Smokin’ Joe Reysier Goes 12 Rounds With “The Friend Zone”
To answer any questions: Yes, this is about a situation I was in, a concern/situation I find myself with/in now, and a reaction to a Facebook status update by a friend of mine who, if there were any justice in this world, would have a hot chick on Wifey Status at his side onnastremf of he’s a good dude.
Alas, he doesn’t, so I must react.
It’s Go Time
It’s no secret that, in my life, I’ve been “Friend Zone’d” quite a few times. It’s…a frustrating phenomenon, but it happens to everyone at one point or another. Lately tho’, I’ve been pondering it quite a bit. Is “The Friend Zone” really the den of f**kery that any other prior incarnation of Dr. Beardhussein would rail against? Or is it a logical, natural occurrance?
I wanna take you through the average set of thoughts that a guy goes thru on his path to the dreaded Friend Zone. Let’s riff this baby out, Lists of Lists style. It’s Old Rey vs Today Rey in a battle of existential friendzonic wackiness. Here we go:
(i recognize that there are many people whose thinking doesn’t go this way, but i’m also confident that there are many, many people whose thinking does. keep reading, you might learn something.)
Guy With Similar Thinking To Old Rey Would Say: “She’s always IM’ing me everytime I go on FB Chat/G-Chat/AIM! If she wasn’t interested, why would she be doing that?”
Today Rey Responds With: Listen, Old Rey. You’re not one of these knuckle-dragging Dude Bro Gahs. You can have a conversation. u dnt type lik dis when ur talkin 2 a gurl. She’s on the computer, she’s bored, and she’s counting on you for entertainment because, unlike guys, girls don’t look up YouTube clips with “Wildest Police Chases” in the title.
GWSTT Old Rey: “Okay, but she gave me her number. Why would she give me her number if she didn’t at least kinda like me? I haven’t gotten a girl’s number ‘like that’ since March of 2004!”
Today Rey: You don’t completely suck as a person, dude. Her giving you her number doesn’t mean she wants to boink you, and boink you mightily. Unlike guys, not everything a girl does carries hidden messages of wanting to git with the git down. (unless the girl is a “Samantha”, at which point you will probably find yourself Mightily Boinked)
GWSTT Old Rey: “She said she missed me! Come on!”
Today Rey: Easy, killer. She missed you, as in, she was somewhere that might’ve been more entertaining or more fun had you been available to speak to. Please note that, at no point, did that include wanting to snuggle on the couch while plays in the background.
GWSTT Old Rey: “She wants to meet up for coffee/dinner/skittles from a vending machine! DO I HAVE TO DRAW YOU A F**KING PICTURE!?”
Today Rey: Let me ask you a question, Old Rey. Do you like eating alone? I didn’t think so. Let me ask you another question, Old Rey. Did she say what else was happening that nite? Did her BFF have plans? Is her family out of town? Fridge empty at her place? Did her last culinary attempt result in several thousands of dollars worth of property damage due to fire and water? Right. Ask yourself those questions before assuming that her suggestion that you hit up Starbucks is secretly either Foreplay or a Prelude to the “Harper’s Woods” scene in the Wonder Years pilot.
GWSTT Old Rey: “Okay, smart guy. Tellin’ me I’m all wrong and whatnot. She came over MY HOUSE, and watched a movie with me. We were maybe 2 feet away from each other the whole nite. Why would that happen if she didn’t like me?”
Today Rey: How many feet away? 2 feet? The whole time? So… there was no cuddling. There was no hand-holding. There was nothing, at all, aside from sharing the same couch. Ya know… You see movies with your other friends all the time. Sometimes you set next to one of the girls you’re “Just Friends” with. Sometimes you sit next to a guy. You’re less than 2 feet away from that other person. Does that mean you want to jump them? That’s what I thought.
GWSTT Old Rey: “Yeah, but still.”
See, the thing about The Friend Zone is that last sentence, that last bit of f**kery. You can tell one of these chowderheads over and over and over again that they should wait until they see a sign (Ace of Base) before they start devoting tons of space in their Mental Rolodex to a new friend, or an old friend that has recently started coming around again.
I spent most of last summer in the Friend Zonish of all Friend Zones, but when the fog lifted it occurred to me: Did these girls (yes, there were 2) lead me on and destroy my heart the way the Death Star destroyed Alderaan?
This isn’t about the technological terror destroying a peaceful planet with no weapons. No sir. This is more about movies like *deep breath*
Identity, Hide & Seek, Secret Window, Fight Club, Shutter Island and I’m sure countless others.
***END SPOILER ALERT***
This is about the person who is being “Friend Zone’d” playing out both sides of a fledgling, budding romantic relationship, without ever really being given much to go on from their would-be significant other.
I’ve been there so many times. Living and dying with every single interaction with this person. Staring at my phone, leaving Facebook open hoping for an Instant Message, relentlessly checking that same social networking site for ANY indication that this person is analyzing and agonizing over every tiny encounter or exchange the same way you/I are/was.
In reality tho’, the person that is so cruelly banishing you to The Friend Zone is being a friend, no more, no less. Yes, “Just A Friend” status sucks when you like someone back, but it is not a crime.
The reason why I phrased it that way is because, from the Friend Zone looking out, it does seem cruel. It’s just the long, slogging bataan death march towards an inevitability that, honestly, you should really see coming a mile away. Eventually it eats away at you to the point where you can’t even enjoy this person’s company as a friend. You just sit there moping and feeling awful and letting the days of an all-too-short life pass by a little sadder, a little darker.
It didn’t have to be that way, but more often than not, that’s how it turns out.
There are, of course, exceptions to the rule. There are definitely times when a trusted friend will seek out an ego boost, or partake in what I call “Warm Body Syndrome” and purposefully blur the lines by, quite frankly, starting something they can’t finish.
(this is different from a guy keeping a girl on “Back Room Whore” or “Booty Call” status–this only applies when an already-established friend starts some sh*t)
In those cases, the Friend Zone’d One isn’t really to blame. They didn’t land on Plymouth Rock, Plymouth Rock landed on them. It’s THOSE people that are the evil ones, especially if the friend has been single for a while, or if there was already a history.
(okay, i’m venting now, just go with it)
Yep, those bastards are the ones who make The Friend Zone insufferable. It’s the ones that KNOW you like them, but are too cowardly to put you out of your misery that are the real sh*tbags.
What I’ve been fortunate enough to learn is that, even tho’ the intentions of the Sh*tbags and the Genuine Friends are different, the reaction/response is still the same on the part of The Friend Zone’d:
Be honest about what’s happening. Be realistic about it. Accept what you’re seeing as proof of what’s actually there. If you don’t see something, it’s probably not there. If you DO see something and you don’t like it, or it doesn’t give you peace, it’s not the right move.
Trust your instincts, trust your gut, and don’t lose your cool…
…even if the girl’s got gigantic breasts.
Call Reynolds, Cuz it’s a Wrap
Okay folks, that’s it for today. As always, comments, critiques, questions, and other examples of the stupid crap people do whilst mid-zone can be left below in the Christopher Wallace-Dr. Donda West Memorial Comments Section.
Thanks for tuning in,
PS- For those that are interested, I have a new twitter account at www.twitter.com/elkatook
PSS- For more of Rey’s Rants on Romance & Relationships: