Wedding Season Hath Arrived!

Dr. Beardhussein’s Wedding Fun Breakdown.

It’s Go Time.

The Other day I got a text from my friend Michelle, and she asked if I wanted to be a guest at her cousin’s wedding. No, not in the date capacity, as Michelle has an awesome boyfriend who liked How I Met Your Mother and kept me sane when I was working at Target back in late 2008 and early 2009.

She asked me if I wanted to be a guest…because apparently some folks couldn’t make it and the spots were already paid for. Now, what some of you loyal IATSoldiers might not know, is that I’m a sucker for the following:

1- Weddings

2- Babies

3- Boobs

4- Lightsabers

5- Blue Eyes

6- Weddings where babies marry chicks with blue eyes, big boobs, and lightsabers (don’t judge, they’re often quite moving).

Sooo, when she asked me if I wanted to go to a wedding, I said “Hecks Yeah!” and invited my friend Maya, another Wedding Aficionado. She said it was random, and I agreed, and then pointed out that it makes a better story than the time we DIDN’T crash a wedding.


In addition to this wedding, it looks like next year will be a busy wedding season, as I have one definitely on the horizon, and another that I’m about 90% sure I’ll be attending (the bride-to-be and I are new friends, so while she mentioned I’d be going, I imagine older friends or political family invitees might get the nod over me if it comes down to it.

All these impending nuptials did two things:

Thing #1- Made me stare at the barren wasteland that IS my left ring finger.

Thing #2- Ponder what makes for a fun wedding, or at least a wedding that is enjoyable for all guests–close friends, family, political invitees, and dates of the the aforementioned groups.

So, without further ado, here be the break breakdown, steady breakin’ me on dowwwwn:

The Ceremony– The ceremony can be a couple of different things. It can be cute’n’sweet with lots of lovey talk. It can be very religiousy, which can still be cute’n’sweet, but is usually just kinda long & boring. It can be straight forward, a bit of cute, a bit of religious, but mostly business (those might be the worst). Religiousy doesn’t have to be long & boring, it can be sweet and fun and happy. Still, the ceremony–even if it’s short’n’sweet–is the not the most fun in the world. Me personally? I enjoy the sweetness. I want to be happy for the people getting married, and that means some love and some cute and some real emotion. I don’t want to watch people who look like they’re trying to remember all the steps. Walk down the aisle, stand here, NO WAIT! stand HERE, turn to her–NOT YET!–okay, turn now, alright it’s candle lighting time, got it–DANGIT! I FORGOT TO PROMENADE LEFT! I wanna see people enjoying the happiest day of their lives and completely reveling in a joyous moment that I want for myself. That’s the best part of the ceremony.

The Cocktail Hour- You know what everyone is thinking? I’m effing STARVING! People make a huuuuge beeline for food or the bar I’m starving, I had to wake up early to get my hair done, I’ve been in that church for an hour, Weddings are for women–get me a beer! That’s usually the decompression chamber for people who had to watch someone else see what they: have already done/will do/are afraid they’ll never get to do/would never do. The cocktail hour is usually rushed and crowded, but it’s a nice gesture to get some food’n’drinks to people while the wedding party takes pictures. Still, it’s not very exciting. Me? I’m okay with cocktail hours. I had a blast at my friends Jeff’n’Tiffany’s and Kristin’n’Pete’s, not so much at other weddings.

The Reception- The reception gets broken down even further. For old people, they just wanna eat, kiss the bride on the cheek, shake the groom’s hand, and get the hell home so they can get outta these damn shoes. Past that, you have people that wanna party, but they wanna eat. Get ’em they food and fill they bellies and give ’em some drinks and keep it movin’ right along. I enjoy wedding food and I enjoy wedding drinks, so I’m great with this part.

The smelly part about the reception is/are the traditions. Even when they’re “non-traditional” traditions, it’s always boring, boring, boring. The mother-son dance, the daughter-father dance, the first dance… The songs are always obscure and it’s really cheesy to those in attendance. Even if it’s cute, nobody wants to be sequestered to their chair for 4 1/2 minutes while people slow dance. My suggestion? Knock ’em all out. Even better? Lead with the parent dances. mom-son first, then dad-daughter, then keep both parents on the floor to “give away” their children to start the couple’s first dance. (i just came up with that idea and I love it)

Then there’s the garter’n’bouquet tosses. Those are only fun if there hasn’t already been a conspiracy to get the bouquet to that one friend who already knows her boyfriend is gonna propose, or to get the garter to the one guy friend who is dragging his feet. That shit’s lame. Let the wedding goers decide to do that, don’t put the fix in. If there are people there that only know the bride or groom and not really anyone else, that’s their one chance to participate. Plus, the awkwardness of having some strange dude put the garter up the leg of a woman he doesn’t know leads to great, great comedy.

Cutting the cake is only fun when it gets smeared. Not a lot, just a bit of frosting on the nose. Yes, it’s cake and there’s makeup and blah blah blah, do it. Send the folks home happy.

After alllllll of that stuff, there’s the actual PARTY! The reception can only be fun when people are dancing, and for this you just plain need the right mix of music. It can’t be all one type of music, and you’ll kill the Epicness of a wedding by playing music geared towards old people. 10 minutes of top 40 songs packed into 4 hours of old love songs or middling pop songs is the death knell. I know people want an inoffensive mix of music, but the old people left after dinner and all that’s left is young people that wanna get drunk and have some fun.

Me? I love the reception, I just don’t wanna be bored to tears dealing with what feels like Inside Jokes. I get that it’s about the couple and the new families and all, but people feel a way about weddings, and they wanna be included. Heck, I **LOVE** being a part of new beginnings because it makes me feel special and appreciative that I’m being included in a new phase, that I made the cut, ya know? People want that feeling at weddings, even if they’re just a plus one of a cousin you haven’t seen. You want people to leave that MoFo thinking “That was awesome, and I hope those 2 kids are together forever” not, “Wow, I can’t wait to take off these shoes and go to bed.”

Dr. Beardhussein’s Verdict: Reception > Ceremony > Cocktail hour.


Call Reynolds, Cuz it’s a Wrap.
Alright folks, that’s it. I hope you enjoyed that little bit of Gettin’ Hitched Hijinx. As always, any comments, questions, critiques, and favorite parts of weddings can be left below in the Dr. Donda West-Christopher Wallace Memorial Comments Section.

Thanks for tuning in,


8 Responses to “Wedding Season Hath Arrived!”

  1. hl Says:

    Weddings <<<

    I hate em'…

    • reythehussein Says:

      Lots of people do, but I’ve really only been to one where I was like “Uh… Okay…”

  2. hl Says:

    1- Weddings
    2- Babies
    3- Boobs
    4- Lightsabers
    5- Blue Eyes

    ^You’re 2 for 5 Rey. Wu-Tang is for the children and hl is for the titties…

  3. Mark Twain Fame aka Tank Says:

    u a trip Reymund. Trust me…no matter what….those (not all of them but at leats a few of them) traditions gotta go down…but that dont mean you cant make them fun or different or do some other side random bullfuckery while that tradition thing is going on.

    • reythehussein Says:

      Heh, if I ever join the married ranks I bet I’ll end up doing all of that stuff on some ol’ “F**k it, MY people are happy!” stuff.

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