Dr. Donda West-Christopher Wallace Memorial Comments Section.
Thanks for tuning in,